Back to fine tuning...you staying calm and direct, sticking to your truth...my remarks are not attacks or judgment...
"Me:
I acknowledge and respect your feelings, I’m sorry you feel way, but I
Did not hurt his children’s it was his W’s choice to do what she did"
You didn't get it and then you got it...you are emphasizing choices...emphasize the choices of the adulterers...and you caught yourself in the next line:
"And it’s the adultery that hurt his children’s"
By putting OMW first, it takes away the primary truth...OM and WW hurt everyone's children and spouses...and themselves. Practice this...I see where you are susceptible to WW's fog...and are pulled in her illogical direction...I remember. I did, too. Staying clear inside you will help you to stay calm, see how child-like your WW is right now...almost calling you a big ol' doodoo face (slang American for poopyhead...what phrase did you grow up with when you were 5-years-old and super duper mad?)
"And I do not regret what I did; I know it was the right thing to do
And now they are going to counseling and they might save their marriage."
And what you followed with was fantastic...remind yourself you do not regret doing the right thing, your goal to save your marriage...even in the face of your WW's anger and irrational responses. She wants you to be at fault, you understand. Anyone but her...too big a responsibility...and you know this as her reasoning, not the truth...I know you do. Stay right there. Be aware you are staying present in your WW's fury and you're not dissolving, being killed or annihilated...what you feared from her anger before. Not happening. Amazing, isn't it?
Then you hit your limit...what was it? What was the exact point that sent you back to defensive/offensive mode?
"Me:
You mean to tell you and me that it wasn’t before where willing to work on it.
Because If I recall I’ve been trying to get us into counseling way before OM
Was in the picture, you always refused."
Why are you arguing here? Means you took her statement as THE truth, not HER truth...why? Is this your biggest fear, that it is over and your fault?
"This marriage is been over for a while now, I’m not trying to save it,"
Is this your truth or your reactive hope in harming her enough to stop harming you?
"We did a lot of wrong things, what I’m trying to do is start fresh,
New understanding new beginning."
Oh, I get it...you're not trying to save the old marriage...but create a new one...I'm slow. I'll get there.
"We learned a lot from this in the last few months, I have learned a lot,
We can take the knowledge from this split up and apply it on a new relationship,
Or we can apply it on this one and keep our family together.
Sometimes it doesn’t get better till it gets worse, it’s like a car that is making noise,
Some people don’t fix it until it breaks, and this is what happened to us,
It’s broken, we have the choice to fix it or throw it away.
No body said it would be easy, no body said it will be quick, all we need is commitment
I made that commitment; it’s up to you now.
WW:
(Covering her eyes so I don’t see her cry)
It will never be the same.
Me:
I promised myself that I wouldn’t preach, and look at me.
I’m going to go have a cup of coffee and grab something to eat,
Do you want a cup of tea or something?
WW:
NO."
Wow...you caught yourself...what a great catch and save...you're really good at this...how about a standard reply for her standard statement "It will never be the same"? How about, "That is what gives me hope, WW."
"Did I screw up?" How?
"I did brush her words of at the time, but later on they came back and god they hurt.
They hurt not because of the content; they hurt because of the intent to hurt."
Okay...you didn't brush off her words at the time...you had them secure in that hopper on your head...and again, don't allow them to come into your brain until you and your brain agree this is her opinion, not fact...not your truth, her perception, 'k? Then they don't hurt. You better be strong for YOU because you're worth it...you've allowed yourself to be hurt for a life time believing others over yourself...time to protect self in truth...allowing others to own what is theirs and stop taking it from them, stabbing yourself with it, 'k?
Hurt because of her intent? Isn't that a DJ? Did you ask for her intent? I bet it would be "to stop hurting"...
You both have had this dance of earning each other's love and earning each other's punishment...and you're stopping that dance...stop it in your head, too, 'k?
"It never stops." This is your inner child...know you stopped that dance by offering coffee or tea...how elegant, kind, comforting and what a great spouse...regardless of response.
"I thought of telling her how hurtful some of her words are but I didn’t
Should I?"
Save your Open & Honesty statements for when you aren't engaged in conflict...these are for awhile later...or next day...like "I am thinking about how much pain I felt yesterday when I heard you say you hated me. This coffee is really good. Thank you. That tea/coffee I had last night helped to settle me down after our conversation."
Simple...honest...no attack...not resonse-based...and interlaced with appreciation. Real stuff, not fake.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
This isn't a test you pass or fail, Joe...it is life...as is...and how different is your response from this conversation versus a year ago with your wife?
LA
