Just read a post by Hiker45, his quote below:

Exposure can help, but it has its own drawbacks. It is definitely a "love buster," albeit often a necessary one. Another drawback is that "publicizing" the affair may tend to make the betraying spouse accept what they believe to be the inevitable outcome of the affair, separation and divorce. They ask themselves, "How can we ever restore our marriage when everyone knows what I did?" "How can I ever face the family of the betrayed spouse?"


I wonder how many WS feel that way and that's why they don't want to continue the M. Perhaps that's why mine won't end his A.

Hey catgirl. I just read your reply on Hikers thread and I didn't want to hijack it.

I have not exposed my WS affair to my side of the family except my sister who is my lifeline.

I did expose to his mom and sister and their lives are such a mess they basically said well keep in touch with us ( after he and I have had 17 years together).

I don't know your story and I am brand new to this whole thing but if you fell like talking I am here.

Blind

Um, this logic makes no sense whatsoever...without exposure the affair continues...and THAT's the biggest reason that a WS doesn't want to continue in the marriage...exposure is NEVER the problem, it's the AFFAIR that is the PROBLEM...

Mrs. W

But what do you do when you've exposed, and WH could care less who knows.

He even took OW to his mother's house for dinner, so she's no help to me.

He doesn't care who knows. He's happy with her.

Hi Mrs. W,
Why would I expose his A to my family? Then I will have to deal with his A and my family telling me to give up on my relationship which I am not ready to do yet.

I have already exposed to everyone that could have made a difference
Blind

Cat, I am right there with you.

Maybe someone more experianced can tell us what do do when no one cares but us the BS.
Blind

I have told my family. They tell me to get rid of him. I deserve better.

Somedays I want him, other days I can't even look at him knowing what sexual things he's done to OW. Makes me sick that he'd betray me and my kids for a person 17 yrs. younger than him.

I'm thinking D. I can't go on much longer with this pain.

catgirl...

I don't know your whole story, so I do not know who you have exposed to...have you exposed the affair on the OW's side of the fence? Are you married?

blindsided...

Sad as it is to say this to you, you aren't married...you don't have children...17 years or not, exposure just probably isn't going to have the same effect for you...society is not going to view what your SO(significant other) is doing in the same way that they would if you were married and/or had children...Even Dr. Harley advises in a marriage where there is no children that divorce is usually the answer there...I know that you aren't ready to give up...but I am just being honest with you...I think that's why you have found it hard to have others post a lot to you...the situation is just much more difficult when there is no legal marriage...perhaps others here will disagree with me and have further advice for you...

Mrs. W

Yes I am married with children.

Have exposed to OWH, they are getting a D anyway.

Exposed to WH family. Mother entertained them for dinner, so she's no help.

Exposed to his friends and co workers. They figured something was going on, but apparantly have no impact on WH.

I think this OW is making him feel young, I think he's in a mid life crisis. By emails I read, they are having sex like rabbits, so why would he want to come back to the W and kids and responsibilities?

I've done plan A. Got myself together as best I could, don't tknow if plan B will do anything. As I said he told me yesterday to get used to him being in his own apt. That tells me they are living happily there and he has no intentions of coming back.

I guess then because my relatinship isn't legal that I don't belong here.
Is that what you are saying??
Blind

catgirl...

Good for you on exposure...take heart, many times exposure doesn't have the instant result that you would like, but make no mistake about it, it will have effect...reality is now a part of fantasyland and reality is ruinous to affairs...relationships built on a foundation of sand will NOT last...keep working on you and being the best wife that you can be...how long have you been in plan A...have others here (with experience) given you the advice to go to plan B?


blindsided...

No I'm not telling you that you don't belong here, I'm merely pointing out the elephant in the room for you...doesn't mean I don't have empathy for you...people that care will always tell you the truth...people that don't will lie and mislead you...

Mrs. W

But how do you get WH out of Fantasyland and back into reality?

As I said he is ****** bent on this OW. Taking her here and there out in public, with no regard who sees them. Makes me sick! He's still marrried to me! I read emails and they are talking of a future together. She's old enough to be his daughter, but i guess he likes the attention.

I guess I'm losing hope.

No, no one told me how to do plan B yet.

