The last three years have been ****** for me.

I have finally found the source of my happiness. It is inside of me. For the last three years I could not dig deep enough to find it. I finally have. It was in there this whole time I just chose to push it further and further down making it harder and harder to get too.

During this last three years I have been thinking why me, how could she do this to me. Now I realize this type of thinking is irrelevant at this point. It was me and she did it to me. Not to say I don't care but this does not define me as a person. I am a good person and I deserve to be happy.

I am a BS and she is a FWW. I don't want to be a BS and I don't want her to be a FWW anymore. I want to be a H and I want her to be a W. No B no FW. But that will never be the case. I have a scar now but I chose to look at that scar like the rest of the scars I have. They make me who I am, they are part of my past experience. I will never dive into a rock again but I have a scar that reminds me that I did. This scar also makes me stronger and more beutiful then I was before.

I have a lot to be happy about. I woke up this morning!!!! Some people didn't what a good start to the day. My children are healthy. There is so much to be happy about today.

I know there will be bad days ahead but I know that there could be worse in this world.

I have a new perspective. The only effect people have on me is the effect I let them have. I will not let my FWW bring me down. I control myself and my emotions and most of all I control my happiness.

Before I met my FWW I was a happy person, before my FWW had an A I was a happy person. She was not the only thing that made me happy. I am no longer expecting her to be the only thing that makes me happy today. That is an incredible burden on her. If I could be happy without her or before her A then it is not her job to make me happy today. It is my job and I plan on doing it well.

I thank everyone here for setting me straight and helping me get to this realization.

HurtingLess (like the new handle) I am so happy to see this post. Happy for you. Though our situations are different I've been traveling a similar road. Separating myself from WW. Feels good doesn't it? Like you've been set free?!

All the best.

Good for you! I like the new name too! :-)

MDC and normal

Thanks. I posted this and it made me feel better didn't even check back until today when I saw normal.

Guess the lesson here is the truth will set you free.

MDC I am sorry you have to go down the road of D. Sometimes I guess that is the only answer. If in the end you are a happier stronger person thats all you can ask for.

Normal- haven't seen you around for a while I hope things are going well for you!!!

Hurting - when I say separating I don't mean literally. I mean being dependant on her for my happiness. Getting upset when she's upset. Wondering what she's thinking about X. Getting pi$$ed off because she doesn't see things my way. That's what I mean.

Separate and equal. Not enmeshed. As LA would say. Same stuff you and NG are going thru. All 3 of us seem to be coming to the same realizations.

Hey NG! Read your thread. Glad to see things are going well!!!

Oh ok read it wrong.

I agree absolutely. No longer enmeshed either.

Thanks MDC. I think once you come to that "realization" or whatever it is you become less "needy". I'm hoping the best for you. You are doing a great job in a very difficult situation. Keep it up!

Progress looks good on you HL!

BTW,

Progress: 16+18+15+7+18+5+19+19=117%

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks.

I feel better. Things are great!

Hurting, it makes me so hopeful to read such a positive post from someone who has been through so much. You must feel very proud of this accomplishment, congratulations.

You mention that you felt this happiness was always in you but you had placed it out of reach for a period of time. How did you finally reach deep enough to grasp it and maintain the contact with it?

I have been trying to pursue that elusive feeling but so far, no success. I can be happy when I'm with the kids or in certain situations with others but not that overall contentment with life type of happiness.

I want to stay in this marriage but it's difficult to envision a life that continues incessantly in this vein.

I'm very happy you have found your way out..could you possibly share more?

apl

"How did you finally reach deep enough to grasp it and maintain the contact with it?"

I chose to and continue to chose to.

Part of it to be honest is coming to the realization that I really do not "NEED" my FWW. I know it sounds bad but I don't. I did fine before her. I now realize that I may want to be with her but I do not need to be with her. I don't know if it would be the same for her, but that is irrelevant to my thinking.

