Hi...

I am as grren as it gets to this site (I have read everything, just re-reading most of it to soak it in) and it amazes me how much of it applies to my marriage of seven years. As you can imagine, this is my first post... actually, It's my first post on ANY site...

My wife recently (just three days ago) told me that she wants to separate from me - to figure out her true feelings. This was completely out of the blue to me - we have had rocky times before, but always worked through it; I was blindsided by this, and am still trying to cope. This has completely consumed me - I can't concentrate on anything but this issue, and I can't even talk to anyone about anything without breaking down. It has been so hard for me, to see her pack up things, not having her next to me at night, and knowing that she is out with her friends while I have our two kids.

The question I pose is this : I want more than anything to keep her in my life, but I can't get her to do ANY therapy (bad situation a few years ago with a therapist) and the only thing that she feels will help is this separation. She keeps telling me that things will be fine for a bit afterward, and then we will fall into the "rut" again, and just cycle around... I've asked her to read some of the information on this site, and she says she will, but I don't want to force it on her, either. Has anyone had issues like this? If so, how can I get her to try one more time, when she really feels that she needs her space?

Thanks all...

My WH said that, and I let him have his space. Found out he needed space to have an affair!

Is your wife involved in an affair?

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Yes, sadly what she said..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

These things NEVER just come up out of the blue.

LM

So sorry you are going through this, I hurts like nothing I've ever felt. Keep a close eye on yourself and consider seeing DR about depression. Are you in contact with her? Does she come see the kids? Have checked over your computer looking for signs of an affair?

The fog these people get in is so deep and so destroying to everything in their path. Keep reading this site, relax on her reading it, it will only pressure her more. Read up on Plan A and start to put that in place and then have a long talk with yourself about your contributions. Doesn't mean what she is doing is right in any way shape or form, but hindsight is 20/20 you may see something that wasn't there before.

Thanks all -

No, I'm almost positive she's not having an affair. No signs of it, and we have mutual friends that I've talked to that are just as stunned as I am... and with the exception of one friend, they are all pulling for her to stay and work on it. We are still in contact regularly, and she doesn't ignore me if I try to contact her. I've asked that we try for alone time, and I've even offered to work my personal / business schedule around to accomodate. She keeps reverting back to... "we've tried that, it didn't work, I need to do this." I've asked for support on this from our mutual friends, thinking that if I can stay on her mind that she might come around. I just don't know any other way to approach it.

Thanks again, and any info is good info!

ok folks - stand by a few weeks for the next exciting installment where missmytami comes back and says in a new post "I was a fool - you all were right"

I can only partly relate to your predicament because when I began asking my husband for a separation or divorce I WAS having an affair. Nonetheless, I can tell you what he did to help bring me back.

I had pulled so far away from him that I didn't care that I was hurting him. I became convinced that I had to look out for my own happiness because he had never really tried to make me happy. I was cold and unfeeling towards his pain, much of it because he wouldn't show me just how badly I was hurting him.

After my affair ended I was still set on divorce. I talked to my husband about the logistics (custody, financial concerns, etc.). That night he sat down and wrote a letter filled with his thoughts and feelings. I didn't know that he felt ANY of the things he wrote because he had NEVER shown me. When I read that letter, filled with his regrets for his emotional neglect of me throughout our marriage, explaining himself...I broke down and cried like a baby. He made himself human to me by telling me these things.

It has only been two weeks and we have a LONG way to go. But had he clung to his pride or tried to be strong when I wanted to walk away, I would be long gone.

missmytami, I am sorry to tell you this, but your wife is having an affair. "Need some space" is code for need space to have an affair.

If I were you, I would start doing some sleuthing to find out who she is seeing. Once you find this out, you can get to work on saving your marriage. But until you get the goods, there isn't much you can do.