Not proud of my brief affair. It was 2 months long. And it was with our border of 4yrs. We never had sex but did almost everything else. Told my H and we are working on the marriage. I don't feel like my marriage can be the " innocent, sacred unbroken union" it once was. The guilt is soo bad, unbearable at times. I wish it NEVER happened. <P>------------------<BR>

very Guilty,<BR>Yep, You are right, the innocense and sacred union is broken, also the trust, and security. You have alot of pain to go through but, You have no idea what your H is experiencing. You had a good time, now you feel bad, He is just feeling bad. My advice to you is to take what he will be giving to you in this first stage, don't get mad, don't lash back, don't make him feel any worse, say your sorry EVERY day. Talk about your feelings NOW, remind him how you have always felt about him, don't take anything more away from him then you have, don't give him any detailed pictures to add to his hurt. Be so positive about now that you both will believe it can work. Be patient, be understanding. I magin that person is gone??? Document all your where abouts, talk alot, go everywhere together, call if you will be running late, tell him everything you are doing, go overboard with your info. Let it be your idea to go to counselling and do it together. He will still be wondering if you are sneaking behind his back even with all you tell him. We tend to conjure things up in our minds, (this will help to build trust, but it will take a long time) write him notes, write him letters. Think of all the things that you would want him to do, if you needed to have him prove his love for you. Above all else, I hope you see, even though it took two, this other person also ruined your marriage too, do you feel good towards him for that? Doesn't it change your feelings about this wonderful person. IF you have changed your feeling about him, and if you get to the place that you have bad feelings, or no feelings for him, TELL YOUR HUSBAND and help him know what you feel about the OM now. Then put it in the past. Your efforts that you put into your H and your marriage will fill the void you may be having, give all your feelings to your H, he will know, TIME will help, you can have a strong marriage. I'm so sorry you had to do this, I'm sooooo sorry for your H.<BR>Almost <P>--------<BR>TIME

Thank-you Almost Happy for replying so quickly.I wasn't sure what the reaction would be from people. My H is the BEST MAN ever. He has never once made me feel any worse for what happened, but I know he is hurt. The guilt I have is definitely all I can handle. But the memories are killing me, if I would have known that it would affect me this way, I NEVER would have gotten emotionally involved with him at all. But water under the bridge, right?<P>------------------<BR>

Very guilty,<P>I know exactly where you are coming from. Almost happy gave you some good advice. Take it. I betrayed my wonderful h. 14 years ago and I have to live everyday with the guilt. When it happened to us, h. held everything in. Didn't make me feel guilty in anyway...just loved and forgiven. Little did I know that resentment and bitterness would eventually evovle in him. I think if he would have talked about it...told me what he was feeling so I could adjust to his feelings in some way. Do let your h. know what an incrediable insensitive fool you have been. Tell him you would give up your life if you could take it back. I tell my h. all these things now 14 years later. This, after discovering he turned around and had an emotional affair on me four years after my betrayl. Get counseling. I think that was our big mistake. Whatever you do, know that he is feeling profondly hurt and rejected by you whether he says he is or not. Keep that in mind and do everything you can to show him you love him, that you are sorry and that he is the most important thing in your life. Tell him, you don't want to lose him. Ask him what you can do to show him that.<P>Good luck, Very Guilty. We all make mistakes. Its just that some mistakes haunt us the rest of our lives..mine has.

It sounds like your H is trying to forgive you. That is a wonderful thing, and something to be very thankful for. I agree with the other posters about doing everything you can to build trust (i.e giving explicit detail about your wherebouts, etc.). Show him in even the smallest thing that you are capable of following through with your promises. Be extremely careful to not make promises you cannot keep for even the little actions.<P>The hardest part will not only be regaining your H's trust, but will be regaining trust in yourself. Doing these things will help in that respect and help with your self-esteem. You are lucky that your H is willing to work through this. It is a long, hard process, but it will get better over time. Really, it will.

