My gut instinct told me this morning that H was at OW's apartment, so I decided to drive over there and lo and behold there was H's car. I was so furious that I was shaking. I decided I had enough that I went and banged on OW's door numerous times. Of course no one opens the door, and I was prepared to sit there all day if necessary until H came out. I knocked one more time and said through the closed door, "I'm not leaving until ___________ (name of hubby) come's out. About 5 minutes later he comes out and starts to walk to his car saying "I'm surpriesed the cops haven't come arrested you for harrassament" Even if they had, I was prepared for it. I was so angry that it wouldn't have mattered.

Any way has he is walking towards his car, I replied, "Are you still wanting to come home", his reply, "YES", so then my response was, "What are you doing here", he usual avoidance of talking was "I'm not going to talk about it here", so I said "When", he replies later at the house.

I am to the point that if he is not willing to write a No Contact Letter today then I will file papers on Tuesday. Tired of the lies.


Don't know what to do WH Gone

Hubby wants to come home for financial reasons

So he intends to come home, but has he said when he intends to stop banging OW?

(((Leslie)))

I hope someone can give you some advice on how to work the program at this stage. I am glad that at least you found out this peice of the truth though. Had he told you the A was over?

Leslie:

I have to admit to not knowing your whole story but if you will notice my signature line my situation sounds almost exactly like yours and my H and I have been recovered for 3 years.

As much as it hurts, Leslie. What happened today has a high likelihood of being one of the first nails in the coffin of your WH's affair.

I found my H and the OW at a motel..just like you did, Leslie.

It is called EXPOSURE and it makes the A feel UGLY to them..no more just FUN and GAMES.

It is necessary for you to do both PLAN A and PLAN B as described on this site and in the book SURVIVING AN AFFAIR.

DO NOT HAND YOUR H OVER TO THIS WOMAN ON A SILVER PLATTER BY FILING. FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!!

I would suggest that when your H comes over, DO NO YELLING AND SCREAMING. Tell him as calmly as possible how much it "HURTS" you that he is having an affair and that you want the affair to stop because you want to WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE. The best way for you to work on your marriage is to allow him to COME HOME whether it's for financial reasons or not. When he comes home, you can do PLAN A. This will not necessarily end the affair right away. This is a process that you will need to go through in order to try to save your marriage. It's hard but we can help you with it here.

In one of his previous emails he said "_________, (name of OW) doesn't want to see me anymore so please do not call her anymore. This was after I confronted the OW.

Notice in that statement he doesn't say he doesn't want to see her.

Nope never mentioned the A was over just that she didn't want to see him anymore. When I mentioned a NC letter was needed (was going to push for it on Monday when we were suppose to talk) he said that _____________ had already ended it. My reply was I need you do this anyway. (I dropped the subject and was going to bring it back up on Monday).

Have you done PLAN A?

Mimi,

Looking at your signature, "Anything is possible, when you beleive". That's the problem, I NO LONGER CAN BELIVE anything he says or does anymore.

You have to first BELIEVE in the MB SYSTEM?

It is not time to ask for a NC LETTER if you have not done an effective PLAN A.

Mimi,

I was never able to do a PLAN A, becuase he was not living at home. Per the advice given to me from some on this board and I do belive in the teachings here, "THERE IS NO MARRIAGE, WHEN THERE IS OW"

I exposed the affair and that promped H to come home.

I know you are trying to help and I am listening, (I promise, even though it doesn't sound like it) but there has to be HONESTY in a marriage.

I'm reading Plan A, so I can be prepared, but I am not willing to let him come home until OW is OUT of the picture. I have alredy consulted with my attorney and know what my finanacial outcome will be. I have a feeling H knows also that he stands to loose a lot financially, but that's his problem at this point.

Either she goes and stays gone or I am DONE.

I do belive in the MB principals 110% however I also know that I am worth something if to no one else but to myself.

You will not be able to do PLAN A WELL UNLESS HE COMES HOME.

Unfortunately, the way that the MB SYSTEM works continued contact is to be expected, in most cases, until PLAN A and then PLAN B.

It's your choice, Leslie.

But, in doing it your way, Recovery of your marriage is unlikely and you are handing your H over to this OW.

I hate this for you.

I chose to WORK THE MB PLANS and our marriage is the best it has ever been..my H is truly in love with me again.

Leslie47,

Your spouse now is in quandary. Remain calm, control yourself. Do not give him any chance to exploit something out of your anger. Being angry will do you more harm than good. I know how you feel right now, I was once into it when I discovered the affair of my spouse. Stay healthy, secure all your finances and properties. Do not decide things while your angry, including filing of divorce. I know you will survive.

