WH did it. WH called & spoke to OW. WH has separated from OW. Strangely I didn’t rejoice. Instead, I had questions, questions in my head. You sure it's over, just like that?

WH did it very swiftly after one night of solitary reflection when I did Plan B. After a beautiful Plan A, we discussed but when WH could not make his choice, I had to act on my decision. I kicked WH out of the house on the spot. Absolutely no tears!

WH stayed at office for only 1 night & spent the following day convincing me he has come to realise what he truly wants in life after the moment of solitude. And so WH did it with OW - the breakoff.

WH asked to put the past behind us & start anew. We talked & he said "time will heal" & I felt touched, thinking WH was referring to my raw wounds and our marriage recovery.

Then WH said "what was so difficult in the past was cos there was so much synergy". OH! WH is talking about his breakup with OW! His heartache & pain ! Some background to understand better, they started out as biz partner, great sparring partner to bounce biz ideas & then ...There has been connection at the intellectual level & guess emotional too. I am aware that total sep means giving up a core biz for WH & this is also very painful for WH.

WH even told OW he was kicked out that 1 night but insisted they didnt meet. WH indeed called me several times from office that night. WH said he called OW cos he was very depressed. And whenever WH is down, especially in biz, WH contacts OW, OW uplifts him, inspires him. They are soulmates! Previously, WH has shared before that he has told OW about us going marriage coaching etc. WH tells OW everything! They are that connected!

Yes, I want total honesty but it pains me to know about their emotional connection & WH's heartache breaking up with OW. I struggle with WH's honesty about his feelings. Should I stop further such sharing? Or allow it to continue to slowly foster a connection between us? Need to strike a balance to keep sane.

I am touched by fact that WH is giving up a core biz for us. And WH has said he will give total commitment & made the future beautiful for us. So touching! But I do tread with caution. A really ended & my ordeal really over? Plan B success so soon? Need to be skeptical, need to protect myself

Giving WH benefit of doubt, how to proceed to recover? Pls tell me honestly, in my face, if it's wishful thinking on my part, that I am just being dragged on an emotional roller-coaster, if you think this is false recovery.

What about emotional infidelity? What if WH cant snap out? Is WH in withdrawal yet? What are the signs of withdrawals & how to conquer them? Or is it too soon for me to ask about that?

Then I did serious reflection. In life, there's no guarantee. Nothing is a sure thing except death eventually.
What the heck? So what if I am condemned as the fool of the century? I will accept it's over. Any violent objections?

Recall pep said recovery is harder than Plan A & B. Tell me where the mines are in the minefield I’m going into.

WH has been very nice with me, spending lots of time with me, sharing with me a lot of his feelings......Just cant tell a real recovery from a fake...... that's why the doubts.

Being philosophical here....... let's assume there's still some goodness in WH, that maybe WH truly intends this breakoff with OW to be real WH said for the first time. "Family is most important" that's why WH is giving up core biz so that there will be complete NC

......... but the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak........circumstances may lead to WH caving in to temptations. Cant imagine WH's reactions when the harsh realities of biz hardship sets in??? Maybe many false recoveries started off genuinely by WS as tot NC but temptations & circumstances got the better of WS along the way.....

How to strengthen the flesh? How to resist temptations? Going away for the initial 3 weeks is recommended & is ideal but we cant practically. We are only trying to be together more, movies, dinners, drinks etc and we are still doing so.

But the uncertainty of biz viability hangs over us like a dark cloud....... these worries are great party spoilers.

WH is now updating me all activities daily, we are planning to spend some time with the kids too, maybe a weekend trip....

A sense of dejavu……….. like last Jun’s false recovery………

endofworldnomore

Have you read Surviving an Affair? If not, get the book right NOW. He needs to further his NC with OW with a letter stating the facts! Also don't be surprised by a backslide like a read about in the book, the break with the addiction with be enormous, however his words are right, therefore maybe there is some meaning behind them. Let's see if his actions and demonstrate his sincerity. I'm new here also but these are things I'm learning from posting, threads and SAA book.

1) Is he still working with her?

2) Has he written a No Contact letter that YOU read and approved of and that YOU mailed?
Mulan

SLOW DOWN....DO NOT LET HIM BACK TOO SOON!

Last year my WH left and had an overnight epihany...begged to come home...he was so sorry...he cried...I believed him. He was back home within a week. He baulked at the NC letter,
wouldn't talk about A. In a month he was back in contact w/OW.

It took a year of limbo before he left again.I don't think our chances of recovery now are very good.

This is your chance to institute your boundaries. NO CONTACT of any kind is essential...not in person..not on the phone..email..texting...im...smoke signals...nothing. How has he ended the business relationship?

What are you boundaries?

Proceed cautiously..he was a little uncomfortable in plan B....it sounds like it is still all about him. RED FLAG!!

Hi there

WH seems to have stopped biz relationship with OW. In fact, WH has just stopped recruitment activities to employ a new staff to support a new initiative they have been working on. A positive sign if indeed WH can perserve.

BUT THEN......... problems at work are overwhelming. Biz has been struggling & without OW will only get worse as OW is strategist, one with biz contacts as well. Biz viability without OW is highly questionable.

And the financials arent looking good either. I do the accounts & I see frightening picture.

