Hi everyone,

Been lurking these past few weeks; a mixture having not much to report and feeling like I don't have much to contribute to others.

Well. It looks like this is it. On Monday it was one year that we were separated, which is the legal requirement here before you can file for D. Many months ago, WH told D18, "I will not stay married to your mother for one second longer than I have to", so I've been expecting it, even though it was a WS's words and we're not meant to take them seriously. And I've been expecting it, even though it's been over 48 hours now since I could have got these papers and it's rather more than the "one second longer than he had to".

Well, tonight I get home late, and my daughter's looking really down. Why? She can't tell me. She's promised not to tell. So I guessed, and guessed correctly: he's filed. He told her in a torrent of tears. "Believe me, I didn't want it to be this way. You know I still love your mother... You'll find it hard to believe that I didn't want this, because a have a 'friend'..."

I took it on the chin, but after a little while it hit me. And I KNEW it would hit me because I could never have prepared for it, but all the same, I'm reeling now. This is so, so, SO unnecessary. And so final. I know that supposedly there are couples that reconcile after D, but I don't know any.

And you know what WH did tonight? He sent over a newpaper article with S16 when S16 came over to visit. I looked at it, and you know what it was? It was an article about the closing of this really legendary hotel here. It just so happens it's the hotel where we spent our last proper weekend together, a beautiful, unforgettable weekend, when we were still in love and before the aliens kidnapped him. WHAT IS HE TRYING TO DO TO ME WITH THIS? At first I thought it was a coded message, you know, like, "It's the end of an era for the hotel, and also for us" but then I remembered what Mimi said about WSs thought processes not being anywhere near that complex. And then the only conclusion it left me is that he's just trying to mess with my mind. Why why why why why would be do this?

I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know anything any more.

How long do you have to respond to the filing?

I haven't got it yet. But in my part of the world I don't even have to sign the papers (and I won't). All that's necessary for him to do is to prove we've been separated for a year, and that's easily done.

I was just thinking about you and wondering what's going on with you YESTERDAY.

Let's talk AFTER you get the papers.

Let's hold our breaths until then...

OK, OK. But... what is he meaning to do by sending that article? Can he really be that horrid? He KNEW what I'd be thinking of! HE KNEW!!!

Who knows? Maybe somewhere deep inside him is some sentimental longing to return to the past.

But I wouldn't think it was done intentionally to hurt you.

Could be, Hiker, but I've been in Plan B for five months now, and this kind of communication is well out of order. Also, he kinda has a history of trying to engage me, and get a reaction of me. So I don't know. It just strikes me as SO cruel.

Hi RT,

I'm sorry.

Never assume malice when stupidity will suffice

...a phrase that has helped me throughout my mess. I dont get the feeling your H is that deep, either. You will survive this, you know it! I'm sorry this has to be so hard. Please take care - Dru

Thanks Dru. I can't believe I'm laughing! I've been crying for like, four hours now, but your phrase made me laugh.

Glad I could help! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Can you get out and do something different and a little fun, today? Lunch with a friend, movie after work, something? Shake things up a bit? I hate to think of you crying all day - Dru

RT, the romantic wayward spouse lives in a world of make-believe, where we nobly suffer as forces beyond our control direct our lives unexpectedly.

He's saying, "Farewell my darling. We'll always have Paris."

He has no idea how much this hurts you. He expects you to be on the same page. From his perspective, it's not a demand. He simply can't conceive of any other way. He doesn't realize it's all a trick he plays on himself to get out of having compassion for you.

RT, I'm real sorry.

GC

Hi RT,

I think both Dru and GC hit it on the nail....

if you need to cry, how about giving yourself a time limit.... I suggest wasting as little 'mental energy' as possible on a WS..... I am sure you can find a more 'productive' way of investing that energy on YOURSELF.....

I am also really sorry about your situation...

((((((((((((((((((((((RT)))))))))))))))))))

RT,
Are you getting the kind of help from God that you would like to be getting? Do you know he's there looking after you?
Can you feel it when you pray?

SS

I'm so sorry RT.... It's so frustrating to see them make decisions that are so obviously wrong and will NOT bring them happiness in the long run. I guess their fog-clouded minds can't wrap themselves around concepts we can see so clearly. Please take care and be okay.

Dulce

p.s. so sorry I haven't emailed you in so long -- I don't remember how much I told you, but there have been updates.

Thanks Dru. Can't shake things up too much because I'm studying for exams at the moment, but I put on my brightest red lipstick to face the day today. Does that count? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I won't be crying all day, promise.


Gray, this makes a LOT of sense. Thanks so much for such a good explanation. I'm not sure whether this is *the* explanation, but I guess it doesn't matter really. I just needed something other than the bewilderment, because it really pushed my buttons. I mean REALLY pushed my buttons.


Good idea about the time limit, Lunamare. I've done this before, and it's worked well. What I REALLY want to do is stop wasting mental energy on the man. But you know... HOW? I've been living with this for over a year now, and I feel like, "Get out of my head already!" I'm keeping busy, but even swatting for exams and trying to cram in lectures on Structure and Semiotics isn't helping. :-/


Absolutely, SS. I don't feel alone , or abandoned by my Father, and I feel the peace of knowing *it's going to be OK* regardless. But I am very sad. I guess I've gone into mourning. Again! Yet again.

Thanks again everyone, I feel really knocked around and exhausted and really appreciate your input, thoughts, and prayers. I guess like Mimi said, I've got to wait until I've got the papers in my hand, so I've got to hold on until then. I doubt he won't go through with this, though. He's done things to get a reaction from me before, but he didn't tell *me* he's filed. He told our daughter. Which tells me this isn't something to get a reaction from me, it's something he's intending to follow through on.

Do you have an attorney to fight for you in family court?

I do, Longhorn. I doubt it'll get to court though. We have a no-fault D here (and only one signatory is necessary for it to go ahead) and custody won't be an issue. We have an 11 y.o. special needs child who would be just too much hassle for WH whose life revolves around work (always, forever and ever; we have ALWAYS been second and third in his life) and of course The Dodo (ie. OW). He has been such a deadbeat of a father this year that no judge in his or her right mind would award him custody; WH knows this and would not even try. Even as he's accused me of "emotional abuse", he has somehow found it within him to submit his own children to me with minimal input for 18 years, and particularly this last year. Financially, things are looking good. I have a specialized lawyer and he's a bit of a barracouda. Not that I intend to get nasty, but the L told me that if WH tries to run or do the wrong thing, he WILL get him.

Dulce, I'd love to hear from you when you have the time. I'd be interested in your updates.

Absolutely, SS. I don't feel alone , or abandoned by my Father, and I feel the peace of knowing *it's going to be OK* regardless. But I am very sad. I guess I've gone into mourning. Again! Yet again.

I'm glad you have that peace, it's worth a lot. (As you already know.)

I would guess you feel like my W - who once said "I know I can do it, I know I will do it, but I HATE HAVING TO DO IT, SOMETIMES I WANT A REST."

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Hope your B, and RS pres are helping.

SS

Thanks, SS. And yes, they are. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Everyone, can I get a few opinions please? WH and I haven't yet divided our assets and it looks like this will happen with the D. I'm fine with this. But you know what REALLY annoys me and has done for some months now? WH left all the drawers of his bedside table absolutely full. I want them empty. I just want to upend them all into a box and send it to him. Would this break with Plan B?

dump crap into box

leave written message (email OK ... but keep a copy and bcc to your attorney)

your crap in box on front porch

then

just leave it there

if the crap is not picked up in (set time)

offer it to some shelter

or just toss it