I am so frustrated with this whole damn cycle of pain. I had posted recently regarding a shaky state of mind and spoke to my doc about taking meds. She has set an appt. for Fri. to discuss and evaluate. My question is this, when is the brutality against me over? I have suffered enough from all of this, and now I'm forced to seek meds to keep me from going off the deep end. I'm having trouble controlling thoughts of pain and rage ( I awake in the middle of the night to a barage of thoughts, and can no longer sleep, and cry and so on and so forth). Will the meds help me to better sort through my reality? H is now has a new female 'friend' that he communicates with by cell and work email. So, what do I do with that information? I've told him that he is entering murky waters, and disrespecting me in the process, as well as this other persons husband! I feel like stoving his head in! What an A$$! Should I approach this as if he is having another A and hunt and gather until I have proof of something, or should I confront this 'friend' and demand that she stop talking to my H? GEEEEEEZ, I really want to give up right now! He tells me that he didn't want to tell me about his friendship because ,"I knew you would react this way". SERIOUSLY!? REALLY!? DUH! I want to tell him to choose or leave; what should I do? I'm fuming over this (obviously) and just want this new disrespect to end. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Renamed post to reflect what is really in my head

Expose to the OW's husband. Is this a work 'friendship'? If so, expose to higher ups or to Human resources.

Can you get into counseling?

Maybe call Steve Harley at MB. The info is on the site here.

Yes...the meds WILL help. Taking antidepressants at a time like this is NOT weak. There are phsyiological changes in brain chemistry that are happening to you now that you MAY HAVE NO WILLFUL control over. Taking AD's (even short term) can help you while you attain other coping mechanisms.

Please discard any negative sentiment for taking AD's. They are not for weak people, they are not for needy people...and they are NOT for life.

Take care

Lem

hey, the addiciton is still continuing just with another woman. His brains are still scrambled and working on the marriage cannot go on until brutal honesty. i am in the same boat, married only2.5 years, together 5. I am working on plan A with meds. Set boundries even though it's hard. Worry about yourself only he's out of control. Take control by being good to yourself and child, find something anything to help with your own self. Glad to talk, will write to anytime.

Also- it will help to get a good nights sleep. sounds trivial, but you will feel better, and will be better able to control your emotions when you start sleeping better. the AD's may help you sleep better. if not, you may consider getting a temporary sleeping aid.

It is amazing how your outlook on life changes after you start sleeping better.

You might want to try a cup of mint tea at bedtime. that has been very helpful to me.

After being on the AD's awhile, and hopefully sleeping better, you will find that you are better able to look at your situation and start coming up with a plan. YOUR plan for YOUR life.

OK, so I do not know OWH's email, or phone, or last name (I don't remember my H telling me her last name). They do not work together, but she has yoga one day a week near his office and he told me they have lunch together at that time. I believe that his behavior is inappropriate, but only have phone number for OW. I barely know her, and her H. I'm just so tired of him trying to snow me and act like I'm crazy. I really need to know what to do, only having the OW phone number. Wow! I really didn't expect him to pick up his bad habits so soon. We haven't even begun to correct our problems and fishing for more. I'm soooo frustrated, and am beginning to think that I'm being used for a place to live and a soft place to fall...

I am not sure what to say here.
I would suggest changing the name of this thread agian - or starting a new one.
It sounds like you need a plan. At this point, it sounds like you are taking the AD"s (have you started that yet?) so your thread title needs to be changed.

Let me assure you, that you are not losing your mind. As a wife it is ok to expect that your H will not have "friendships" with other women. He shoudl not be carrying on phoen converstations with this woman, and keeping them secret. Especially if he has had an A in the past. It is also not appropriate for him to give you that crap about "I didn't tell you, because I knew you would freak out"
Duh! Of course you would freak out.
You have very right to expect your H to protect you from pain. Instead, his behavior is causing you pain.

Have you read Surviving An Affair?

Do you feel like it is time for Plan B?

I pray that the peace of God will enfold you......

