As most of you know my YS has moved in with the WH and his bimbo. You also know he has withdrawn from me. I decided to write him a letter since he won't really speak to me or answer my calls. I am posting it here for some feed back.. feel free to tear it apart... I am not very good with words on paper so any help would be appreciated...



My dearest DS,

I am writting this letter to you with the hope I can try and break through this wall you have built around yourself to keep me out.

I am having a hard time understanding why you have suddenly felt the need to cut me out of your life. You are my son, my last born child and I have always felt we had a good realtionship. I know things have not always been perfect for you or any of us for that matter. I wish you would talk to me and let me know what is going on.

I do understand that right now this is all very hard for you. You love both of your parents and thats how it should be. There should not have to be any picking of one over the other as when we gave you life it was never meant to be that way. I would never ask you to choose between us because we both love you and want the best for you. It does not matter which of us you live with because the other is still going to love you and always be there for you.

As you know every since your dad has moved out I have told you many times, you need to keep a relationship with your dad because he loves you. I would never stand in the way of that , I wanted you to spend time with him. I said it to both you and your dad many times, spend time together.

I know part of the reason for your moving with him is because of me working so many hours and not being home with you. I understand that DS , I truly do. But you have to know I did what I needed to do to take care of us. If it meant working two jobs to pay the bills and take care of you then that is what I was going to do. You have no idea how it made me feel to have to leave you alone much, it hurt me to hear you ask if i was going to be home and i had to say no I have to work. The look on your face was devestating to me, I know you wanted time to spend together.

I am sorry for how things have turned out for us all. This is not what any of us planned in life but it has happened and we have to deal with it consequenses and all. We all will have consequenses for what has happened but all we can do is pick ourselves up and move ahead and get to a better place in life. I still wish things could be different and we could be a family again but I have come to acept that probably will never happen. No matter what happens in our lives though just know I love you and I still care very much for your dad.

I have no desire to force you into anything you don't want to do. If you want to live with your dad then thats how it will be. I just want to be able to talk to you and see you whenever I can. And if the time ever comes you want to be home with me know that it can happen. No matter where I am DS I will always be here for you.

My descion to move to Virginia was not an easy one to come to. I don't want to leave you but I also know its the only way for me right now. I need to be away from the pain and memories of my former life. I don't feel I can move on in life being here, I need a new beginning somewhere else. You are always welcome to be with me if you ever choose too. You always will have a place to come home to.

One last thing, I also want you to know I don't hate your dad and I never will. He was the love of my life and I will never forget him or the life we had. He gave me many years of happiness and three beautiful children. We had many ups and downs but we always survived them an will continue to survive. One day maybe him and I can at least be able to look back and remember it all with a smile and know we did all we could. I have no regrets for trying to save our family, I did all I could to make things right. I will always have a place in my heart for him but I can and will be happy in life again with or without him.

So in closing all I am asking is for you talk to me and spend some time together before I leave here sometime this summer. I love you DS and I miss you very much......

With all my love always,

Mom

I think overall it's a very good letter

'cept the opening

this MIGHT make him more defensive and he might try to defend his wall or deny the wall

instead of describing him behind a wall ... describe yourself reaching out to him...

think of a different word picture where you meet him halfway instead of ask him to drop his defenses

just a suggestion

Pep

Well, Hurting, you want my opinion -- don't send it.

You've probably said most of this stuff already, face to face. You have to give him time to figure things out.

Here's a story: My daughter's dad is a complete deadbeat. Always has been. My daughter used to take his side -- weep about me being so hard on him because I wouldn't lie about receiving child support (when I wasn't) to the government, when he wanted citizenship, etc.

I was defenseless. I couldn't attack her dad, and he was pulling his po' face routine -- he was using her to guilt trip me. Meanwhile, I receive zilch for child support.

Guess what? It took ten years. But she figured it all out.

It was awful waiting. But it was so much better than me saying anything.

Same with your kid. I think you are giving him power over you that he cannot handle. He can't handle your emotional pain -- about WH, or about him. You are likely evoking his resentment.

Give him time. I bet he'll figure it all out. In any case, pleading won't help.

actually AMM is prolly correct

Pep

Thanks Pep and AM for your thoughts.

Actually most of what I wrote in this letter has not been talked about to DS.

We have not had the chance to talk because he won't talk to me. He acts like I don't really exsist anymore. I try to cal land speak to him he ignors my calls. He has been gone two months and i have only seen him 3 tmes. He wont come stay and when he does he hides in his room and then leaves before the night is over.

My reason for the letter is to let him know I am not forcing him ot do anything and to let him know I am here and love him.

He needs to know my descions about moving are not about him and i am not leaving him because I want to ....

Hurting

I would say it, then, next time you see him or speak to him. Very briefly, because he won't hear you. You've told him already that you love him, right? Maybe your MIL can talk to him. I just see a letter having the opposite effect on him -- of pushing him away more. JMHO.

You never know where letters end up nowadays -- like in the hands of WH/OW -- and you don't want anything to dilute your PBL.

I think deep down your son already knows the score. I agree with some of the other posters that he's siding with Dad in part because he's the parent whose love he is most insecure about having. He's also, cruelly, siding with the stronger, and he is ashamed of this... Or the one who appears to be the stronger.

That last sentence has an important hitch. I think he will change his mind about who is the stronger in the next year or so.

You have got to give it time. I think he hates feeling responsible for your feelings. Pulling on him just makes him react by running in the opposite direction -- no matter how reasonable and justified you are.

AM,

You may be right. I just don't know anymore....

I want to reach out to him but he pushes me away.... I din't talk about his dad to him , I don't ask questions I don't say one word about him anymore.... But yet DS stays away .....

I know in time he will see the truth or at least I pray he does.....

Hurting

Remember this is just my opinion, but I think you should send your son a letter of some kind. I think the one above is very touching, but probably too long. He is a boy afterall, they get bored easily especially with mushy stuff!!!

I would skip any Dad talk. I would be sure and mention about you moving to VA and how he is always welcome there and you hope the two of you can maintain a relationship via phone and email. My opinion is he needs to hear that although you are moving you are not abandoning him.

As with a WH don't expect him to respond or be grateful, but at least he will know your feelings.

My opinion is it can't hurt and it might help some day.

Best of luck on whatever you decide.

((( Healing )))

Just a thought, could you take him to lunch and have a talk that way ??

Call him and see if he would like to go to lunch or something that you know he would like to do ??

I am sooooo sorry you are going through this...


Sending you my very best - carnation

(((hurting))))
I know how much you love your kids. I can't even imagine how I would handle the same situation. Its a beautiful letter...but I see couple problems. Its long and it talks too much about WH, your relationship (or lack of) and your feelings for WH. I can see DS getting the letter 1/2 reading it (teenage boy) and handing it off to WH.

Maybe a short note....I love you and there will always be a place in my home for you. Include a calling card or a bus ticket....better yet do it in person and look him in the eye. Have you MIL make sure he sees you before you move.

I agree with some of the above, letter to long, short and sweet, you love him, there is no blame and there is alway a place for you. Also I'd say this all to him over lunch as suggested then had him the letter, it may bring him comfort over time.