OK, I need a little advice... any input is welcome.

Background - Marriage of 20+ years, no significant problems outside clashing libidos of which I am aware. I am HL, DW is LL.

DW has a male acquaintance (young, good looking, talented, European) from overseas with whom she corresponds on a more or less professional basis. I know she finds him attractive (they have met once), and I do not fault her at all for that - Heck, I'd probably go for him myself if I was gay <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. He would be crazy if he didn't find her attractive as well.

Last week she corresponded with him again for the first time in several months - she did not know I was aware of this (she really isn't very good at covering e-trails and I tripped over it, then tracked things for a while). She then spent a couple of days doing all sorts of research for him, but told me she was doing other things - I gave her ample opportunity to tell the truth by posing some questions, but she lied about it (it was actually frightening to me to see how good she was at lying) several times. Their e-mails are pretty much professional, with only the slightest hint of flirtation. So my big concern was why she was lying about it. I didn't let on or anything over the weekend, but every time I went out of the house, the computer was on and the e-mail checked.

Then today she asked me to do something for her that required some PC knowledge. When I asked what the context was she then blurted out that she needed to send something to "Fabio". No problem I said, and helped her out. Then she got very lovey-dovey and other than the fact that it is "that time", might've dragged me to the bedroom right then.

So - any insight as to why she would not simply tell me what she was up to and why the puzzling reaction today?

My concerns:
1) Dishonesty - My DW is well aware of the fact that I would rather have her be open with me, no matter what. You probably won't believe this, but I would be more comfortable with her telling me flat out that she planned to sleep with someone else this weekend than have her meet someone for dinner and then lie to me about it. In fact, in the past I have been so frustrated with the ML issue that I have confided to her it would be OK if she needed to seek some "re-charging" outside the marriage should she feel that it was required...all I asked was that she be open with me (frankly, I think the ability to share the deep dark thoughts at that level is incredible, but achieved by very few couples).
2) I don't think it would be at all abnormal for something like this to excite a woman, expecially after 20+ years of the same guy, but I am troubled by something she said during our last ML discussion a few months back - "Maybe we would be happier with other people". She didn't say it in anger or anything, just matter-of-factly. I was very upset by the comment but got over it...or so I thought. Now I am wondering if she has harbored those feelings for some time and wanted to bring them out, but backed off when she saw how sad it made me. Am I sitting on a time bomb here?

If I ask her of course, everything is fine.....but now I have discovered how good an actress she can be if she wants...

Yes be worried! If I would have paid attention to all of the signs myself, I would not be going through an my husband having an affair and being in love with that person. Save yourself the pain and agony and address it now before you get hurt worse than you already are.

You should be worried.

The red flags are beginning to wave in the wind. It's typical for the spouse (you) to not see these flags, or to downplay their significance.

This is a huge red flag. Obviously something is wrong here that needs to be addressed. If you just let yourself 'get over it' then you are not solving the problem, you are just ignoring it. You need to talk to her and see why she feels this way, what is she missing from you?

I'm concerned about her lying about doing research for this Fabio fellow. Even if the research itself was harmless, the fact that she lied about it indicates that it has a significance to her that she doesn't want you to know about. Something is being calculated and nurtured in her mind... something that is not healthy.

I'd go full snoop mode. Install a keylogger on the computer. Record phone lines if she uses them to talk. Check up on the cell phone records. Do any and all of these things.

If something is starting up, you have a much better chance of ending it now, while it's still in the beginning. Have you two read His Needs Her Needs? Great book for understanding each other and learning to love each other better.

Thanks for the input!!


Actually, the conversation where that phrase came out was when I was introducing her to the Emotional Needs concepts. She was kind of half-hearted about that...I could tell it was an exhausting experience for her...she reacted the same way I did when my boss used to assign me a task I really didn't want. She insisted that everything was wonderful between us. I had asked her directly and lovingly what I could do to be a better husband.


I don't know that there is anything there to justify that at this point. If I was discovered doing that I think it would be a huge blow to trust. We both work from the home, so it is not like she has the opportunity to conduct a lot of clandestine activity so it might not even be feasable to do that. Thoughts?


She reads endlessly, but relationship-improvement books seem to be at the very bottom of her priority list. She really doesn't think much of them. I have read most of it in Chapters (I was reading a chapter at a time every visit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> )