Sorry since this is my first time here, I kind of feal like a shopper at a new mall standing in front of the building map with the big red arrow "you are here"

My wife of 14 years has completely changed over the last year or so. I have to give a little background. In 2002 I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, I succesfully went through treatment and after a long hard battle finally the tumor shrunk to the point where it is almost gone. During this time my wife quit her job and went out of control with her spending, we eventually lost our house due to falling so far behind.

We then moved into a rental home, we (at least I thought) began to make plans of getting things together to climb out of this financial hole. Approximately a year ago I came down with a rare disorder called Guillian Berret which effects the nervous system and required me to be hospitalized for 2 months. During my hospital stay my wife seemed to become less concerned with me and only visited 3-4 times per week. I was pretty upset over it and mentioned it a few times. My wifes response was always to the fact that it was difficult to handle the kids and to visit me. (i took this as an excuse and tried to just go with the flow)

Right after I was released from the hospital we signed a land contract on a home, we had discussed that she would get a job again and help with our finances. She took a part time job, however she began to spend money again. I make a pretty good salary in my corporate management job so any additional income helped out. My wife began to hang around a female coworker of hers who was 10 years younger than her (wife is 34) and began to act younger and dress younger, also she began watching MTV, reading those hollywood paparazzi magazines, and started working out. (and tanning constantly) I was not happy about her changes, however I took them as a pre midlife crisis and thought she was trying to compensate for becoming "older". She was let go from her part time position there. during the nex few months my wife didnt work, also her ability to keep up with the house and manage money declined. My wife landed a nice paying job for a home builder and after two paychecks she quit stating that it was too stressfull getting up early and working so long.

One night I came home and noticed boot tracks in the snow leaving my back yard, I followed them to the street where they "dissapeared" I asked my wife about them because I was concerned, she stated she had ordered a pizza and it was the delivery man. No more thought of it. A week later (2 weeks before xmas) I got off work early (i work 2-11:30 pm) and came home. When I walked into the house there were candles burning and the lights were down low, my wife acted very surprised and literally grabbed me and said to please check the back yard since there was a racoon back there. I started to look out the back door when I had a wierd feeling,so I walked through the living room and noticed the front deadbolt was unlocked (we enter/exit from our back door) I looked outside and saw a man walking very quickly down the street and his footprints came from my house. I tried to run after the man but he jumped into a truck and drove off (with his lights out)

Of course this was devastating to me, I collapsed onto the floor in my house and my wife began to say that she wanted a divorce. She was very irate with me. To an extent we moved on from this issue, her story was that the man was a highschool friend and they had just been talking, nothing more, and she was wrong for having him in our house. We have gone back and forth since then with my wife saying she wont talk about divorce anymore and she just wants to be happy, she states that we will work it out. My wife has been caught lieing to me several times since this, she lied about a car accidnet she had as well as 2 speeding tickets. I also recently found out that she has been calling and recieving calls from a local police officer who went to school with her brother. I asked her if she was having an affair and she emphatically denied it, however she reacted in a severely angry fashion. She stated that the guy was married and they were just friends.

My wife started to act like things were going to get better right before I took the family to Disney World and spent a ton of money on this vacation (i was hoping this would help our marriage since she was so enthusiastic about going)right after returning my wife began acting secretive again, calling me at work and asking what time I was leaving nearly every night (which made me sick worrying) she went on an overnight "girls night out" to a cabin with my brotehr in laws fiancee & her girlfriend. She lied about the reservations, she said the other girl made them and invited her, however I found the reciepts in her purse while getting her car keys and not only did my wife reserve the cabin but she also used my credit card to pay for it. I tried to discuss this with her, once again a violent reaction and then the "I want a divorce" came up. I know I should be stronger but this entire situation has devastated me i am a mess.

