I am out of any other cognative resources to deal with this. A couple of weeks ago she was on the phone with him outside, I had one of the worse panic attacks I've ever had, went into my gun safe, sat on the floor with a gun to my head and cried for 15 minutes.....

^^^ Please HELP! I am about to disclose this to the WW and not sure if I should.

Yes, you should. And you will be ok. As long as the A is alive, your M has no chance. Your goal is destroy the A if you can. And telling your ww will help in that end, although she will blame you nonetheless. However, she would have to wonder what kind of man is OM if he is willing to take your money like that.

By the way, why don't you call the Harleys?

Bro, are you AD? Are you seeing an IC? If not, please consider doing so.

P.s. Your ww is not worth giving your life for. Your wife, yes. Your ww, never. You are not dealing with your wife right now, but your ww. Try to remember this.

I believe that if I tell her, she will be on the phone with her attorney and continue with the divorce. What good will any of this do???

Why don't you? You need extra strength help right now and you need it quick. MAKE THE CALL RIGHT NOW. Leave a message. Don't worry about doing anything until you get the help you need. You must be clear headed in this. Not confused or emotional. It's OK to wait until you have a plan.

Breathe.

Again.

No really. Do it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nothing's going to change from now until Monday.

In the mean time survive. Post here. Go see a friend. A movie. Whatever. You don't have to figure out the rest of your life in an hour. I tried doing that and drove myself nuts.

Read up on affairs. That helped me. Educating yourself and understanding the dynamics helps. All the articles on this site, if you haven't already. Surviving an Affair. Not Just Friends.

Know that YOU are going to be OK whether you WW is in your life or not. Because you're self-aware enough to post here for change. YOU are going to be OK Spud.

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I called our MC and told him about the letter, phone conversation and the money. I wanted to give him a heads up that she hasn't been honest with him from day 1 as she originally started with our MC with IC sessions.

I am hanging in there since we've just moved, we have a ton of things that need to be done around the new house so, it keeps me busy and my anxiety at bay. MDC, you said it best that I will be OK regardless of the outcome, I just need to accept that fact (once again) and continue working on my own behaviors that need change.

BS

Just an update. Spoke to the OM a few times over the weekend, he tried to call her a couple of times but we were together so, they couldn't have "the conversation". He called me last night and said he would try again, which he did and they spoke for about 30 minutes. I made sure I was out of her line of sight and afterwards I could tell she had been crying, she went upstairs and took her contacts out and had her glasses on.

Not sure what any of this means as I really don't know what the topic of conversation was and if it was a final goodbye. I will follow up today with a call to OM to get a feel for what was discussed.

If NC can truly be established, I believe our marriage has a chance.

Thanks for listening...

BS

Well, It's been 5 days and NC (which really doesn't mean much at this point). So far so good, however, this is where my question comes in. Is it still considered NC if the WW calls the OM and he doesn't anwser? Remember, this is a long distance thing and the primary mode of communication is her cell phone.

Their last real call was on the 12th where said it was over but I saw a 3 minute call (she called him) on the 14th which may or may not been an actual conversation as she could have just left him a long VM. Anyway, I noticed she called him again yesterday (the 19th) but it went to VM (it was a 1 minute call and a sure bet that he didn't anwser) so is this still considered NC???

He will not speak to her or return her calls but she persists which I suspect is due to withdrawl. Worse case, I assume the calls are connecting and they are speaking but that isn't their typical calling pattern.

Opinions, comments...

BS

Ummmm...yeah, if your WW tries to call OM, I think that qualifies as breaking NC. The length of the call or if it goes to voicemail or not is irrelevant - her INTENT was to talk to him.

Wouldn't that be part of the early withdrawl phase? She never committed to NC and I don't suspect she will until she (finally) realizes that he will not speak to her or contact her. I'm guessing that this will go on for many months.

Another update. WW just sent another e-mail to the OM pleading for him to come "home" so they can spend all of their time together. Remember, WW NEVER committed to NC but OM has (although under strange circumstances). What do I do? To the best of my intel (and it's VERY good at that), all communications are one way from her to him but none the less, it's still contact. I'm not sure what to do. Plan A is in place for the last few months and plan B, well, I am struggling with how or if I will do it at all.

I feel so lost and confused. I just want to go to sleep and have someone wake me when it's all over whatever the outcome.

TTT. I guess I've worn out my welcome here......I am looking for any help possible here. words of encorgement, suggestions, rants, anything. I am completely lost and don't have any idea of how to find my way.

One breath at a time!!! Yes, this is "her crisis". She needs to get through this on her own.

Yes, but how do I pass the time? This has got to be the most difficult thing I've ever dealt with in my life and I don't know if I can cope. I've tried everything. I feel that she doesn't want to "get through it" as for her it's easier to just run away and enjoy the fantasy rather than anwser the difficult questions or deal with her own internal issues.

Right now, at this moment, I would rather just move forward with the D than deal with the reality of the situation. Is this wrong? I've done a LOT of stupid things over the last few months but I guess I'm just holding on to the "hope" that things will get better at some point.

1) Call the Harleys.

2) Go to Plan B. Now. What do you have to lose? Why would you to Plan D without trying Plan B first.

3) Go to Plan B. (did I already say that?) It will give you the strength to keep going and get her affair out of your face.

4) Go to Plan B.
Mulan

Mulan,

There are some problems with plan B in my situation. First, there is a divorce action filed in the courts. It's on a status hold right now but active none the less. We were literally almost ready to sign the papers and had agreed to the custody, visitation and financial arrangements. We only needed to sign on the dotted line to make it official. Our trial date was set for June 7th and 8th.

If I move out on a plan B, this puts my custody/visitation rights very much in jeopardy as I believe she would just move forward with the D and claim I abandoned the family. So, plan B in the proper sense isn't possible unless there is some case law somewhere out there in illinois stating otherwise.....

Do not move out!

I have no intention of moving out. That's why plan B isn't possible. The 180 plan is the only way. In fact, since WW has poked her nose out of the fog now and then, I've not been focusing on myself or the kids as much as I was a short few months ago.

BS,

You've paid $5000 to the OM to disappear from your life. As you can see, the problem isnt with the OM, he could have been anybody, the problem is with your W.

If you can spend $5000 on OM, you can call the counceling center for VERY SPECIFIC advice on how to proceed, at this point. My guess would be they'd suggest you doing a STELLAR Plan A and COMPLETE elimination of your LB's, but I'm only guessing. Plan B works best if it follows a great Plan A.

Too many issues here. We are not professionals. Call the center, you'll get 100% personalized, custom, specific advise for YOUR situation. EVERYthing I've read from people who called was positive. They felt better, and they had a specific PLAN. You're twistin in the wind here. Make the call - Dru