Dru,

You know, I actually realize that. Even if this guy really does dissapear of the face of the earth (which is exactly what I told him to do) there will be another somewhere, sometime that WW will latch onto. I've been in plan A for sometime I spoke the SH sometime ago but agree that he may help me deal with the situation better. I'll schedule something today.... Funny, my anxiety didn't affect me as much as it would have in the past when I saw that e-mail this morning. The more I think of it, I knew it was coming, her pleading and begging for another hit of the "drug" just like a crack ******. Thanks and I'll keep all updated....

Barking-

I guess I should start here....since this is the last thread.

I've been where you are......everything seems a life and death decision........it's not. If you can somehow curb the urgency you feel, you'll be better off.

I unfortunately, have a lot of experience in this department......I was somewhat like you, it's hard to listen to advice because you want the problem fixed YESTERDAY. It will not happen that fast. This is a marathon....not a race. You have to have endurance.

Has OM continued to not talk to her since the payoff???

As far as the question you asked me when she threatens to proceed with the divorce........she's doing that to buffalo you into submission, it's a scare tactic.....I don't know that I'd answer her at all......just let it slide like you didn't hear it.

STOP all relationship talk between the two of you. Don't ask her if she's maintaining NC don't ask her what she wants..... You have to BE the person you were before this happened.

Were you a doormat before the A? Probably not. The person you are right now is not demanding respect. This is something I learned the hard way.....one day I woke up and realized HEY....I'm this whining, crying, suicidal mess that is hanging on his every action..........why on God's green earth would anyone find that attractive???!! It wasn't me, and I'm sure it's not you either.

FIND YOURSELF......................you have to come to the realization that you WILL be okay.....whether your marriage is saved or not.

Start doing things on your own........Ya wanna know why the going to church made her mad? She didn't know where you were.........You need to make plans and do things on your own, when you are with her try to fill her needs, but DO NOT let her treat you like a doormat. DO NOT let her disrespect you.

God Bless,

-Caren

My intel says he has not returned any of her communication. She's sent him a few e-mails and left him a few messages and he's not responded. If he sticks to it, I will have bought some time to continue Plan A and begin marital recovery.


OK. I guess I'm OK there as I don't respond.


Yes, I've lost some momentum. I do not ask ANY questions related to the A especially anything related to ongoing contact. I leave that up to our MC.



I am treading on doormat territory here. I need to be a bit more focused on myself again. As you said, I was not a doormat prior to the A. I need to figure out a happy medium between fulfilling her EN's and focus on becoming that person she will respect and admire once again. I just can't seem to figure that one out though. I'm always open to suggestions here.

Good Boy!!!

I need to find that CarolHK thread on her 180, since you're interested in that....lemme look and I'll post it here.


God Bless,

-Caren

Read this thread. I think you'll find it very useful:

CarolKH - 180

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren,

Thank you for the link! It is indeed helpful. I only see one problem I face implementing any type of 180 plan, she will turn it around on me with anger and retaliation. Just like when I would go to church at all hours, she will get angry...I'm thinking I am a conflict avoider. I really don't like any type of conflict especially relationship oriented.

Now what I think of it, I remember those nights when I was a kid, my mother and father would get in knock down drag out fights screaming and yelling at each other. When I got older two of my best friends got married and several years after they began fighting just like my mother and father I remember one night we were out to dinner, they began arguing about something and I broke down crying asking them to please stop fighting.

So, perhaps this is something that is affecting my ability to do a good 180 or face the music (so to speak) when the WW gets angry because I'm having fun and she is miserable.

Barking-

She is going to be mad at you NO MATTER WHAT?!?! She sees you as a roadblock to her happiness (which she thinks is OM)......you have to try something, you can't be afraid of her anger...........just think of it this way........the WS gets angry even when you're being very sweet......just let it go Barking.........Just let it go.

You have to MAN UP here..........YOU are the only one who can save this marriage right now. Are you willing to do the work and listen to us?

God Bless,

-Caren

-Caren

Barking,

You have to let your fears go! There is nothing to fear here. What you fear has already happened. What you are trying to do is reverse what has already happened. It can be done, but you have to stop being afraid.

Please look for the thread Owning your own Village. Talk to LA and aske her if she will help you with the exercises in that thread. I think it will help you a lot. Please try it.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/fav...amp;postmarker=

I am shocked at this thread.
First of all... when did you have your testicles removed????
I am blunt about that because I think you need a 2 x 4 to the back of your head right now.
Your W needs to know about his extortion. The police need to know about his extortion. If your W decides to leave you because you are trying to save your M and if she still loves a pond scum pos after he extorted you, then I say let the woman go. If she does these things she is not worth anything.
Next... get on the phone to the police today. Eventually this dirt bag will come back to you for more money. And he knows you will pay. You are acting in one of the most irrational and self destructive ways that I have ever seen.
Get yourself some professional help regarding your suicidal thoughts. Imagine that your daughter came home and told you her H was acting in a fashion like your W. What would you advise her to do??? Stay with the creep or kick his [censored] to the curb.
Start acting like a man and perhaps you will get the respect that you deserve. NOW!!!!!! Today. Gat on the phone with the police. Immediately. Get on the phone with the Harley's.
Stand up and be counted or just get divorced. No other options are reasonable. Be a man.

