thank you again, believer. You may be saving my marriage.

Just hang in there - keep reading and posting here. This stuff takes much longer than most people think. But I am very hopeful for you.

thank you, believer. I just can't help feeling like such a sucker in all this. Sometimes I just want to tell him to kiss off, go to the other woman, have at it. Sometimes I wonder why I ... we ... do all this. It would be so much easier to just divorce and get on with it. My family, friends all think I'm crazy for hanging around for such emotional abuse. But I can't seem to let go. It's my marriage of 24 years. I don't want a divorce. Stupid me.

But I will plod along in Plan A. Expose the affair? What does that mean, exactly? Pretty much everyone knows, family, friends, neighbors. It doesn't seem to be affecting him much. Although, I imagine he's quite embarrassed by it. Our two sons, 17 and 15, will not talk to him. His 12 year old daughter will at least give him the time of day. That's about it. But especially my 17 year old son, whom my husband loves dearly, will not budge, will not speak or look at him. My home is no longer a home, just a vessel of sadness everywhere.

More of my story and why I'm concerned about a long, dragged out withdrawal period ...

Sounds bizarre, but in the 24 years we have been married, H has carried around this torch for a college friend back in the eighties. For years, I would find poetry and songs written to her (a woman knows). We went round and round about it, every time. He would be in denial. It was ridiculous. Anyway, this affair, I think, was just an extension of his fantasy--the fantasy played out.

This is why I'm afraid withdrawal will last a long time. If he held a torch for one person (and he didn't even talk to or see her all the 24 years), then how long will it take for the OW to fade from his brain. My thinking is, there is a lesson in this for him, a healing process. Whether or not he will take it and learn it, is up to him.

I'm still frosted by the fact that he refuses to do the NC Letter. And by not forcing him to do so (he says "don't give me ultimatums"), I feel like I'm just letting him hold ALL the cards. He's insane, I think. He really is. And I wonder about my own sanity, letting him do this, trying to stick to Plan A and be friendly, nice, while he pisses all over me. I'm trying to remember the Lighthouse thing, trying, trying. This is SOOOO hard.

H has gone from one month of bliss with me after DD, then three days of "I want a divorce" out of the blue; back to three days of "I love you, I want to come home; and then again back to, "I don't know what I want."

Is this normal? It's driving me insane. Everyday is new with him. Everyday, he wants something else. And as much as I'm trying to stick with Plan A, logic tells me that I'm not only being taken for this ride, but ALLOWING it to happen. At some point, this whole thing just doesn't seem logical. And how does one NOT help feeling like a doormat, like someone just telling you to jump and you ask, how high?
Today, he cool, distant, says I should just be happy that he's hanging around with me. I feel so used. I try to be "the more appealing" choice for him. But then I get depressed, frustrated, start talking about our relationship, and he gets angry. Is this really how Plan A is supposed to work?

You know, when I first found this site, I'd been posting on another infidelity site. I thought the ideas here were completely crazy. But I kept checking in from time to time over the months, and started noticing marriages being saved.

You need not feel like a dormat. Plan A is only required for a few months. Then you will go to Plan B, which is what usually brings them back. But first you have to do Plan A.

thank you again, believer. Did I read right that Plan A does NOT work in 85% of the cases? Not very good odds. Plan B seems almost inevitable. I soooooooo hate being here.

H just left after spending the weekend with me and the kids (sort of, oldest won't be in the room with him, the other two tolerate him). Anyway, we had a couple of relationship talks. I know I'm not supposed to, but I can't seem to help myself. I just feel so alone in it, like it's so one-sided, and he could care less if it works out or not. He keeps saying he's not ready to come home. But last weekend, in something of a breakdown, he wanted to come home. He's like a light switch. I can't keep up with what he wants. And it seems like the more I weaken with him, the worse he treats me. It's like he knows he has me in his back pocket, so what the H___. He swears he's sticking to NC, but I have this urge to spy on him. This is getting just sick. And I don't know how long I can do it.

You need to stick to plan A, quit pushing him away by talking about the relationship. I know this is hard, I'm on the same roller coster. Keep busy, I know sound cliche, but it will help, try finding a book you and lose yourself in, that has been helping me, at least for a few hours.

They all could care less about their marriage at first. But that changes.

Stay with Plan A, and work on making nice for your family (you and kids).

Plan A may or may not work, but it is necessary to do before Plan B. At least, in your mind, you know that you don't have to do this forever.