I have also realized that I have an awful lot going for me. I am an attractive man. Funny I lost 50lbs right before my FWW's A. I haven't even celebrated that fact. For a minute I was happy about it then my world came crashing down. So now I am actually celebrating that accomplishment. Crap I should feel good about it.

I am proud of myself because over the last 7 years I made it possible for my kids to have a stay at home mom. Not the greatest mom because of the alcoholism but I did my part, right.

I am a great father. I don't just play with my kids but everyones if we are out. My dad was never like that.

Anyway I can go on an on about how great I am but that is why I am happy. I now know how great I am. I now know how lucky my FWW is to have me. I now know that there is nobody that in the "long run" that would treat my FWW better than I do. So what do I have to be sad about? My FWW's decesion to desicrate our marriage and her body. I am chosing to put that burden back on to her.

For today I am me. I am great. I am one in a million.

If one day this marriage ends I know I did not destroy something that was priceless. I know she will never find anyone better then me! I however might find someone that sees how great I really am. Not better then her just someone that can see what they really have.

I think I am like the antiques roadshow. I may be old, dirty and miscolered but at auction I would be worth a million dollars because of those things.

"however might find someone that sees how great I really am. Not better then her just someone that can see what they really have".


I think that everyone here sees that. You have brought smiles to many people faces with your sense of humor and ability to withstand the pain for so long.

I am so proud for you. I too wish i could reach to your level. Some how I feel when I focus just on my happiness and not counting on how H feels makes me feel distant.

Can you explain how you feel about your FWS? Are you still connected?

What is your secret?

"Some how I feel when I focus just on my happiness and not counting on how H feels makes me feel distant."

It is actually the opposite. When I am happier she seems to want to be around me more. Go Figure. Ever hear the saying "Smile it makes people wonder what you are up to."
I think now that I am smiling she doesn't feel the guilt of causing my pain. I don't know.

"Can you explain how you feel about your FWS? Are you still connected?"

I don't feel all that great about my spouse as a person. I really don't know that this is going to last.(our marriage). Her A has shone a spotlight on her own behavior, her flaws etc and they don't look all that appealing in the spotlight. I would have never thought of them in the past except for the fact she pointed her fingers at me for the reasons for her A. I had to stop and evaluate her part as well in the downward slide in our M. She was not without fault in our M.

My Secret at this point is I want to be a happy person. I am happy because I know my life is going to be better at some point. I might as well make some point today.

I know it sounds stupid and contrite but thats all it is.

I know most FWS say get over it. I am not getting over what she did, I am getting over feeling like a piece of crap. If I have to do it on my own so be it.

Hurtingless, you have made my day! Thank you so much for sharing that fabulous approach to live after A.

I take great inspiration for your posts and I feel lighter already. You have made me smile for the first time in quite a while.

There is no one who will treat him better than I have, no one who will give him what I have. I am a good person, I am a good mom. I gave up my career to be a SAHM so he could continue his passion, his sport. I enjoy my job and I am very successful at it.

Thank you for refocusing me on things that really matter!

thanks hurtingless. what are your next steps? Is your love bank empty ?

My next steps are simple.

I am going to continue to give myself affirmation that I am a good person.

Is my love bank empty. Heck no last time I checked there are ton's of IOU's in there. LOL

Have you seen the citibank commercial. The little girl is cracking open her piggy bank in front of her friends. Instead of money she has a bunch of IOU's from her mom. Mom walks in and is embarrassed. When I see that commercial I laugh my butt off.

I am committed to being happy in my life. My FWW has some time to try to win back what she once had. I now have certain criteria for what I want my M to be. If she does not want to meet the criteria then it is her loss not mine. I have told her what I want and that is enough. I am not going to continue to tell her time and time again. She hasn't had to tell me time and time again. If I have to keep telling her then I get mad. She knows what I want and it's not a lot so time will tell.

I know one thing there is no one, I mean no one that would be a better husband to her. So who's loss is it really?

Heck my wife calls me every day a few times a day to talk. How many men would do that for 11 years? Good luck on that one honey. LOL