Why are affairs so difficult to stop? Wouldn’t it make more sense to work on fixing any marital issues rather than starting a secret relationship with someone else? Why are men and women who are normally “good” people willing to break their marriage vows, compromise their values, and risk destroying their family to be with someone else?

The answer is that logic, reason, and common sense are discarded in favor of pursuing the emotional highs that accompany the affair. The problem with affairs is the delusions they create in the participants.

The first of these delusions is called projection. In projection, you don't really know your affair partner very well, so you can project all those qualities on them that you would want your perfect lover to have. Having mentally created your perfect lover, how can you not fall in love with them? This is where the fantasy comes in to play. (Which is one of the reasons why those engaged in an affair often claim that the sex was the best they ever had, not because the physical pleasure was any different, but because the emotional pleasure was at an all time high.)

In affairs, lovers have passion and romance, but no security or commitment. The thrill of a new relationship, the secrecy, the excitement that accompanies the deception, and sex with someone you hardly know all contribute to fueling the fire. The fantasy gives them a false sense of intimacy with their partner.

The next concept that characterizes almost all affairs is guilt transference. Since most people consider engaging in an affair dishonest, the cheaters have a sense of guilt. They try to overcome these feelings of guilt by rationalizing their actions. To accomplish that, they must find fault with the betrayed spouse. In their mind, somehow, the betrayed spouse must be responsible for driving them to have an affair. Many cheaters will go so far as to mentally re-write the history of their marriage, making it seem as though everything about their marriage was terrible and there was very little good about their spouse. They’ll say things like, “I have been unhappy for a long time,” or “He/She [affair partner] has nothing to do with our marriage problems.” And of course, there is the ever popular, “I’m not in love with you anymore.”

They will say these things with an earnestness that makes them believable. That is because they actually do believe what they are saying. But don’t make the mistake of believing anything a wandering spouse says with regard to their relationship with you or their lover. The affair started with lies and deception and it will continue along those lines until the wandering spouse stops the affair and goes through a withdrawal stage.

So how do betraying spouses manage to forget all the wonderful memories that they made with their spouses in marriage? How can they throw it all away? The answer is they are blocked out. Sentimentalism about their spouse would intrude on their new-found love; they won't allow that. It would also bring their guilt to the forefront.

What are the chances of saving your marriage? If all affairs were the result of one spouse not meeting the emotional needs of the other, then you would expect that all marriages could be saved from divorce if both spouses were willing to meet those emotional needs. But not all affairs begin because one spouse fails to meet the other’s emotional needs. Some affairs begin simply as strong physical attractions that turn into sexual relationships, which in turn can develop into full-blown emotional romances. Almost all of us know someone who claims to be happily married, yet they cannot resist “fooling around” on the side when the opportunity presents itself. Sometimes this involves issues of self esteem, sometimes it is sexual addiction, sometimes it is just a spouse who takes the concept of fidelity lightly (at least, when they are the one having the affair).

The chances of saving your marriage depend on so many factors that no one can tell you with any degree of certainty what will happen in your situation. Statistics indicate that most affairs don’t result in divorce, so if saving your marriage is your goal, probability is on your side. But most affairs are addictive and are difficult to stop. From discovery of the affair to whatever the final result will be, you will be put through an emotional wringer. You will have to tread a narrow path to save your marriage, and at some point you may ask yourself if it is all worth it.

For most people, saving the marriage is definitely worth the effort. The MB books, counseling, and website can provide many answers for putting together a plan for marriage recovery.

You may never understand the real reasons why the affair began, but that isn’t always necessary for recovery. It does help to understand why the wandering spouse is behaving in a way that makes them seem like a stranger to you. Call it a kind of temporary insanity. The purpose of this post is to assure you that you are not the crazy one.

Hiker,
thanks for the post. I try to tell myself every day that I'm not crazy.
That the past 17 years weren't all for nothing. That there were happy times.
Hang in there until you can honestly say to yourself that you have had enough and have taken all you can take!!

blindsided

Very good post! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It almost reminded me of the following thread:

How the wayward get wayward, and why they sound so dumb...

Thanks. I am hoping to emphasize the fact that little or nothing that a WS says can be accepted as truth, although it can easily become THEIR truth.

I really like the analogy of alien abduction. It helps to inject some humor into the madness of the affair.

I have thought of my once loving hubby as a stranger but an alien at least brings a temporary smile to my face!

This is especailly true considering we took a weeks vacation right before he left in the begining of May and had a wonderful time together.

