Well last night I tried to start a conversation with a "drive by" as you call it. I basicaly got no response.

He is so closed emotionally that I don't know what it will take to get him to open up to me.

My heart tells me he is comiting to this relationship with me but my mind is afraid to give in to my heart for fear of getting hurt again.

He must be feeling the same way I would think.

But then again we all know what happens when we [censored]-u-me things!!!

Here's to another day in withdrawal. Whooo Hooo ! I can't wait!!
UGH!

Blind

Have you done the roadtrip thing where you have him cornered, unknowingly in the car?

Have you suggested relationship counseling? (Often men are soooo adverse to this they talk to you just to avoid having to go to a counselor)...Don't hammer it, just suggest it.

If you don't have HNHN...buy it on Audio CD and listen to it together on your road trip. If he is hesitant, just remind him of the tension in your relationship and inability for either to communicate their thoughts safely, all you are asking for is for him to listen. Then you'll drop it. He can pause the recording if he's got something to say, but all you ask is that you both listen to the whole thing together. After that you'll drop all relationship conversations or discussion for the weekend unless he brings it up. Negotiate listening to the CD with his inner conflict avoider....but remember to get his consent somewhere in there. If he is forced to listen to it, it will likely fall on deaf ears.

Remember, intimacy is not only sharing whats current. You don't have to talk about the OW and your relationship to develope intimacy. Look for subjects he WILL discuss. His childhood. His work. His hobbies. Just ask a little more in depth questions and listen.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

BS06-looks like we're still in the same place. I tried a drive-by last night and he got defensive! I told him it wasn't open for discussion...didn't get to finish my statement before he said...what? are you telling me to shut up? Good night!...I tried to finish my statement and he wouldn't let me!

I don't know if it's withdrawal or if he's just being an @ss as usual! (DJ)

Blind,

Sorry about the misommunication - I'm so glad you didn't LB! I know how it feels though, I sometimes want to strangle WH. Come here first and ask MBs about everything before I actually do it. I figure it's better to make the mistake talking to you guys before I make it talking to him :-)

Getting ready for a "drive by" of my own. I feel like WH is truly trying to make the effort, that's what my heart says. My mind however, like yours, is running in circles and scared stiff. Time to talk to WH and see if I can get some communication lines to open.

Good luck with the weekend - I'll be around if you need some one to vent to - you too Rinderella!

T2T

Hi Blind,

Just wanted to jump in with my 2cents.

You are trying WAY too hard. Starting conversations is VERBODEN during withdrawl <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. Think about it like any addict... they are all grouchy, p*ssy, and in horrible moods in withdrawl. You're trying to get candy from an alligator right now. It aint gonna happen! You see how miserable he is... misery loves company: no thanks!

Best to do a mix of Plan A and the 180 in these early stages. Be pleasant, but distant. Have things to do. Leave the house for errands or to meet with friends. Finish a project you've got going. Keep otherwise busy and distanct and let him work the herion out of his system on his own.

If you catch a glimsp of your real H, go with it! Be nice, but do not suggest or do anything. Just hang back and enjoy his pleasantness. DONT take it as an opportunity to start ANY conversation or ask him anything (other than would he like a sandwich?). Wait till you get a couple of weeks of consecutive H (not WH), before you initiate recovery type conversations.

The time for RECOVERY is coming, but you're not there yet. He's in no mindset to offer anything of value. I know you are on pins and needles, bursting to get this going, but you've got to be patient. Be still... I think is the new catch phrase.. Be still. I hate to see you inviting so much extra stress onto this horrible situation. I am sorry! BS's living through withdrawl should get a gold medal or something. Please do something nice for yourself - you certainly deserve it (and it plays nicely into 180). Please take care - Dru <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Being around a person in withdrawal sucks. But the good thing about it is that their ill temper lets you know that they are not getting any fix.

When my wife would see the OM, she'd act wonderfully around me. Odd eh? If your man was suddenly feeling great, I'd snoop a little to see 'why' he was feeling so good.

Anyway, the odds are definately much better for you today, as compared to the day you arrived here. Keep up the plan A, and don't let the bad moods affect you on the outside. A happy but confident person is an attractive person. He'll come out of it eventually.

I agree with Dru on this one.

U got an MC or can you call Steve for some coaching? Seems you need a kickstart of a recovery plan. 1 for u 1st and 2nd for the M.

L.

Hi everyone.
The weekend has been fog free so I have been to busy to check in.

Friday went surfing after work. I always forget how great the sun and surf can make you feel. WS got me an ipod nano and loaded it with all of my favorite songs and surprised me.

Had a great saturday and we are having a great sunday.

I finally heard my first un-provoked "I love you " and it almost brought tears to my eyes.

Here is to hope for all of us BS's.

Gotta go back and enjoy my alien free time.



Blind

Blind,

That is awesome, feels great doesn't it?

T2T

I can't even explain what a great place I am in right now.

It was so easy to verbalize the lowest of lows.Why is it hard to type the good stuff?

