well, i have not posted in awhile so thought i would say a few things i have been thinking about...

it has been over one year now since i found out about my ex's last affair, over one year since the end of the end of the end.... the end of something that had been over for at least 3 years prior. as hard as it was at the time, as much as i hurt and felt pain i never thought possible, the ending is what absolutely needed to come to preserve myself. i remember feeling at the time that i would never be able to breathe again, i would never stop crying, i would never stop grieving, i would never get the pictures out of my head...

but i can say, over a year later, that i have never been happier. i have preserved myself, become my best me again. it was a long and painful ride but one where i have learned much. a ride i know i will never ever be on again. as i try to get divorce and custody issues settled i have to say i do not hate my ex.. i feel nothing NOTHING for him at all. i look at him and it is like looking through him. i see nothing. i feel nothing. i wonder how we made it 9 years. i wonder how i remained with someone so long that i have absolutely NOTHING in common with! it almost makes me laugh.

i am glad it is over, i am glad over a year has passed. i love my life now and my future looks fabulous. God how stagnant my life would have been if i had let him stay. i love life now. yes, the divorce and custody stuff gets me sometimes because i just want it done and over with, but other than that, i have made through and have come out shining on the other side. it is an awesome feeling.

i believe in marriage, i believe in commitment, i believe in family and i absolutely want that again one day in my life. that's what it is all about to me. the next time it will be right because i will bring with me all i have learned. i cannot change the past, i can only look to the future and make it all i can make it be.

so here i am, over a year later, looking back, and being thankful i am where i am today and not back where i was then. mlhb

DITTO - The other night I was looking at DD's school yearbook and ran across WH's picture (teacher). I felt nothing; no attraction, no hate.

I'm so glad you're at this point where you can enjoy life again.

i am glad i have reached this place too. i was scared i would never get there but i have. it is a great place to be.

mlhb

mlhb,

It is good to read your story. My wife is getting ready to file for D from me after 3 years of marriage. I made her feel "alone" for a long time because I was dealing with my anxiety issues, etc. and I took her for granted and didn't show enough love and didn't do enough things with her.

So, she "checked out" on me instead of confronting me early on how she felt. So she takes half the blame...it takes two.

In any case, I've tried to reconcile with her and give her space and time in a 3 month separation. But still, she says she just wants out and doesn't think those feelings will come back.

ANYWAY...right now hurts like nothing else. To lose someone you love and not have any control over it.

I'm glad to read your post and to see there is light on the other side of all of this. It gives me hope...

Well I'm happy to hear that there is life after all this. My WH is still living in the home and to have to look at him and hear of the contact he still has with OW is crushing. I wish he would just move out. Last summer he was moved out and having a good old time with OW and like a fool I thought he was really wanting to come back and make things work. In the last 9 months I have done some stupid crap, listened to him about trading both cars for one, know I have a higher car payment for myself then before, I let him back in and now he won't leave, Had control over my emotions and was slowly picking up the pieces of my life and now back to square one finding it hard to function daily. How can one person(myself) be so stupid and think a man could change and love his wife? At this point I don't know if I'm ticked about the affair again or how I have no spine and let this happen again. He wants to work out some of deal with me. He does not want to pay for a lawyer, but my lawyer sent him papers asking for s. support, which of course he does not want to pay, he tells me I don't deserve it, when to people end a relationship it should be free and clear. He just wants to start a clean life. Boo Hoo, after him telling me yesterday about the day he had with OW, he can kiss my behind. Sorry for caring on so, but after 13 years he could show a little respect and not talk about her to me. Lawyer said not to leave the house, but I don't know how much more I can take.

you are NOT stupid, I let mine come home TWICE! It took me awhile to get to the point I am at now. I just want a divorce over with so I can move on completely. And it gets uglier before it gets better, at least in my case. But I think I am on the final lap or two here... getting some custody stuff ironed out, and that should be about it, finish up D papers and get them filed... Yes, I still have to deal with some of his crap right now, but soon, VERY soon, it will be all over with I hope and I pray! But even with the D nonsense and the straws ex is grasping out, I am still so much happier without him and my life is going exactly how I want it to be. So it is all good. mlhb