My sister says I have to stop confusing a good time with a good relationship. I know , I know but doesn't it say something about the relationship if we still enjoy each others company?

Or am I being naive again?

No. My wife and I are still enjoying each other's company. It's just that she would rather be with the OM.

She has pushed our relationship into a non-physical friendship. But if that is the only thing offered, take it. Eventually the affair will end and you may have a chance to rekindle the romance.

I will take whatever I can get right now. He has been gone so ong that I will take a goodmorning hello and be thrilled.

I am hoping that just being home after being away for so long will give him a little dose of reality.

He has been in his fantasy world for a month now.

The fantasy will continue. He'll probably call her a lot and you may be aware of it. It's okay to let him know that it hurts you when he does that, but it probably won't affect his behavior.

I know he will keep calling her. He knows I hate it. But I think at this point since the A is out in the open the "fun" of it will be gone because he won't have to sneak the phone calls.
I just have to make my self available if he wants to talk.
And not force conversations.
Of course I can't do that when I am at work and he calls her a lot during the day but I can't change that.


Have you in the last 3 months seen any change for the positive in your wife?
By positive that she is "coming back to you" at least emotionally?

I am asking because it seems as if both of our WS seem to really be having phone affairs.

In the first two or three weeks since I discovered the affair, I wasted a lot of time trying to reason with my wife to stop the affair, get counseling, and work on the marriage, all of which she refused.

Once it became clear to me that that approach would not work, I began Plan A. I stopped trying to reason with her, but made certain things clear. I made sure that she understood that I will not tolerate the affair indefinitely and that a time would come in which I would leave if she didn't stop. I didn't set a particular date to purposely keep it vague. I did everything to avoid lovebusters and I made sure most of our family members knew about the affair. I still need to expose her to her grandmother once some health issues are resolved with her grandparents.

In short, I have been my usual friendly, accomodating self except with regard to the affair. We don't talk about that much. We still go out to movies and have dinner, but it is cordial, not romantic.

There is no lovemaking, sometimes a hug or a short friendly kiss, but it always seems strained. The best analogy I have heard about this feeling is that there is an elephant in the room with us, but everybody pretends it isn't there.

So the short answer is that she is not coming back, but she is not avoiding me either.

I guess that is why we feel they way we do.
The WS givs us just enought to hang on to. Just enough to believe that someday maybe......

I think I will probably get a rude awakening when he comes home. He hasn't asked for a ride from the airport and I am still debating whether or not to take the day off work to be home when he gets there.

Thats what I would have done before the A.

I am afraid to come out and ask him to stop the affair. I guess I am afraid fo the response I will get.
I feel like I neen real time in Plan A before I put that request out there.
Right now I feel that he will just choose her rather than deal with me.

You said 2 or 3 weeks after you found out you confronted her and asked her to stop?

No. I asked her to break it off the night I found out, told her it needed to be done or we would be through. She didn't say anything. The next day I started talking about counseling and working on the marriage, both of which she refused. Then she said she wouldn't stop the affair.

when I asked him to stop talking to her on the phone. He didn't really say yes or no. he said we are just friends, yeah right, After that he told me he didn't know if he was in love with me anmore and that the last few years of our relationship were awful. I now know this is the fog he is in.
He went to counseling to humor me. He said so.

Have you gone to counseling for yourself? I have and it does help me help myself.

I guess we are really in the same boat. We want them and they don't want us.

Blind,
I too am scared to ask him to stop the A. I know he's already chosen her.

Did some LB'ing yesterday. Didn't mean to, just got so mad that he has no time for the kids.

He told me I'd better get used to him living on his own. Guess that means he's not coming back. They are already living together.

cat girl,
I just bumped your interesting post. so we can talk there if you would like.
blind

I have been counseling with Steve Harley. It helps me, hasn't helped our marriage because she refuses counseling.

But by all means get counseling. You will likely need it whether your WS comes back or not, plus it will help you in future relationships.

I'm in IC. WH doesn't see need for MC, he's too happy with OW.

I go to IC to vent and cry. Have to keep it together here for the kids, so that's the only time I get to release.

I'm on AD's and anti anxiety pills. Don't know if they are working. Still a nervous wreck all the time.

Hang in there. Things will get better for you.

Just posted on another thread. He left for his own place sopposedly to think about our M. Well, OW and him are living together there. He has no intention of coming back here.

I just can't take the pain anymore. People think I have anorexia I am getting so thin.

I think maybe it's time for D. Hate to do that to the kids, but what kind of role model is he to them anyway?

Have you thought about getting a prescription for antidepressant medication. I am told it helps quite a bit.