I'm thinking more of plan D right now.

I know if I don't do it, he will, and I don't think I could handle being served the summons, so maybe I should do it to him first. Yeah it's the spitefulness in me coming through I guess. I just really have had enough.

I truly admire the people here who can do this for months and months and months. It's only been 10 weeks for me since d day and I'm going out of my mind.

thanks Mrs. w
I know what you mean. And I know you mean well.
I guess I have to stand on my own 2 legs instead of any legal ones.
Blind

You've done a lot to help this along with exposure...Are you certain that you've exposed to ALL exposure targets...For instance, is this a workplace affair? If so, have you exposed there? If you have all you can do is be the best YOU that you can be...don't lovebust, etc...



And sometimes this is true and you have to let them run themselves into the ground...and they will...Sounds like your H has an EN for admiration and he has found someone just as soul sick as he is to do that...People almost always "affair down" for that reason...


Sounds like you are running out of steam...My best advice to you would be to call the Harleys to help you get a plan together...Having a plan would help you regain control of your life...Can you and will you call the Harleys?

Mrs. W

blindsided...

Mr. W and I discussed your situation last night...This will be difficult for you to see perhaps, but in your situation you almost have to see this as a blessing...What if you were married and enmeshed with him...Man, let me tell you that's a whole other ballgame...Now you can just walk away...Be friends with him...Use that as part of your Plan A if you'd like...Thank him...Tell him "Whew, I guess I dodged a bullet on this one"...Say, "You know my main requirement for being with someone is that they want to be with me...if that's not you, then I'm glad I found out now"...and then go be the best you that you can be...Mr. W and I think that that may make your SO stop and think...might just be your best bet...Remember, living well is the best revenge...

Mrs. W

Mrs. W.
Yes I believe I have exposed to everyone, even at his work. I told OWH to expose at her work too, but I don't know if he did or not. He didn't seem too interested in making the M work for them.

I do take fault at not always stroking WH ego and I guess she is doing that. Reading their emails you'd think they were in high school!

I wish I was as sure as you of this A dying. I see it going on to a M. He is so involved with her he doesn't even have time for our kids. LB'd about that yesterday. Should't have i know, but so sad that he never sees them, but sees her/talks to her every chance he can get.

I will try and call the Harley's. Don't have much $$ right now, but I will see if I can scrape some together. Do you know how much it is?

I know you and Mr. W are right.
I am just having a lot of trouble digesting that I was the one for so long and In a week of meeting someone else now she is the "forever" one.
It makes it all seem so meaingless.
thanks for your advice.
I didn't mean to be rude.
I just got angry.
blind

Blind,
I hear ya. How can he just discard a W and family to be with some young girl almost half his age, who's M too? Makes me sick to even think of it, but it's done and now it has to be dealt with. Just unfair that he's reaping the benefits for him and we are living in ******.

catgirl...

The Harleys are $185/hr...but worth every penny if you can swing it...

Sadly, you may be right, it could wind up in a marriage...that doesn't mean it won't end though...there are people who have recovered even after that...nothing is impossible...You also have to realize that being an MB success story doesn't always mean saving your marriage...part of this is knowing that you will be okay either way, and you will...

Put out a shout for a poster by the name of JustPeachy...Her H married the OW...practically a little girl...Peachy calls her the Wistress...Peachy's X ain't happy one bit...still cheats on his wife the Wistress...Peachy's got quite a lot of sass-she's made it in spite of all the crap, and you will too...I think that you would be helped by interacting with her...start a thread calling her out...she's a neat lady...

You're gonna make it catgirl...BREATHE and BE STILL...

Mrs. W

I guess because we dont think the way they are it seems so unreal.
I mean This all started for me on 4/01/06 ( april fool's huh)

Then we spent a week fighting ( him lying)
Then The first week in May we had a week long vcation together and had a WONDERFUL time. Laughing , talking, and yes having sex.

He left to go " see family" on 5/10/06 and I have heard from him 2 times since then. Was supposed to come home 5/30/06 didn't, staying another week.

The last conversation we had he said when I get back I am going to make all of the repairs on the house so we cn put it up for sale and move on.

Unbelieveable. I still can't believe that this is all happening.

when did you discover his affair?
Blind