In October 2005 my wife revealed that she had an affair that past weekend. Through digging around I learned that they had also fooled around in August and got a little friendly in August 2004. Do not believe any consistent contact until after August 2005. Caught them just before having a chance to get physical in December 2005 and found e-mail in Janaury 2006 plaanning getaway in March 2006. That never happened. However, they have remained in contact until at least May 2, 2006.

Had learned in late April that my wife had told him she wasa separated so I e-mailed him that she was in fact not separated. He sent me e-mail advising that somebody was lying to him and that he was out of the picture. My wife got super angry that I contacted him and that my problem shoudl be with her, not with him. Ridiculous. However, my love is for her and not him and I have taken significant steps since first finding out to fix myself which, I thought, would have a good chance at fixing my marriage.

Our story is this: We are married for 13 years, together for 17 years. Three kids, sons 12 and 10 and daughter 6. Money has ALWAYS been an issue. I admit I have not done a good job of financially supporting the family. We are 42 and have no savings or retirement.

Well, the revelation of the affair really kicked me in the [censored]. I was/am devasted. Though things were not good, the one thing I NEVER expected was this. Especially since a good friend had cheated on his wife about three years earlier and we had numerous talks about affairs. Anyway, I gained about 150 punds since meeting my wife and was definitley not a good sight. However, this guy is no bodybuilder (though I have learned that doesn't really matter).

Reality hit and I responded. I have lost sixty pounds so far and feel better than I have in a long time. I am confident that by next summer I will have the balance off. I have a whole new attitude about working out, watching what I eat and keeping fit. I have no doubt I will keep it off this time (I have lost weight and worked out regularly before).

I also rededicated myself to earning sufficient income. Because I knew (or at least beleived I knew) why she had strayed adn seemed (in october) genuinely remorseful, I forgave her and, though I do not remember how, found this forum. It has been very helpful. In fact, I recommend it to my clients who always thank me.

I have read His Needs Her Needs, The Five Love Languages, Sheet Music and believe every person who wants to have a relationship should be required to read those books. I am presently abouyt five ssessions into counseling. My wife refuses counseling and has only read about 60 page of His Needs Her Needs (which occured after the discovery in January). I have shown her romantic love and done all the things I think I am supposed to be doing. I am very comforrtable with my efforts so far.

However, she has mentioned on occasion that she needs some time to think about things. I have tried to impress upon her that separating makes it easier to stay separate. She professes to wanting the marriage to work but her actions show otherwise. Although, I must admit that had about enou8gh at the time of my latest discovery that she was keeping in touch with the OM. I do believe it had only been by e-mail and she claims it was very infrequently. I also believe that she is the one pursuing him though he had done nothing to discourage it. He filed for divorce in September 2004 from his wife but there has been no activity on his case since 10/1/04 when she filed her answer (the Court records are online. He lives about five houirs away in another state and she says there has never been discussion of a future with him and she can't really explain why she does it.

So now to my question. I have moved out. We have the three chidlren. She got really upset with me last week and stormed in my office when she beleived that I had told her friend I wanted to get a divorce. Actually, her friend clearly misunderstood my note in that I stated I thought the marrage was over because of the lack of effort on my wife's part, not mine and that I was doing everything I could to keep it together.

I had been e-mailing my wife encouraging words and forwarding e-newsletters I receive about keeping love alive, marriage together, etc. I sent her an e-mail advising that I would no longer write her and she e-mailed back that she didn't want me to stop and that she enjoyed receiving the encouraging words.

Since we have now separated, what kind of contact should I keep? What about my demeanor toward her? Do I act like friendly as if there is no change in life. We have to maintain contact as we have three young kids. She claims to have been devasted when I moved all my things out in January 2006 but I stayed because of talks we had and I thought at that point truly moving out was not necessary.

It's crazy, but I would like my marriage to be work. I married for life and don't want to give up.

Just got off the phone with her. I do admit I have a problem with anger and bitterness. I realize that I caused her unhappiness but not her affair. Sometimes I am not very friendly. And I'm sure this is not helpful. How am I supposed to act at this point. If I am too firendly amynore, I'm a doormat. And if I am unfriendly, then why would she want to work thngs out. Boy, I wish she would read those books and attend counseling with me.

