Well, I have talked about this a little before about my suspicions of H cheating on me in the beginning of our marriage. He has ALWAYS COMPLETELY DENIED THIS. I pretty much knew because he had a mild case of pubic crabs, I asked him how he got them, if he had cheated on me and he completely denied it and said he didn't know how he got them. Even though I pretty much knew through sexual contact. But there were no other signs that he cheated so I hoped he was telling the truth even though I deep down didn't believe him, if I ever brought it up he would get mad and tell me he already told me the answer and not to bring up the past. We have had a good marriage since. Well to present, the last couple years of our marriage have been under alot of stress, his mother passing away and then 1 &1/2 later H became disabled (back. During this time he was mean and I for some reason started to think about that time and it really bothered me, I prayed about it alot and kept asking him to please tell me if he had cheated on me. WEll he finally did last night. He said he has been full of guilt all these years and was afraid I would have left if I found out (I probably would have we were only M 10 & no kids yet). I'm having a really hard time understanding HOW he could have hid it all these years, How the guilt couldn't have gotten to him, or how he had the crabs and wasn't worried that maybe she gave him something worse and could have given something to me (I got pregnant right after that time). He says he has been completely faithful since that time, but How do I believe him when he lied to me for 15 years? Please help I want our marriage to work, he has been remorseful, tearful ect. worried I'm going to leave. He says he feels relief that I now know, but I asked him if I never pursued it if he would have ever told me, he said he just hoped that I already knew and that he wouldn't have to tell me, but I said that it would have never been resolved that way. It definetly was putting stress on our marriage. So do I believe and have hope in him that he is now telling me the truth that he has been faithful since that time, please any advice, I have read some on the infidelity section, but some doesn't really pertain to my situation.

Oh, and he didn't even know this girl, she came to his work a couple of times. She called him at his work and asked if he could come to her house to fix her car. He did, she invited him in she kissed him they had UNPROTECTED sex, he left and said he never saw her again. He quit that job very shortly after. Thanks

Oh, and he didn't even know this girl, she came to his work a couple of times.



Could you explain that better? Came to his work for what? and does he always fix a strangers car?

He worked at a quick lube place, he said she came in there a couple of times, then she called his place of work and asked if he could go to her house to fix her car. That was my question to him, you don't go to someones house to fix their car, especially a customer and someone you don't know. It wasn't a door service job. I don't understand either, I have cried and cried and prayed, we didn't have any problems in our marriage, he even says that, he says he made a mistake and truly regrets it and says he never cheated again. But HOW do I believe him when he lied about it for 15 YEARS??? He seems remorseful and relieved , but when I ask him questions like what made you stop doing something like that after that time? Maybe it's just not the answer I'm wanting to hear he just says, because I didn't want to do that anymore, I only wanted you. I haven't really heard, I was afraid and scared I would lose you, I didn't want to hurt you, or it was I felt so much guilt. He says he had alot of guilt, but I never remember feeling something was wrong, he never acted different unless I brought it up and asked if he cheated, he would get upset and tell me not to bring up the past. I want to work on our marriage, we have had a good marriage (I think if I can believe that he never cheated on me again.) I just need to know how to trust what he is telling me because when I ask him if he has cheated any other time, he looks at me and says no I have never cheated again, I promise, BUT he said the same thing all these years about this one.

Sounds to me like he is telling the truth. It would be very odd to confess one, without telling about others. In fact, it is rare that they confess at all.

I know it is very hurtful, even after 15 years. I hope that you will talk more about this and not sweep it under the rug.

I don`t want to sound to harsh, but that took him 15 years to admit? If in fact there were others, think about how long it will take for him to confess them. I had proof of my WH cheating many times and WH still denied all of them for 31 years,You know him best, I`d bet if there was one there was more. Keep digging and asking questions. Good luck

That's the question I keep asking him, why if it was sooo easy to do it with someone he only met a couple times, what after that time made him stop. He keeps saying he feared I would find out and didn't want to lose me. I only knew he did then because of the pubic lice (HUGE RED FLAG), but I tried to believe him even knowing deep down I didn't believe him, but there were no other signs. I can't say if he had more sexual encounters, there were never any signs, we were always pretty much together, How do I dig, where do I start? I keep asking him and he keeps saying there is no more, but again he has lied to my face for 15 years. We hopefully will start MC but I don't know how great of a councelor we can get, due to a ton of medical bills we can't really afford it. How did you find out about your H affairs, how did you dig? My H is a good liar, and I just don't understand how the guilt couldn't have eaten at him all these years. He never acted guilty, not even when he discovered the crabs, I was right there, he didn't seem concerned at all. Thanks for your advice. I just need some help, I don't even know where to begin, how to act towards him, I have read Love must be tough by James Dobson and have ordered, Every Heart restored and surviving an affair, I hope it will give me some help. I still don't know where to begin to trust him.I can't go on wondering if he is still lying to me or not.

