shew - it finally happened and while i feel the weight of responsibility on my shoulders - D, home, dogs etc...i feel much lighter tonight.

yesterday - she was all calm and cordial. this morning - i got up made d breakfast and then got we got dressed and went to leave.

i said goodbye to ww...said what are your plans...she informed she was staying in the city...i said - where she told me with Op. I said you better pack enough so you don't need to come back....choose to the the right thing and just get out....that she wasn't going to do this to us anymore...and at least the bs and the lies were out in the open.

D & I went over to see some friends and then over to my p house. when i knew she was gone i came back to the house and changed the locks on the doors.

she took her most of her clothes (not all of them) and a picture of herself when she was a baby - and a picture of her father. jewlery, some of her mothers things etc...she left. i figure i will pack them up and put them out on the porch for her to get...then she can't get in the house.

what now...? complete dark plan b is what i figure...don't think i will write the letter - don't think she deserves a love letter from me...

she can't touch D - but she said yesterday she would try...

D stayed at my folks house tonight - i didn't want her in that school being as it is so close to w work...not sure how to handle this part from here.

I know this is a hard time for you. The biggest thing now is to protect yourself and your child. Get a lawyer right away. Get the parenting plan and finances under control ASAP.

Sorry this had to happen to you. At least, it happening in an honest manner.

I don't know, CL...you're in my thoughts and prayers...

Can a call out to Mortarman help you? Mimi?

I'm impressed you changed the locks yourself.

I wouldn't do without a simple letter on top of her boxed stuff...saying you are using ____ as a third-party...all communication goes through ____; that the visitation schedule with DD will be _____ days, supervised by your parents...or a mutual friend, because you do not want DD to be around predatory male...okay, nix predatory male, still...I know Jean36 put language into her separation papers where OP wasn't allowed around her kids until divorce was final by decree...

and you do say why you're going dark...because you've lost your love for her due to the constant pain of her choices and to regain some, you have to not have any contact while she is in her affair...and the way back has to be in there...NC letter prepared by her, no contact for life, viewed by you, and sent together; commitment to being transparent to verify no contact; and MC and IC.

You know your daughter loves her mother...this is sufficient, maybe, to help you save love for WW when you are out of constant pain.

Plan B is a boundary enforcement...and if you lag behind it, bend it at will or trim its edges as you go, then your integrity, your self-respect will suffer. This isn't punishment, or manipulation...this is you stating and meaning that you will only be half of a two-party marriage.

Do with class, CL...or your intent (by not doing the letter) will be punishing, wouldn't it?

At the end of the day, who do you want to look at in the mirror?

Disrupting DD's routine may be harsh, CL...if she attends a school regularly, then tomorrow, advise the teachers of the separation and WW affair, and to not let WW remove DD from school without a court order in her hand? I dunno...I'm wondering.

Don't act from fear...keep choosing from love, 'k, CL?

(((((()))))))

LA

CL, write the Plan B letter. There are variations of that letter that won't be a love letter. If you leave things up in the air, she won't know what you're looking for before she can come back to the marriage.

If she's left, she's officially abandoned her home and her child. That's important in many states but see what your attorney has to say. I don't know exactly what you mean by "she can't touch D" and that you don't know how to handle WW working near your daughter's school. If you're concerned she might try to kidnap your daughter, get a protective order from the court. The abandonment may well be a key element in obtaining one.

Then go dark, CL. It's the best thing you can do. If you don't do the Plan B letter and then go dark, you'll be constantly hearing from her and they won't be pretty conversations.

thanks grape and LA -

i am working hard to choose from love and not fear...but love for d and myself...don't know if i can ever love w again after this. Sturgis once said - there are alot of nice, wonderful apples in the barrel why settle for one that is rotten. she has berated and belittled me for so long...(long before the a - this is just the icing) it will be nice to get back to me for awhile - the good part of me.

i guess - yes she can see d - only with supervision. my poor kid has been put through the mill - confused and tossed around. She is adopted and flown thousands of miles - entrusted to us to be given a better life and this is what she gets? her life needs to be a wonderful one - filled with joy, happiness, and play. not the crap she has had to endure. i am determined to give her her due...the life i promised to give.

the plan b letter - i will consider - maybe tomorrow - or in a day or too when i have my wits about me.

hey long horn...in a previous post - i explained the D bit...she is adopted - the attorney we hired screwed up badly...forged paper work ended up in jail - but by a stroke of luck (perhaps the gods were smiling on me...the adoption decree on had my name on it.) we were working to fix this HARD - and then this all happened and i put a halt on fixing the error...it was about to be fixed...a couple of weeks away...had the court date and everything - then i called the new attorney who was fixing the error and told them what was happening - they advised me to stop.

they assured me she can try to fight it but it will be near impossible for her to win....especially now.

Thanks longhorn on the advice re plan b letter - i don't want her hassling me at work etc... i will look again at the plan b posts for some help on this.

completelylost,

That's awesome about your daughter, never heard that before. Sounds like destiny to me. Best of luck.

the screw up attorney (maybe not so screwed up actually come to think of it) i had known for many years - prior to meeting my w. she did not like or trust my w - i came to hear this from my P's long after the fact. So perhaps her mistake was not so much of a mistake...my w rode her hard on all issues...and was very difficult to work with - so now i think that her oops mistake was not so much of an oops.

talked with attorney today...and they said that although i have custody locked up - she can file for visitation and fight as hard as she wants and as much as her finances allow...the best thing to do is let her visit - informally in a controlled environment - i can set the ground rules - OP is not permitted. everyone seems to think she will make a few feeble attempts and then go away...

me i am not so sure of this...

i have not heard from her - she has not called to check in on the baby...i have no idea what she is planning to do. a little scary - being in the dark like this.