Our MC has dropped us as clients becuase he said that from what my H told him in an individual session that was confidential, he would feel compromised. He basically told me that H told him something that he could not disclose to me. I was frantic, asked H. about it over the phone. He said he didn't want to do this over the phone. When I saw him later that day, he said he'd gotten a real hoot out of the whole thing. When I asked him what he meant, he said that in the past when he'd told the counselor it was a confidentiality session, things always got out to me. So, he tells me that he told the counselor he has been seeing OW, but that he only said that to see if it would get back to me. Specifically, it did not ... only the fact that there was something I wasn't told. H said he told the counselor this JUST to see if it would get back to me.

Can anyone make any sense of this??? Please. What is he doing? Why would he do such a thing? Do you think he is lying to me? Or lying to the counselor. As I said in a previous thread ... that night ... I made him put his hand ON THE BIBLE and swear that there has been no contact. This is big as he has really becoming "Goddy." Help.

can someone help, please? What do you think he is doing? Does this sound legit, or am I just buying into another lie?

Find an MC who will hold your WH accountable...ours asked my WH what his goal of therapy was...my WH said to make a decision...either leave for OW or work on his marriage. First thing MC said..."Drop OW completely...transfer...otherwise, you won't be able to make this decision."

WH did.

Good MC's have seen a thousand of your WH...find one who does infidelity and reconciliation...who has ground rules...that everything in each session can be discussed and if either of you preface one piece of information as confidential he'll consider honoring it...putting the marriage and then the partners in the order of honor.

Stop focusing on WH...you believe him automatically, and after 24 years of this, I understand why...stop it. You're two separate people...both equal...you own your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs...and you choose those...choose what you believe...that's your half of the marriage and all of what you control.

Your WH has his own...leave them there.

Read up on doing an authentic Plan A...read all the threads on GQII where people are in your position and stop betraying yourself.

You matter. You count. You are valuable and worthy...

Your WH has demonstrated he is addicted to fantasy...most likely in many ways...none of this is real at all...do not treat it as real...you are real...be his reality bearer.

Know that he IS in contact with OW...choose to believe this until he proves it consistently otherwise.

You'll know when he moves back home, is accountable and transparent...goes to MC and doesn't lie or screw around.

You can't make him put his hand on the Bible...or swear...you don't have that control...not in God's design. He chose to do that, and to lie, and to justify and to twist truth...He's having an Affair, RLT...know this. Your choice to believe the unbelievable...choose to respectfully not believe. Know it as his truth, not yours.

LA

I am reading Donald R. Harvey's book, When the One You Love Wants to Leave.

Question, in Plan A,do you continue to have sex with your spouse? The books says no, to remove him from his comfort zone. Does this coincide with Plan A? Or not.

Also, does anyone know if this Harvey is related to Steve or Willard?

Nope, Steve and Willard are Harley's.

Okay, I've been really trying in the Plan A for about two months now. But H just wants to stay in this "no decision" mode. I just got off the phone with him. He kept says how hard it was on him, that when we're together, he feels uncomfortable, that when he comes home, he doesn't feel like he's "at home." He's been living alone for a couple months now, and I think he's starting to like it. So out of my mouth it came, "Do you just not want to see each other for awhile?" He said he thought that was a good idea.

Did I blow it? I called right back after hanging up, said he had to adhere to to NC rule. He said okay, but wasn't very nice about it.

So my question is, did I just throw myself into Plan B? If so, do I write the letter? What do I do now?

Can someone answer? I'm feeling sick and desperate all over again.

RT - I cannot advise you on Plan B. I'll let others here do that. Go back to your very first post on this thread, edit it and change the title to "Did I just throw myself into Plan B?" You may get more responses.

Here's what I suggest - call the Harleys and get a counseling session scheduled for yourself immediately.

Marriage Builders Counseling

$180. Insurance typically pays half. It will be worth every penny. Guaranteed. Borrow the money if you have to.

MDC, I just left a message with the Harley's. It's Friday, I probably won't hear from them until Monday.

If anyone else out there has advice, I would surely appreciate it. I'm going crazy.

I'll try to catch up on your situation later.

But, I wanted to answer your question to me on the other thread.

Plan B for me lasted about 3 months.

My H began to PURSUE ME.. and then I made a Steve Harley call as has been suggested to you.

Steve directed me on how and when to respond to him...

At first, it was VERY MINIMALLY...and only by phone...

mimi, my fear is that he will get tired of no contact with me and pursue the OW.

It's been two days. I'm already feeling like, if the phone rings, I won't be able to resist and pick it up. I have a feeling he'll want me to go to church with him on Sunday. All no no's. Right?