I too like you had signs but chose to ignore them, would ask WH if he was seeing her through the years to which he would say, only once with my sister, but knowing my WH if he had been to see her once it was a million times.If its one lie its a million lies. Wh would look you straight in the eyes and lie.He was doing it while I was at work,go to the store many times a day,tell my young daughter he was going to work on an old friends of ours when he was`nt, see her on his way home from work ect.WH would start fights to get out, my my many things now as I look back.He would ALWAYS tell me he loved me,he would say the family that plays together stays together all the while seeing her.Funny the crap they say to you.A few years ago we saw her in a store and the way she said hi to WH made me realize it was more, so again I dug got her phone number and called her,also went over to her house.My WH still lied when I told him I was talking to her, it took awhile to get him to talk I mean about a year,hes a tough cookie.He would say well I guess I was infactuated with her.She knew he loved her but still she continued to let him come over we are talking as far as I know about 12 years, so I know there was more than talking going on,even though she says no sex was involved.Now that I dont believe!!!!!! Its gonna take patience on your part which I know is hard cause you wanna scream ect.Get all and any info you can,have him watched if you can afford it. When you ask him questions try not to get angry cause if he sees that or feels you getting angry he will shut down and then your back at square one.If you would like email me and I will help you the best I can--------apteeva@yahoo.com

aptiva, I appreciate your advise so much, I'm tearful just reading all this stuff. I want to believe what believer said and believe that he has told me everything. He has been reading all this stuff with me and I know he wants to start counseling asap. He has been reading alot about affairs with me on different sites, he seems so remorseful, tearful, very apologetic, but again he got caught and is wondering if I will leave him, but this leads me to believe maybe he is being honest he seems relieved now and wants to work through it, normally he's the type that he wont talk about a problem he just sweeps it under the rug and we never resolve anything, it doesn't seem like he wants that at all, he seems to know we Have to work through this and can't do it alone.

I want to make it clear that after that time 15 years ago (the lice incident,) I have NEVER suspected him of cheating on me again. I mean we usually were always together as a family or the kids was with one of us, he never had any unaccounted times. I Know for a fact he isn't cheating now. I would like to know more about around the first time it happened,how I could dig things up from more like 10 -14 years ago. Any ideas, or is that impossible? I keep asking him if it was sooo easy to sleep with someone he didn't even know why after that time it all of a sudden would have stopped. He just says because he had guilt (which I never felt anything different in him or his actions) and he only wanted me, then we started our family and that's all he wanted. I did get upset because I never heard him say that he knew he hurt me and didn't want to hurt me again or risk losing me. He says because that is obvious, if he kept doing it I was bound to find out and it would have risked me leaving him. Maybe I'm being sensitive and just want to hear really reassuring things. I want soooo bad to believe there were no more times. He tells me that he realizes that trust is going to take a long time to rebuild and he is willing no matter how long it takes, I guess time will tell, if in a few months he thinks I should be over this then maybe he is still lying. Thanks for your email, maybe I'll just take you up on that sometime. I have NO ONE to talk to about this, I feel so lonely and scared.
I also should add that due to his disability he is home all the time and cant drive, I have to take him to dr appts ect. and I have worked at home the last 7 years as did he the last 4 years, sor we are pretty much together 24/7.

I know you are lonely and scared not a great place to be,I am there also.It hurts no matter how long ago it was.We think we know the person we married and then we get a jolt into reality.It hurts.If he is willing that is wonderful, both of you read this site together,do as Dr Harley says, it works as long as both spouses agree.It will take time to regain trust everyone is different and he has to earn your trust.You will have good days and bad days as so do I.I still wake up from dreams, ect and them my day starts off bad,I try to push things of them together aside its hard.I even sometimes look at him and hate him for what he has done to us and our kids, but yet I still love him.My WH still has alot to admit to me and he may never do it. We are in counseling now, boy I hope it works. Its up to him and how truthful he will be in counseling.I wish you all the luck and you tell your hubby keep working for the both of you. YOU CAN HAVE A WONDERFUL MARRIAGE.

Thank you, Does your H read through these things with you and does he seem to be remorseful? Is he patient through your bad days? How long have you been in counseling for? I don't know how to be affectionate towards him right now, I don't know if that's normal or not, but from what I've read from Dr. Harley, that is something you shouldn't keep from them, does that mean even when they're wayward? or does time heal that and I will be able to be affectionate. How long ago was it for you that you found out, did it take you awhile to be intimate with him? I hope we can have a wonderful marriage. we have 2 great kids and I don't want them to hurt too. Thanks again, if feels so good to talk about it. I know he feels comfort in reading them too.

