Recently I've had some family begin to pressure me to start dating again. They have mentioned that it would good for me so I don't get too far "out of touch".

I'm at two years post separation and roughly one year post divorce. I have custody of my three children so I don't have a lot of time for dating. I have been out a couple of times with a couple of different women but those experiences have lead me to believe it could take quite a while for me to find someone who fits into my life well. Since things are going so well with my kids I've sort of backed off the whole dating idea and I am more focusing on my career and kids right now. I don't want to do anything to upset the good things we've got going right now.

What do you think about this "out of touch" idea? Any merit in it? I've kind of brushed it off as misguided concern but maybe there is something more to it? Will I become dating inept (or more than I already am) if I take a breather from that whole scene for now?

Cheers,

Miker

I feel the same way. I don't have time to work someone into my schedule, and I certainly don't want to waste my valuable time on "dating" people who wouldn't fit.
I believe we'll find our middle ground and when something is right, it will happen. Perhaps it will happen at a child's softball game, or school event, or just during a family activity.

While it wouldn't hurt to talk or email to someone, if you don't find a spark, why let it take away from family time.

I don’t think you’ll lose your touch. I think it’s more likely your family and friends want you to be really happy, and have a hard time understanding that you can be over the loss of your marriage and still not want to date.

Dating takes a LOT of sacrifice when you have custody, have a career and run a house. I know. I do it. I have to give up a lot of little things like perfectly clean kitchen floors, and sewing the girls’ clothing and yoga class in order to date. Oh, and time with my sister and girlfriends.

Even with all of that, I only see my BF once to thrice a week, depending on the visitation schedule.

Needless to say, until I met this man, I wasn’t really thrilled with the idea of dating. My life was full to the brim.

I think you’ll know when you’re ready and you’ll know when you’ve met someone for whom you want to make time in your life. Maybe you can tell people who pester you, “Look, I’m keeping my eyes open. If I see a lady I’d like to date, I’ll ask her out. If I don’t, I won’t go asking people out just for practice. Dating isn’t a sport.”

You'll find the time when you find someone of interest. I too have custody of my three boys & it takes scheduling to date. That & you may not always get the kind of time you want to spend with someone or you may not always want to find the time.

For me there seems to be an eb & flow to dating. Sometimes I'm very interested, sometimes it feels like too much effort. I am hoping someone special comes along soon. I'm SURE I'll find time for him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Miker~

It says alot about your character that you have custody of your children, which tells me you take parenting seriously.

I don't think you have any worries concerning re-entering the dating world, when you're ready. I think it's refreshing to know that you're not dating just to date.

I don't know when or how, but I believe it will happen for you one day, and it will be meaningful when that time comes.

I like GG's idea on a response.

Best to you,
Karona

Thanks everyone. Its reassuring to hear that I'm not the only one that feels that way.

Newly,

Yes I guess we have to keep our eyes open to the possibilities. I don't think I'm closed to the idea, I'm just not going to actively pursue dates just so I can say "I'm dating". If I just happen to meet someone who I really like and see a potential future with, then sure I'd be open to the idea.

GG,

Yes I know my family and friends have their hearts in the right place. But next it will be my kids pressuring me! So what was it about Mr. Right that made you see the light? To be honest with you I'm not the most confident in my judgement after the whole marriage fiasco. I'm curious as to what about your BF made you decide it was worth pursuing.

Nams,

Its not that I'm adverse to the whole dating idea its more that I don't really want to do it just for the sake of dating. I'd like to spend time with someone who I found interesting and would like to get to know better. I'm just not sure how I am going to find all these interesting people when I'm so busy working and running kids around to various activities.

Karona,

Thanks for the kind words. I'm quite happy on my own right now and my life is far less complicated than it used to be. When the time and the person is right, hopefully I will know it.

Yes GG is right. I think a lot of people do think of dating as kind of a sport. I don't know if that's such a good idea when you have children involved.

Miker

Why did I decide he was worth it? Wow. That's a tough one. At first, I think it was curiosity. He was different from anyone I'd ever dated, and I couldn't get a read on him.

I have to say it developed very slowly at first. Actually, it still is going slowly when I compare my relationship with my sister's or Peachy's. Sometimes we went a week and a half without seeing each other. If he hadn't been so patient, so considerate, I'd have thrown in the towel.

He knows and accepts that I worry about the long-term effects. He also is almost as committment-phobic as I am. That said, we do not date others, and we have an agreement to use our schedules to be able to see each other as much as possible given our other responsibilities. That and he lets me talk as much as he talks.

The same here, so same...