Caren, Eagle,

I understand the let go thing however, it's my fear that I have a hard time dealing with. It's EASY to say "Man Up" but it is ME that has to do it and I'm having a REAL HARD TIME with this. I will not give up trying (as I've told the WW) but it will take time for me to understand my own feelings enough to "face the music".

While I'm here, can I get some suggestions on how to handle my current situation? I am currently out of town on business for the week. I am in meetings most of the day but can't wait to talk to the WW. Should I cool it a bit here? Should I just call a couple of times a day to check on the kids after she picks them up from day camp?

I've been pretty consistant sending her love notes and quotes of the day. Just something to express my feelings and desire to have a great marriage, she doesn't respond and I've asked her in the past if they are OK with her and she says yes so, the fog can get cut through once in awhile.

Thanks in again for all the support.

BS

Exactly what law has been broken here? The only thing tying me to him is a phone call record, and bank account deposit into his personal account. I'm no attorney but I'm guessing I'd be hard pressed to find a states attorney to file charges of....What, Blackmail? Extortion?

I discussed this with SH just last Thursday and he agreed that I bought myself some time if (and only if,) he sticks to the agreement and stays away. As others have said and I 100% agree, this is about the WW and NOT THE OM. I need time, time to get through the fog of her fantasy. Sure, I could just proceed with the D and leave her with all her personal issues she refuses to deal with. I'm OK with being a single dad but the work still needs to be done. The WW may well have another A if she doesn't do the work on herself to figure out what it is she wants from life. She is truly in a full blown crisis of identity and needs to figure out who she is if our M is to survive.

I don't deny that the payoff was a stupid thing to do however, it's bought me a month so far and the WW no longer has her drug dealer to give her a "fix" whenever she wants. She must deal with reality. She's now in withdrawl and has a long way to go.

What's done is done, I cannot change the past but I can change my behavior to ensure I don't react in a stupid manner then next time something like this comes up.

BS

Barking-

Your behavior is self destructive. If you look at it that way, maybe you can make a change.

The things you are doing are sealing your fate.

Do you want to be divorced? Because your behavior towards your WW is taking you on a quick road to that end.

You HAVE to listen, if you do not listen to us, and cannot implement the things we are saying, then don't be surprised when you end up divorced.

You realize that while it's easy for us to tell you to MAN UP......that we've been there, we REALIZE it's not easy, but once you start doing it, and start seeing results, it gets easier.

You have to remember that I was in your position, and I know how you feel..........Implementing the MB plans will mean going against what you "feel" is the right thing to do.....you can't trust your feelings at this time, you have to try to disregard them and just TRY what we are telling you to do. Otherwise..........just give up now.

Just give up, just let your wife be with the OM, just let your marriage be ripped apart.............because that's what your behavior is leading to.

God Bless,

-Caren

P.S. STOP SENDING HER LOVE LETTERS WHILE YOU ARE GONE. How about you call and talk to the kids, and don't even bother talking to her. Call Once a day, to see that your kids are okay, and hang up with them. Your professions of love are falling on deaf ears..............it's futile and shows her that you are still her wishy washy doormat.

Okay, let me first start off by saying that I am retired law enforcement. Sorry if you did not know that.
MANY laws have been broken here. Extortion. Federal laws have been viloated including use of interstate communications to commit a felony... etc.... there is a lot that can be done.
Don't act so stinking smart as to what can or cannot be done. Obviously you have some serious issues with thinking straight right now. If SH said that you did the right thing and did not suggest that you call the police then he is a complete fool. I don't believe he said that... I think you heard what you wnated to hear.
If you wnat sound advice as to how to proceed... then ask for it... but stop rationalizing your behaviors. They are beyond ridiculous. I am one of the most supportive people for BS on these boards. I have a hard edge for WS and some FWS... but you are bringing this on yourself and refusing to stand up and be counted.
You ignored the question about your child... what would you do????

Caren,

I am NOT giving up and letting her go to the OM. I don't understand??? I don't talk about our marriage to her nor do I push for her to do the work to rebuild our relationship. I think in the last 3 months I may have brought it up twice and only in the context of how I feel and how much hurt I have inside. I'll stop the love notes and call once a day.

I think withdrawl is really setting in as she's been in a funk since the weekend and on Saturday, she came to me in the early afternoon and asked if I wouldn't mind if she went over to her girlfriends house to visit. I responded with a simple question "Sure, no problem, what's going on?" She got immediatly agitated and I left it at that. I figured she was going to go, and my 7 y/o daughter said "I want to go with you mommy" well, that did it, she got more agitated and said "forget it, I'm not going" Now, my mind was really going at that point and it made me think that she was going to meet the OM but I know they haven't been in contact and she was talking to her GF for awhile and even spoke to another GF asking her if she wanted to come along so, I suspect she just wanted to be alone and maybe have a heart to heart with her GF's.