My WH does not read here with me he thinks its silly.I have the books also, my WH cannot read very well so I would read to him, he would fall asleep or would get up and do something else.So I did`nt get the books out anymore I figured if he was interested he would ask me to read them. Never did.I would also print things out from here and put them at his bedside.Nothing.
I had an idea about 10 years ago that he was seeing someone,he always denied it, the signs were there.I really started digging last year. We were driving down the street and I said show me where she lives.LOL he bout messed his pants, so from there I called her and then went to her house.I sat there and listened to this woman tell me how handsome my WH was,how he worked on her house,when he spent the nite there.How he always was a gentleman to her.See he had, had a childhood crush on her and had remet her later on in life,she told me it was my WH that always kept in contact with her. I swallowed that and left her house.Came home and confronted my WH. He denied alot. She had said one nite she told my WH it was only infactuation and he told her it could be more. He says he ment something else(another lie). As far as I have the info he started seeing her in 1987-2001. Long time.It may have been before that even. It was hard being intamite with my WH,the other woman always pop in my mind.Still does,there are days when I love him and days when Im not sure.We just started counseling at my request not his.
Your gonna have your feelings for along time but in time they will pass, your hubby needs to be understanding and answer all your questions honestly.Even if they are the same questions next month,next year.When you do feel yucky,do something for yourself,walk ect.But most of all you two do things together make your marriage work,life is to short not to. AS far as my WH, he says what he tells me is what he is going to tell our Counsler when we see her together, so I don`t really think its gonna do anygood.He just does`nt see that honesty is the best policy. I have been thinking of canceling the session.I need to work on myself and that is what Im going to do with or without him.Yes its hurts me to death but I can`t change what he does or how he feels but I can change how I react to him.Right now he is in his room because I wanted to talk and ask him more questions and he said everything I felt was stupid.That just showed me where we stand.I`m tired of being the doer and the fixer here(31yrs). I really thought this time things would change, it really has`nt.If your hubby is reading this:Hubby you hold this woman you married and tell her everything she needs to know to help her heal.As she heals, so will your marriage. THE BEST OF LUCK TO YOU TWO

I am so sorry for what you have gone through for so many years. I couldn't even imagine. I only know of one time and the hurt and pain is excrutiating. It hurts even though I pretty much knew 15 years ago. You do need to work on yourself with or without him, I know that's easier said than done. I used to always say if I ever found out my H cheated on me that would be the end. But now I can see how that is not so easy. I think if I knew back then, I may have left because we didn't have kids yet, but now we have 2 great kids it makes it harder. I worry that what your H does is what mine will do, eventually get tired of the questions and tell me to just get over it. He says he wont and he will do whatever it takes, I hope so. With all this I have told you, do you think he has been completely honest with me?
I do hope your counseling sessions go well, and I hope that your H opens up more. I also wish you the best and will be praying for you.

wantingtomoveon

From all I read here it looks like you have a good H. I believe he's saying the truth.
He made a mistake, a huge mistake, and he realized it as soon as he as done it. The pubic crabs even made him feel more silly and guilty... and even scared.

He lied all this years... yes, but believe me, it's not even close to be lying and hiding and betraying at the same time.

All he wanted was to forget about it. He lied because of what he told you, he didn't want to loose you over a mistake like that. He had a ONS, I believe it's easier to forgive then a emotional or long term affair.

My H did the same to me, 2 years ago, He had a ONS, I found out (no hard proof), he denied. Every time I would mention it he would became so angry, he says now it was his defense because he was guilty. He never told me because he was afraid I would leave him. And he told me that he truly believed "What I didn't know would not hurt me".

But unlike your H who "learned his lesson" my H hid it again and continue to have ONS and other A's <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> He got away the first time, lots of oportunities came in and he took them all.

Now, the BIG difference from your situation and mine, is that, I believed my H, but inside I knew, I felt it had happen that first time, and about the others... I just never had hard proof till last January.

So, what I am trying to tell you, if your H had any others ONS, during this 15 years, I truly believe you would have known or at least suspected anything, your gut instinct would have told you, because ever since you were on alert.

He's supporting you, he's reading with you that's also a good sign.

You are very hurt and will be for some time. You just need his support. He needs to be very understanding to your change of moods, to your sadness and even to your anger if you will feel hatred feelings for him at some point.

Wish you all the best.

POLICY OF RADICAL HONESTY, share all your feelings with each other.