Knowing biz problems are real, I even wonder if I should support WH by closing one eye and not question what he does to get work done. I feel I am WH's obstacle by asking WH to sep from OW. And yet I cant help lighten WH's burden in any way. I am WH's obstacle.

At the end, it's likely going to be a choice between career and family for WH.

WH spends time with family but isnt really much fun cos heavy burden of biz worries. WH is now busy scooping water out of sinking boat so he can then put in new engine to continue the journey with the boat. The boat being the biz.

Any suggestion that maybe WH should switch to another boat, aka a salaried job instead of own biz is disaster. The the biz may not be in line with God's plan for him is not something WH wants to hear of. Asking WH to pray is also taboo. OW doesnt believe in God, she believes in making things happen herself! WH has also lost his God.

Like many of you here, I have put in so much so much blood & tears to come this far. I just cant believe that there's this major obstacle of bread & butter issues that will let all efforts & pains go to waste.

Previously I prayed fervently for God to help me as I work on saving the marriage, by being nice & warm in Plan A etc. I felt hopeful my prayers will be answered as what I prayed for seems to be according to God's will, to keep the family intact. In fact, I had unexplainable peace at times even during the ups & downs.

But now, I have to pray for WH. Pray that he will find God & a peace in life. (WH is enslaved by biz concerns.) Pray that God will open doors of opportunity for WH in his work. I am gripped by FEAR. cos I am not sure if these are in God's plan for WH. Yes, FEAR.... maybe God wont answer my prayers for WH cos WH has not even confessed to priest about A. (We are Catholics, me RCIA, WH cradle Catholic)

Someone says God will be there at the end of the rope, not before. I am at the end of my rope, tried all to come this far. Where's God?

I wonder if God is there only after we lose grip hanging on the end of the rope & freefall face up to heaven. Feel I am losing grip on the end soooooooooon

Apologies for bringing up religion & hope I dont offend anyone. But I do realise, like Pep previously commented, that this is a journey to save the marriage is a spiritual one.

endofworldnomore?
me BW 41
WH 47, married 16 years, together 19 years
3 kids (14, 11, 2)
1st d-day jun05, 2nd d-day jan06

end, what will happen to your company if you get a divorce? I would just look at it that way, since that is probably where you are headed if she comes back. Your marriage can't recover if she comes back, but I think you realize that. Don't make a deal with the devil, there are always alternatives.

FYI everyone else

they do not live in USA

and there are also some cultural differences that make their situation just slightly more challenging to brainstorm

Pep

1st part of sentence such an apt reminder, 2nd part so hope-giving.

I am waiting faithfully for alternatives..... from God. Really dont mind WH giving up biz, cos I am absolutely low-maintenance wife. Have been through hardship in childhood years, no sweat......

It's WH who's very focussed on biz..... WH's not obsessed with success either. It's just no choice due to age..... In this new economy, employability past 45 dives......... so the need to do make it on your own, especially with dependents as young as 2 is very real.......

Just feel it's such a shame after a long good fight to have $ problems as final (?) stumbling block. Guess only God can help, optimistically. Pessimistically, would be what God cant help, guess no man can :-(

Yes, we live in Asia. But it isnt an entirely chauvinistic society here. We practise monogamy here & A are frowned upon though common too.

Despite being overwhelmed with work burdens, WH spends time with me & kids. WH keeps me posted on activities & repeatedly says he will just have to start anew in biz. FYI OW was there when WH started biz almost 2 years ago. While WH & I have 3 lovely kids, OW & WH have a love child too........ the biz. OW has a hand in many aspects of biz...

So selfishly, I harbour secret wish for biz to fold up....... ha

But seriously must solve the $ problems to move on.......
Really agonising for me to watch WH being tormented by work & $ problems.... WH cant eat & sleep, totally enslaved, not at all at peace. Pray that WH can find peace through God. It means so much to me for God to open up doors of opportunity to WH instead of leaving WH lost in space with no viable paths.......

Have been reading Power of Praying Wife by Stormie O martia. Though uplifting still cant squash my FEARS of the unknown future.


endofworldnomore?

Hi pep

Thanks for popping in. And thank you for getting my WH & I this far.

Current problem is a toughie though...... only prayers & God can help.....

endofworldnomore?

Ok saw an email from OW to WH, it's about work again. OW trying to help WH with some new innovative ideas again!

Just yesterday, I was still so worried for WH who seemed so so stressed by work problems. I felt so pained for WH's suffering cos WH's actions seemed to indicate NC is true & total.

Now, seeing the email only shows that they are still in contact. Possibly WH crumbled under stress & contacted OW. That's why OW sent email with interesting biz idea & innovative gadget which would help with immediate cashflow problems............ OH.......... when's the end?

Yesterday I even entertained thot of closing one eye on WH's activities to get work done. Now...........

I tell you, my thots & emotions are just so unstable....... rising & ebbing like the tides......

What's next..........

As for cultural differences, while A are also not tolerated or encouraged here, there's "face" issue. Meaning, it may be embarrassing for BW to admit WH had A. Cos it's likely going to get others talking about the back. So many a BS just keeps problem to themselves. As such, it's so hard to find someone in the same boat to confide in, let alone seek advice.

endofworldnomore?