WSs are ALL the same. No matter how unique they or we think they are. If they knew how cliche, predictable and corny they are, each one of them would die. On the spot.

I know he makes these grand statements about being his own man and being independent.

He actually said last night" I don't want you to think this is all because of another woman"

I know this is a LB but my reply was.

Well then what is the reason for all of this. You never said you were unhappy until you met her.

Him...........no response.

Blind

It's never about the OW - they ALL say that. When you read the same thing here over and over, it is almost comical. Also you get where you can actually predict what is going on by what they say.

I wish I was that skilled.

I looked in his cell phone this am and found text messages with them professing their love. I so wanted to puke.

But instead I got up and made him breakfast.
The power of Plan A.

I think he has spent more time talking to her on the phone in the past 2 months than we have in 10 years.

Amazing , now he has so much to say.

Blind

Because it is a FANTASY, and nothing more. Stay in Plan A and try to have some fun. You can invite him and if he chooses not to go, you go by yourself.

I know. It is so hard to defend Plan A to my sister.

She feels I should just kick him to the curb.

It feels almost like I am defending him to my family UGH!!

Ignore her. I'm sure she cares for you and has the best intentions, but until someone has been through this, they have no idea.

Before my D-day, my beloved niece's husband cheated on her. She is a beautiful woman, inside and out. She teaches other oncology nurses. I kind of told her to just get over it and throw the bum to the curb. She went into a depression that lasted almost a year. I couldn't understand it, but now I do.

We are under the same roof.
House looks great we are doing simple things together, food shopping, caring for our dogs, cooking dinner together etc.

How do I get past all of the text messages saying after we watched some dvd's together he couldn't call her because "I was stuck under a pile of dog ******"

Meaning he couldn't talk to her because I was around?

I have some encouragement because right now the phone and texting is all they have.

It is just so hard to take him being nice to my face and saying things like that behind my back.

This is the man who never left the room with out kissing me and telling me he loved me.

UGH!!!!!!

Blind

bumped.

anyone have any advice??

Blind

I will take anything at this point Plan As that worked and those that didn't.

How do you get past the hurtful things the WS is texting to the OW.

I know they are part of the fog but UGH!!

Blind

bumped myself.
I hope that is ok.

Blind

I know Plan A is about me and my being happy. Creating a safe place for him to share and talk but how far is too far?

We eat meals together and sleep in the same bed. No SF.
I think if he even kisses me he feels like he is "cheating" on her.

Do I kick him to another bedroom? I am so confused as to what is a good Plan A and what is just fueling his fence sitting?

Blind

self bump.

looking for advice on constructive Plan A.

Blind

Again...I don't have the answers to what you specifically should and should not be doing in your Plan A.

Your distinct advantage is the distance between them. The OM in our families life was 750 miles away. I was taping conversations and snooping on text messages myself. The key is to disregard them. It's all lies to feed his/her addictions anyway. He sits and has a pleasant evening with you then gripes to her about what an aweful evening it was. Why does he do this??? Why does he feel the need to lie to her???

Because thats how he gets his "hit" his "fix" back from her. She is the drug dealer and he must make the drug dealer feel good before she will in return make him feel good. He is the rat in the cage pushing the button over and over again hoping for another does of cocaine.

I, myself, was unique in the fact that though I hated the times my wife was talking to OM, I stuck around and didn't go overboard because I wanted to cause as much interference as possible. My mere presence was the biggest interference as it sounds like yours is too. Before D-day my wife had hours of alone time with which to carry on conversations with OM....thereafter, not so much. If I tried to set boundaries she'd through a fit and leave the house (with her cell phone) and spend hours discussing the "situation" with OM. I was feeding the affair. By sitting back and allowing things to happen ...but being there nonetheless...they had less opportunity to bond and WE had more opportunity to communicate.

Eventually, the OW is going to start getting frustrated with the status quo. The longer you can maintain status quo the more love busting OW will do. It is a tough tradeoff, because your man will try to MAKE you the problem...he will try to fight and draw you into petty crap to rationalize and justify his leaving on the flip side you are being criticized and victimized by his uncaring, adulterous behavior. So how can you be strong and confident when someone is walking all over you and wiping their feet in the process??? Plan A...focus on YOU. What they do and don't do it IRRELEVANT to what you do and don't do. Sleep in the same bed IF YOU WANT TO. Initiate SF IF YOU WANT TO (but make him wear protection if you do). If he thinks fooling around with you is cheating on her then seduce him and make him cheat on her...give him the "one last night" speech maybe. (again, careful of STD's). I had a few "last nights" with my wife that I even made note of on my desk calender. I really thought each time was going to possibly be our last and I wanted to remember the date for some silly reason.

