I am looking for ways to use Plan A as we prepare our house to be sold. I am hoping to pull off some kind of magic that when we make our home a better place he will want to stay in it. Any ideas out there?

He has been away for 3 weeks and will return on Monday. I know he still has contact with the OW. I have exposed to anyone I can. I have called the OW twice but that made no difference. Do I call again and state my plan to break them up or do I stay quiet and just implement Paln A.
Looking for some help here!!

By all means do NOT do this...#1 It gives her too much power and #2 It will shoot your Plan A right in the foot-pretty much start a p*ssing contest between you and the OW-it would make her appear the poor wounded victim to him-and she AIN'T the victim here...Remember, Plan A is about attracting the WS back to the relationship...it's about making YOU the best mate that YOU can be...while at the same time busting up the affair...Don't discount the exposure just yet...you've shined reality on the affair by doing this...WSes are a lot like cockroaches, and what do cockroaches do when you turn on the lights? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

So is my secret plan to use the preparing of the house to sell as my Plan A just ridiculous? Am I in a dream world that I can actually turn this around? My sister thinks I am nuts for even trying to save whats left. I do not want this affair to ruin what we have built together. Especially after I read so many stories that have the word recovery in them.

Is it possible to do Plan A while I know there will still be contact between them?

where is all of the great advice tonight?
Am I being to needy??
I know that is one of my LB'S.

I just would love to hear from someone who made this plan work when they started with a spouse still involved with the affair.

Let me add that the spouse is still so in the fog that they see splitting up as the only solution.

I can do a 180 but will he?

Plan A is exactly what you need when your spouse will not stop the affair.

But you need to calm yourself. It sounds like you are in a panic mode and there is no reason to panic. You are only in control of yourself, not him. You can only try to make the home a place where he will want to be when the aliens who abducted his brain return it.

Right now, that is pretty much all you can do besides exposing the affair to friends and family. And yes, this seems to be in conflict with the idea of making the home a welcome place free of love busters, but it is necessary to force him to see his actions through the eyes of others.

Thanks Hiker.
I am definately in panic mode. I have another counseling apt this afternoon and I will ask about AD. I am so afriad of losing him to this affair that I am going crazy.
If we do sell our home I will have to relocate to another part of the state because of housing costs. So it means giving up my home , my job and my relationship and it is alot to take in all at one time.

I guess I just need to believe that when he does get home it will be as hard for him too although I know that isn't likely.

I know this all sounds desperate but at least I can get those feeling out here and not towards him.

Thanks for your support.

blindsided...

do you NOT understand that plan A is ALL ABOUT THERE BEING CONTACT WITH OP

I guess I just don't understand how people question that when that is the EXACT basis of plan A....

plan A is ALL About breaking up contact between the WS and OP....

what are the things you don't get about plan a....

ARK^^

I guess I don't really understand Plan A. but I am trying to.

Since I confronted him about the affair he has been out of the house "visiting family" and I am sure the OW since his family is up north and she is in Conn.

I haven't really been able to do an effective plan A because he isn't here and has called only a few times.

He will be home Monday and I guess I am just filled with too much anxiety.

Can you explain more about Plan A.
I have read the book for a month but I guess it isn't sinking in. Iam a little brain dead right now.

Blindsided

Now this is going to seem simplistic, but just think about making everything go as normal as possible in your home. Appear happy and at ease; don't let on that you are depressed or worried. Make yourself attractive in subtle ways. Don't argue about anything. Even if he comes back and says he wants to leave you permanently, just say you understand and leave it at that. Don't beg or try to talk him out of it; it won't work anyway.

Make the house a comfortable place for him to be. Let's say he doesn't want to make love to you anymore. Fine, that's okay. Don't be resentful, be understanding. Act understanding about everything. Continue exposing the affair with anyone who may influence him to stop the affair.

That's a start.

Blindie - see my reply to you on Hiker's thread.

Here is my take on plan A. To me, it is all about fighting the natural instincts that a BS has. My husband is screwing around, of course I want to throw dishes at him. After I have emptied the china cabinet upside his head, then he says "This is why I am leaving you, you are nuts!"

See, natural instincts won't work here.

Understand that you have to woo this alien that has tried to rip your heart out. Plan A is more of a test of the BSs love than the WSs sense of reasoning-they have none. You have to make home, family and marriage and appealing place to be. You have to be a person that makes WS feel good about themselves, that is what the OW is doing. You need to decrease his need for the OW. If your WH associates you with anger, lots of relationship talk, guilt and all that nasty reality, they will see no reason to consider the marriage.

So you must put on your happy face, and be someone who gives the WH warm fuzzies.

The delicate balance is also with exposing the negatives of the affair. No candy coating, no trying to face face, just letting everyone know exactly what is going on, that your WH is messing around and you need help to save your family.

Your WH needs to look at the two options like this:
Wife -she has shown she can forgive me, she knows me and still loves me, we can live happily ever after.
Mistress - this is an affair that has no basis of honor or decency. My mistress will never be accepted into my family. I will be broke, with no family, only a woman beside me who is an adulteress.

BUT-do not directly attack the mistress, verbally or otherwise. If you insult the OW, then WH has to defend her and that sets up this damsel in distress VS the mean old wifey poo.

Jean36,

I agree with all of that.
I have reason to believe that he introduced the OW to his sister this past weekend.
So the alien honestly thinks at least I think he thinks she can becaome a larger part of his life and his families.