All adivce if very welcome.

Thanks.

I'll bet she mentioned something about "needing some space" too, didn't she? It's a classic code for "I want you out of the way while I get really into this affair thing."

Are you saying you have a legal separation agreement in place or did you just move out?

Well, moving out was a huge mistake. You can't work on your marriage if you arent' there. Not only that, but with you gone, it gives her the freedom to pursue her affair unimpeded. [which is why she wanted the "time to think" anyway] She can even invite her boyfriend into the home with you gone. I will also add that many courts view this as abandonment.

Now, if you were home to actually work on your marriage, there are many things we could suggest that could potentially save your marriage, such as a program of ATTRACTION and the ruination of her affair.

It sounds to me like she is still in her affair and it doesn't sound like it has ever been exposed. So, you have LOTS of tools at your disposal, but the first thing that needs to happen is you should GO HOME. Just go there and move back. Don't ASK, just GO.

That will be a starting place. When you get there, tell her you love her and are there to work on your marriage. Tell her you know you have been hard to live with and are willing to change. Let her you know that with some work you can fall in love again. Give her a big kiss and DO NOT allow her to bait you into a fight.

That is the first step.

Besides your finances you need to focus on your kids....
AND by ALL means get back into the house... i don't care how but if you do divorce you will be negatively impacted by the fact that you left the house.

I have done all the Plan A stuff.

Quote: "Tell her you know you have been hard to live with and are willing to change. Let her you know that with some work you can fall in love again. Give her a big kiss . . ."

I have done all that already. I have said I would change. In fact, I have changed a great deal. A huge issue was always money. I re-dedicated myself to providing financially immediately and made a bunch with a good outlook on the horizon. Got a mumber of bills paid and began paying a number of others. However, with each new discovery came significant financial setback/slowdown because I then had to try to get over the new discovery, became somehat (well, alot) obsessive about finding out more, and then was back to having trouble paying bills.

Don't I look like more of a doormat if I go back into the house and just do more of the same? I am confident since the first discovery I have been meeting all needs except financial (though even that is improving).

Frankly, I can get back into the house if I want to. We live in a small town and she doesn't want people to know the situation. Though the ones that need to know, do know.

Quote: "Are you saying you have a legal separation agreement in place or did you just move out?"

I am just out at this point. I think if something was filed then it would really be easy for her to not work on the marriage.

Quote: "Besides your finances you need to focus on your kids.... AND by ALL means get back into the house... i don't care how but if you do divorce you will be negatively impacted by the fact that you left the house."

If you mean by "negatively impacted" that I will have difficulty getting custody or seeing my kids, I do not think that me leaving the house will have that impact. First, the house is owned by her parents (one of the issues) so I would not be staying there anyway. Second, I play a signifcant role in my kids' lives and would not be impacted in that way. She has been an amazing mom (well, excpet for the havoc she is causing/going to cause by her affair.

When I packed my stuff in January I was the one who told the the 10 and 12 year olds that I would be leaving and it was incredibly heartbreaking.

What good is being in the house if the other person does not appear to want to work on it and you have done PLan A? By the way, my counselor is pro-marriage and familar with Marriage Builders and Dr. Harley.

SFA, for talking purposes, there are NO wayward spouses who want to work on the marriage. Oh sure, there is one here and there who becomes remorseful immediately when their betrayed spouse finds out about the adultery, but they are the "exceptions that prove the rule."

If you want to recover this marriage and make it better than it was, your first step is to move back home. Don't delay it until the planets align properly in the skies or whatever sign you might look for. Just do it.

I have a link in my signature block to a thread on how to organize a recovery. You might take a look at that. It should give you some pointers on how to set up a strategic plan to get your marriage back on track.

When can you move home, SFA?

Quote: If you want to recover this marriage and make it better than it was, your first step is to move back home."

But if I have done the Plan A stuff and she was still keeping in contact with the OM, isn't the next step Plan B and cutting off contact with her?

Quote: "I have a link in my signature block to a thread on how to organize a recovery. You might take a look at that. It should give you some pointers on how to set up a strategic plan to get your marriage back on track."