Are you conflict avoiding??? Why have you not had a friendly conversation about this??? Talking rationally about this should not change the outcome and it will give you a chance to appear strong and confident. You will be able to impress him versus what he anticipates your likely responses to be.

Sorry, I kinda rambled (I also hate proofreading so I apologize for spelling, typo's and gramatical errors..I sooo miss spellcheck)

Mr. Wondering

What is it about what you say to me.

It always makes me feel like I AM doing the right thing.

I think I am conflict avoiding maybe just for my own sanity.

I just spoke to one of the families that he works for that is friends with the OW family. My WS told me they were estacic, in reality they are mortified.

They are so embarrased over what their daughter is doing they don't even want to talk about it.

Little bit different then what my alien said.

We did have afriendly conversation on Friday night after I found him hiding outside in the backyard so they could talk on the phone.

Our conversation lasted until about 6am.

I calmly explained I was not ready to sell our home and that I believed in our relationship even if he didn't.

I said I understand that you want to leave and be with her and that is your choice but I am not selling our home right now.

As I said in an earlier post he cried the ENTIRE time. I doubt it was guilt I think he was just pissed because he wouldn't have extra $$ to start his new life.

Now I am rambling, sorry. I know Plan A is about me.

It is just so hard to see what happens to people ( the aliens) when they get caught up in their own fantasy world.

To bad they don't come out the other side as quickly.

Blind

You may get a rant from him about how he is "stuck" with you and since you won't agree to sell the house quickly that he'll lose his soulmate. He'll ask you how you think you can be happy having him in a relationship HE says he doesn't want to be in. He may even become incredulous that you still care for him and ask you to let him go be with OW because if you care for him you should want him to be "happy"

Don't buy it. He's trying to make this all your fault or get you to cast him out. To give in and give up. Ignore it. You just stick to your guns and say "you have absolutely NO control over what he chooses or doesn't choose to do...you only control you...and right now you are with him, and will stand by him as he processes through this difficult emotional time".

Thing is, once OW is out of the picture, they come around and if they don't...you'll be even more ready to move on by that time.

BTW, the crying thing to me is a good sign. Demonstrates to me that he is conflicted. "Conflicted" is better than resolute on destroying your relationship. Still not great but at least it appears he IS on the fence and unsure what to do.

AGAIN, Read Dobson.

Mr. Wondering

Thing is, once OW is out of the picture, they come around and if they don't...you'll be even more ready to move on by that time.******************
That statement alone really is where I am right now.

Right now I still look past all of his flaws because I have so much love for him.

I can't predict the future so I guess as time goes on I will know when is my time to give up and give in.

Thanks for the support, and the wisdom.

It is so nice to have a place like this site where you feel you get honest answers from those who have literaly been in your shoes.

Family and friends are so quick to judge and say , sell the house you will be so much better with out hima nd while this may be true I know I have to figure that out for myself on my own timeline.

Blind

I know I am an impatient person. I admit this and I am working on it.

My WS and I are still under the same roof. The EA is still going on phone contact only right now because they are 1000 apart.

How do I not worry about everything I say to him??

I know I am going to make mistakes, say the wrong thing etc.

Here I am, I have exposed to everyone I can find.
No difference.

I read the text messages between them. Don't throw up any more but still can't believe what I am reading.

He is nice to be for the most part then lies to her on the phone saying how horrible it is being in the same house. So I know he is lying to both of us.

I have really only been in Plan A for a couple of weeks because he was away for a month.

I guess I just feel like I could be doing more.

Anybody else feel like that?

I know this could take years but I need to feel more involved with the process I guess.

Sorry for the rambling. Bad day

Blind

bumped
still looking for advice.
Blind

Excuse the rant but I am in Plan A and I have to get this out of my system.

WH came home from a haircut 3 hours later so I know he was walking on the beach talking to OW.

He nicely asked me if I wanted anything from the store ad I said I would love some cupcakes. Harmless so I thought.

Especially since I have lost 20 lbs on the "infedelity diet" and none of my clothes fit.

So his response to my request for cupcakes was this.

When I was in NY I paid $5 for a cupcake for OW's nephew and he didn't even eat it so OW and I did and it was the best cupcake I have ever had.

C'mon man!!!!!! was that really necessary to tell me.

Now he has ruined cupcakes for me to.


My repsonse to him was. Great I am glad you enjoyed it.

Gosh today has been a hard one.

For all that got a laugh out of my cupcake crisis.

You are welcome. Thanks for "listening"


Blind