The overall purpose of this post is to find some Plan A/B success stories. I am
separating from my wife in two weeks and I really would like to hear from anyone
who has experienced success in restoring their marriage with Plan B.

I have been married for almost five years and have a four year old son. My wife has been having an affair since last July. I discovered it in early March. Naturally she refuses to break contact with this man. I tried every form of reasoning I could think of, but the more I tried to get her to work on the marriage, the more she resisted. She refuses counseling and I have heard the standard "I love you but I'm not in love with you" kind of statements. This is the most addictive relationship I have ever heard of or seen. She is prepared to sacrifice our marriage and our son's welfare to pursue this man, who is also married. Any attempts to get her to stop have unleashed an anger from her I have never seen before.

After failing to persuade her to work on the marriage, I adopted Plan A and have done a pretty good job implementing it for about three months. I should say we had a good marriage up until the affair, and the cards and letters my wife wrote to me prior to the affair say things like "meeting you has given me the happiest years
of my life." Needless to say she has rewritten our history since the affair and now claims she has been unhappy since our son was born.

I am not altogether convinced that all affairs are the result of not meeting someone's emotional needs. Much of what I see in my wife smacks of a midlife crisis; specifically, she seems to need to know she can still attract men. In fact, I discovered the affair by seeing a series of emails from another man who was trying to entice her into a sexual relationship which she made no effort to discourage. She was actually having an affair with someone completely different. I have always found my wife attractive and have told her frequently. Those of you who have seen people with low self-esteem,particularly with regard to their appearance, know that hearing how attractive they are from someone who loves them doesn't mean much to them because they feel they are looking at them through rose-tinted glasses.

The worst thing about my situation is that it would appear that their affair will last a long time due to the distance and infrequency of their meetings. He lives two hours away and works 6 days a week. She basically goes up to see him for a few hours in a motel, three or four times a month. Can the romance wear out with so little contact? She calls him several times a day but they seldom talk for more than a few minutes. It appears to me that his interest is primarily sexual and his wife knows about the affair. He is apparently on the verge of his own divorce which he seems to welcome. For my wife, it is unquestionably a fantasy affair. As I've heard others say, this is a true case of alien abduction. My wife seldom wore make-up
and always was a plain pajama wearer at bedtime. I discovered several hundred dollars worth of Victoria Secret lingerie which I had never seen, expensive perfume, and fancy dresses. She now wears make-up on every trip to see him. On the advice of a friend I recorded one of her phone calls which made me sick to my stomach because it discussed her sexual desire for him in graphic terms.

You might not see it in these lines, but the pain I have been going through is intense; thus, Plan B, which Dr. Harley claims is primarily to protect the betrayed spouse.
My depression and sadness were slowly evolving into anger and resentment. The Plan B is to save my feelings so there is at least a chance at reconciliation if she ever stops the affair. Here are the three possible outcomes of Plan B:

1. The affair continues indefinitely and they have a great relationship.
2. The affair ends eventually but one or the other, or both, of us are not inclined toward reconciliation.
3. The affair ends and we agree to work on the marriage.

Obviously statistics seem to make #1 the least likely possibility. Numbers 2 and 3 may have equal probability.

Who out there has had a Plan B separation that ended with both spouses getting back together and working things out?

Who is separating from whom?

Well, I am "forced" to leave. We are both on the mortgage, so I can't make her leave, but she will drive me crazy by running up to see him at every opportunity. And as I've said, I have been getting over the initial depression and moving quickly into resentment. I still want to save the marriage if it's possible, so that's why I opted to move out, before I end up hating her for what she is doing.

What kinds of positive experiences have you heard about with Plan B, other than people getting on with their lives without their spouses?

I should add that initially it was her that asked for the separation, saying she needed "time to sort things out." Or in other words, "I want you out of the way so I can see him without you looking over my shoulder."

I could stay and subject myself to this for an indefinite period, but I am getting more resentful everyday.

I am taking my son (4 years old) with me and we will trade him back and forth in shared custody.

In the phone conversation I recorded of her with the OM she talked about how she was excited to be single so she could date him more often (we are separating, not talking divorce yet).

People who know our situation wonder why I would try to save this marriage. I still look at my wife's behavior the way you would look at that of a drug addict or alcoholic; she is sick. This is not the same woman I have known for 6 years. Maybe she will come out of the fog and we can work to make our marriage better. Then again, maybe I'm deluding myself and this is the real person showing itself; superficial, deceptive, a liar and betrayer in the selfish pursuit of whatever pleases her at the moment with no thought of the consequences to herself or others.

I think it's a mistake to leave.

Sure it's hard to stay and put up with the pain. But you're willing to trade half your time with your son - and the prospect that she'll have your son around OM - to avoid soem pain?

Wait her out.

WAT

Hiker45. It sounds like you are telling my story!! I am desperatley trying to figure out how to stop his affair. I was optomistic at first because she lives in the northeast and we are in Fl, But how do I deal with the secret phone calls. In plan A I have to stay positive but he wants little or nothing to do with me. Can you share any thing that has worked for you??

I also think its a mistake to leave. It just leaves her free to pursue her affair and even have a place to bring the OM. Right in front of your son, too.

Have you exposed this affair? What does the OM's wife think about all this?

