I am hoping to hear from other FWS's in regards to the feelings that I am having right now. There is so much advice for the BS, much of which just adds to my confusion.

I am still in the midst of withdrawals from OM. I am spending wonderful time with DH and we are getting along so well. When I am with him I am elated that he was able to snap me out of the fog and make me realize what I was losing.

But when I am alone...the pain of losing OM is almost physical. I am reliving all of our time together in my mind. I want to speak to him so badly, though there is nothing left to say. I just want a fix. I know that is all it is, but it is driving me mad.

Fortunately, OM and I are a country apart, but how can DH and I really move further towards recovery if I can't let go of the past? I am 110% committed to making my marriage work. I don't want anyone other than my DH...but when does the longing for OM stop?

How long have you been in No Contact? Figure on at least 6-8 weeks of no contact for withdrawal pains to ease. Minimum. You will feel better but DON'T break contact or the 6-8 weeks starts all over again.

Wow. That seems like an eternity. I have never suffered from an addiction. Even though I know that it would be harmful, I still want it so badly. How very irritating.

The last time we spoke was before DH snapped me back to reality. OM and I didn't ever agree not to speak, just not to speak so often. OM doesn't yet know that I have had a change of heart and that DH and I are reconciling. I feel like I need to tell him, but I don't want to instigate contact.

How long NC???? Write a NC letter that your husband approves of and mail it. See the Infidelity FAQ's on this site - linked in my signature below. DO NOT break no-contact - it will just set you back.

Oh and by the way. Total disclosure about all details of your affair is necessary to recover. Like you were told in your other thread - you must tell your husband about your PA with as much detail as he requires.

You can do this.

Sorry, it has been about a week and a half since we spoke.

Badspouse, you will find this thread on withdrawal very helpful. (Just click on the link). Especially pay attention to the suggestions to FWS’s on how to get through withdrawal.

Badspouse, you need to take into consideration that you are still VERY early in recovery and withdrawal…and at this stage it’s very normal to still have strong feelings for the OM and miss him. However - time, distance, NC and focus on your H and M will deaden this pain and with time and patience the feelings for OM will fade… And as your marriage heals and becomes stronger, it will get easier. Just remember that your feelings for the OM might not change substantially since the Love Bank account for OM is still in there (Love Bank accounts never close) and currently no withdrawals are being made from this account. I believe it’s for this reason that it’s normal for a long time to experience lingering feeling for the OP – especially in cases where the A haven’t died a natural death.

I also want you to read and follow the guidelines I once received from Ark^^ while I’ve struggled with residual thoughts and feelings for FOM. It was a few months into my recovery. Here is the post from Ark^^:

[color:"blue"] “Dear Suzet,

Here are some of my rambling thoughts on this post...

YOU SAID
"The one major thing I’m still feel guilty about is my lingering thoughts and feelings for OM and the difficulty to put these feelings complete to rest."

Sometimes for very obvious reasons and sometimes just because it is the nature of the the whole big mess. Thoughts, feelings, and occurances take on huge meaning, grave seriousness, and potentially worrisome issues...when in reality they are just normal occurances..but when processed through the infidelity filter...watch out...magnified to the 100th power.

Suzet the truth is that if your OM had not been an other man but someone you as a single person were dating and for whatever reason you two broke up and you were now dating your husband...you would still have thoughts and memories and think of him...that is totally normal..it carries no great meaning or profound revelations.

The act of our brains having a memory and thoughts coming in our head in not stoppable,

What we do and can control is our reaction to these thoughts...give these thoughts weight and meaning and they will continue...spend time really pondering them, reminicsing and they will become stronger and gain "meaning".

It is you that must break the cycle in your brain by doing different things..

1. as soon as a thought, image, pops in about him you push it away and change your thought,,,and we all KNOW we can do this...no one spends a lot of time with the thought of their upcoming dental appointment to get a cavity filled...or when your on vacation you don't spend a lot of time about packing and leaving day...no we have those thoughts and quickly move on to something more pleasant...you must learn to the same....

2. Time fades and heals the importance we place on events is also true...the farther we move from experiences the more distance we place on them instead of deeply pondering and examing them the more we learn to let go of those thoughts.

3. YOu need to quit associating a lot of guilt and negative emotions to these thoughts or you will be feeding the power they need to continue...

Look at to why you are clinging to the guilt of thoughts rather than saying...dang I can't control my brain from thinking the thought initially but I can control the amount of time and energy I spend exploring the thought AND how much importance i give it...

You may actually be gaining something from the guilt you feel...that it somehow PROVES your regret....but we "prove" our regret by totally recommiting to our spouses and acting thusly.

See if you can't try few days of if and when they pop in your head...saying..."yeah I hear you that old memory of this or that...but I'm really to busy to stop and think about that right now"

The more you learn to acknowledge the thought occured and then push it away the easier it becomes...

And in pop-psyche these days people love to throw around repressing those feelings and ingnoring them and that leading to unhappiness...but in reality those thoughts are normal as is moving away from them...people don't graduate from high school and the morning after graduation never ever think of highschool anymore...it was big part of their lives for a while with emotional attachment...but as people move forward those memories carry less and less weight and bring less and less emotion as time moves on...and not spending minute after minute pondering highschool is not repressing thoughts and emotions..it is moving on...
suzet you need to "just let it be" (as john paul ringo and george would say)"[/color]

I hope this post will help.

Take care and blessings,
Suzet

Badspouse,



No, you're Not! If you were 110% committed to making your M work, you would cut off ties w/the OM. So, you need to start being honest w/yourself and your husband.

Here's another perspective. The time and energy you invest in indulging your thoughts of the OM and phone calls, however rare that may be is time and energy you are taking away from nurturing your M and husband.

Love is a gift. Your love for the OM is a fantasy. It represents your denial of NOT wanting to deal with issues in your marriage and perhaps your personal/inner flaws. Don't worry, we all do!

Life is also a gift and full of lessons. Some are obvious while others very subtle. The latter is hardest to detect and learn from. Affair will either break a marriage OR make it stronger. It can also serve as a choice for WS and BS to learn from each other. If you CHOOSE to NOT learn what you need to learn now, you will EVENTUALLY learn the same lesson with/from someone else. More poignantly, your husband could have divorced you upon discovering your A. But he did not. That choice alone speaks volume.

So you have 2 options:

1) You can keep trying to "convince" yourself that you're 110% committed when you know you're not by CHOOSING to indulge yourself (thoughts, calls, emails, etc) w/the OM with the possibility that your M could lead to D.

2) Choose to REMOVE yourself 110% (thoughts, calls, emails, etc.) away from the OM.

DECIDE. You already know you can't have it both ways.

Good luck.

Well, not quite. That is not true until you cut off all contact with the OM and tell your husband the entire truth. Until that happens, there is no recovery because you can't be trusted. As long as you continue to lie to him, there will be no trust; no recovery. It is all a sham.

Here is the no contact letter that Dr. Harley suggests sending. It should be written together, approved by your H and mailed by him. This, in addition to telling your h the truth, will begin the restoration of trust:

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

ML,

Just wanted you to know that w/your recommendation, I copied/paste your NC letter for FWH to send to FOW. It worked like a charm. FWH emailed it to OW on Easter Sunday w/CC to me. Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall when she opened.

So, BIG THANKS to you!!!

Glad to hear it worked so well for you, Stargazelily! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />