I'm contemplating Father's Day while in this plan a thing. H not living at home, but want to do something nice, a lunch or something at the house. Problem is, my 15 and 17 year old will have little to do with him. My 12 year old girl will hang with him. Should I pressure the boys and try and make them spend a Father's Day with them? Trying to do the home comforts thing in plan a. This is really hard.

1. How many affairs has he had?
2. Have you told people who might have an influence on him?
3. Are you taking precuations against STD's and other diseases you may be vulnerable to by being with him?


4. Realize that his "feelings" for the OW now are not the main problem for you now.....IT IS HIS CONTINUED ACTIONS (having the on-going affair) REGARDING THOSE FEELINGS. That is your problem. You kicking him out did not "do the trick"...being that it has been 5 weeks since he has been gone anyway and he has actually been able to keep the affair going with less duress from you.....AND he has been getting the Needs met by you that allow him to keep thinking he is a "family" man.

Goodluck...others will help you here.

lem

Actually, he has cut ties with the girl, but is expressing that he can't get rid of his feelings for her. I know this because I have talked to HER husband. They are back together trying to work things out. It's H's withdrawal period. He misses her. Thus, I feel like the consolation prize. And I don't know how long this withdrawal thing is supposed to last.

Welcome. Withdrawal shouldn't last too long - maybe a month. Don't worry about being the consolation prize. It doesn't matter why he comes home, just that he does.

Why is he in a hotel?

Serious? About being the consolation prize? I don't get it.

He's in an apartment because he left the house to go on "vacation" by himself for a month (how dumb was I?) Turns out he was with OW. Came back, I gave him an ultimatum to give up the girl and be with me, or say goodbye to me. He chose to try and work things out with me and the kids. Took an apartment on a month to month basis. I want him to come home, but he keeps saying he wants to come home a "whole" person, whatever that means. I guess, he wants to come back without still thinking he wants to be with the other girl. This whole thing is making me sick. Really.

How do you know he has cut ties??? Your BH needs to be home if that's where you want him. Tell him to come back NOW. You can't monitor NC with OW if he's in an apartment.

There are ways to deal with his thinking about OW while he's home with you. Have you read up on withdrawl? Great resources on this site, in Surviving an Affair and at this link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2686313

It's OK for your H to come back if he's still thinking about the OW. TELL HIM THAT. If he is in WD then he's going to miss his fix. That's normal. The most important thing right now is that you're together so that you can start rebuilding intimacy and trust.

But first validate that the A is NOT going on before deciding your BH is in withdrawl.

MDC is right, if he was on the phone with her last week, he is not in withdrawal.

My I suggest that you stick with one thread, it makes it easier for people to follow your situation and advise you.

OK, now to work.
Plan A is for the period that you are in. Have you read up on that and get the gist of it? Right now, your objectives are:
1) Make the marriage look like the more appealing option
2) Protect your sanity

Have you read the Carrot and the Stick? Basically, affair=nasty and vile, marriage=love and honor.

The fact that you have been in touch with OWH is great. He could be a huge ally. You two need to have another pow wow and compare notes. I would assume your WH is still involved with OW.

What about your family, kids? extended family? Who knows what?

Your main objectives should be:
1) Plan Aing, not being a doormat, but you are going to have to try to win your WH back. Don't assume you get first dibs just because you are his wife-it doesn't work like that in affair land.

2) Looking at you financial/legal/practical life situation. These waywards can get crazy, batton down the hatches.

3) Expose the affair, shine the light on the rat's nest.

But please, pick one thread and let's try to get you a plan together.

Thank you, everyone. I will stick to THIS thread.

I need advice on how to behave myself with him tonight. Do I just keep things light? Not ask questions? Also, I asked him a couple days ago about writing the NC letter. I printed the info off this website and gave it to him. So, do I ask about it? Or do I just let it go? I don't think he is seeing/talking to her. But one can never be sure. I do know that the OW is back with her husband. And that husband is on the lookout. Anyway, do I bring up the NC letter and demand/ask that he write it, or no. Demanding would be breaking one of the Love Buster rules. Please help. Any info, advice before I see him tonight would be appreciated. Thank you.

Hello --- can someone give me some suggestions for tonight. Please. I'm feeling desperate.

No relationship talk. You've got to get through NC and withdrawl first. Invite him to read things but don't expect him to do it or expect him to talk about it afterwards.

What methods do you have for verifying whether or not WH is in contact?? What were his methods for contacting her? Phone? Email? Work? Church?

Make sure your snooping methods are in place so you can VERIFY NC. Then state your boundaries with respect to 'No Contact', ask him to write the NC letter then verify, verify, verify. Mrs. W says "inspect what you expect".

After 3-4 weeks of NC you can start working on the marriage. NOTHING can happen until NC is estabilshed, verified and WH is out of withdrawl.

What topics have you read on this site??

MDC --THANK YOU for answering.

I check his cell phone, missed calls, etc. when he comes over. Although it makes me feel good, I'm not stupid enough to think he simply can't erase before he hands me the phone. I check his email. But of course, he has different email at work that I can't get into. They used to talk via Yahoo Chat. He let me shut that down. He does live in that apartment alone. When we had a blow out, he took the keys away, hasn't given them back to me.

So tonight when I see him, no relationship talk ... but then how do I ask about NC letter?

Take your time, there is no hurry.

Have you seen the Lighthouse post? Here it is -

Your spouse is in huge conflict....

the good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...

the competition we believe that exist with the OP is a shallow empty reflection of Gods light in this world...

It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush

their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong...they do not like what they are doing...

their actions towards you, the children, the OP, and themselves...keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions...with real depth and truth

all they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life...
yet the filling is way too fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down regardless of whom is next to them....

they are the living cliche..of no matter where you go to hide...there YOU are...

he or she is lost to themselves...

and you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home....even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that...

You become the lighthouse..you fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary...

see just visualize yourself as a lighthouse...

Your offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get...
you invite them towards it...let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way....

they are untrustable right now...
but you know that...so they can't hurt you right now...they will spend great energy to convince others differently...but you know better...

you show the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions.....
set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives....
without lovebusting...
offer alternatives that let them see the children...but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them...
you fill the childrens lives with stability....they deserve it and need it more than anything else....

Do not discuss and or powerstruggle with them on irrational movements...seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly....

your spouse is very lonely and sad right now..but that is OK...no one can stay very long in that chaos...it is wearisome to the soul...
and remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos...and eventually they will see that you are the only one...who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most...


be the lighthouse....

Good God --- thank you, believer. I needed to read this at this very moment. He tells me he can't write the letter of NC. He admitted it is because he doesn't want to burn bridges. He did, however, put his hand on the Bible and say he would have no contact with her. I don't know what to make of that, but I will continue on, try not to be a doormat, try to remember what you said. Thank you again.

The thanks goes to Ark - I forgot to give her the credit.

Hang in there, and don't give up.

thank you thank you thank you ... all of you

Ladies, sorry but I need help. I need help.

Am I being a doormat by letting him not do the letter? He put his hand on the Bible. Is that just as good? He's so distant with me now. I know he wants to be with the OW. Is this normal. Do I ride through this. Or do I start Plan B. I am soooooooooo confused and distraught right now. I just don't know what is right, what is acceptable. Please, help me.

i won't try to advice you, you are further than I ever got. BUT, he said he didn't want to burn bridges?? Bridges to where?? Is that somewhere you would like to go too?

Is he saying he won't initiate contact, but would be happy to answer her call??

What does he suggest that will give you some safe feeling?

I won't try to advise you, you are further than I ever got. BUT, he said he didn't want to burn bridges?? Bridges to where?? Is that somewhere you would like to go too?

Is he saying he won't initiate contact, but would be happy to answer her call??

What does he suggest that will give you some safe feeling?

No, I don't want to go there.

He says (on the Bible) he won't answer the call, but he does so begrudgingly. This really hurts. And no, it gives me no safe feeling, no feeling like his heart is in this.

You are way to early in this to go to any other plan. Stay with Plan A. Your WH is very confused right now, so Plan A him. That includes showing him what a good wife you can be, and exposing the affair.

If you start going crazy, go clean the toilets.