Because of my own situation and another similar one being played out on the boards currently, my curiosity is peaked.
Does a BS who was once a wayward have the same support, rights, justification to be hurt, etc etc as a BS who has always been faithful.

When the BS takes the WS back, and reconciliation is the common goal and it seems to be on track, does the BS have some extra inning where they get to be wayward and everyone says "See, they just couldn't get over it?".

On the other thread that caught my eye, there is a current BH who was once a WH. Now he seems to be told by a few (or maybe just one), to cut his WW some slack because he is not squeaky clean either. It was even mentioned that his BW could have divorced him during his stint as a WH. Well, yeah, but she didn't. There was implied forgiveness. Does that give her a pass to do whatever and throw his A up for all eternity?

How do you know when there is forgiveness and you are just not waiting to be slammed with some overdue bill with interest and penalties?

Does a FWS have as much right to feel betrayed and will they get the same support as a BS, that a always faithful BS would get?

i don't know if your talking about the thread about me... I feel famous.

Anywyas, I think I should be more forgiving because I use to be Wayward but now am firmly committed to our marriage. Now most of the post about a FWS that is a BS is that two wrongs don't make a right. So I think another point is that if a S wants to leave the marriage a EA or PA is not the way to go. Get out and then get on

Viking,
Do you have this underlying feeling that you had it coming to you? Did you firmly believe that your wife forgave you for your infidelity? You wife did know - right?

I am also a FWS turned repentant turned BS. On one side, there are people saying that I have done my time, done the work, I was forgiven. On the other side, I don't get much symapathy because I am not a faithful BS.

If you had thought your wife forgave you, how do you deal with her now throwing it up in your face as if you two are even now? My H does that alot, if you want to be even with me, you have to come home - then we'll be even. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I think it's a bit more than that.

I had a good long thought about the real reasons I might be tempted to have an A (I'm the BS, married to a FWW) during recovery or afterwards. I came up with many, many scenarios - I've given a few below:

1. If my FWW was unremorseful or oblivious to the damage that she'd caused, took the "get over it" approach to recovery and remained focused on her own entitlement, if I had an A, my A would probably be started an exit A, and done when I have no more feelings for her and no more interest in the M. It's possible though that being able to feel what it means to be a BS might turn my spouse around, which might attract me back into the M.


2. If my FWW was remorseful, but not willing to deal with the things about herself that caused her to choose to have an A and dmage our M, then it's likely that she wouldn't be able to give as much as she should towards the recovery of our M, leaving me to feel that it's quite possible I'm with someone who would never really be happy with me. It's a horrible situation, thinking that you're stuck in a M where you feel that your spouse thinks they could do better if they had the opportunity to do so. If I found myself in such a situation, I'd likely be tempted to "feed my ego" if someone else showed that they were interested in me.

3. If my FWW was remorseful and really went out of her way to show her appreciation for me and our M, then I think it would be hardly likely that I would get involved in an A. If I did, it would likely only be because some really showed a lot of interest in me, and I had a lot of initial attraction for them, which might likely give me the feeling that I might be turning down what might be the perfect relationship that I'm looking for if I turn that person down and instead focus on my acceptable, but flawed, M.

In the end, all A's are inexcusable. I can see the reasons why someone, including myself, might be attracted into one, but to actually engage in one means choosing dishonesty and unfaithfullness. I'm hoping that, if I'm ever faced with that choice, that I make the right one.

Thanks MIM,
It means alot to me to have your reply. I didn't want to make this about my marriage, but wondered if there was an attitude of "you had it coming to you" in the air. But I would think that a person would have to be pretty diabolical to take a WS back, fake recovery, then slam them with an affair - just to get back at them.

Your post led me to a new question. How possible is it that both partners having affairs at different times, really is not a symptom of a flaw in the marriage - but in the individual people? I know my A was not about the marriage, the marriage hadn't changed at all. It was the same for 10 years. What happened during that time that made me think I wanted out?

And for my WH's affair, the marriage was completely different, full of sex, affection, plans for the future. The kids were older and easier, there was more money, is was much less stress. And that still wasn't what WH needed.

Maybe my affair introduced a new "coping skill" into the marriage. Maybe WH never messed around before because it was very OFF LIMITS. When he was feeling whatever he was feeling - he thought, let me try the A route and see if that pans out.

Oddly, I cringed when I read another post that had me lumped in with the group of FWW here. I will never be a 'run of the mill' BW.