Recently I wrote a very long leter expressing my love and feelings and my apathy for my faults that have made her act differently, her response was that she doesnt want to leave me, but she feels she cnat make me happy and she loves me so much she wants someone else to make me happy. She said she wasnt having an affair and that I was reading too far into things. The next day I caught her removing her wedding band after she left the house, and last night I was trying to remove a virus on my computer and found that she was visiting the website for reservations for the same cabin she had previously rented. I mentioned this to her this morning and she was very awkward in trying to find something to say, she then blew up about it, she said she hates how I treat her checking up on what she is doing. I apologized but told her based on what has happened in recent months I still lack trust. This is extremely upsetting to me, and she gets angry at me for being upset and tells me I need to be medicated. She then goes back to bed. I am so ripped up over the unknown and the lies, I want to trust her and want our marriage to work, however she refuses to discuss things, and she does things in "secret" that really bother me. I am calling my insurance today to get couseling for us, I hope it works.
Am I wrong to want to discuss the issues? Am I over reacting? I cant understand how someone that was so in love with me could be so hurtfull and cold to me.

Welcome to Marriage Builders search4truth. I'm sorry for the reason you are here but you will get a lot of good advice and support here.

I'm going to leave it to some of the older and wiser members to give you more in-depth responses but I wanted to welcome you. Have you spent much time reading the material on the site yet? I think you need to get your hands on the Harley's books and start working out a Plan A and B immediately.

I hate to say it but it's pretty clear your wife is having an affair. At least an emotional affair (EA) if not a physical affair (PA). There are just too many bright red flags in this story. If the guy was just a 'friend' why were the lights turned down low and candles on? Why did he run away? Why did she try to trick you into looking the other way while he skipped off? The wedding ring removal, her defensiveness, her going away, her checking when you're getting back from work...it all points to an affair big time. And NO NO NO NO you are NOT overreacting. You have EVERY right to be upset and suspicious given all the evidence. You are not being overly suspicious. You are simply looking at the facts and putting 2 and 2 together.

First, I think you need to do some serious snooping. Look through the threads and you'll see plenty of tips - voice activated recorder in the house while you're at work. Keylogger on the computer. Check cell phone records. If I were you, I'd also give her reason to think you'll be working til the usual time next time she asks and then surprise her again. You could even not go to work (if you can possibly afford this) and sit down the street where you can watch your house and see if another man turns up once they think you're gone. Or do you have a trusted friend who can do this for you?

Cheatin spouses will lie, lie, lie, lie even when caught red handed. The "your reading too much into it" is classic. Exactly what I got when I found emails from the woman who, it turned out, my H had been sleeping with for months.

Take care of yourself and keep reading and posting here. There are many wise and caring folks here who can help you through this crisis. It sounds like you really love your wife and want to save your marriage and it CAN be done. It's not easy but it is possible.

Hug and best wishes,

Lil

Counselling (MC) is a good start. You have a battle ahead of you but you can recover your marriage if you read, understand and PRACTICE the strategies presented here. You will also get lots of advice and support. Start by reading everything you can about Plan A, then keep posting here and ask questions. You will get answers. Hang in there.

Search-

Don't be disappointed if you don't get what you want out of MC. I thought it was going to be the golden ticket out of darkness for us. It wasn't. We had a counselor that actually ENABLED the affair. Yes, you read that right.

You're going to get posts telling you not to bother with counseling until the A has ended. Because as long as your WW is in the A, she's not looking inward. Or viewing the marriage objectively. 2 things that are required to benefit from good counseling.

I would say keep the dates. Who knows? You may get a Harley protege. Let us know how the session went so we can assess if the C is doing damage. I'm still shocked at some of the things our MC said to us.

Priority #1 is to break up the affair. You're going to be asked to expose it. To the other man's (OM) wife - is he married? To her family, friends. Anyone that would influence your WW to end it. Do you have hard, printed or recorded evidence of the affair? Irrefutable? Going to need it for exposure.

I'm going to hijack Longhorn's sig here. Read everything on the links below. Then come back and ask questions. OK?

How To Organize A Marital Recovery Plan
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#3014240
Spying 101
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1
Exposure 101
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

Hmm. Do you have any children?

Have no doubt she's having a sexual affair. No doubt. Your instincts are right. How stupid do WS's think we are?

brutal honest truth: Your wife is having a sexual affair. Probably an emotional one as well (with same guy). This is almost certain.

You need to snoop on your wife to gather evidence. Install a keylogger on her computer. Check and review cell phone records. Setup a phone recorder in your home.

This is all necessary because your wife will lie and destroy your family in the next coming months. She will look you in the eye and lie to you. She will do anything she can to continue her affair.

Your job is to read up on plan A and to expose her affair after you have gathered some hard evidence.

