Mr. W...

I said some of the same things to blindsided on another thread-but dang it, not nearly as well as you-honey, you are GOOD...I also told her that we discussed her last night...SEE BLINDSIDED, I WASN'T KIDDING...We honestly do care...

Mrs. W<------thinks Mr. W is "THE BOMB" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

P.S. Dubya, I discussed you on Pep's anger thread...you should read it... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

THANK YOU!! Mr & Mrs W.
and thank goodness for this site.

after IC I am now the proud owner of a prescription for AD's.
Not that I mind the weight loss but after only 1 month my shorts are falling down.
The docs at therapy said dump his a**. I am going to use the 4 day until he gets home to find my happy place. Re Read, SAA, LB and his needs her needs. And start moving forward which ever direction that may be.
again many, many thanks
blind

Yeah...the "Infidelity Diet". If I could bottle it I'd make a fortune.

Mr. W

p.s.- When reading other threads you MAY notice there is a certain crisis point that the betrayed spouse gets to where this stuff just all clicks. I hope you can arrive there shortly. I'll leave the light on for ya'

you will be the first to know when I see that light!
Blind

blindsided...

I pray that the AD's will help take a bit of the edge off for you...I NEVER wish to do the Infidelity Diet, however, I have often wanted to go on Survivor...Not for the money, just for the SKINNY!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mr. W...

I can't believe that you left "rubber room" for location under your name...ROTFLMAO...AND I noticed that you also left the "hobbies" that I listed for you too...How do you put up with me? Maybe it's the rubber room...hmmm...hehehe

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I am hoping since my WS is SUCH a procrastinator that the fixing up of the house and packing will take months. And I am also hoping to get through hurricaine season with out having to deal with a storm on top of everything else going on. As strong as I can become I can't ride out one of those alone.
( I am in south Florida)

So that should give the AD's time to kick in and time for Plan A to be in full effect and maybe just talking to her on the phone but my new cheerful self right there in front of him will help him see the light.
Blind

has anyone dealth with a WS who is also an alcoholic?

I know I should hve brought this up before but it is hard peeling away the layers.

I haven't been honest with myself so it is a little hard to put it all out there.

blind

I have dealt with a FWW that is an alcoholic. What do you need to know?

I have a feeling that my not being able to deal with his drinking and drug use "pushed him over the edge". I know that doesn't excuse the affair but don't I need to deal with the real problem which is the alcohol addition first?

And then the real question is if his addition to alcohol is really just the tip of the iceberg. ( I also just found his email password and uncoverd tons or porn sites) Maybe him walking away from our relationship is not a tradgey but a blessing??
Any thoughts?

I was away for a while. I finally got some sleep.

thanks,
Blind

Ok my advice to you is this.

Stop worrying about anything regarding your relationship until he gets committed to sobriety.

Any addiction needs to be dealt with first.

An addict loves whatever they are addicted to more then anything else in the world. They cannot deal with reality as we know it.

There can be no recovery for your M until there is recovery from the addiction.

My FWW has only been sober for 6 months now. So for almost 2 and a half years we made no progress in our recovery. Now that she is sober things are getting better.

I would say this. If I had no kids, I would be gone. Tough enough dealing with the A then the addiction and all of the baggage that carries.

So ask yourself are you willing to put everything on hold until he sobers up? You will go nowhere until then.

thanks for the reply.
My head has given up but my heart hasn't.

I have only been dealing with this for 2 months. the first month he felt guilty so he was wonderful to me. we even went on a vacation.
The second month he has been gone.

I know now that he will never give up his alcohol and pot and I am better off with out him.

I am new to this site. Is there a better section to deal with the actual breaking up part?

I think I am past the Plan a ans trying to survive the affair.
I just need help getting my a** in gear and making the choices I know I have to.
thanks,
Blind

So I am lying in our bed last night and every time I tried to close my eyes all I could imagine is him in bed with her.

So why do I still love him and hope that I wake up from this nightmare.
I should hate him shouldn't I?????????????????

why do I want this to work if he says he doesn't love me anymore?

I know I am just rambling here but I do not want to call him and when I am on this site at least I can't do that.

I want the fog to clear and him to call and say Baby I'm sorry. I love you lets work on this.

I want to be able to eat and sleep again.
I want to be able to feel safe in his arms and know that it is a safe place just for me to fall.