My life is so full and happy (with my son, work, parents, friends, and also - with 'my new self'!) that I have no time to waste on someone if not "so special"... and I don't see any special one around... and no way I'd take my free time from my son to be looking around, searching, meeting different people... but - I am sure, once I (if) meet 'the special one', I'll find the time and space and reorganize things around... so I'm not worried I'll 'get too far out of touch' at all...

Nor I am burdened if I don't meet 'him' at all... and that sounds scary to me, only sometimes though... but, well... 'don't change things you don't feel they are worth of changing'...

PS: Miker, I know it is not so rare anymore that the father gets full custody and doing a great job with the kids, but know only two of them (in 3D)... well, just to say how much I respect them, and you here too... I so much adore you (all) for that!

B2M,

Thanks so much for the kind words.

The sad reality for me is that I know I probably wouldn't have gotten primary custody if it went to court except that my Ex didn't want it. Thankfully it worked out the way it did, and my kids seem to be really thriving in the current arrangement. They are all really good kids and have become 'A' students. My eldest has gone from having learning difficulties to being an 'A' student since the divorce so maybe in that way the divorce was good for her...

That's part of the reason for my tentativeness around dating. I don't want to rock the boat. I am a bit worried that I'll suck at dating, but I don't think it'll probably have much to do with being "out of touch" rather than just being not good at it.

I do see opportunities where I could date, but for some reason I don't. I'm not completely sure why yet. Maybe its still a self confidence thing. I guess I'm just not ready for that in my life yet.

Cheers,

Miker

it's ok. since we all left the dating scene wayyy back when...things changed a bit.

computers became not just for work anymore. people used them as a dating tool. dating tool????whaaaat? I was thunderstruck.

and then came the values changes that I see everywhere...whaaaaaaat? I am a traditional girl and was floored with the stuff going on in the giant sea of singleness now.

I felt wierd.

but like others, I wanted to date.

but then got reallly happy from time to time. SOOOO HAPPPY in fact that I loved life. It was good! free to be me. smile, laugh, do whatever I felt like doing. and being the mom I wanted to be the way I know I am supposed to be...without the dark overlord of the sith imposing his will.

I think I began to really learn how to laugh in the last 2 years. How to hand pictures, take out garbage, do household duties...and yea, I NEED TO CLONE MYSELF to get it all done.

I only dated when ds was with darth for visitation. that is and was my plan. I only do that b/c I want my child to KNOW HE IS MY PRIORITY. It's hard on little ones. especially when one xspouse is still a WS.

my advice? go to social events. take cooking classes. do as I did and join a political support/social club. we have tons of members! join a church. go to book signings of your favorite authors...you just might meet a girl who happens to like your favorite authors, might be her favorite author too, in line! just go out! you don't have to always have a date. and you don't always have to be online to find one either.

I tried online too. It was not my cup of tea. too many hidden agendas. and I had one guy cyberstalk me to the point where he actually offline, found friends of mine and questioned them and tried to find ways to find me offline. scary.

I read in another book that if you alter routine aspects of your daily routine, it can put you in contact with TONS OF PEOPLE you might not get to meet. such as, you do the following activities:
1)dry cleaning==pick up
2)starbucks by house for cappucino
3)bookstore for magazines by house
4)favorite sushi restaurant on fridays.

wow. think if you just changed if all up. not radical, just simple. You use ANOTHER DRY CLEANER. and you pick up clothes at a busy time. You meet NEW PEOPLE! Same applies if you go to simply ANOTHER STARBUCKS. Another barnes n noble! another sushi restaurant in another part of town. Possibilities are endless! and then you can also alter your time..if you are truly a creature of habit.

but I believe in the karma train. I believe you will find it finds YOU! I was NOT looking when I found myself suddenly in contact with bf. I was happy being me. Just lil ol' me. planning summer vacations and family excursions with ds.

Just embrace THE RANDOMNESS OF LIFE and smile. It's an adventure really isn't it? And just b/c your xw wasn't the forever girl you believed her to be, doesn't mean your adventure has drawn to a close.

I learned how to embrace that stuff...and trust me it's hard when you lose over 1/2 of your net worth and live on about 2/3 less money than you did prior to a divorce. but I am 100 percent happier now. You never know what happy can be until you make THE COMMITTMENT TO BE HAPPY.

What I'd do if I were you:
1)learn to embrace randomness...it's a good thing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
2)make a COMMITTMENT TO YOURSELF TO BE HAPPY...only committment you need now.
3)make the randomness work for you and try the simple itty bitty steps above in your daily routine. make it fun too!
4)smile at people...they'll wonder what you're up to <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
5)and try to look decent when "being random". that is key too. it's just your way of helping the karma train decide to service your part of town!