She would be having her cake and eating it. I fill her need for family commitment, conversation, and adoration. She gets sexual fulfillment and affection from him.

I tried three months of Plan A. Don't you think it's time I pulled the plug?

When you say do tried Plan A, what did you do to bust up the affair? Or did you just appease her for 3 months?

The affair has been exposed to many family members, but not all. Her mother has been through three marriages and advises her to pursue her passion. so that obviously doesn't help. Her grandmother doesn't know yet but may soon find out. She would be extremely upset and disappointed.

For those of you who ask about stopping your spouse's affair when they refuse to quit, there is only Dr. Harley's Plan A/B. Plan A rarely works by itself. Sometimes exposure does, but not in my case. Plan B is designed to keep your spouse from enjoying the benefits of having both you and the lover indefinitely, and also to save you from your own growing resentment over the affair which will ultimately kill your desire to save the marriage.

I am taking my son with me for a while. The separation conditions include not allowing him to ever be around the OM, which she agreed to. I might kill him otherwise.

Hiker, you have big exposure opportunities here before you should even consider going into Plan B. Exposure is ruinous to affairs. It is simply the most effective weapon you have.

I would start with the OM's wife TODAY and then expose to her grandmother. Her mother may have been fed a line of crap by her, so it would be good to call her and make sure she has the correct story and ask for her help.

Exposure is ruinous to affairs because it is like turning on the light in a crack house. No crackhead likes smoking crack when everyone is watching. It takes all the fun out of affairs.

And you say that it has been exposed to many family members? By WHOM? YOU? If not, then they likely don't have the true story and are still good exposure opportunities.

I would do this before you go to Plan B. It is equally important to do things to RUIN the affair in Plan A.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

I've tried just about all available avenues to kill the affair. He lives two hours away. He rarely travels down this way unless his work brings him here. My wife is definitely the pursuer and goes up to see him. She resists any attempt to talk about the affair. Her best friend has tried to talk her out of it with the result that my wife no longer corresponds with her.

My wife's mother basically tells her to pursue wherever passion leads her (she is on her third marriage).

I can't take her keys away from her. She has a job which allows a lot of personal freedom to get away from work. She call hims three or four times a day for just a few minutes on each call (phone bills).

Remember, Plan A calls for leaving good feelings with her about our relationship, while trying to promote a plan for reconciliation. She has refused all attempts at counseling or working on the marriage. She is in the deepest fog I have ever personally seen anyone suffer short of a drug addict or alcoholic.

When the idea of no contact was discussed about our separation, she cried. She was hoping we could still see each other, dating and on family outings. This is a clear sign that she doesn't want to sacrifice everything quite yet, but under no conditions will she stop the affair. This is a last resort measure.

Will she see him more often? Of course, but how else will it burn itself out?

Have you exposed this affair to the OM's wife? Exposure is an essential part of Part A that can't be skipped.

I can't tell the grandmother right at this time. The grandfather is seriously ill and she doesn't need the added worry at this time (they are 86 years old).

The OM's wife knows about the affair and tried calling my wife to stop it months ago. Now the OM and his wife are separated and have sold their house, apparently heading for divorce which the OM seems to welcome.

Melody, you are right about her mother being fed a line of crap, but my attempt to tell her otherwise failed. She is always going to take her daughter's side. My mother-in-law and I have never been the closest of friends.

I agree about exposure. My wife gets furious each time she finds out someone knows. But it hasn't stopped her from doing anything.

How do you know the OM and his wife are heading for divorce? Have you actually heard this from HER LIPS?

Thats ok if your wife gets angry about exposure; they always get over it. Exposure still causes great conflict in the affair. However,unless the OMW HERSELF has told you that the marriage is over and she no longer cares about his affair, you should not believe it.

The OM could just as likely be with his wife and lying to her about contact. The OMW might be no help at all, but there is a chance she could be an enormous ally in busting up this affair. You just can't let this potential opportunity lie dormant, Hiker.

That is too bad about your MIL. What a shame that she couldn't show some moral courage for the sake of her grandson.

Blindside, nothing has worked yet. You probably can't stop the phone calls. Relationship addictions can be almost impossible to break. The good news is they generally burn out. The bad news is it can take a long time.

Plan B calls for you to separate from your spouse in a no contact way. According to Dr. Harley, this forces the betraying spouse to meet your spouse's needs. If they do, you lose. If they do not, the affair will evaporate as the passion subsides.

It's a risky move and one that should only be taken as a last resort. But from what I can tell, if you stay with your spouse indefinitely while they pursue their affair you are allowing them to have the benefits of being with you and their lover. They can go on like that for a long time, often years.

Melody, I intercepted an email that confirmed that the OM and his wife are separated and have sold their home. The OM now lives in an apartment.

What other exposure opportunities are there, Hiker? The fact that your WW becomes enraged is a good sign. It means it is effective and hits the mark. If they don't become enraged, then you know it is not effective. But the more exposed an affair is, the harder it is to carry on. And most importantly, the harder it is to support the FANTASY.

Exposure forces the affairees to see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others, which is a huge reality shock. This is one of the reasons WHY they become so enraged.

Another good exposure target is the OP's PARENTS and possibly employer. What does the OM do?

This was written by WHOM?