I'm at the point where I feel at my whits end. Completely underserving of him changing his behavior. I have been trying to work on my reactions and how I speak to him, how much i give him affection and attention; but I do not see the same from him. He is back to how he was after his A, sort of living here, and enjoying conversations with me and intimacy, but he isn't really listening to my concerns or trying to figure out what happened in himself to get beyond it. He has not really committed to staying or going, and I don't know if I want to give him the power to make that choice. I have read SAA, and am currently reading 'After the Affair, by Janis Abrahms Spring. H has not really done any self awareness work, or read any books. He still looks at me like I'm crazy....I'm beginning to think that we are over, and he doesn't care. How could you come home after your A, not care, and not do anything to make it better, despite my efforts to draw him back. ARGH!!! I'm going to doc tomorrow to discuss AD's, and hope that I can control myself long enough to get some real perspective.

Post deleted by rainbowbeliever

I tell ya, just having the responses that I've gotten today have sort of calmed me down enough to clear my head and think; this is an inappropriate situation, and it has been confronted; all I can do is wait and see what comes of the conversation. I can only make changes within me. The things that I am learning here will help me to cope with life, in general, outside of M, so I will be able to live a better life no matter what happens. Thank you all for listening and guiding as best you can.

Personally, I'd be VERY tempted to follow him to lunch and plop myself down in a seat next to them. Maybe a comment or two for effect, like "I just wanted to have lunch with my husband and I figured that any "friend" of yours wouldn't mind".

Then, of course, introduce yourself with first and last names to her, and expect the same in return. Ask lots of questions about HER husband, and as soon as you're home, do a search for him and call him ASAP with everything you know.

But, of course, that's just me. I'm a tad more brazen than I used to be. But hey, wouldn't it throw a wrench into the gears for at least *that* lunch "date"?

OMG! That would be great! If I can figure out when they see each other, I'll consider that. I've met her, don't remember getting her last name; I'll check his cell. I have to choose lightly here, as what I do next may end any progress we've made and send him packing, literally. I have to be sure I'm willing to end this M before taking this step, as he feels his relationship with her is 'platonic' and shouldn't be rattled. I'm ready to move on from this. Really, if he cannot commit to the M and work harder, I don't see the point of going on for another year. We're supposed to meet up with her and some of their ex work buddies for drinks tomorrow evening. Should I say something then? I'd be very interested in anyone's suggestions...

You already have your own answer. Are you willing to take drastic measures? Like you said, "Really, if he cannot commit to the M and work harder, I don't see the point of going on for another year."

If his relationship with her is "platonic" then he should be willing to be totally transparent with you and should welcome and encourage you to be an active part of their "friendship". If not.......well then you have nothing left to lose. I wouldn't say anything to her when you meet up for drinks other than maybe "I'm sorry for being so forgetful, but I don't remember your full name." When you have her last name, find her husband IMMEDIATELY. Get his help in breaking this "friendship" up.

And as for when they meet up, if you have the time, just wait outside where he works and follow him when he leaves for lunch. Then you'll be able to witness any OTHER stops he makes and you will see firsthand how they greet one another. That in itself should speak volumes!

Treading,
Thanks for checkin in on my thread. You have some really good, practical advice. I do believe that my H wants me to be a 'part' of his friendship with this woman, as he has tried numerous times to get us together to meet. I have been very busy and don't have much time during the week to 'get out'. I DO NOT trust the this is an altruistic gesture, though. He may just be trying to render my perception of their relationship as 'benign'; I dunno, but the pit of my stomach doesn't usually steer me wrong. I wouldn't have such focus on this if I didn't believe it was wholly inappropriate. I do believe that, right now, their frienship is platonic, that's not my problem with it; he held back on the details until asked, and that's no good. I'm not ready, right now, to end everything, as he has made strides on the intimacy front and communication, and I'm trying to decide if he was, prior to the affair, what I needed him to be. I need time to see him as he really is, without those rose-colored glasses that I wore before. I made him aware that he could be doing this woman and her husband a great disservice by allowing this relationship to grow (she is a bit younger, and doesn't quite have the boundaries in place that I now have). He is aware that I will not deal with too much of his crap here; that he has to inform me of what his idea of our marriage is to him. I have my own timeline. I think he is more aware of that since our conversation, and has not had contact with her since. We shall see.

