My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 8. The last two or so years have been very unhappy. We slowly drifted further and further apart.

In January we seperated in the hopes of finding our way back to each other when in truth we pushed each other away even more. We both were at the end of our rope and our marriage was done. My husband started to chat to someone else who provided him stuff that I wasn't. However, after an emotionally charged week, we have realized that we do still have much love between us and we still find each other desirable. We however, have lost trust and friendship on our journey. I now realize how I wasn't providing him with what he needed. I pulled away and didn't meet MANY of his emotional needs. I want the opportunity to change and to show him that I am going to change and provide him what he needs.

He says that the relationship with the OW has not developed into anything serious yet. It currently is only meeting his emotional need of friendship/companionship... but not even fully yet as they haven't seen each other outside of work and have mainly just text msg'ed each other. But there is the potential for more. He is attracted to her, there is a spark and a chemistry there. I do believe he is being fully honest with me. Really, after being seperated for so long he really doesn't have to lie to me.

He has promised to tell her that he is going to work on fixing things, however, they do work together. He and I both agree that him having no contact with this OW would be the ideal situation. In a perfect world, he could transfer or find another job. However, we are fairly young and there is no where for him to transfer, we have three young children to support and him being unemployed or taking a substantial paycut is not really feasible.

He is afraid of letting me show him how I want to change because he doesn't want to get hurt. He also doesn't want to hurt me because he can't just turn off those feelings for the OW. Which I understand.

So where do I go from here? My situation is a bit different and I realize there is no magic wand. I have to have faith that work and effort will help restore my marriage to what it was. Do I just go about proving to him I want to provide all his emotional needs and pray thats enough for him to give me back 110% of his heart? And do I just have faith that by doing this he will one day meet all my emotional needs as well?

It all has to start by taking those first steps.

Get back together, then begin to address each issue as a M couple. Openly, and honestly.

I would think that would set a great foundation for starting over.

Your situation is quite similar to everyone else's here. If they continue working together, it will turn into a physical affair. There is no hope for your marriage unless they have no contact.

When I said my situation was different, I was more just meaning that when this 'friendship' occured we were seperated, when we both the thought there was no hope. I'm not overly shocked or angry about it, more just hurt that I'm on the way to losing my husband for good.

The problem is in the last 4 months we have grown very apart. What loving guestures we did make are gone. Its hard to just jump right back into it. Is a state of akwardness normal? He especially is having difficulty as he was always the one to initiate affection (one of the ways I realized I failed in meeting his emotional needs). He is very afraid to let go because he wants neither of us to get hurt but as I've explained there is no guarantees... never has been in life.

The one thing is we have been talking alot and communicating in a way that a couple months ago I did not feel possible.

He did tell the OW that he was going to try to make things work with me. And she understood. We have been discussing him looking for work elsewhere and he isn't completly opposed to the idea. So there is hope there. He does agree that the ideal situation he wouldn't see her anymore. However, we do have a responsibility to provide for three young children as well.

I never realized how hard this would be. I'm commited to changing myself but i just get afraid that its too late.

InADaze2,

Let me offer you some perspective from an "old timer." My wife had an affair 6 years ago, and I found out about it around September 2000 - so I've been at this a long time! It took a lot of time and work, but today we are fully recovered and our marriage is as strong as ever - so there is hope for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We also had the situation where the OM was a co-worker, and today, believe it or not, they still work in the same office.

It is possible to recover despite this, but it's not as easy of a road as if you were to follow Harley's strict rules on no-contact.

You have grown very apart because neither of you are depositing any "love units" into your "love banks." And at the same time you may be both withdrawing those love units by engaging in "lovebusters," - which have the effect of removing the love units that were already there.

If you do not know what I am talking about with these terms I would suggest you read up on the website about the Basic Concepts that Dr. Harley suggests for all successful marriages. Here's the link:

Basic Concepts

I also would suggest that if you haven't already read up on the following link regarding the steps to recover from an affair to please do so:

Surviving Infidelity

The state of awkwardness you describe is normal. This is because you have drifted so far apart. Right now my suggestion to you would be to do your best to meet his most important emotional needs, which appear from your post to be conversation, affection, recreational companionship, and admiration. Also, be warned that you cannot expect him to reciprocate right away. All you can do is work on your end to meet his needs the best way you can and to avoid any "lovebusters" that will drain away his "love bank." Remember, deposits are good, withdrawals are bad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Over time he will begin to notice that you have changed your marital behaviors and he will see a "consistent" record of you doing your best to be the wife of his dreams. This record of consistency takes time, so try not to be discouraged as you go through this.

You are very new into this, and it is not too late. If you can afford it, the phone counseling that's offered here is very good to help you develop a solid plan and to "coach" you through it.

Unfortunately, it begins with you first. You cannot control right now what your husband does. All you can do is work on yourself. Don't expect any changes from him right away, and you can't "demand" anything from him. You can, however, if it's possible, use the "Policy of Joint Agreement" to negotiate any differences you may have. This will take some practice and some getting used to. At times it may seem like your efforts are for nothing, but you will be amazed at how good the results can be over time - especially when one day he realizes how good he really has it.

Read up on everything you can on the website (not just the forum). Also, consider the phone counseling that they offer if you would like to have a really good "coach" to help you through this process.

My marriage recovered successfully from an affair. We also were able to fall back in love after drifting apart. Yours can to. Don't give up hope!

All the best,

-HD