I feel right now like I did when I fell in love with my WS when we were 14.

I guess I was preparing to not see the man I love for a very long time.

So many on this site have been living with this pain for years and so far for us things are going well.

Tomorrow is the 4 month anniversary of D day.

Today I woke up and he had gotten up before me and layed fresh Jasmine from our yard on my pillow so I could start my day sweetly.(aww!)

Does it get any better that that?

Four months ago this man told me " I love you but I don't know if I am in love with you"

Today he KNOWS he loves me.

We are far from recovery but I am so thankful for every fog free moment ..............and especially for all of you that guided us here.

Bless you all!!

Blind

Still fog free here!

I guess I have to start trying the word recovery on for size.

I haven't brought up an NC lettler because there has been NC for a month now. No call no TM on either of their ends.

I am not sure why it ended but right now I guess I don't care.

Do I ask for an NC letter if there hasn't been contact in so long or do I just move past that?

Honestly I didn't think we would get here so fast and I wasn't prepared to start healing and rebuilding so soon.

I guess I have to start reading my books again.

Any advice on the first steps towards recovery???

Blind

BS- On the NC thing, I'm not sure! I still don't have it and it will be a month on the 11th.

We're in a good stop too but I'm not ready to say recovery yet. I thought I was and when I found more C, it was like a second D-day. I don't want to get my hopes up this early in the game. Do you mention that this isn't the first time S has done this? The reason I ask is if he has repeated his behavior in the past, I would recommend examining what, if any, difference there is between the last time and this time. I would make a list of what problems you feel were present pre-A.

It's so early, Blind, LA was recommending I wait until Sept. for R talk. I think even when things are good we need to stand still some times. Check out the clouds and rainbows, and enjoy being still. I think it's a great time to enjoy that, be still with him, listen to yourself breathe for a while, and Check to see if he's still breathing too, but don't focus on him.

Do you know what you need for recovery? Have you examined what it would take to built an A proof R for you?

Hey there.
I haven't been around a lot so I was glad to see your post.

I am surprised that I can't answer your question. I guess I have some work to do.

Here all of this time I have been hoping to get to " the recovery" part and I am not sure what I need for it to feel like I think it should feel.

How would you answer that one?

Blind

duh found it.

Now if I could only cut and paste??????
Blind

I haven't been able to update my original thread and I have no idea how to add a link to the bottom so I started over.

There has been NC for 39 days straight.

We seem to have recaptured something that has been missing for years now that I take an honest look back.

Rinderella had on her thread that I think LA had menioned that you the BS shouldn't press RT until there has been 3 months of NC.

Does everyone agree with that?

I have done the one liner drive bys and that has worked well.

I have "trapped him" in the car for hours a a time looking at house paint colors.

Worked great.

But I can't get him to WANT to open up about what has happened in the last 4 months.

Will he ever open up to me or will I have to live with this black hole in our relationship indefinately?

I feel good about the work I have done for me and for us but I miss that he feels he can't open up yet???


Blind

Eventually you may get the opportunity to present him with your rendition (or an actual copy of) Joseph's letter.

If you've already read it...sorry.

Here is the link -----> Joseph's Letter

Other than that...maintain a safe environment, keep trying to have fun, deepen intimacy and have patience with perseverance.

Mr. Wondering

HI, blind, I was just checking in to check on you! I'm so happy for you, sounds like things are going GREATTTT!

I've got pinkeye and have been home the pass few days. It's been he))! It's got to look up soon! OR at least clearer! LOL

Have a great night and tomorrow! You are blessed!

Hi Rin and Hi to both the dubayas.

Things here are going so well I feel like I shouldn't really be here anymore.

We are planning a vacation at the end of the month.

We may not go far but there is so much to do where we live that I am sure if there aren't any hurricanes we will have a great time.

Rin it looks like you had a few rough days there but you seem ok now.

Looking over the posts it seem as if I missed a lot of drama but it is hard to follow only checking in every few days.

I know it could all fall apart again but in my heart it feel as if we , my FWS and I are on the right path for us at least for now.

NC since 7/1/06.

No real relationship talk but he has gone back to introducing me as his wife again. We aren't married but it used to be a little joke between us and it is good to hear him say it again and smile.

I wish I could edit my first post so people just joining "our family" could see that for some of us the pain doesn't always last for years on end.

My alien's ship finally landed and lucky for me it landed in our back yard.

love and best wishes to all who have helped us get here.

I will keep you posted!!

blind

Watch for early fog rising. Not meant to scare just be cautious. I recall before when I posted similar to a BS, she basically told me off.....then in about 2 weeks.....her H left her for the OW.

Now I do not wish that to happen to you but also don't want you to feel it is safe enough to trust implicitly again.

Let him rebuild your trust in him. He has a ways to go. Take it slow and let it take permanent root.

take care,
L.

Hi, I was just checking on you...things have been rough at my camp...at least I know there is always an up somewhere...

I'm looking forward to an update!

I've been out of the loop a little and need to get my drive back up! LOL NO not SF drive either, LOL!