I have been quietly reading everyones comments and it confuses me more. My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 10 years. 3 months ago I found out he had been having an affair with a woman who he met on myspace for a few months before that. She is married also and lives in another state which is about 4 hours away. They met on February 22nd after talking daily and based off what I have been told it was passion right out of the movies. She gets him and admires him and fills his emotional needs like i never have. She is everything he has ever dreamed of. But the reality of the situation is the he still loves me too. They were still talking up until three weeks ago and I have been going through ******. Now I sit here with 2 little girls day after day wondering if it will work out. He says he is not going anywhere and now is going through the withdrawl process. Songs trigger him to go downwards and they do the same for me. Things on TV, something I might say or do. He closes off and gets depressed. We have good days and bad days. I am trying so hard to be supportive and get through this even with all of the pent up anger and sadness that I go through daily. No one knows about this on my side of the family and I am so alone. I love that man and I am trying to be forgiving and be there but man will he ever be there for me. He did this. I take responsibility for my actions prior to the affair but will he ever take responsibility and actually make a commitment to me and our children. Will he ever open up to me? He says there are so many what if's. Passion in a marriage has its ups and downs and this woman has no children and little to no responsibilities. Of course she could give him the admiration and the support. Of course she could need him and want him since her husband worked 60+ hours a week. Please someone tell me how I am going to get through this?

Hi 7142,

I just want to offer my support for you during this. I am not at a point myself where I can offer suggestions, but there will be many people here that can and will.

Hang in there.

Thank you for your comments. Any support is greatly appreciated and the same will go for you.

7142, the most important thing you can do for yourself and your relationship at this moment is to order a copy of Surviving An Affair by Dr. Willard Harley. It's availabe from the MB bookstore. Get it as soon as you can and STUDY it from cover to cover. Every question you have asked is answered in SAA.

Hang in there, lady. MB folks have gone through the same things you are right now and have come out the other side whole and sane. Those folks will be your support group to help you through the tough times, okay?

Thank you!

I have read a lot of your postings. I got the book last thursday in the mail and will reserve some more time tonight to read it.

My WH constantly wants to know how I am doing and I am constantly asking him. Am I suppose to be honest or will that just make it worse. I am so sick of the word sorry! I want to say, then do something about it!

Why not tell him the truth? Your husband used lies and deception to conduct his adultery. It serves no purpose to let any more lies (whether they are sins of commission or omission) to intruded into your marriage. But, tell the truth in a way that won’t hurt more than it helps.

How about this? If this is the way you feel, tell him you're not in a good place right now, but you really, really, really want to work with him to make your marriage better? Tell him you see that in him too and it gives you so much hope you two can make your marriage far stronger than it was before. In SAA, Dr. Harley recommends a couple practice radical honesty in all their interactions. It’s never too early to start.

7142, don’t be worried about the word “sorry.” I’ve looked. There is no other word in the dictionary that expresses deep regret and remorse in just five letters. Try to see the meaning behind the word instead of focusing on the word itself, okay?

READ that book, 7142. Make it a priority. When you've finished SAA, read His Needs Her Needs, also by Dr. Harley. Suggest, but don't insist, your husband also read the books. If you both are coming "from the same page," as it were, recovery will be much faster. The effect will be reversed into something ugly if he's coerced into reading those books though. If he won't read them, ask folks out here for some ideas on how to coax him into reading them without appearing to do so.


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That’s nonsense. “Passion right out of the movies” exists ONLY in the movies…and for good reasons. It’s fantasy, pure and simple. It’s part of the Fantasyland WH and OW built up on line, and in the short time they had with each other together. Every wayward spouse can, and usually has, told their betrayed spouse the same (or similar) words. I’m surprised you didn’t hear the words “soul mate,” or something like that. The wayward ones MUST believe such things because they are the only basis they have for doing such cruel, unthinking, and selfish things to their loved ones.

Don't misunderstand this. Right now, your husband believes it was exactly the way he's described it. However, it's fog and fantasy. The further he gets into withdrawal, the less he will understand how he could ever have thought such things. That will come, 7142, but it's a long process. Just keep this at the back of your mind while you deal with everything else, okay?

Can you tell us a little more about the circumstances you face? To illustrate, we understand how on-line adulteries begin and flourish into physical contact so details aren’t important if this is the first time your WH has gotten himself in these difficulties. On the other hand, if he’s indulged himself with any kind of a timeout from the marriage before, that IS very important.

We don’t know how the adultery ended and when though. Can you give us a brief timeline for the adultery, discovery on your part, confrontation, resistance from him, etc? Has he written a no contact (NC) letter to her and let you mail it to her? How are you ensuring there is no further contact? (It sounds like there isn’t contact, but as President Reagan said, “Trust, but verify.”)

