I have a really hard time in situations with people that have social expectations. I get really defensive really quickly, and so I push people away with my words. I've been to my fiance's brother's house a few times and he likes to talk about things that I feel should stay between him and his wife and it makes me feel uncomfortable, but it's not like I can leave the situation, so I get defensive and say things to get them away from me. Well, my fiance's brother has come to my fiance and told him "she probably is a nice girl, but we just haven't seen it." Now he (my fiance) has been asking me to change so I don't look like a black sheep "like Aunt Kim." I want to get along with the in-laws, but I don't want to be the only one changing here. Unless of course, I am in the wrong. Can someone help me out? What's the best way to handle this? Has anyone else been on this side of "I'm sure she's a nice girl, but..."?

Hi hrm. Next time you're around his brother and W, how about just being honest? "Oh, subjects like this make me really uncomfortable, embarrasses me because I don't feel like it's any of my business! Would you mind if we talk about something else? Thanks so much, I really appreciate it." Doesn't that sound nicer than the approach you've been taking? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree with the previous post but here is another suggestion.

I know many people will disagree with me here, but here's an idea...

I have learned that every family is differant, and what is off limits in your upbringing may be perfectly ok in this family. Find a way to losen up a bit before going over there

If it is acceptable in the situation, have a couple drinks befor going over to the in laws. Don't get hammered or anything, but enough to loosen up.

I am usually very shy before I get to know people. When I first met/began dating my wife I would be basically silent whenever we went to her family's. They wondered why, and I assume wondered they my wife liked me. Well, I started having a few drinks over there (her family is alwyas drinking) and of course I opened up a bit. Now I am completely comfortable with them, and they all seem to love me, and I them.

Anyway, I know it is somewhat unorthodox, but it just might work.

In contrast..you may want to consider this info from a "do I really want to have my life and marriage run in this way" point of view.

If hearing about intimate/private aspects of OTHER peoples lives is offputting for you..imagine how you will like it when it is YOUR intimacy and privacy being dissected for public entertainment.

Also for consideration..your fiance wants YOU to change for THEM. This is a big red flag in regard to his expectations and perceptions of what married life will/should comprise.

I'd get some premarital counseling and discuss some of these issues before committing if I were you.