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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234
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Posts: 234 |
see last post I edited it wrong
Blind
Last edited by blindsided06; 07/31/06 07:35 PM.
BS (me) 36
WS 36
no kids
together 17 yrs
not married
D day 4/1/06
He was out of the house 5/10-6/5
NC as of 7/2/06
my story
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I can try; what is on your mind?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234
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Posts: 234 |
I wrote a new post today and I am still learning my way around this site. Sundog replied but I haven't heard back again. In a nut shell my 17 year relationship is in real trouble. He has been away for 3 weeks and was supposed to come home today. He announced 2 months ago that he didn't know if he loved me anymore and after that I found out there was someone else. I am having a really hard time "giving up " on the last 17 years we have been together.
No kids but we own a house together. How can I get him to open up to me and try to repair what we had?
How can someone "fall in love" in a week and walk away from such a long relationship??
I'll take any advice at this point. I'm just not ready to accept that It's over.
BS (me) 36
WS 36
no kids
together 17 yrs
not married
D day 4/1/06
He was out of the house 5/10-6/5
NC as of 7/2/06
my story
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 428
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Posts: 428 |
Mel, She's got two small threads started: first: here second (latest): here Blindsided, on a side note, try just keeping your posts to one thread. It makes it easier for us to catch up. If you need to get attention to your thread, just post something new and it will go to the top of the list. You can also edit the very first post's title and it will change the title of your whole thread (like when you were trying to get Mel's attention).
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234
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Posts: 234 |
I told you guys I was new to this!!! ha ha ha . How do I stay on one thread? UGH!
BS (me) 36
WS 36
no kids
together 17 yrs
not married
D day 4/1/06
He was out of the house 5/10-6/5
NC as of 7/2/06
my story
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
blindsided, the only advice I can think to offer is to get the book Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. I don't know think there is anything I can tell you that would help bring him back home and cause him to open up. Sorry you are here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 428
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Blindsided, you are doing it by keeping all your posts in the same group (thread). This is one thread here, us talking to you, just keep replying here.
This is an extremely difficult situation for us to advise you. Because you are not in a marriage, and without children, there is not much holding him to your side morally speaking. Even if his friends and family were exposed to, it's just another breakup (in their eyes). No marriage vows broken, no family being torn apart (I know you don't feel that way, but that's how others will see it).
Nonetheless, I'd imagine the goal would still be the same as if it were a marriage, to end the affair. Read the books Melody recommends and read this site's articles on affairs.
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234
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Posts: 234 |
I have read surviving an affair and love busters.
I guess I am having a hard time undrestanding the entire thing.
I just want to be able to shake him and have him realize what he is walking away from. That relationships can survive bad things and be even better than before if you just give them a chance.
Now how do I do that?
BS (me) 36
WS 36
no kids
together 17 yrs
not married
D day 4/1/06
He was out of the house 5/10-6/5
NC as of 7/2/06
my story
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
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Posts: 27,069 |
You do it just like the folks here that are married. Start with Plan A - showing him what a great partner you can be. Also think back, and eliminate any behaviors that you have that he found annoying.
Plan A also includes exposure of the affair.
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234
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Posts: 234 |
I did start plan a 4-22-06. It felt great. We did things together. We took a vacation together.
I knew he was still talkting to her on the cell phone for hours every day.
I kept my cool until the OW text messaged him that she missed him. So ofcourse I blew up.
Then he got a new cell phone account so that blew my only chance of keeping track of their contact. But it did feel good to bust him.
Now he has been gone 3 weeks and now will be gone one more.
Then we will be under the same roof again.
I know I can do plan A. I won't know if they still have contact.
His plan as far as I know right now is to come back fix up the house and sell it.
How can I use that time that he is "forced" to be hear to my best advantage?
Thanks for replying!!
BS (me) 36
WS 36
no kids
together 17 yrs
not married
D day 4/1/06
He was out of the house 5/10-6/5
NC as of 7/2/06
my story
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 428
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 428 |
He'll be lured to her as long as he's in contact with her. Does she know he has a girlfriend he lives with (you)? Perhaps you could inform her, it's doubtful that she knows about you and how serious you two are (were).
