AmIok
thanks. Just having someone suggest how to start this conversation help.

Before the A conflict avoidance is obviously one of our biggest problems.
I just have to do it and not over analyze it.

Mr. W can you send the Mrs over here?

Why wouldn't he WANT to tell me that they haven't had any contact.
Why would he hide that?

Blind

Maybe tonight. She's been ill lately and unavailable.


I can only guess but he's likely in withdrawal, confused and conflicted. He's chosen YOU but unsure why. Perhaps if all things were equal...you two were not entangled (house and longterm relationship) and OW lived in the same town...he would still be torn over his choices. He may even be certain he'd choose her. He doesn't want to FOREVER lose you by admitting/discussing his current feelings about OW. He doesn't want to talk about it to protect you for further hurt due to his thinking.

That being said...it doesn't make his "feelings" for the OW true. He may "feel" that way cause that's what WS's do. The "love you but not in love with you" crap is very consistent. This is why Plan A continues even after "No Contact" is established.

The best way to effect change in the relationship is to change yourself. Your partner must follow eventually or get out the way. Concentrate a bit on your own intimacy barriers and breaking THEM down. Lead by example. Teach him. Instead of discussing OW directly discuss who you are deep inside and ask about him deep inside.

A discussion on intimacy I saw here a long time ago compared intimacy to a house. Every person/house has a bunch of rooms that they comparmentalize their lives into. Work, sex, friends, family, childhood issues and insecurites, history...you name it. As intimate partners access to those rooms needs to be open and honest. Neither partner should want to maintain locked rooms and/or even little closets into who they are. Intimacy is gained when we allow someone into our home/person and welcome them to look around everywhere....and the doors remain unlocked.

You do this first...if it ain't good enough, build up your self-confidence sufficient enough that you'll be prepared to move on when the time comes. YOU are not dependent upon this relationship for happiness....YOU never were and never will be again. Give him some time to process this but keep working at him.

Mr. W

Please tell Mrs W to get well soon.

Your advice to me has been great and I truly appreciate every word.
I will keep you posted.

Thanks Mr W!!!!

Blind

I think I am seeing signs of withdrawal. There has been no contact on his part for 13 days.

She has text messaged him twice asking "just to know he is ok"

He has not replied to either.
Last night before bed I went t kiss him goodnight and he turned his cheek. That is the first time he did that in a month.
I guess now he is having trouble with missing her.
I am still plan Aing but he seems less receptive.

His entire A was only 2 months long where they saw each other only 2 times. It was really a phone affair.

Anybody with experience in how long withdrawal usually lasts?

I know it is different all around I guess I am just looking forward to getting through this next step.
Thanks all!

Blind

So almost 2 weeks and no contact from him.

Why does he seem even more indifferent to me now?

We no longer sleep in the same room.
No kiss goodmorning.
No SF?

Why was he nicer to me when he was still talking to her???

Clueless again,

Blind

Hello,

Likely withdrawal. Can't do to much to work on the relationship until No Contact and withdrawal are over. Just keep meeting needs, pushing slightly and making him feel safe to talk to you.

Here's a link to a post by Suzet on Withdrawal.

[color:"blue"] Suzet's Withdrawal Post [/color]

Mr. Wondering

thanks, those threads were great. very helpful.

Hope Mrs. W is feling better!

Blind

Good Morning! I hope that this finds you well. see that things are a little rough right now. I'm getting over a rough patch myself! H had C again (7/7/06), so we reset the clock again. He was very loving last night, but things change from day to day! You are doing a great job of holding up and being strong! Pat yourself on the back!

Keep your head up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the "smile".
I know I should be glad that he isn't contacting her.
The OW TM him again on 7/13 and called on 7/14 but he didn't respond to either of them.

What is weird which you may have gone through yourself is that when he was talking to her on the phone for hours at a time he was more affectiote with me than he is now?

I guess I have to be realistic and maybe he was just thinking of her when he was with me.

Rinderella let me know if i can ask you a personal question.
I don't want to pry but I wanted to know about your husband and Sf while the affair is still ongoing.
I understand if it isn't something you can share.

Thanks Blind

B-you can ask me anything anytime you want. I'm always here, it seems we are walking a similar path right now! If you'd like to do it some other way like Yahoo I can do that to. I'll be away from my desk for a few hours.

Blind,
Boy, I've just spent all afternoon rading your whole story and I found it compelling. I'm in your shoes as well. I discovered WH's A at the end of April, confronted him at the beginning of May and now I'm not really sure what the heck is going on. YOu can find my thread if you are interested.

At any rate, I just wanted to let you know that it sounds to me like you are doing great, just keep hanging in there and plan a.

I also wanted to make a comment in regards to your question about your WS being indifferent to you now that he seems to be in withdrawal. From what I've read, these WS's are very much like any addict. The withdrawal is sometimes the worst part. They lash out and close down to those who love them most, in this case, you. Just hang in there and keep being loving and understanding to his EN when he'll let you. When you need to vent, come to the board to get your head on straight.

Eventually, he will work himself out of the withdrawal and then I would think things should start to get better again.

If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to call on me. Sounds like we're pretty close to each other on the path.

All the best,
TryingToTrust

Thanks for the post trying to trust.

These boards really are amazing. Without them I know I would not be where I am right now.
I will look for your thread today.

Except for the initial What the he** have you done this to me for? The withdrawal is the hardest so far.

I have been able to do a pretty good plan A if I do say so myself. Thanks to everyone I have met here.

Blind

I just reread my own thread for the first time since I entered this weird fog world of my WS and I can see now how far I have come.