I have reviewed it and it is excellent. I think I made the attempts that you describe, with one exception: I did takl about mending the relationship with her.

Quote: "When can you move home, SFA?"

I can do it tomorrow. I could do it today but the air conditioner motor blew and she is spending the night at her mother's house. If I do go home, do I ever say anything about attempting to make the marriage work. Do I act like Plan A again with all the positive acts on my part and not speak of the relationship or love bust? Do I ignore her?

Thanks for the help.

SFA, Plan A is not done until you have done everything to bust up the affair. Go home and tell her you want to work on the marriage.

Then set out to bust up her affair by exposing it. Don't tell her you are going to expose. We will help you do this in the most strategic way. Exposure is ruinous to affairs so that will be your next step.

But please get home as soon as you can and let her know you love her and are there to work on the marriage. No fighting and NO lovebusters!

Plan B will come later.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

I beleive that I have done everything I can to bust up their affair. All our close friends know about it, her parents and sisters know about it. I've exposed my knowledge to the OM. Who else is there to expose to.

As for the carrot and the stick. I am confortable in my belief that I have followed each item to this point.

If it is thought that it would help, I suppose I can go back home, tell her I want to work on our marriage, do all the good things I have been doing and just not discuss actually working on the marriage and hope she comes around.

I thought that if I was not int he home, and she has to make up for all that I do, or not receive the love I have been showing, she will miss it and will see the benefits to us getting back to a good, committed marriage.

SFA, have you exposed to the OM's wife? That is a CRITICAL exposure. I would expose on his end after you get moved back into your home. That may very well be the thing that closes off that avenue for good. She may be not be willing to try the marriage as long as she thinks there are possibilities here. If the OMW knows, it closes off that avenue.

Once that is done and the dust settles, you can look at a proper Plan B, where SHE does the moving out and you get the kids. After all, since she is the one who wants the seperation, she is the one who should move. You and your children should not pay the price for her affair. She needs to feel the full force of the consequences of her decisions.

If she is allowed to stay in her nice, comfortable home, she never feels the consequences. She is protected.....at your expense.

When you get back into the house, can you install a keylogger on her computer and get your phones tapped before you do any exposing?

No I have not. I did call her house once early on after the first discovery but got no answer. They have been separated for about two years and their divorce has been filed since 9/04.

He is employed in another state. He would not move to my state for her. She would not move to another state because I would have the kids and she would rarely see them. Despite what she is doing to me, she has been an incredible hands-on mom.

I agree that if she wants space she should go. However, that is not realistic. A court would order me to go and the house is owned by her parents. I would be the one to be forced out.

I have had a keylogger for four months. However, after having been a stay at home mom for ten years, she has been working outside the home for the last two. She does her communicating by e-mail while at work. She is employed by a school so now that it is summer, she will have to find another way to communicate. She has not used the computer at home at all (though the keylogger hasd kept me abreast of my kids activities). We recently went from dial-up to cable interent so I am hoping that the convenience will attract her to using the hiome computer.

How do I tap my phone?

Get back in that house! Even if you use the excuse of the children, you and effective put part of Plan A into effect that way.

No I have not. I did call her house once early on after the first discovery but got no answer. They have been separated for about two years and their divorce has been filed since 9/04.[/quote]

I would give her a call, SFA. It sounds like they are still married and probably the divorce is on hold. The story about seperation may be a lie, it often is.


I don't think she would move to another state. I think just the continuation of the affair long distance will keep her disengaged from your marriage and in a fantasy land. Long distance affairs, unfortunately, have a long shelf life becuase they are shielded frm reality. If the OM's W is told about the affair, it may end the affair frm that end or at the least, create conflict.

You can buy a voice activated tape recorder for your phone line from Radio Shack that is pretty easy to use. You can also get one to put in her car.

These are very wise words.

Who said this? Oh, YOU DID!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Are you home yet?

Be a model citizen and the best Dad you can be and continue your self improvement project. No matter what happens with her, you'll be a better person. Let her stew. Don't argue with her. Don't consider yourself a doormat.