Does that make the affair more real than I care to admit?

So what is your relationship with your SIL?

well we have always been friends. taken vacations together
my WH and her husband at the time.
The last time I called her she seemed different. Like all of a sudden she didn't want to be invloved.
I called her on Monday to see how her holiday weekend was and she didn't call back.

I am taking it as a sign.

Blindsided

You asked for my comments on another thread and after discussing your sitch with my wife I came up with a little bit of help.

Your situation is somewhat unique here as you two are not married and have no children (from what I understand...sorry if I am mistaken). This fact means you two lack the enmeshment of a marital relationship and therefore lack some of the necessary commitment and entanglement to really drive a full Plan A/Plan B to it's intended outcome. I know you "feel" married and in many states it would be considered a common law marriage but you aren't. I can't change that. I do wonder why you weren't. What was the payoff for you? By not making such formal commitment before God you both necessarily have the right to walk away scott free as he is apparently doing or is starting to do now. Anyway, I'm not judging your life just inquiring.

As far as winning him back. I am posting a link to a thread about Dobson's Book titled "Love Must Be Tough". I think his strategies will work better for you than the MB plan. Just my guess. Read it and see. I just feel that "releasing" him and stating you are secure and confidant in yourself will do more for you attracting him back than taking an approach wherein he is obligated to come back based on verbal commitments he has made in the past. Just my opinion, it's your life and I'm sure you'll figure out what you feel is your best approach. You can certainly "Plan A" and do the "release" thing as well.

To summarize, I just think in the non-married world, your number one requirment should be "I want to be with someone that wants to be with me...If you don't that's OK, thanks for letting me know so I can go on with my life and find someone else that does choose to be with me". You chose to not be married and he is not obligated to stay with you. It is not a character flaw if he moves on. He may be "Foggy" and making a huge mistake but only he can make that determination. He'll be more likely to reconsider if he perceives your value and fears losing it forever.

Anyway...here's the Dobson link:

[color:"blue"] Love Must Be Tough Thread Link [/color]

Good Luck, Mr. Wondering

Thanks Mr W.
Your thoughts were helpful. Yes we or at least I have always felt married even though we aren't. I can't say why we never made it legal but I guess this situation maybe why on his part.
We do own our home together and we don't have children but we have 4 dogs that belong to both of us. We each refer to them as our kids.
I didn't like what you said about him being free to move on but I know I needed to hear it. So thanks for saying it.

I have found that alot of the advice on these threads are sometimes more positive than realistic and I thank you for your honesty. I will check out the link you mentioned above and will try to do what is best for me and the both of us.

Congratulations to you and Mrs. W on your recovery.

Blindsided

so I am now to believe that since we have been together for almost 18 years but are not legally married that all of this information doesn't apply???
That I have no leg to stand on or nothing to fight for?

What makes a piece of paper justify that a relationship is more valid than another that has no paper.

Sorry about ranting but that just pisses me off.

I love my "boyfriend" or what ever anyone choses to call him.

And I will fight for what I love no matter what.
UGH!!
Blind

My thought is that the principal difference between being married and living together with regard to affairs is that it is much easier, legally speaking, to walk out on each other.

That doesn't mean the love isn't just as great or the pain any less intense when an affair occurs.

thanks Hiker.
I was thinking for a moment that I was just being dismissed by some of the longtimers here because I didn't have a "legal Marriage".

I know our love was true at one time and I have to hold on to that.
Blind

"We" aren't dismissing you. Remember, none of us have first hand experience "saving" a relationship of your nature. I concur with hiker45. I merely indicated that the strategies and principles MAY not work as well considering how easily your Significant Other/Common Law Husband can just ignore you and walk away.

IMO, Plan A and then Plan B involves a process whereby the betrayed slowly but surely regains confidence in themselves, improves themselves and works on themselves until they save their marriage or, God forbid, the marriage ends. When that day occurs they will be prepared and ready for it if they apply MB principles throughout. Considering that a "marriage" takes time to be dissolved a Betrayed "legal" spouse has the necessary time to get to such frame of mind. You lack that time...that's all. Without time, you really really NEED to get to a confident, friendly, resolute, content, happy place NOW in order to afford yourself the best opportunity to save your marriage/relationship.

Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" strategy is my recommendation.
MB principles may work as well. They can be applied simultaneously. I just hope your SO gives you time to get to the proper state of mind. You'll end up there eventually anyway...just TRY to take a more direct approach.

I'm sorry.

Mr. Wondering <-------not a marriage snob...lol

p.s. - read MywifeIlove's thread all the way through. You may have to do a similiar "separate" friendly plan A if your SO will let you. You may need to regroup just as he did once his spouse left and re-establish a friendship first then a rekindling of your complete relationship.

p.p.s. - almost every successful Plan A & Plan B involves a "giving up" moment. When you "give up" you are empowered to just go with the flow...to attempt to only change what you can change and accept that which you can not. I surmise you will need to get there more quickly (as pointed out above) lest you ruin your chances by "trying" to hard. Only HE controls himself and only HE will make the right decision to come back to you. You have little control over such decision but you can and will make it worse if you refuse to allow him to even consider the choices he is making. You want and need to be on the inside, as his friend and confidant, whilst he ponders what HE wants to do. Make his choices more difficult NOT easier by being the best person you can be FOR YOU. You have not a moment to lose...process this all QUICKLY.