Folks,

I've been on and off this board for the last year or so. Without going through my whole story I'll only say that my marriage is in a very precarious spot where the WW will not commit to NC due to her "addiction" to the OM. It's primarily an EA that's been going on for almost 12 months now. It's long distance and they've only met a few times over the course of a week when he was in town this past January. Needless to say, I've written the following letter asking the OM for NC with WW. To the best of my knowledge he's been pushing her away to an extent but she has been chasing after him to no end. I feel that this may be my only chance. Here is the contents of the letter.
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Dear OM,

I am writing to you as a last ditch effort to save my marriage and family. I'm not really sure how to begin but I will do my best to be direct and to the point. I also ask of you to keep this communication private and between us alone (I know, that's a slim chance)

I don't know what details of our lives in the past couple of months WW has shared with you. I will tell you (if you aren't aware) that WW and I have made a committment to working on our relationship. We've both backed down on the divorce (unless something drastic changes) and we've told the kids and many of our friends that we are staying together and working things out. I can't tell you how happy it made the kids, to know that they not only have two parents that love them dearly, but two parents who love each other as well. Not only have we made an emotional committment but we are about to move into a new home that represents a new start for the xxxx family.

That said, I understand WW has some deep emotional feelings for you. I also compare the feelings she has with an addiction of sorts. The fuel to that addiction is contact with you. Everytime she talks to you on the phone, e-mail, SMS or any other way, her addiction is fueled and the love triangle continues.

WW has shared her confusion with me not knowing how to stop feeling the way she does. I offered one solution that will put WW and I on the road to true marital recovery and that is no further contact between you and WW. The longer she is apart from the source of the addiction, the better our chances are. She has expressed concern that she cannot stop so, I am asking you to stop contact with WW. No calls, E-mail, SMS, letters, nothing. This is the only way I see WW breaking free of these feelings. I understand it will take time, lots of time but, I am willing to work with her to help her through this as I love her more than life itself.

I am hoping you have a strong sense of family, committment and marriage and can respect my request as WW is a married women, we've spent 15+ years together in fact we've known each other since high school and our children need two (biological) parents who love one another. I've expressed concern with WW that moving into a new home might not be the best thing for the kids because of the fragile state of our relationship if something were to change, we'd be right back where we started and the cycle would continue with further emotional damage to our children not to mention each other.
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I think it's very good. Makes key points. Unfortunately, it may have little or no effect. I tried pretty much the same thing with the man my wife has been seeing. I appealed to him on the basis of family, both his and mine (he is married with two boys). He basically denied the affair and said he just talks to my wife (an obvious and proven lie). Then he proceeded to tell me that I should let her do what she wants because that is what he does with his wife (the old open marriage argument).

I wish you luck.

Thanks. This guy is divorced (twice) with two kids who live with their mom 2000 miles away so, he does what he wants when he wants. Funny you mention the open marriage thing as I just suggested that to WW yesterday, I was only joking and told her so. I probably should have let her anwser to see where her head is.....

Barkingspud, I am in a similar situation and I often wondered about writing OM about this whole thing. The only thing that holds me back is that I would be giving OM control of what is going on in my marriage. I know he already wields some control but that would be ME putting my faith that he would "do the right thing." That is something I probably can't do because the right thing was passed a long time ago in this EA he has going with my W. Good luck and let us know what reactions (if any) you get form OM.

No.

Don't send it.

You are assigning this pondscum too much standing by assuming he has ethics.

If you are determined to send him ANYTHING, send a picture of Yosemite Sam, "Back off!" Include a note indicating that you will exhaust all legal avenues available to you to prevent him from further disrupting your family unless he ceases all contact immediately - unless he's an attorney and knows that you may not have any legal avenues.

Thanks WAT.

Unfortunatly, this brand of pondscum is pretty street smart. He been through the D process twice already and hasn't had a monogamous relationship anytime in his married life.

I really don't know what to do. WW isn't going to stop now or ever unless he breaks it off once and for all but, my guess is he will perpetuate the relationship just to keep his ego fueled and perhaps have a friend with benefits whenever he comes to town.

Thanks ToH, I'm not sure I will send it at all. It does put a LOT of power in his hands and validates the whole relationship. I think I'll hold off for another few weeks and see where things go. it really is a last ditch effort and we aren't there just yet......

What you should do is apply the principles elaborated on this web site. Seek counseling for yourself from the MB counselors if you can afford it.

Have you accomplished all exposure?

Why do you think this has been "only" an EA?

WAT

WAT,

WW and I are in MC, I've been in IC for 8 months and WW has been in IC for 3-4 months. exposure was complete back in August of 2005. Her family bailed and hasn't spoke with her (or their grandkids) since which is pretty sad.

As I said, they actually met this past January I am somewhat of a P.I. and am VERY resourseful. All her time is well accounted for as she doesn't dissapear or gemerally go anywhere without letting me know. Albeit that week in January she was alomst completely AWOL.