very guilty and hurting wife, my spirit inside me groaned when I read your posts. My heart aches for you both. Almost Happy gave some good advice. It will take time for your S to get past the affairs and to trust and be secure in your relationships. But 14 yrs.? Why have you not forgiven yourself? You are in bondage to the past. If you have turned from your sin, God has thrown it in the sea of forgetfulness never to be brought up again. Please, Please accept that forgivness and not look back. You have learned from your mistake, let it go. Walk in freedom as Christ hung on the cross for your freedom. Please accept that freedom and don't let the devil bring it up any more. He is the accuser. Ask God to help you forgive yourselves and heal the memories. Plead the precious blood of Jesus over the past and move on to a glorious future. My prayer is that you will know His love for you and accept his freedom from past sins for we have all sinned and fallen short. For if we say we have sinned not, we lie, but know we have a redeemer (to recover,to pay off,to ransom, to make amends or atone for, to restore to favor). His blood was shed so that we might be free if we accept his free gift. Shed the grave clothes of the world and be set free! Don't listen to the accuser. Rebuke him! Never to be reminded of our past. Remind him of his future when he comes to remind you of your past. Say I hear the voice of my Father in Heaven and not that of the enemy. Love God with all your hearts and yourselves! Get your selves free from bondage of the past. Love, peace, and FREEDOM. Ginn

Been there, done that, have the T-Shirt, the hat and the foam finger!<P>Guess what else I have? I have my wedding ring on my finger, my H has his, and we are on our way to becomming a success story <P>I was on anti-deps, anti-anxiety, and stomach pills. I lost 40 pounds during the affair (short like yours, one time full intercourse <blech> ) wanted to die or at least a truck to run over me. H wasn't much better, lost 60 pounds, turned into an empty shell (like our poster here) and I work with the OM. Talk about a recipe for disaster. BUT, GOD WORKS MIRACLES and I believe He did just that for my H and me. <P>It's been one week of bliss after one year of HELL. It can happen, you can learn to forgive yourself, and your spouse can learn to forgive you. There will be set backs, but you can do it.<P>Is the OM out of the picture? Is your H still home (sounds like it)?? Are you in counseling??<P>Best wishes and WELCOME!!<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Almost Happy, hurting wife and Ginn, your advice is wonderful. Believe it or not but my H and I have done the most talking in the last 2-3mo than we ever have in the 12yrs of being together!!!!! We are reading the book "His needs, Her needs" and WOW! What an eye opener! The book is great. Have any of you read it? It is very informative, I would recomend it to anyone. I know that it is going to take time I just hope that the feelings of guilt and regret don't send me off the deep-end. I seem to have more good days than bad but when i have a bad one "Holy Cow does it take me down, to the degree that I'm telling myself that I'm a very weak person and how could I let him talk me into that. Mind you I am very good at beating myself up over anything. The other night I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, my mind just wouldn't stop with all the negative thoughts. I started to cry and my H awoke, which he never has done before when I've cried at night. That really showed me how much more attentive and sensitive he has become since this all came to pass. I am so Thankful to God for the changes we both have made to benefit our marriage, because it wasn't all just me. There needed to be accountability on both sides for the changes to be made. I just need to keep my head above the water, so to speak, try to think positive, and be OK with the fact that the memories are only memories not permanent reality and this has been a benefical thing for the improvement of my marriage. So I should be happy but it's hard.

New beginning, did you really have a whole year of HELL? My goodness you must be a pretty strong person to have worked through it all, that's AWESOME!!! And even when you have to work with OM. That would be the hardest thing to have to deal with. Yes, the border is gone, he left the next day after my H had told the border that I had feelings for him, and what were the borders thoughts on that? The border said he had feelings for me too?!? But I was living a lie because I already knew about his feelings for me and he knew about my feelings for him too. Alot of things were said and done in the heat of it all, but I couldn't be totally honest with my H right away. It took a little while before I could tell H EVERYTHING. But when I did, that was the start of our recovery! My H has to see the OM almost on a daily basis, but Thank God they don't have to speak to each other! I feel very bad for my H to have to be in that position, but it's his job unforunately , I guess as long as they don't talk. H is still at home with me and our 3 children. We are living one day at a time, and trying to make the best of every day. Making each other feel Special, this morning we had "toast by candle light". It was 5am. It made him smile! And he has been having a good day ever since! I hope things continue to get even better for you and your H. Talk to soon.<P>------------------<BR>