Jean,

You have to bear in mind that posters here are in various levels of recovery.

It`s highly unlikely that you would find a BS in the earlier stages of recovery who would not think that you "had it coming". I think that`s normal. Recent BS`s are in alot of pain and are not sure of their own recovery. They don`t know what the longterm marital future holds after experiencing infidelity. You don`t know what will happen until you live it.

I think if you asked a group of people who had experienced infidelity YEARS ago who successfully recovered their M`s you would get a different viewpoint.

IN A NUTSHELL--------

Cheating on a spouse is just plain dumb. Whether they cheated on you first or not.

There is no point in cheating in a M. It does not get you what you want and makes your life a living h*ll and makes a bad situation even worse. If a person is so unhappy that they are comtemplating cheating they have only TWO logical intelligent choices. Get into therapy and fix the issues or get a divorce.

This is not a swipe at you. Many people make that mistake including my own dear (usually intelligent) FWH. He learned from his mistake. I highly doubt he will repeat that mistake.

I assume you learned from your mistake. Your mistake does not excuse your H`s mistake. Everyone learns as a child that two wrongs do not make a right....well that goes for infidelity too.

It does not matter if you cheated before or not.

What your H has done is dumb... and for precisely the same reasons that your A (way back when) was dumb.

Thanks Daisy, I had honestly never thought about the different spans of recovery that this board represents.

Interestingly, a close couple to us, family members, survived the WH's infidelity 7-8 years ago. In this couple, the FWH kept saying that my WH was less guilty because it had been done to him first. His wife, the FBW, pointed out that he was basically saying that she had a free pass coming to her - FWH changed his tune then.

The free pass idea...

People don`t have their A`s to hurt their spouses. They have them to make themselves feel better.

When a BS understands that then they will no longer feel that they are owed a free pass.

The A had nothing to do with them, was not meant to hurt them so why should they be "allowed" to do the same thing?

I was in that position and comtemplated an A of my own. Not to hurt my H but rather to make myself feel better. Pretty much the same type of reasoning my H employed when he had his As. It was not to get back at him....it was to soothe myself. That might be why you H had his A.

Even in a good recovery where the WS is remorseful and makes the changes there comes a point where the WS can do no more. BS`s have some personal work on their own left to do to complete the healing. Not all BS`s realise this. That may be what happened to your H. He couldn`t completely heal and didn`t work on himself. He may have thought outside comfort was the answer.

I don't think it's a matter of

"I'm going to look for an A today".

I believe it occurs when conditions allow.

Take fire for example. Fire has 3 requirements

Fuel: (Gas, paper, wood, etc...)
Oxygen
Ignition: (spark, ligthing, electricty, high temp)

Take one or more of these elements away, and you will not have fire.

I believe a BS who is not feeling the WS, or FWS has remorse, or willing to change could be catagorized simular to "welding metal on a propane tank".

I feel that is one of the strongest aspects of this site. Talking down the BS. Keeping them from making mistakes or knee jerk reactions.

I like MIM points.

I was pondering today this whole situation. Why shouldn't I have an A. Besides the fact that I think they are morally wrong. I could justify an A right now and I could have justified an A when my FWW was having hers. Heck I could have justified the A well before that.

But the point is how do you justify doing wrong?

It has come to my attention that there is a girl in my building that is really interested in me. I realized this last week. I am a smoker and I have to go outside to smoke. I noticed that a good amount of time I was outside this women came out. I thought it was a coincedence(sp). When she came out we talked about kids and stuff just light conversation. I thought she was happily married. Last Thursday I realized she was on the bottom floor and came out side when I was there. She told me she liked older men I am older and she was getting a D. I started avoiding talking with her a little. Well on Thursday I walked out to have a smoke and get a snack from the deli. She came out and stopped me and asked for a light. I gave her one and she started walking with me. I was going to the Deli and she asked where I was going. I said the deli to get a snack. She said she was going to lunch and asked if I wanted to go. I for the first time in my marriage entertained the thought of going. I didn't I went down got my cactus cooler and some ding dongs.

Now I wonder why I didn't go. I have all the reasons my FWW gave me for her A and then some. But for me it came down to could I live with myself after the fact. The other thing I thought was how much of a hypocrite would I be. I know the damage it has caused me do I want to cause another person that pain. If I do then I shouldn't be married.

Sure I would like something new. I would like the excitment. But it isn't the right choice for me. I will never be with anyone other then my W as long as I am married.