You are not a fool. You know what was really happening, you are just in denial. It's ok, we all went/go through it. Keep posting here and we'll help you through it.

Do you have kids? Do you want to save your marriage? Has she done this before?

I confronted her again, I told her that I want to try to save our marriage since 14 years and two beautifull children are worth trying.

I asked her again if she had an affair and again she got psychotic with me and said no, I had already done some spy work and knew she had been calling and texting (back & forth) with a local police officer. (he is friends with her and her family and has been for years, I know him and have spent a lot of time in the past talking to him, which really pisses me off. Her brother is also a local cop and I have to wonder if he knows about it) She admitted to "talking" wit him and that she has been talking to him "as friends" for several months.

I asked if she had ever had him over our house, she said he has stopped by but has never been in our home. I asked her who the guy was that was in our house when I chased him down the street, she stuck with her original story of him being a highschool friend that she had been speaking to, I told her that I cant find the niaveness to belive she didnt have an affair. I asked her if she had kissed him, she said never. Belive me I want to believe her but I know the reality of it. She says she will not speak with him again, and that she will focus on making our marriage better (which is tough to hear since that is what I want) I wonder to myself if I will be able to do this, if I am setting myself up for more hurt. I pleaded to her to tell me the truth, and to consider how devastating this whole thing has been.

I wish I had real proof that there was "something" more than just talking to each other, so I could show up at tough guy local cops house and spill the beans to his wife. My wife hasnt worked in a few years and is searching for a job, which no matter what happens will be beneficial.

I wonder if she is trying to buy herself time so she can afford to live without me. I am so bitter angry and hurt, she could tell me lightbulbs run on electricity and I wouldnt believe her. My friends and family all think I should just leave, however I want to try to make things betetr (if possible) She agreed to go to counseling, I will call tomorrow to find out what I do to get this thing started. Any advice, concerns, help, encouragement, pecimism etc. would be helpfull.

I'm wondering what exact proof you might be waiting for? Do you want to actually wait until you see him in bed with your wife screwing her?

Search, pardner, your wife is committing adultery. You just don't know the depth yet…nor do you know how many men she’s been involved with. I see signs in your narrative she’s actually done this a number of times. Don’t take your wife’s word she’s suddenly come to see she needs to work hard on the marriage. A couple of days ago, a wayward spouse on a current thread out here swore on her children’s souls she was no longer talking to her partner in adultery just before being confronted with irrefutable evidence she was. Cheaters lie, it’s what they do in order to cheat…and they get very, very good at it.

MDC showed you some threads out here to give you a starting place on how to recover your marriage if, in fact, that’s what you want to do. Check out the “Spying 101” thread so you can mount a military-style intelligence operation. Don’t hesitate to. Your wife’s lies to date justify it…in fact they make it absolutely necessary.

A good starting point would be to begin carefully watching your wife’s cell phone account for a series of calls to a number you don’t recognize. Another is a keylogger on the computer to check email, Instant Messaging, etc. You have that reservation receipt for this “cabin” thing. Call the management there and ask if the reservation was for a single woman or what. In other words, mister, you need to get proactive in a hurry. You won’t save your marriage and bring your wife back to you by sitting around and asking her about things she is sure to lie about.

You’ve said a couple of times she goes psychotic on you. Do you mean that as simply a graphic description of her reaction? Is she yelling and screaming, telling you that you must be insane to even consider such a thing about her? If she is, it’s a manipulative technique called “gaslighting,” and it’s a favorite technique wayward spouses use. If she can convince you that you are crazy for suggesting she is cheating, you must be wrong and she’s right. You’ll back off and give her more room to conduct the adultery in secret.

After all your physical problems, how will the hard work of dealing with an adultery affect you? Are they all resolved or will stress bring them out of remission?

Talk to us, Search. Do you want to save this marriage if you find absolute proof she is cheating on you? If you do, you’re in the right place. MB is dedicated to doing just that. It’s hard work though. The folks here on MB will be with you in the long fight. They understand what you’re going through because they’ve been there. They’ve come through the process sane and well. You can to. What say you, friend?

Search - are you out there? What's the haps?

This is the place to be to make yourself better if not your marriage.

Talk to us, Goose.

Hi, Search, I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you too, and will be praying for you! Like the others have already said, there no sense in asking your W for the story! She's not willing to give up a single detail to help you uncover all of her lies. You know as well as everyone here that she's having an A.