Well for the rest of the day she was very detached and distant, I left her alone for awhile and finally approached her and asked her why she was so agitated. She replied "because of you! I feel like a prisoner here!" I said that I asked a simple question as to what was going on, I didn't care if she went to her GF's. I took the opportunity to explain to her about the triggers that affect my behavior and things like this (asking at the last minute to go out and when asked about it, getting angry that I asked like there is something to hide), I went on to explain that when triggers occur my stomach starts tightening up and I feel like I want to throw up and then crawl into bed and go to sleep. I told her it hurts like nothing I've ever experienced. I don't intend to make her feel like a prisomer, I just don't trust her anywhere near how I did 12 months ago. I didn't expect a response although her eyes teared up and she didn't say a word. These are the things I'm dealing with at this point.

Makeveryday,

I'm not trying to act smart. I don't have a clue although I know for sure that if I were to persue charges against the OM, the D would be on for sure and that is NOT what I want.

Please understand that I feel that ANY action I take will be met with the WW calling her attorney and continuing the path to divorce. I feel that I am being held hostage until the October status update where the decision is made to either go forward with the D or drop it.

I FREELY ADMIT that I acted foolishly and should have ignored his innuendo. I played right into his hands and suspect that was his intention from the start.

To anwser the question about my daughter, if she came to me and her H was acting the way my WW was, I'd tell her to dump him on the spot!

Thanks for the tough love. I really need it right now.

Just wanted to chime in again.

Barking I KNOW these things are hard to hear........I've been there.

People told me "You will be okay with or without your WH" I couldn't see that. I thought I would wither and die without him. I now know, this is not the case.

You don't value yourself as a person. You are buying into what your wife thinks about you. Well maybe I did hurt her, maybe she was justified in having the *A*.....etc.

You are currently headed straight for divorce.

You keep saying,,,,I am fine with being a single father.....who are you trying to convince, us or yourself?

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren,

I struggle with your question every hour of every day. I'm really not sure if I can anwser it. So, if I understand this correctly, I should just live my life as if she doesn't exist? This is so hard, I understand the words but don't know how to turn the words into actions. I don't have much self respect at this point as I've made some really bad decisions in the last few months. It surely seems that things were so much better when I was sure of the path (which was divorce). I've lost much momentum and need to get it back.

None if what you (and others) are telling me isn't particurarly hard to hear as it's the truth. I am not afraid of the truth, I am just having a hard time getting on the path to make things right and rebuild my marriage.

But Barking...........we're giving you the path.

No, I'm not suggesting that you act as though she doesn't exist. But by calling and only talking to the children instead of her, you will be making HER wonder.

It's high time for her to wonder what's going on with YOU. If you make positive changes, act as though her actions don't affect you, and that you are going to live your life.....she'll start to wonder.

Be happy when you see her, buy yourself some new clothes, plan some things without her, that you just go and do by yourself, and if you can't find anything to do.......get all spiffed up and go somewhere alone.....you don't need to explain where you're going, just say "I'm going out, talk to you later."

ALSO........plan some family things, like taking the kids to the zoo, invite her to go......if she declines....that's fine, you and the kids will have fun anyway.

You see WS's assume that the BS will engage in the same seedy activities that they do...........don't do them, of course, but she can wonder in her WS mind what's going on.......this will percipitate her coming around and realizing she doesn't want to lose you.

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren,

OK, so, I WAS doing all of those things. When we got back together and stopped the D proceedings, I stopped and focused all my attention on the R and her. Again, I think I messed up and should have continued my inward focus. I will begin again albeit slowly.....

Look, bottom line... if you want your M to fail... continue acting as you have been.
If you want any chance to succeed... pick up the phone... call the police...and start acting like a man.
YOU are driving your M into a ditch. YOU. You are the first BS I have ever said that to. It is YOU that is driving this M to a place where it will never recover.
So, start with small steps and go from there. Call the police. If you lose your W over this.... trust me... she was already gone. If you can't bring yourself to do anything to at least try and make it work... why are you here? There are people that come to this site that need help saving their M... then there are people that come here and want to just tell that sad story and have everyone feel bad for them. While I do feel bad for what you are going through...I am not here to just be a shoulder to cry on. The time for your whining is through... stand up and do something or at least admit that you like being treated like a doormat and live with it.
Sorry to be so blunt... but frankly you need it and a whole lot more. First it was... what can I do... no one will prosecute... then I define the laws for you based on my professional experience and you come up with excuse numebr 1000. Get off your [censored] and do something or just stop talking about it.

Mkeveryday,

Where will pressing charges get me? I fully intend to persue this path if he resumes contact. Please understand I'm not making excuses, I'm only making a trade off to gain an edge so to speak. Trust me, I know my WW and even on a good day in the best time of our M she would turn tail and RUN from dealing with issues like these so, if I persue charges my M is indeed over and if contact resumes, I'm done charges will pe pressed and I will tell WW all. When I explained the payoff to SH, he didn't approve but said that if anything it bought me some time which is what we need.

I'm not shunning the advice from all here, only trying to understand how to implement the words as I've said.