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cherished,
I never said she bored me. She just talks a lot and needs to do that. Communication even if it is one ways is what she needs. LOL
I don't know your story but I can tell you what I have done.
My biggest need is SF to be honest. I have decided to pu that need aside lately and guess what she needs it too. So now instead of me expecting something back. IE meeting my needs I meet hers and wait. I have found the more I have expected from her the more I was dissappointed. Now I have lower my expectations and she is exceeding them. Maybe I set them too high. I don't know. To be honest she was always a little self centered as you can tell by the A. I never asked for much. Now after the A I wanted more. Maybe because I know what she did for OM. Maybe this will work or maybe I will decide it just isn't enough. Who knows but now I am a much happier healthier person for it.
She actually told me she needed sf tonight. HMM I haven't even asked.
BS 38
FWW 35
D Day 10/03
Recovery started 11/06
3 boys 12, 8 and a new baby
When life hands you lemons make lemonade then try to find the person life hands vodka and have a party.
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I've tried focusing on meeting his needs and setting aside mine. I can focus on meeting his needs in a way that is enjoyable for me. We are spending time together. Cherished: You have done a remarkable job of this (above) and have gotten remarkably predictable results. As far as as I am concerned, your WH should be held completely blameless for your plight in life presently. He has told you in a hundred different ways what he thinks about you and your marriage and your EN's. The 15 hours is akin to a squirt gun in a California brush fire. You know this, but continue on the same path expecting different results...a glaring example of "insanity" defined. But we have "been here" before. I'll shut up now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Lem
Some people just don't get it, they don't get it that they don't get it.
I had the right to remain silent.......but I didn't have the ability.
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What if spouse sees no benefit to meeting your needs? You put up with it or you don't. (YOU DO.) Same old stuff, different day. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.
~ Kinky Friedman
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Uhmmm,
Co-exist? Does that count as separating?
That's the only thing I can come up with.
If one sided EN meeting isn't ok..stop meeting his as well..then you are at least even. I guess. Sort of.
Er...what was it about separating that you objected strongly to?
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The gap is no focus on meeting my needs. Any ideas? No..the gap is somewhere else...between two ears. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> You know...I am really starting to feel empathy and sympathy for your H. If you REFUSE to acknowledge what anyone is telling you here on this site...you are surely doing him the very same way. You continually find other doors....windows...slits...any portals you can to hold on to him. Seek some INDIVIDUAL help Cherished...if not for anyone other than your children. JMHO committed
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this marriage reminds me of the TV show
SURVIVOR
who's motto is:
[color:"red"]outwit
outplay
outlast [/color]
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Cherished, One thing I have noticed, is that you are fully aware, when you see that someone else isn't being treated right. So I KNOW you are smart enough to comprehend what is happening in your own situation.
Sometime back, you mentioned that you DO have a supportive family, and even a college education. So you DO have outside resources to reach out to, that many others in your shoes, do not. You are just choosing NOT to use what you have. You are CHOOSING to remain in this relationship, even knowing the level of unhealthiness and dysfunction which exists.
You seem to blow off the physical abuse which occurred. You say that the emotional or verbal abuse was worse. Which reveals that ALL forms of abuse exists. And you have CHILDREN wittnessing all of this. While you actually have the means and resources to REMOVE them from this situation, and protect them. You even said yourself, once, that you fear your children falling into these very same patterns. Your son, turning out like his father and not respecting women, and your daughter, someday, falling into a carbon copy marriage, such as this.
And yet, your mind is set on that 15 hours!! That truly BAFFLES me!! How could 15 hours come above the LIFETIME of your CHILDREN?! This isn't about YOU or HIM! It's your CHILDREN I'm concerned about! SCREW the 15 hours.
Cherished, bottom line here, life is all about choices, and you are making yours. Unfortately, your children are unable to make the choices for themselves, right now, that would be in their own best interests.
My only advice to you at this point, is even if you do not choose to reach out to your family, maybe you should at least send the children to them. Then you can pursue this marriage full time, and the children won't have to be involved.
I'm sorry for the harshness, but I know that you are an intelligant woman, and this does NOT have to be happening right now. It's only happening by choice. And NOT the choice of your children!
Best Wishes,
Jennifer
Last edited by Jennifer68; 05/29/06 12:46 PM.
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Why do you keep going over and over this time and time again? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.
~ Kinky Friedman
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Cherished, why are you ignoring the questions?
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Meanwhile, what about the kids?
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Other than separating, how do you not put up with it?
Cherished If you VOLUNTEER to be in an empty, meaningless marriage, you ACCEPT it without complaint. You have CHOSEN to put up with it, so you must ACCEPT IT.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So..after MBW..if the dawn of realization hasn't ignited empathy in your Hs heart.
Then what?
Do you think that these arbitrary rules [I'll never remarry etc..it's this marriage or lonely forever] are your way of allowing yourself to stay in a situation that you know and have known for some time is not acceptable?
That's what it looks like from here.
The man we consider to be one of the best of the best has told you it is a no go..your son is having rage issues and your daughters outlook on marriage in general is depressing... even given your proclivities it doesn't look to me like you are dealing with anything other than magical thinking in order to save yourself from having to make a decision that you don't like.
Am I wrong?
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[color:"red"]but staying in the relationship gives me hope.
[/color]
it does?
how?
you do not come across as a hope-filled woman to me
Pep
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Your husband does not post here, we should not even be discussing him and what he does or does not do.
YOU are posting. We post the same things over and over to you and we get the same response from you. Nothing is changing with you.
Frankly, I'm tired of banging my head. Us continuing to discuss it with you is as insane as you continuing to stay with your husband.
Insanity - doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.
~ Kinky Friedman
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Cherished,
I am not surprised your children have such a dim view of marriage. Why would they want to be trapped in a loveless violent relationship with no way out like you are modelling for them.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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