There is life after divorce. I am now divorced for 4 years. It was a rough time with the ex's euphoria with the OW. The divorce didn't go smoothly...for the ex wouldn't cooperate with my lawyer. The papers for the business we were running, he never exposed the paperwork for how much the business made. He was self-employed so he could hide a lot. He accused me of having the papers for the business....and he in turn took the papers. I couldn't prove anything to my lawyer or his lawyer....so I had to settle for little. Long story, but now I have moved on to a better life. I am finally back in school fulltime....during the marriage he wouldn't allow me to go to school. I started taking a class and after the 3rd or 4th session....I had to withdraw. I tried a parttime job....which he agreed on....and after about 3 or 4 weeks....he came to the business and made a big scene. I gave them my resignation the following week, orders of the ex.

It hurts to see the person you loved treat you like dirt. To basically toss you aside and use all their energy on the other person. Yes...you will find confidence in yourself little by little after the divorce (mostly women) and you will be surprised at how great you can handle situations efficiently. When it was stated things get worse before they get better....you betcha. During the divorce my ex wanted full entrance to the house that I and the kids lived in. I was scared and didn't change the locks...which I should of. I would come home and find him in the living room....or eating in my house. Cause he said the kids were here (they all could drive at that point).

I am now a fulltime student...working part time at my church in the daycare center. I have made the Deans list...and am very proud of myself. One by one the adult children have left to go on their own. I have only 1 adult child left while finishing 2 more years of college. I don't have to worry about coming home and wondering what mood the ex is going to be in. Yes...it has been lonely at times. I got very active in my church...and made beautiful friendships. Also, I am now dating a very nice man....for 10 months now. We are taking it very slow...and seeing what happens. I dated 2 other men....and ended those relationships...saw a red flag. One thing is that you will see red flags easily.

There will be life...wonderful life...when you get yourself back together. I no longer am in-love with the ex. I care about him...and to a degree love him...but not to be with him 24/7. He has changed...some for the good and some not so good. We communicate very little now...which is okay with me. For arguments seem to rise in communication. I don't need this anymore.

I too was told there is life after divorce...and didn't believe it at all. Now I can say there is life...I am experiencing life and loving it. Hoping this will help to hear my bit of testimony here.

Blessings....LoveinHim

mlhb, I read your post and was encouraged by how far you've come in one year. My WH and I separated in Jan 2006, reconciled a few weeks later, but it was a false recovery as he wasn't willing to give up the OW who is his coworker. He left me June 5 (I had to move out), and it's been almost three weeks.

I just found out that his supposed EA is really a PA, and I am reeling from the information. I want to know how did you get through the empty days when nothing seems hopeful? You seem so strong now. I feel so weak and defeated. I desperately want to be at your point, but I understand I need to go through this pain to grow as a person but it is so hard!

When did the pictures in your head stop hurting so much? When does the incessant crying stop? When does the pity and sorrow for myself end?

I have well-meaning friends who try to help, but they don't assuage the pain. I feel so empty and alone.

hopeandcourage, I will reply to you on this when I have a bit more time ok??? mlhb

I feel your pain. I'm at the point of crying at the drop of a hat. My mind races over nephews that i won't see grow up, a sister-in law that is like a sister to me (except when it comes to the D word) I hate the part of the side taking. I would love to know what happened to the better or for worse part of marriage. When did it come so easy to be replaced? That hurts like ******, My WH has somebody that comforts him through this process of D, he won't have lonely nights, eating diiner alone and the list goes on. I try to tell myself that I'm better off, but its still depressing. I struggle to crawl out of bed each, put a smile on and go through the day. I can tell you from past seperation with my WH, it took me about 2 months before I didn't cry like a baby, of feel sorry for myself. I wish you all the luck and congrats on the baby to be.

mlhb - i think it is great that you have reached the point you have! i too hope that i can reach that point. i just can't come to accept that i did everything i could to save my marriage and my ex tossed me aside like garbage. i don't think i will ever get over it. to know he has somebody else makes me sick and that he left me for her makes me even more sick!

i don't understand how anyone can just move on so quickly without caring about the person they were married to - like the marriage didn't even exist! i am now left with little self esteem and feel that i will never find anyone again. i hope one day i feel like you.

what was the turning point for you?