I've read SAA and have had a couple of sessions with SH so, I am no stranger to the MB principles they are very good but VERY hard to practice consistantly due to my impatient nature although I constantly remind myself that it's like running a marathon or climbing Mt.Everest with very elongated time scales.

I just don't want to see my kids (or me) whipsawed like the past 12 months

I don't think the letter is necessarily a bad idea. It may not accomplish anything, but it does put you on the moral high ground. If this guy had even an ounce of ethics or moral values it might make him feel a little guilty. But chances are he is pondscum. Then there might be some benefit in him talking about the letter with your wife, which, if she has any scruples, might make her feel just a tinge of guilt.

That said, nothing I could say to my wife's OM would deter him in the least. And he promptly told her everything I said to him even though I asked him not to.

Not sure it would generate any feelings of guilt and that's why I stuck to the point and didn't pass ANY judgement on him or her. I stuck to the facts (as I see them) and hope he might respond. If I can get a response, that means I have his attention.....

Yes. But my point is the facts should make any normal person feel guilty. He is threatening your family.

Most of the time the OM will tell himself that if you want to stop the affair you need to talk to your wife, it's not his fault she is pursuing him.

I believe that is the way they think.

That is correct. I confronted him once on D-Day and he said that we needed to work things out as he wasn't involved.

Well, I sent the e-mail yesterday. No response although I don't expect one. She spoke with him a couple of hours after I sent it but I don't know if he had checked his e-mail before they spoke as her mood hadn't changed in any way after that time. I'll keep all posted over the coming weeks, months. It's going to be a long, hard road. I've exposed myself at every turn here with great risk. I can only hope that things will work out.

Thanks for listening.....

BS

Update....I received a call yesterday from the OM. He said that he had just read my e-mail and wanted to talk. He said it struck a chord with him. I explained the "addiction" thing and how no contact will eventually lead to recovery and he understood that he had to basically dissapear from the face of the earth, change his phone numbers, block her e-mail address and refuse to communicate with her in any way forever.

This is when it got interesting. He is a divorced father of two. His entire family is in Illinois and he has been living in CA for a few years.

He said that he no longer has a job and is out of money and basically broke (you know where this is going right??). He said that his sister gave him a plane ticket to come home and he was considering it but wanted to stay in CA. He also said that if he came "home" it would be worse for me as they would probably continue the affair and I would expect that my marriage would be over. I told him that I wanted him to dissapear, he asked for my "help" as he needed funds to remain in CA so, guess what, he basically extorted 5k from me with a "promise" to end the relationship and dissapear.

As you can tell, I am desperate and will stop at nothing to save my marriage. I can only hope he holds up his end of the bargain and will dissapear although I told him I want his phone numers and contact information where I would "trust but verify".

This is only part of the story as the WW and I sold our home (the D was still on until a couple of months ago in fact, out trial date was scheduled for June 7th and 8th. She came to me just about the time our house was sold and wanted to work on our marriage so, we decided that we would move forward with the sale of the house and begin anew. Well, we just moved into the new house. Not quite as big but an upgraded address with a playground and in-ground pool. While I was talking to the OM, I got the distinct impression that he didn't know that we had bought a new home and in fact, he didn't which led him to say that she was playing both of us. I also explained that we told the kids that we were working on our marriage, not getting a divorce (I dropped my petition and she put he counter-petition on hold with a status conference with the judge in October) and told the kids. This whole thing has taken some very strange tirns for sure. I have taken so many risks, I hope they work out. Sorry for rambling pray for my kids, pray for me please.....

BS

You admit to being versed on the principals here, but claim they are hard to put into practice because of your "impatience" ... although your wife has been in an A for a year?

Paying off the OM ... is ridiculous... and placing too many eggs in that basket.

The OM... could die tomorrow...and that won't do a damn thing to fix your marriage.

It's NOT the OM that's the problem...

You're looking in all the wrong directions, placing far too much time and energy in the wrong areas.

I hope you really read the site AGAIN...and understand the principles...and put some of the plans into practice.

If not... you'll be $5000 lighter in the pocket... he may not go anywhere...and if he does..unless you fix what led your W down this path to begin with... he'll be replaced with a newer model...maybe this time...someone closer to home.

I'm sorry this is your plight ...

I've been in Plan A for a few months but have also allowed myself to become a doormat. I don't know what to do at this point as I am completely overwhelmed and out of cycles to deal with this on a rational level. I've contemplated the easy way out several times and have been very close even in the last week or so but, my kids need a father.....

I am so emotionally damaged, I don't know if I can continue.....It really hurts

TTT

Hi BS,

Please tell us that you are not considering given the scumbag a dime, OK? You cannot trust him to honor any agreement, you know that!

How would your WW feel if she knew OM was offering to sell his stake in their relationship? Have you told her about his response?

Hang in there! Bribery is not part of the MB concept... and if it were effective I'm sure it would be! Please take care- Dru

Don't give him a penny!

You DO know that extortion is illegal and if you have the email he sent you, you now have legal grounds on him.

Never negotiate. NUKE