Temp, I just don't want you to go through the h*ll I did, having my H and the FOW actually USE my part of the "friendship" the three of us shared as a smokescreen to keep their relationship from "looking bad" on the outside. I never knew about their "secret" meetings, and if I had, I would have been a LOT less blind. Secrecy has no place in marriage--EVER--and if you don't have the time to meet up with them, then he shouldn't be doing it WITHOUT you. The book "Hedges" by Jerry Jenkins (it's from a Christian perspective) is a wonderful one in defining exactly what improper male/female "friendships" are, and how slippery the slope is from platonic to romantic.

Let him know in no uncertain terms that YOUR post-affair boundary is keeping any other women out of his life unless you are literally sitting right there with him. Anything else is unacceptable to you and you won't have any part of being strung along again. I agree with you--the fact that he wasn't FORTHCOMING with the information you wanted is a gigantic red flag. Tell him your trust is dangling by a thread right now, and that if he wants to avoid it getting any worse between you, he'll cease and desist this independent "friendship" unless either you or her husband are along for the ride. If he isn't willing to respect you, he's already put up a very dangerous wall.

Hang in there, it really sounds like you've got your head in the right place.

I have confronted my H on this matter, and have told him that we need to set boundaries for relationships outside the marriage, and that this is one boundary that is iron clad. He has fiiiiinally started to look at the world from something other than his minute perspective. He has agreed to keep the relationship in the open, that he will not be lunching alone with this woman; that her husband will know of all contact and I will be informed of the things that occur with them. He has tried to assure me that the relationship is 'platonic' and I've warned him that even 'lite' friends can turn into lovers if the going gets too tough in your life, so watch yourself, cause I'll be watching you. He actually said that he was being blind to how this affected me, and that he wouldn't trust him either, given what led us here. He has apologized for his behavior. He said, " I know that you have no reason to believe me, but I want you to know that my friendship with 'K' is just that, and we lunch with others, never alone, and her H is always invited to come, and often does". There is a part of me that wants to believe, but I do not trust. He understands and has been loving and compassionate; this is a first since last July. I told him that I hope, one day, he can let go of those things outside of our marriage that negate it. It was a good night of 'reality'; we both want to work on our M and have finally, both, voiced that. I feel a slight bit of hope. It's a lot of work, but I'll be keeping my eyes and ears opened at full tilt for now. I've asked for what I need, and he knows that the ball is in his court...15/Love <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Well it at least sounds like he knows what's expected of him. It *sounds* good. Time and transparency (and maybe even informing her H about your past struggles...giving him a bit more insight on why you're so concerned) will tell. It's also great that he will talk to you. Wonderful sign.

Blessings!

I certainly get the *sounds* good. I will be seeing both she and her H this evening, and will watch closely how she interacts with my H. I, by no means, am allowing any of this relationship; I am being cautious, and he is aware that I reserved the right to speak to her H regarding their frequency of seeing eachother and his awareness. I wrote my H a letter explaining my concerns regarding extra-marital relationships and how dangerous they are to us, and how disappointed I am in how he has handled things since the A. He is fully aware that my respect for him is lower than low, and that the things he does from here on out will guide me on whether to continue to give. I cannot give to someone who is so unwilling to see the world through the BS's eyes. I think he softened and dismantled the wall a bit. I DO NOT TRUST, but I also cannot TELL him what to do. I have made myself clear and am sticking to my principles. I will not be a doormat again. I'm done with that. For the first time since the A, we talked about the reality of what is left and what we need to do, and why it happened in the first place. We are sharing blame, and, to me, it was a huge night. I felt a sense of calm come over me that I have not had in about a year. Thank you for the guidance and helping me to remind myself that the only place from here is up, so there's no point in NOT discussing these things and asking for what I need. He is trying, and that is a first. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Temp-I am sooooo HAPPY for you! I know you have your doubts, I would too, but this *sounds* so great! it really does seem like he's trying! Well, I do hope that it works out well tonight and the two of you make new friends. I mean I would be on guard, Lord knows we all have that right, but try to keep an open mind.

Just to keep you up to date, H and I are doing well! Still working out the kinks...H doing what your H is doing right now...opening up a little at a time! OW still in the pic...but H realizes he needs to let her go...she calls him...he does call her. Pray that it comes to a head for me will you!

I look forward to hearing your progress! And thanks for your help recently! I really appreciated it!