You can open up here on MB. First, we’ve all gone through the same basic tragedy you are. It’s only the details that differ significantly. Also, you have complete anonymity out here. Use it. When in doubt, tell us more than you think we need to hear rather than less.

Stay strong, lady. We’re here for you.

My husband as far as I know never has wandered before. He had heard about the website from some friends. It sounded like a cool place. He had all kinds of friends on there and this one in paticular took a liking to him saying he looked like a country singer. They began talking back and forth on line initially and found that they have a lot in comon including both being incredibly selfish people. This all started back in November 05 to December. They apparently started out talking about the relationships with their spouses and how they were unhappy. My husband started feeling disconnected from me apparently years ago after our second daughter was born. These conversations escalated into phone calls and they began to talk a lot. By February they had decided they needed to meet since they had such a connection. He met her on Feb 22 and told me that following Sunday which was forced since I had initiated some play and he could not go through with it after what he had done. There has been no letter to her. I have no evidence that they have not talked except for his body language and actions. He does not hide them well and when he has talked to her in the past I can tell. According to him, he told her that they both needed to try and make this work with their spouses and give it 100%. That they could no longer talk. This was three weeks ago.

He has read the portions of the website about the withdrawl process and what happens. He stated that this was the only thing he has read in a while that makes sense. But will he stick with not talking to her? I do not know. She called him at work on his direct line and he called her at work on her direct line. That way there was no tracing back.

It just continues. We were up last night until about midnight. We came back from Kentucky and I tried to be very careful while we were there to keep my distance and let my WS visit with his family. Yesterday was especially tough for him because he would like to talk to her more now than ever. It was a hard weekend for him there and it got worse after we got back. I am trying so hard to be supportive. We talked about her last night and he is still unsure if he will stick it through this or not. I feel like crap day in and day out and I am trying so hard to be strong. He is affraid that if he leaves then he will be going through withdrawl from the both of us or be with the other person and than go through the similar withdrawl with me. He understands that it is one or the other but there are so many what if's. He misses her. He wants to talk to her. I read half way throught the book last night. It all makes a lot of sense. My WS is a little more considerate than some of these stories in there but then I think about it some more and he really is not. How can someone hold you and be intimate with you and feel like this at the same time?

71, all you can do for right now is to be supportive, as you’re already doing. The withdrawal will last for a while, then will begin to fade. It's not an easy process for anyone concerned. I believe I see evidence of enormous guilt in your husband at what he's done. That's good. It's a sign the alien is releasing its victim and your husband is returning. Human beings are marked by innate senses of integrity and honesty. Aliens have neither. That your husband feels bad about what he's done is a sign he's slowly triumphing over the alien.

Stay in your Plan A. Make your home a safe, warm refuge for him while he comes out of his addiction. It's hard, but don't TRY to understand what he's done or why he's done it. He probably can't tell you why right now anyway. That will come later.

Can you make your husband too busy to think about the OW? Get him to doing things with you. I don't know if you have any children at home, but surround him with them if you do. How about going to movies with him? Those are too noisy to talk in…no pressure to think about the relationship or anything else. Keep him, and you, too busy to think about this for a time and I think things will begin to even out.

Thanks for the input. Last night we did the Emotional questionnaire and we sat there for two hours going through each page discussing them. What was remarkable is our needs are pretty much the same. Which really suprised me and made me sad at the same time because we did not do anything about it which led to all of this. I bought the workbook and hope that we will work on that together bit by bit. I remain hopeful and cautious at the same time. We have two girls and yes they are a big distraction since both of them are very chatty and go non stop. They were the main reason my ws remained in our home and is trying to work this all out. He is an excellent father. He has broken that family chain on his side. Hopefully he and I can break the family chain in regards to divorce on his side too! I will take you advice to heart!

It depends on what got him there to that point. If the affair became like an addiction, then he was trapped by his emotions. He probably had this mixed set of feelings where he loved you, but somewhere he felt something missing in his life. And whatever was missing he was trying to fill it with the affair and it became addictive enough to him to meet that emotion he was trying to fill. It's not saying he has a sexual addiction, but affairs themselves can be addictive. There is a high that comes with them for a short lived while. And an excitement just like when most people first start dating. So for a while he will miss her, he will go through withdrawals, he will feel a need to talk to her, just like an addict feels the need for their drug. But eventually it will pass if he can maintain no contact. And that is why it requires your support as hard as that might be.

Sounds like you have a handle on things. If the two of you commit to going through the WB while you practice the 4 Rules Dr. Harley speaks of in SAA, you two have a better chance than most folks of getting this marriage back where it should be. Keep studying SAA and keep posting here, okay?