You should have her number from his old phone or the old cell records.
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234
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Posts: 234 |
I do have her number. I have called her twice and left detailed messages each time. Of course she never returned either call.
So I know she knows about me, how long we have been together etc. I am just not dealing well with the fact that there isn't anymore I can do to change what is happening.
BS (me) 36
WS 36
no kids
together 17 yrs
not married
D day 4/1/06
He was out of the house 5/10-6/5
NC as of 7/2/06
my story
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234 |
He will be gone for another week and I am having trouble dealing with his lack of contact with me. We spoke yesterday when he told me he wanted to sell the house and be with the OW. How can I prepare myself for when he does come back to show him how much I love him and want to try to work things out?
Need advice going crazy here!!
BS (me) 36
WS 36
no kids
together 17 yrs
not married
D day 4/1/06
He was out of the house 5/10-6/5
NC as of 7/2/06
my story
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234 |
Hey Melodylane.
I saw you were on line again. what do you think would be the best next step to take.
He will be back on Monday and I want to show him how good things can be. I just need help getting started!!!
BS (me) 36
WS 36
no kids
together 17 yrs
not married
D day 4/1/06
He was out of the house 5/10-6/5
NC as of 7/2/06
my story
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234 |
You gave me some hope last night. I am looking for maore encouragement. Do you have any??
Last edited by blindsided06; 05/31/06 11:46 AM.
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 750
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Posts: 750 |
Try to get away from the idea that you need him. I know that is tough to do. Start a line of thought that says you can be happy without him, that he isn't necessary for your happiness. That doesn't mean you should give up hope, it just takes away the notion that you are nothing without him, because that isn't true.
Maybe you will be together again in a much improved marriage, but mentally prepare yourself for the possibility that you will not. The strength generated by this line of thinking actually makes you more attractive.
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234
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Posts: 234 |
I'm trying to do that with out pushing him closer to the OW.
I know eventually I will find happiness without him but I want to give this relationship my best shot so if we do part I can know that I tried my best.
So what you are saying is that I have to seem at least to him that I don't need him or this relationship to be happy? How will that draw him back in???
BS (me) 36
WS 36
no kids
together 17 yrs
not married
D day 4/1/06
He was out of the house 5/10-6/5
NC as of 7/2/06
my story
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234 |
I am looking to start Plan A with a vengence in 5 days. any advice out there from someone who was either a WS or BS?
Right now he wants nothing to do with me, our home, our 4 dogs or anything in his life before his affair.
BS (me) 36
WS 36
no kids
together 17 yrs
not married
D day 4/1/06
He was out of the house 5/10-6/5
NC as of 7/2/06
my story
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 428
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 428 |
Right now he wants nothing to do with me, our home, our 4 dogs or anything in his life before his affair. This is textbook affair behaviour. Happens all the time. You need to work on yourself, find confidence and enough detatchment so that you wont be devastated by his destructive actions. Look for support from friends and family. Odds are that he is going to leave you and live with her, at least for a short while. After he's left you he WILL realize what he's lost and will miss you. These emotions may or may not lead him back to you, there is no guarantee. The best you can do for now is try to be the attractive and fun person he fell in love with. Do it for yourself though, not just for him.
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 234
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Posts: 234 |
He just called me??!!! UGH
I hate being nice. This is the first conversation we have had in almost 2 weeks. He is comming back on Monday and he said his first priority was to paint our house so we can get it on the market. I was cheerful and positive and didn't even flip out when he told me he bought another surf board. ( I would have gone nuts before) So I guess Plan A has already started. I am still hoping that it takes at least a few months to sell the house and knowing him it will take longer than that to do the work that is needed.
maybe by then he will see a little bit of the girl he used to be in love with.
BS (me) 36
WS 36
no kids
together 17 yrs
not married
D day 4/1/06
He was out of the house 5/10-6/5
NC as of 7/2/06
my story
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