Very Guilty,<P>My one year of hell began last year at this time as I was nearing my 40th birthday. I became a cliche. I was looking for a (and I always hate to say this) soul mate <blech> and my H wasn't it. I remember the day in October very well. My H and I were walking into Home Depot and I was telling him about this soul-matey book I'd read and he though it was stupid. At that very moment, that very instant, I fell out of love. The OM began to work in my office shortly thereafter and confessed his "love" for me in March. The whole thing is honestly embarrassing to recount. Last October we had a family picture made. I don't look anything like that anymore. I completely changed everything, including my looks. Lost a lot of weight, grew my hair out, started taking better care of myself - that is until my life blew up in my face. It didn't blow up when my H asked about the OM, it blew up the day I slept with the OM. Looking back, it was the worst day of my life. Yeah, we can all say that I was an idiot and made a huge mistake and I deserved to suffer, and suffer I did. My H went straight to plan B, although we didn't even know about it, and moved out. But we couldn't stay away from each other. The little bit of love left sustained us. We've gone back and forth emotionally for nearly four months now. That's how long the affair has been over. Hate doesn't even come close to what I thought of myself.<P>I am soooo happy that my H and I are working things out. I don't believe those who think it can't be done. It can. <P>I know the pain you feel. It does pass, and you can forgive yourself. God is truly forgiving, and if you are a believer, ask for his forgiveness. It works wonders. And your H can forgive. It's gonna take awhile, but it can happen.<P>Best wishes to you as you continue this journey...<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Thank you all for your encouraging advise. This is very Guilty's H. I would like to respond and give you all my side of the story. It was a very hard and hurtfull thing to go through and I wish it never happened, BUT... in a lot of ways I am glad it happened. The reason for that is it really opened my eyes and showed me how "ignorant" I was to my beautiful wife and children. I was too caught up in my self and didn't care about her or my kids. In all actuality it was me that "drove" her to the OM. For that I guess I am "VERY GUILTY". I have a lot of regrets about that but I have to stop beating myself up over that.....I hope she does too. In my eyes everybody makes mistakes. I can understand that. The hardest thing that I have to do is see that OM,(as my W has told you). The anger that I have towards him is slowly going away but I think it will take a while. In my eyes ANYTHING can be worked out...even an affair. My hat is off to all of you for what you have done to make things work.<BR>As far as telling me how much she is sorry, I think it would be too overwelming if she did it everyday, because I have forgiven her for what has happened. So once again thank you all for all the encouraging advise you have given.<P>Remember: when you say " I do " it is for a life time............very guilty's H<BR>

Thank you all for your encouraging advise. This is very Guilty's H. I would like to respond and give you all my side of the story. It was a very hard and hurtfull thing to go through and I wish it never happened, BUT... in a lot of ways I am glad it happened. The reason for that is it really opened my eyes and showed me how "ignorant" I was to my beautiful wife and children. I was too caught up in my self and didn't care about her or my kids. In all actuality it was me that "drove" her to the OM. For that I guess I am "VERY GUILTY". I have a lot of regrets about that but I have to stop beating myself up over that.....I hope she does too. In my eyes everybody makes mistakes. I can understand that. The hardest thing that I have to do is see that OM,(as my W has told you). The anger that I have towards him is slowly going away but I think it will take a while. In my eyes ANYTHING can be worked out...even an affair. My hat is off to all of you for what you have done to make things work.<BR>As far as telling me how much she is sorry, I think it would be too overwelming if she did it everyday, because I have forgiven her for what has happened. So once again thank you all for all the encouraging advise you have given.<P>Remember: when you say " I do " it is for a life time............very guilty's H<BR><P>------------------<BR>

Thank you all for your encouraging advise. This is very Guilty's H. I would like to respond and give you all my side of the story. It was a very hard and hurtfull thing to go through and I wish it never happened, BUT... in a lot of ways I am glad it happened. The reason for that is it really opened my eyes and showed me how "ignorant" I was to my beautiful wife and children. I was too caught up in my self and didn't care about her or my kids. In all actuality it was me that "drove" her to the OM. For that I guess I am "VERY GUILTY". I have a lot of regrets about that but I have to stop beating myself up over that.....I hope she does too. In my eyes everybody makes mistakes. I can understand that. The hardest thing that I have to do is see that OM,(as my W has told you). The anger that I have towards him is slowly going away but I think it will take a while. In my eyes ANYTHING can be worked out...even an affair. My hat is off to all of you for what you have done to make things work.<BR>As far as telling me how much she is sorry, I think it would be too overwelming if she did it everyday, because I have forgiven her for what has happened. So once again thank you all for all the encouraging advise you have given.<P>Remember: when you say " I do " it is for a life time............very guilty's H<BR>