Ok, I’m stuck in a dilemma. I just started counseling with my WW and not a moment too soon. I was happy that she decided to join me, because I came across new emails that were questionable and one comment in it saying ‘see ya sweetie, smile for me’, also ‘let me know about Friday so I can plan’ (this one wasn’t too questionable but was in the same email as the sweetie). I confronted my WW on this and she said that is just her nick name to him. Another person calls her Hun, and another calls her kid-o. I’m like sweetie let alone hun to me is not nick names. These emails were a week before her disappearing off with this guy and about a week after our 8th anniversary where she left me to believe that everything was ok and getting better.

I’ve also come across some other interesting things as well. Over the past 2 or close to 3 months the music my WW listened to went from happy stuff to dark stuff, like if I was dead would anybody notice to I wish I was dead type stuff. From the help of my cousin holding onto the copies of these emails, he found two things. One is the OM’s myspace account which he pointed out where my WW twisted death thoughts have come from. After reading what was on his sight, it made perfect sense, also with the music he listed that he listens to, is exactly the same things she’s listening to right now. Usually I’d say just coincidental, but not when this OM is in question.

Anyways, the second finding was the OM’s either S/GF/SO email address. All I know is that they are in counseling and they have a kid together. They are separated too. I just found the email address and before my counseling session, I was going to expose to her everything I knew. Our counselor has in a sense started us all the way back to plan A, I mean all the way back to the very beginning. She told me that she’s in no right frame of mind to be making any changes right now because anything that would be brought to her attention on what is harmful is going to drive her away or drive her to want to do more of it. A rebelling kid is the best way to put it. I understood this. I had forgotten to ask the councilor about exposing to the OM’s SO.

My dilemma is, do I email her now and tell her what’s going on which would be the right thing to do since I would like to know if I was in her position. Or do I wait until my next session and bring it up with my councilor to see what she thinks about it. Since our session my WW has been slowly coming out of the fog, really showing what looked like withdrawal, but I’m not going to jump on that wagon yet to assume that. I do want to tell the OM SO, but at the same time I don’t want to screw up what I’ve accomplished so far.

Any suggestions in this dilemma would be helpful.

As i understand Plan A, exposing the affair is part of it. Don't know how the councelor can say be quiet about it, maybe he has a deeper plan to draw it out, to you rather than have you expose it. I'd place a call to the MC and see how it's going to happen

This is where i'm confused at. Right now the MC on vacation until the day of our next session which is on 6/6. I guess i can wait until then. I'm already working on a letter to the OM's SO and will hang on to it until then.

The big thing the MC told me was to just keep a safe comfortable home for her so when she's ready to open up, i'll be there. Also for my WW to see that I am willing and working on changes in myself and our M. I'm also going to see my Dr on depression. I have been wrestling with it for a while and just came to terms with it and just said, i need to get help. But my Dr is out on vacation until 6/12, which i will see him on 6/15.

I must have picked a wrong time for alot of this. :-) But I was happy that my WW did go with me to MC. I had told her I made an appt and would like to see her join me if she wishes and she did come with me. I thanked her for coming with me afterwards. I'm hoping and seeing this as the first steps forward.

We had our DD with us during the frist session since I couldn't find anybody to watch her. So we did like individual sessions but still a couples session. The MC told me, she will come back. It will take time and work, but she will come back and on the next session we'll work more on a plan, right now since she's in the fog, it will be a bit more difficult for a couples goal, so i'm set with individual goal, which is to not talk about R, just daily stuff, and be supportive and give affection, etc.

Hmm. A key part of Plan A is exposure. If your MC tells you not to expose and the affair is ongoing, find a new counsellor. What ever way, the OM's W must be told and this should be done by you without delay.

I'm not sure if the A is still going on or not. No letter has been written yet. But I haven't come across any evidence from my snooping that there is still contact and I have it really hard for her to hide it. As I had mentioned I'm in the middle of writing my letter to the OM's SO.

I'm going to give this MC a few sessions to see where this all goes, but if I don't see any direction, I'm going to goto the male MC that I spoke with. Almost reminds me of the Dr Phil approach. I can take anything dished out. I want to learn from my mistakes and want my WW to learn from her's as well, then build a healthy strong M from that.

I talked with our current MC for like an hour on the phone and she was pretty certain that this M could be saved and after talking with her on saturday, she assured me that with work and time we will be back. She has had alot of years doing this and is pretty confident in saving M's. I've asked alot of questions and stuff from her and several other's i've talked to prior before choosing her. But i have talked with a male MC late saturday and he gave me a better feeling. I just didn't want to see my WW to close into herself when another male points out what she's doing wrong such as i had in the past (many LB's before learning)

ok,

i have a question on MC, obviously the MC should have some sort of plan, how many sessions should there be before they come up with a plan, or should i give some outlines on a plan i'm looking at. Our first session was like a together but separate session because our DD was with us. our first true joint session is going to be on 6/6.

i'm new to this and would like all the info i could get and what to expect from MC. atleast what should be expected in the first few sessions so i can tell if this MC is really worth our time and money or find another.

thanks
lost