Thanks lostwillow, Its nice to talk to people who have been through what I'm going through. My problem is though is did he really learn his lesson? Thats where my biggest problem is, is believing that he is telling me the truth, that there hasn't been any more. 15 years ago I knew deep down that he was lying to me when he had the crabs, I chose to try and justify it with other ways he possibly could have gotten them, even though I really knew. If I brought it up he would get upset and mad like your H and tell me not to bring it up again it's the past. I pretty much didn't say anything throughout the years, sometimes but not very much, only until this last year or so when we started having stress in our marriage, not from an affair, but his mother passing away and him becoming disabled. I don't know why, but it all of a sudden came back to me like it was yesterday and I couldn't let it go. So you do think he is being totally honest with me now? Thanks again. Hopefully we will start mc very soon.

Yes I really think he's being honest. But you know him better. And I really believe if he haven't you would have noticed at some point.

And I hope he now understands that his biggest mistake was to lie for all these years. Fortunately he never did it again and even if you always had that doubt about that ONS you haven't really lived in the agonazing pain of misstrust. If he had been in other situation you would have noticed, I am quite sure.

The reason you only suspected of what happened was because of the pubic crabs it was not because he is a good liar, or because you were fool trusting him, It was because he really never had anything else with her. If he had continued SF with that girl after you were suspicious, you would have had more signs of it.

But trust is going to take time, and you're very hurt, and that also takes time. He's with you on this, that's really good.

Please once again, POLICY of RADICAL HONESTY, you have to feel it from him, from his actions and patience with you for a long time. You have to share your feelings. Even your H, when feeling remorses or guilty because of the pain he's causing you, he have to be there for you. be tranparent. Anssewring the same questions countless time.

This is my opinion. Take it slowly. Be strong.

Time and Radical Honesty, that's what you need.

Do you think he is being honest with you? Do you think if he did`nt have the lice you would have ever known?Why at this time when he is disabled he is telling you this? Did`nt he have 15 years to tell you?

lostwillow, I do believe he never saw this girl again.

But my problem is is I don't know if I believe that there haven't been any more ONS or affairs. I would not have ever suspected him of cheating on me if it weren't for the crabs. I do believe he is a good liar, he has been able to look at me for 15 years and lie about it. I do believe he could cover his tracks well too if he needed. I suppressed my feelings of knowing that he cheated and that's how he got the crabs, he even got upset when I asked him that night if he cheated on me. If I brought it up any time after that he got mad and told me to stop bringing up the past. I didn't really bring it up again. Maybe a few times in the last 14 years, but he always denied it and didn't want to talk about it.

I haven't suspected him or have seen any signs of an affair or ONS but again I DO think I was too trusting and maybe just didn't recognize the signs. Do I think he's being honest with me if there are any others, I cant say right now, sometimes I do and sometimes I don't, I think he maybe more fearful to tell me if there are more for more fear of me leaving, even though I have told him that I would want to know now so we could work on it all now.

If he didn't have the lice, no I never would have suspected and he would have taken it to his grave, guaranteed. He told me now because we have had some tough times the last couple years of our marriage, and for some reason it has really bothered me, I kept asking he kept denying, I looked up on the computer while he sat here with me and told him that it is virtually impossible to have gotten them any other way. He FINALLY broke down and told me. I just wish I knew if there more if he is telling me the truth. All I want is the TRUTH.

If he is honestly wants to work on your marriage and loves you with all his heart he will come clean with everything IF there is more. My WH early in our mariage had warts, I knew nothing about them,he told me the doctor said they were from not keeping himslef clean,hey what did I know I was young and dumb.My WH still to this day hon is not admitting anything.He has gotton CRS(can`t remember $hit)funny how they do that.What looks promising to me is he is willing to work,that will maybe take years who knows to build your trust. Let H know to tell you everything to get it out in the open so you both can go forward. Keep your cool with him.

Well, I know that there is ALOT that I don't know from our dating/engagement years, I was young and stupid. I know he lied to me then, but he always said the right things. I know (he just told me) that he thinks he cheated on me when we were dating, but it's been so long ago he can't remember details. I feel like he has led a second life all this time. I'm thankful he didn't get into drinking and drugs, I guess he just couldn't resist Sex. I wonder if he was a sex addict. I feel so very confused right now, I'm trying to be calm, and have done I think pretty well, I have cried alot, but more when I'm alone, in the car ect. I don't want my kids to know too much is wrong, even though they know something is up. I still just don't know if I should believe him or not. He lost me once when we were engaged, due to his lying, I left for almost a year, he swore he changed and wished he could do things differently and change the things he has done, he even started seeing a christian mentor of ours. I really believed he changed then, he was afraid of losing me forever. Stupid me I guess I believed it because 10 mo. into our marriage he risks EVERYTHING again. I don't understand. I haven't been able to find a christian counseling center in our area that is cheap enough for us, we have sooooooooo many medical bills right now. I don't know if that would matter or not, I would prefer a christian center. I don't know if just reading books would help us or not. I have ordered "surviving an affair" and "every heart restored". I hope they can help me. thanks again for listening.
Was your H always that way or just after you got married?