Even though, you are devasated right now, you need to collect yourself and focus on the task at hand! I don't think anyone mention AD's to you yet, but you may want to check with your dr. to help you think straight while going through this. Emotions are a very powerful thing and they need to be kept in check right now! In order to Plan A, you will have to work very hard to push your pain and hurt aside. you will have to create a loving environment, no talk about your relationship (and that will be very hard). As it was told to me, be patient, stay busy, work on yourself in a positive manner, and STAY HEALTHY!

I'm really concerned about your health.I'm interested in hearing your answers to Longhorn's medical questions.
Keep your head up, and post, post, post! We are all here for you! You will have good days and bad days!

Dear Search4truth,

I see quite a few red flags in your story that would lead one to believe your wife is in an affair.

First off, in quite a few cases, the affairs are often initiated after a life altering moment or moments.

Such as

Death,

Sickness,

etc.

In your case, I could imagine your wife was having to cope with being strong for you while you were fighting for your life.

I imagine she felt fear of abandonment,and the ability to cope with the thoughts of losing you, or having to become the breadwinner.

Life altering things can all contribute to affairs.

No sense in arguing with your wife about whether she is in an affair.

She will deny it to her deathbed. That my friend, is the nature of the beast.

You simple acknowledge that she is in an affair as a statement.

Now is the time to brush up on your detective skills that you will be using for the next few months and possibly longer.

Remember, don't give up your sources of information; when you do so you give up that resource.

There are many things that you can do to help destroy the affair your wife is involved in.

First of all, Read up on this website, Plan A and Plan B.

Monitor your wifes cell phone usage.

Set up an voice activated digital recorder in her car.

Buy a GPS and attach it to her car to monitor her whereabouts and times.

Set up a keylogger software or hardware program on her computer to gain access to her passwords and things she might be emailing the om.

WS are aliens. By nature, they become secretive, and lie when questioned about their involvement with others.

Just understand when they resort to saying cruel things like "I love you, but am not in love with you", they are being said by somebody that has lost their sense of right and wrong and are high on the endorphins of the affair and are mistaking these feelings for love.

Your best ally right now is the advice of Dr. Harley and experienced posters on this board.

In summary,

Read up on Plan A and Plan B

Do not commit love busting acts.

Be calm...........

In face of the storm, remain in full control, feelings in check.

Bring your worries to us. We will help to guide you through the storms you are going to face.

Sincerely,
k.d.'s heartbreak

Search,

Read your orginal post again, and then tell me who is deluding who. You are deluding yourself and you know it. Your W has issues, some perhaps stemming from your illnesses, some from the affair, some (the spending from something else). Face these things and then hire a PI to find the information you need. However, you might want to consider a PI from another place as one of the suspects is a cop and might know the PI, or be able to get to him. You need to gather the information.

So first put a keylogger on your computer, get some recording devices from Radio Shack and place them in your home and perhaps on the phone. They may or may NOT be admissible in court, but they will help you prove to yourself what you should strongly suspect. Just remember your W will need to be confronted with the proof, but she won't need these things proved to her, if you understand what I mean. She knows what she is doing.

Gather the information, work on your health, focus on your children and then let's see what happens.

God Bless,

JL

S4T,
I just read your original post. I'm glad you are HERE, we can help you.

Stop confronting your wife. She WILL NOT admit to anything right now. Don't trust a word out of her mouth. HERE we call it fog babble...it makes no sense...she is living in a fantasy world and wouldn't know the truth if it bit her on the [censored].

IC may be helpful to you but MC w/an active WW(Wandering Wife) is a waste of time unless its w/ the Harley's. I tried that. My WH lied during counseling sessions, and used MC to justify himself being a good provider and working hard and needing "alone" time to relax w/ his friends. Guess who the "friend" was?

Read up on plan A...look to see how you could be a better man/husband...not a doormat to fold to her every whim...but a better person. Gather information with the methods that have been suggested. Then EXPOSE! Since her brother works in police dept that would act as double exposure...her family and OM work place.

I know this is hard. Its unbelievable to us that our spouses are capable of such cruelty....its unbelievable to them too>>>>so they choose not to believe it.

Keep reading and posting you are not alone.

How is your health now? Its important you take care of yourself. How old are your children?