I am back in the house (though it is essentially to listen to the kids practice their music or go to sleep). I have been avoiding being at the house otherwise (did make a comment tonite to let her know I am not gettingout). However, I am losing interest in continuing to try to make it work. I have busted my butt to better myself (at least in my opinion) but have not seen any attempts on my wife's part to either show an interest in working on the M or in acknowledging my attempts to fix things.

I am convinced she is still contacting/seeing OM. Last week she had a doctor appointment that I was unable to attend with her in a city about 1 1/2 hours away. I came to the house as she was getting ready and noticed that a couple of items from her lingerie drawer were on the dresser (so that she could get to an item under those particular pieces). She had her purse in the bathroom with her as she got ready and was very angrey for me being at the house, angry stating that I was only there to spy on her (well, that and I was tired and did try to get some sleep).

So as she was preparing to leave I reminded her that several days before she had asked me what she could do to gain my trust. At the time I told her that as she is truthful, it would increase. Well, as she was walking out the door I told her that it would go a long way for her to open up her purse and let me look inside. Now she got really angry and refused assuring me that she was not going to be seeing him while out. I said "In that case then it's no big deal to show me the purse's contents and that it would show truthfulness." She just got angrier and left.

I later called the OM at work to see if he was there since it's three hours away from where she would be. How surprised I was (said sarcastically) when I was advised that he was not in that day.

Though she came home earlier than I expected, she still had plenty of time to meet and I am convinced she did meet him.

I have remained in the house but am quickly losing interst in dealing with her. As much as it would kill me to not be around my kids, I lose some more interest in continuing to work on M with each day I have to wait for her to decide to work on M. Not sure if I mentioned this in another post, but when I have discussed the need to work on M and not separate she has several times said that working on it or believing that we should work on the M is what I want, not necessarily what she wants, that that is why she wants to separate, so she can "figure out what she wants."

She says all the classic WS stuff, but I am getting tired of it. Each day I want more to make her suffer and see what it would be like (especially financially, since that is the major reason she wandered) if I was not providing, especially since she works at a school, it is summer and she has no income until school starts up again. However, it goes back again to my kids and the pain and discomfort it would cause them. Money has unfortuantely continued to be very tight for us. Each time I get a little further from the last discovery and get back to conctrating on my career, I have made a new discovery which causes me to obsess and snoop and therefore ignore my work, which doesn't bring in any money. Funny how she doesn't understand the effect of all this and brushes off my comments that our money situation would be different if she gave up the guy.

I don't really understand my wavering and interest in ending it one day and then the next hoping things can be worked out. I am convinced that if I did not have kids I would have been gone right from the start.

As I understand PLan A, I am to work on myself which I did, as I believe I posted earlier. Even recently weighed myself for first time in three months to find I've lost 72 pounds since D-Day (at least if nothing else I have a totally new ability to eat healthy and exercise which I am sure will continue no matter what. I feel a zillion times healthier). Also, until recently I was doing all the stuff to show her how I love her, beleive I was meeting her ENs, building up Love Bank (she said she appreciaed all I was doing), leaving love notes, etc. Now can't bring myself to say "I Love You" to her, though I did leave a note on the mirror telling her I love her. I was also doing things like rubbing her back when passing her, giving massage, etc. Don't see point now since she obviously has no interest in touching me.

Wish I knew for sure if they met last week. Was going to have P.I. follow her, but the one I was going to use was unavailable when I decided to go that route and I couldn't afford another one (the one I was going to use I know professionally and would have been billed, would not have had to put up a retainer). At least then I would have documented proof, I don't believe I can confront her with my (though in my mind valid) speculation. Or can I. I would like to try to bluff her and say I know he met her, that I know she took lingerie from her drawer, but I don't know for sure. Guess I am afraid that if I am wrong it would make working on M less interesting for her.

Geez, what a mess I have become!

So . . . I suppose what I am really trying to ask is when is enough enough despite not wanting to hurt the kids (though I know what she is doing is the thing that is hurting them). By the way, of course when I say that to her, she says that the affair is not what is affecting the marriage anymore, yadda yadda yadda.

Thanks to all who can understand this rambling nonsense.

Any words of wisdom (or otherwise) are greatly appreciated!!!