First let me start by saying I am embarrassed that I am in the spot I am in.
Summed up -
I am a 34 yr old man married almost 10 years, have an adopted 14 yr old boy and an 8 yr old boy with my wife.
I play golf too much, take my wife for granted and never used to help with the house or kids.
Obviously we began having troubles a couple years ago. We have gone to counseling t5he last 6 months, she feels she can't do it anymore. I have tried to change in these last 6 months. I do clean, dishes, laundry, cook occasionally, played a larger part in the children and have promised myself and my wife that I will change, and I will. I moved out to my mother's home last week. Now she is going to move into a friends extra home at no charge so that I can come back to our home. She says she needs to spend time away to see if she misses me and wants to come back. I know it is clear what the problem is, but I truly am ready to change. I see what I am going to lose and the trouble it will cause with the entire family. We have no financial or health problems, strictly emotional. i just feel like if I can't talk her into believing that I am willing to make these changes, she is gone. I am a mess and this is killing me. I need to make it right NOW. Please give me any thoughts you may have. We have a wonderful family, but I need her help in deciding that it is worth taking a deep breath and giving it one more chance.
Thank You
Ryan Surprise

I don't have much time right now, but I did want to get a quick response to you. I am certain that others will respond to you soon with stuff like:
Is your wife having an affair?
Have you read any of the books listed on this site?
Stuff like that.

I wanted to respond to this comment you made:


Believe me, this is something we all say and feel in the very beginning. You feel like you can not possibly go on for one more day, one more hour, one more minute. You want to know the secret word, the critical secret that will unlock the door for you, and suddenly you will be able to do or say whatever it takes to bring your spouse back.
But unfortuantly there is not a secret word that will make a quick change. This will take time. it hurts. it sucks. You can't eat, you can't sleep. But it will take time.

Keep in mind one thing. You say that you want to convince your wife you are truly ready to make the necessary changes. Making cahnges is something she will have to SEE with your actions. You can talk about it all you want. But she will need to see it for herself. Ideally, the two of you would be able to live together, and she could see the changes up close.But, even if she does move out, it is still possible for you to show her, by your actions, that you are determined to do what you need to do.

I think that men, especially, want to know how they can get their spouse back right NOW! Today! They are willing to sign any paper, take any action, make any promise,just to stop the pain and start the healing. But this whole thing is going to take time, so hang in there.

Is she planning on taking the children, or leaving them with you?

My original message is severly summed up, she has told me that we were a great team, but just doesn't know what she wants now. She feels her emotional needs have not been met for so long, she doesn't know if she can get them back. I stated I need to fix this now, that may not be the case. I just need her to stop where she is and not get any further away. I will show her that I know what she needs, because over the last year or so I have been listening to her needs and trying. I am 99% sure the is no one else, but I can't be sure. I need to come up with a way to stop this and start over, we are not divorced but it is definitely coming. I don't think she can see the changes that I am willing to make when we are not around each other. Thanks for the help, I truly appreciate it.

She has had the kids the last week, but they will stay in the house with me while she spends some time away.

Hey KC, WomanofFaith did hit on an important point that your name reminds me of. KC as in Kansas City, Missouri, which Missouri is the "SHOW ME STATE".... Talk is cheep and quite frankly after 10 years it don't mean squat.... That all being said something just jumped out at me:


WHAT THE HE!!..... Granted I ain't a head doc and didn't stay at no Holiday Inn last night but this looks like a HUGE red flag to me.... I don't know too many women who leave their babies for any length of time, especially women contiplating divorce because that could be viewed as abandonment and could help you in a divorce case. So the little gears in my head start turning and I ask myself "Self, why would a woman move into a rent-free place for a while without the kiddos...".... Well, I come up with an answer, what do you think? Do you think it's to have alone time to contiplate life journey blah blah blah or do you think it's to have time alone with someone else....? I vote for the latter.....

I think you need to do a little detective work and find out what is truly going on. Heck, it would be worth the $$$ to hire a PI... Don't ask her about it, confront her, or anything else... Just gather information. What does her cell bill look like? What about key logger software? Do you have access to her e-mail? If you find out that things aren't on the up and up, gather evidence and there will be smart ones come along that can help bust it up....

Talk to us a little more about this:


What are the changes you are willing to make?
Are these changes that you have all ready started to make?
What changes have you made this past yaar that she has all ready seen?

Also, I hate to bring this up too many times, but I still worry that there may be an affair lurking in the background somewhere. Perhpas not a full on, physical affair. But at the very least, an emotional affair. The reason my radar is up, is because she wants to move out to "find herself" and she is not sure she can get her feelings back for you.
Many times, that is a sign that she may have feelings for someone else, which makes it hard to re-connect with her spouse. Also, moving out, sometimes - not always - but sometimes a sign that she wants to have a little freedom to pursue other options.
An affair does NOT mean your marriage is over. Many marriages recover from an affair. It is just very important for you to know exactly what you are dealing with, in order to make a plan.

Also - have you read any of the books listed on this site?
His Needs, Her Needs?
Fall In Love, Stay In Love?
Surviving an Affair?

Reading helps A LOT! it helps you to see that you are not alone - others have been through this before - you will survive, and you can come up with a plan!

The type of person she is, I really don't think there is anyone else. I could be wrong but my money is on the good side. She definitely is not abandoning the kids. She will be moving to a place I know very well and she will probably have the kids most of the time. I have been living with my mother right next door. She will end up with the kids if the worst case senario comes true. She is a great mother and a wonderful wife. I know this is a VERY common issue in divorcing people, but it can be fixed. I am not as bad as I made the original post to sound, I just am able to see what she is saying and I want her to know that I will change. I have been cleaning, cooking laundry yard work, etc. Also I try to tell her she is pretty, and that I love her. She still cares, but is tired of being married but single. Coming from her, our main problems are emotional and me not willing to join her with her friends. I am willing to change those as well, honestly.
Again I don't think there is anyone else, at least I hope. I just need a way for her to see that we can be happy again if she just allows me the chance to show her that she means everything to me.
Again, I am very grateful to each of you.