On others recomendations I have read Suzet*'s quick guide on withdrawal.

I guess my Plan A has gone well because I feel good about where I am and there has been NC for 17 days now( yes I am counting).

It is this same time period that he has been very different towards me. Really the last 2 weeks. No affection no SF.

So his attitude towards me when there is NC with her is very different that right after d day.
He was affectionate, even somewhat romantic.

I know from other posts this period will continue for who knows how long.

What can I do on my end to help him through the withdrawal so we can start to recover????


Blind

Go out and have fun. No sense diddling about the day while he's depressed and non-communicative. I wasted a lot of time last summer just going out. We partied like we did when we dated and connected here and there.

It may be a drag scheduling it and planning it by yourself. He may be hesitant. Try to really make him go but if he doesn't go yourself and have a good time. You can't put your life on hold waiting for him to get over some other girl. Lead and he follows or gets out of your way...this train is leaving the station.

You can't expect to make progress without moving.
Get your move on'.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Surf's up.

Wow, Mr. W, I've been trying to keep up with BS06, and I love your posts.

BS06-You've got some great advice going on here. I see the point very clearly, do you? Do you know why this is needed? What lessons have you learned from this life experience to date? I still see you focusing on him, what are you doing for yourself? How do you feel about yourself?

Focus on yourself...what do you need to be a whole person? These are questions that only you can answer.

Blind,
Thanks for your post on my thread - how are things going for you today?

I don't know that there is much you can do while he is in withdrawal other than hang tough, be patient, Plan A.

It's almost like you are in withdrawal yourself, isn't it? I know you are missing him desperately and axiously awaiting him coming out of the fog, but you have to stand strong - remember, let him come out of the fog to you, don't go in after him or you'll get lost as well.

Do some things for yourself to take the edge off. Go get a massage, manicure, pedicure - see a movie with friends, treat yourself to a shopping spree. Continue to live life. Be a light at the end of the tunnel for him. Don't smother, don't push, just be the light and let him come to you, continue to Plan A.

But most importantly, make yourself a priority. Do things for yourself to keep occupied. Eventually he will come out of this, but it will take awhile.

All my best,
T2T

Thanks Rind, Mr W & T2T,

I guess I am trying to find the balance between being in Plan A and trying to get inside his head at the same time.

I haven't grasped the concept that that isn't possible.

Last night I was reading a cosmo magazine and I thought it would be fun to ask him the quiz questions.
Just to start some kind of conversation that isn't about our next meal.

So the first question is about the most exciting time you made love.
He answers that is a girl from High school in his Junior year.
Much to my suprice it is the same girl I saw him trying to find on the computer yesterday afternoon.
So needless to say I was shocked to see her name while I was spying then a few hours later he mentioned she "was the best he's ever had".

Nice. I have been with the man for almost 18 years and the experiances with me got beaten out my a 17 year old girl he broke up with in high school that he hasn't spoken to in over 15 years.

That made me feel really special.

Plan A isn't as great as it was yesterday.

Blind

just still angry!!!

blind

Blind,
I do the same thing with my WH. I try to figure out what was going through his mind, or is going through his mind all the time. It's really hard to not do. As the wayward spouse, you desperately need to understand what happened, why it is happened. I think your situation is much like mine (and probably like most others) where one day everything was perfect, your relationship was at it's best ever. Then the next day, everything is falling apart.

My WH and I had decided to try and start a family just 4 months prior. He was on a business trip in Japan and actually calling me every couple of days because he missed me. I was getting romantic, loving e-mails from him daily. Then all of a sudden, it's the exact opposite. All fog, anger and venom. So I think it's normal to have your head spinning and desperately trying to understand why.

Don't take the comment about the best sex being with that girl from high school. He's in withdrawal - he's not making any sense and he's lashing out because of his own pain. Because you are the most easily accessible, you are the easiest target. Ask yourself this, before any of this happened in your life, what do you believe his answer to that same question would have been? I'm willing to bet that before all of this, he would have thought you were his best. He's just lashing out, it's part of withdrawal. I know it's hard, but try to let it roll off your shoulders. The things coming out of his mouth right now are not the words of the man you love, he's still in the fog.

Someone on this board told me this a few months back when I first found out about the A. Remember that you are a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman with alot to offer. You have been his heart for a very long time, and you are still in there somewhere. No other woman can truly compete with you. You are AWESOME.

Keep a positive focus, remember what I said the other day, take care of yourself right now. Do not dwell on him and the venom. He's in the fog. Take care of yourself and prepare yourself to be strong for him when he comes out the other side of the fog. He'll need you then. This won't happen today, most likely won't happen tomorrow and probably won't happen next week. But give it time, eventually he will come out the other side.

I'm not saying to turn your heart off to him, but don't let him pull you into the fog. Let him see that you care and are waiting for him on the other side of the fog, but that you aren't going to wallow in self pity with him.

You can get through this! If you need someone to talk to, know you can count on me. I know there are many out there at the same stage both of us are, but if you need a shoulder, you've got one here. I know how you are feeling.

My WH gets home from a weeklong business trip to France tonight. We'll see where in the fog he is at. We're supposed to be going away this weekend, so if I don't get back to you with my normal speediness, I'll check in when we get home! I'm praying the more weekends WH spends with me, the less time he'll spend thinking about OW, pluses for me!

All my best,
T2T

Thanks T2T.
That is exactly what I needed to hear tonight.

Iguess when I see a little light coming through the fog I forget how quickly it can roll in again.

I hope the weekend is wonderful for you both.

A change of scenery together is always a good thing.

I will regroup and charge ahead.

Plan A to the rescue!!

Blind