I know I am partly to blame for this situation but he won't even let me try to meet his needs.
He comes home on Monday and I am terrified about what he will say to me when he reutrns. I have no one to talk to that gives me any encouragement.

His family believes in the "you can't choose who you fall in love with" Bull sh**.

Why is no one on my side!!!!!

sorry for the rant but I am just in a bad place today.
Blind

no thoughts................from anyone?????

Isn't everyone here used to people being so desperate from time to time????

blind

Weekends are slow, Blind...

Why do you assume rejection where it isn't?

How much have you been doing to work on yourself...codependency? That self-deception you mentioned?

How much self-care have you been doing? Do you know your own ENs and what you can do to meet them?

Do you believe love is a choice?

Lots of great stuff on this site...and with your WH's addictions, why not Al-Anon?

Make yourself your focus and maybe sleeping, exercising, eating well will come back to you...because you are nourishing you.

LA

thanks la
I do believe love is a choice. at least i think i do.

I have been going to al anon and it is helping. maybe more than i thought it would.
I am trying to be good to myself, trying to sleep, eat etc.
I have 4 dogs so exercise is unavoidable. ha ha

I guess i am just super anxious because he is coming home on monday, i haven't seen him in a month and i haven't spoken to him in 4 days.

It is just hard to feel so miserable knowing that he feels he is having the time of his life
blind

If you believe love is a choice...then why did you ask this:

"So why do I still love him and hope that I wake up from this nightmare.
I should hate him shouldn't I?????????????????"

and this:

"why do I want this to work if he says he doesn't love me anymore?"

Find the root of your anxiety...are you attempting to be yourself fully...own all of what is yours...your thoughts, feeling, beliefs...or are you fearing his judgment, choices, thoughts, feelings or beliefs?

Why DJ, Blind? Why allow yourself to disrespectfully judge him? Because this feeds your resentment, which you cherish more than love?

How do you know he's having the time of his life?

Affairs are escaping into fantasy when reality is painful. Not having the time of your life, I promise. Why hurt yourself so badly with this belief?

LA

You can choose infatuation and short term satisfaction with almost anyone. Sometimes that feels like love but is it really?

From where I stand amid the wreckage of an alcoholic, codependant, adulterous relationship there is one thing that holds true. If I did not have children with her I would not be here. Part of my love for her is enmeshed with her being the mother of my children. Hurting her or punsihing her or walking away from her means I hurt, punish or walk awyay from my two sons. BTW if we didn't have the kids she would have left too. Not for OM but because there is just so much hard work and pain that you need to endure to right the ship.

I can tell you if I did not have that tether I would not be here today.

You are feeling rejected and just want him to chose you again. If he choses you again what are you getting?

HL & LA
I guess I am just holding on to the life I thought we had together.
Maybe because of my own fears it didn't really exsist the way I remember it.

As for what I get if he chooses me again.
I guess I just get more pain and sorrow.
I must have a lot more work to do on myself than I thought.

I know we both didn't come close to meeting each others EN.

I just want the opportunity to try.

blind

so here I am.
He is coming back home tomorrow and I am freaking out.
we have spoken once on the phone in the last week and I am lost as to how to handle him being back in our home.
I want to stay away from any LB's but how do I not throw something at him the minute I see him?

When he left a month ago he still hadn't admitted to the affair.
He did that over the safety of the phone lines.

So tomorrow is the first face to face.
any suggestions???
Blind

blind..... you got to get yourself together.

You need to now be prepared... Its not as easy as saying no LB'ing.

You need to be prepared for a couple of scenarios... and I mean be prepared.

What if he walks in and starts being hurtful, sell the house, need to be with the other woman, need to be alone... its either all fog or all true, either way its his choice and his decsions... you need to remember that. You can't change him. Now you need to remember to practice listen and repeat. "I hear you say you need time and space, that is your choice and I understand" don't say accept it.

The other scenario is that he walks in and his warm and maybe be even affectionate, then show him your love don't cry don't break down, just enjoy him being back....

I remember long trips and coming home I was a zombie and my wife was aren't you glad to see me. I was but I was a zombie and that got her mad and it built up.

I guess the 3rd scenario is that he comes in and is blah, neutral, says he's tired and really means it. Then you leave him alone to decompress... if lays down in your bed go lay with him, he pulls away be okay with it but be there with him so he knows that your not trying to be distant.