I am hurting to much to continue like this. His A and lying is dragging me to a place I can't handle. I will attempt to stay strong should he be "man" enough to come over to the house today.

I just want the pain to end. It's like it is starting all over again and don't think I'm strong enough to handle it.

STOP BEGGING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Leslie:

Do you think that you will hurt less once giving up on your marriage?

I'm sorry that you can't see that your WH is simply using this young girl. She's just a receptacle for him right now. This is not going to be a longterm relationship for sure. In the meantime, you are choosing to put an end to a longterm relationship.

I understand, your choice, though, in a way. Working on these plans is difficult.

However, I think you will soon learn that avoiding the work will not bring you the happiness that you are seeking.

Let me know if you want me/us to help you with the MB Plans.

My last word is that your WH is following the typical WH script..no different...his actions are just like my H's. Your reactions are not the same as mine. I HURT SO MUCH that I REFUSED to HAND MY H OVER TO HER!!!! She hated it that, unlike other women that she had come in contact with, I chose to FIGHT FOR MY MAN!!!

Bless you, Leslie.

Lemon,

I am not begging for return of my H, matter of fact that is the last thing I will consider doing.

Your reply was unnecessary and hurtful. If anything I was looking for support for myself because I feel like s***

I am really trying to support you, Leslie.

Of course you feel awful finding your husband there.

It felt like a nightmare. I hate to even remember that day.

My heart hurts for you.

I'm trying to encourage you not to give up, though.

There is no reason for you to give up now unless you choose to do so.

I know. He is no longer your H. He is a WAYWARD SPOUSE. This is hard to accept but it is the truth. The nature of a WS is to be deceitful and to be a liar...

Just snapping your fingers or saying it so, will not bring your H back...

Sorry. Hard to accept. Hard to understand. I know.

Why can't it be that simple?

You should know by now just how HARD life REALLY IS.

Mimi,

I know you are and I appreciate it. It's nice to see that you are a success and while I say I am loosing hope, there is a big part of me that still keeps hoping that my marriage can be saved.

A big part of my feelings this morning is coming from anger and disbelief that he went back over there. I also know from reading DB that it's common for this to happen because an affair is like an addiction.

I so want him home, I just don't know how I will handle the withdrawal I get from him. I try to be nice and understanding when he's here, to not cling to him, to show him that home is a happy place to be, then when I saw his car back over there it just felt like it blew up in my face, that nothing I was doing was helping.

I have spent 25 years married to this man and this is so OUT of character for him. One of our biggest issues is his internilizing everything so that finally all of our issues become one big thing to him and he emotionally detached from our marriage.

I'm not blaming him for the state of our marriage, (I actually belive it or not do take most of the responsbility for it) but I do not take any of the responsibility for the affair.

I know it's asking for a lot when it seems to him that I'm expecting him to operate like a light bulb and just get over what he's feeling towards us or the OW.

So please believe me when I say I am listening and you have helped me calm down some. I am no longer shaking in anger, still hurt yes, but I think that is normal.

Same was true for my H and he is back to being himself again- well, almost himself! That's why it good that you understand the ADDICTION concept.



GOOD! I agree with this. What were the PROBLEMS IN THE MARRIAGE?



I understand. It's a wonder the cops weren't called on me when I was at the motel. Just the same as you, I refused to leave until my H left. He left her in the hotel room. My only regret is that I didn't wait until she left but then I might not be here talking to you...I WAS IN SUCH A RAGE!!!!

I've been trying to help you calm down this morning. I'm glad that I have been able to be helpful to you.

This stuff is AWFUL..a LIVING He//..I know....

Leslie - I went through the same thing with my WH. Only his roommate let me in the house, and I pounded on his bedroom door. WH had stood up in church with me that same morning and asked for prayers for our reconciliation.

My WH came out of the bedroom where he had been scr*wing the OW, and told me that it was not the right time to talk about it. I left.

After that, I stopped caring about getting him back, and we are now almost divorced.

I know how upsetting this was, but I'm still glad that you drove over to see for yourself. Now you know that you can't trust his words.

When he talks to you, he will probably claim that he was just "saying goodbye". My WH told me that around 10 times.

I would still ask him to write a NC letter. We'll see what others say.

It's not time to ask him to write the NC Letter, I think.

I think he needs to come home first and she needs to do an effective PLAN A.

She can ask him to write a NC LETTER now but chances are he will not.

I'm laughing at how this must be scripted. My H came outside to the motel room in his boxers and said: "I'm ending it now"...PLEAZ....