Plan B is YOU going dark. Remember, YOU are in control, you have a plan, you are doing the proper work to get through this. Don't give your power away.

How's the Plan B letter coming?

Best wishes,
SD

pulling it together...i need to mail her her bills...so i will send it off in a packet to her at her job...will post here before sending. I have not heard from her indays now...all this bodes well for any custody attempts she may make...attorney also suggested i go dark...a contact should be through the mail. if she wants to see d - she can at my house very informally -

Completelylost,

I strongly suggest that you FINISH the adoption. For reasons that are different than yours, I am in the exact same situation as your wife. And it has lasted for three years. (The anniversary was yesterday, in fact.) The utter betrayal of an attempt to sever a parent's relationship with a child is so incredibly destructive that you should not be contemplating it. I know it's very hard to see clearly, but your daughter NEEDS both her parents. Much more, in fact, than you need your wife. Destruction or damage to a parent-child bond, particularly when it's caused by the other parent, is one of the most devastating things a child can ever go through. It is also one of the most destructive things that the parents can ever go through.

I know your lawyers are advising you otherwise. I will tell you plainly that my ex's attorneys advised her otherwise as well.

It will NEVER END, completely lost. Not ever.

Treat this woman who is also your wife AS A PARENT. One who has just as much RESPONSIBILITY to parent this child as you do.

Here's something that a mediator told us: "When you're breaking up, the more betrayals of your word there are, the harder it is to come to a good co-parenting relationship afterward."

She was so, so right. Please, do not do this to your family. Your daughter HAS a mom and a dad. Don't make that untrue. It's horrible. Truly horrible.

If you want to look up my old threads, please feel free to. I can't currently stand the thought of going through all that agony again.

And if you would like to contact me offline with questions, please feel free to. My e-mail address is in my signature.

Something to add, here. I just went back and looked for the age of your daughter. I think I found it and she's three years old.

I will also tell you plainly that this is the absolutely worst time for a child to be going through the potential loss of a parent. A child's parental attachments are the most important during the toddler and preschool years -- from about 18 months through about 5 years old. Losing a parent during that time is permanently and horrifically destructive. Your daughter will be PERMANENTLY harmed by severing contact.

If you would like a good reference for the child-development side of this, please let me know. During my custody work, we used a very highly respected child development researcher at the National Institutes of Health. Almost all of what I'm saying now is stuff that I learned from him and from my attorney, who is one of the best child custody attorneys in the DC area.

we adopted our son when he was 3

he'd been in a foster home that was like a 'puppy farm' ... lots of kids all under one roof

he's fine today ...

of course there were problems
serious problems

but he's really fine now (age 20)

have DD see a counselor, yes, even at age 3

Counseling is certainly an excellent idea. I would say it's a better idea not to cause the harm in the first place, though.

But JJ, aren't you missing the point that it is CL's wayward wife who has created this separation? You seem to hold CL responsible for the separation when, in fact, he was only responding to an intolerable situation. My goodness, the child would be at least as harmed by the presence of a lying, deceitful, disrespectful adulteress in the home who subordinates everything else in favor of her partner in adultery. How would that be any improvement?

This is something that I had to learn. Having an affair does not make you a bad parent. Sometimes people do dumb things while they're having affairs. Sometimes bad parents have affairs. Sometimes people who are deep in affairs LOOK like bad parents, but aren't the rest of the time. The fact that his wife had an affair and created a separation does not in any way give him the right to deny a child contact with her other parent.

And no, a child is NOT harmed by someone who lies to their spouse, who is having an affair, who is creating chaos in her husband's life.

A child is harmed when she is neglected, abused, assaulted, or exposed to other grossly damaging behaviors.

Though I am a very, very strong advocate for marriage and against adultery, the fact of adultery does not, in and of itself, make a bad parent.

In this case, with a child who is already at risk because of the adoption and the instability that created in her early life, it is critical that SHE know when she's going to see her mommy, that her mommy is going to continue to be a stable and solid presence in her life, and that her mommy will not be prevented from seeing her.

Structure: Clearly defined and highly regular visitation. Children who are your daughter's age do well with overnights with both parents. Something like two days with one, then two days with the other is what's often recommended.

Safe: In an environment that all parties agree is safe. You may be able to prevent the OM from participating, or you may not. I fought that battle and lost in the end, but I was successful in limiting their contact for nearly two years.

With respect to both parents: Supervised visitation is usually reserved for people who are at high risk of abusing, assaulting, or fleeing with their children. It is NOT appropriate in other circumstances.

My daughter was 4 when her mother began her adultery. My daughter saw and understood what was happening was not right. It scarred my daughter badly; she cannot stand to be in the same room for very long with her mother these days. They argue constantly and my daughter traces it all back to that time 34 years ago.

As her father, I’d have to say her adulterous mother and her ways had more of a negative impact on my daughter than separation from her mother ever possibly could have. I’d have given my eyeteeth to have been able to take my child from the influences that woman subjected her babies to, but the laws were not as favorable for men back then. I was powerless.

CL, I support what you're doing for that little girl in every respect. You're doing what a man should do to protect a young child from evil. Stay strong, man.

While my daughters do not know of their M's A, she became a different person while it was going on, and I'm sure that they picked up on this.

I think that it's ludicrous to believe that you can engage in adultery and still be a good parent to your kids. Typical WS fog-speak IMO.