From my previous post, "Suspected Affair 15 years ago finally confirmed". It was basically a one time thing didn't even know her. Are those easier to get over than a on going affair or something thats happened more than once? To me it seems that it would be easier for someone to do the ONS because they know nothing about each other/where they live and it would be easier to get away with. Less likely S would find out. I'm having such a hard time with believing that if it was that easy to do it with someone he didn't know and get away with it that there haven't been more. So if someones more into the ONS are there usually more? Hope this makes sense, I've so confused, hurt and just lost the last week. Thanks

Depends on you...

The "ONS" my wife had bothers me much less than the years of lies. In that sense, the "ONS" may be easier for me to deal with than the alternative. However, looked at in context, the "whole of it" is more difficult for me, I am quite certain.

Again, it depends on you, as we all have different things that cause us hurt. In my case, the "wasted years" is a huge hurt. The fact that it was a stranger is a huge hurt. The fact my W went back a second night is a huge hurt. For others, these things don't rank near the top of their list of hurts.

You should work with a counselor to understand who you are and why this hurts you in particular. You will then be better equipped to deal with the hurt.

Todd

Thanks, Well I have to agree with you that it's the years of lies. The anger he had when I would bring it up. I don't know if you have read my orig. post. But I knew deep down he cheated because of the pubic crabs. But same here the fact he didn't even know her, met her a couple times at his work then to go home with her, hurts ALOT. He claims he didn't go back or ever see her again. But ONS seem like they would be easier to get away with. He swears there has been no more since, he said he knew when he did it he made a huge mistake and risked losing me. BUT with all the years of him looking me in the eyes and telling me he didn't cheat I don't know if I should believe him or not. When I started to ask more questions about it recently he would start huge fights with me and tell me it is stupid to bring up the past. I want to believe him but I just don't know where to begin.
With your wife, did she tell you or did you find out and how long has it been? Have you been able to forgive her and trust her again? Did you seek Counseling? We will be starting soon, he at least is very willing to do whatever it takes, but I guess time will tell how patient he will be.

My W told me. She had left the house and was "leaving me" in the words of her father (who was the message-bearer). A week later, after having gotten some counseling, she opened up when I asked point blank. I had always had some suspicion, but I guess was blinded by the fact I did not think she was capable of lying to my face like that for so long.

Counseling is a must. I won't lie - the recovery road is hard. We are not there yet but have made tremendous progress with the help of counseling.

The A was in January 1997 and D-Day was in February of 2004.

Personally, I find the lies and betrayal involved in my H's affair the hardest part to deal with. For me the 6-month EA that followed the 9-month PA is equally as hard to deal with as the S-x. The fact he was still intimately, emotionally involved with this woman and spending lots of time with her - and lying to me about it - hurts just as much as the time they were actually having a physical affair. I have often thought that had it been a ONS I would have found it MUCH easier to get over. Which is not to say, of course, that the betrayal of a ONS is easy to get over. Just my two cents.

Hang in there. It WILL get better. I promise. It's taken me 9 months to START to feel happy and like myself again and I know I'm nowhere near fully recovered. It sucks but the sad fact is it just takes time. Read the posts by people further down the road. It's been heartening for me at such times to hear that the pain does recede in time. Right now it feels unbearable but it WILL get better.

Hugs,

Lil

Thanks for sharing your story. I am glad it was just the one time, so he says, and but it just seems like an ONS is easier to keep secret. The lie for the last 15 years is the hardest thing for me. Plus we still live near where this took place, so now all the reminders, and knowing he drove down OUR street to get to her house is just such a horrible feeling. The hardest for me right now is knowing whether he is now telling me the full truth..
Thanks Todd for your thoughts. Have you felt like you can believe and trust her that she has told you everything, I mean does counseling help you get to that point? Thanks

Been offline a while...

I would say it's different for each person. For me, counseling has helped some, but I do not trust her 100%. I still question some things related to the A and also a situation where she clearly had the opportunity to make the same choice. Did she? Probably not, but I am not 100% ceratin anymore like I used to be. Please realize I am not exactly the poster child here -- my own personality has a lot to do with how I deal with this. YMMV.

Todd

I hope counseling helps, I just need to feel comfortable with believing that he's now telling me the full truth. I don't know if I'm suppose to just hope he's telling me everything and if we both want to work on our M we just start from this point on? I fear maybe he wants to spare me anymore pain, even though I keep telling him that If there are anymore I need to know so we can take all of it to MC. I know that how I have dealt w/ this the last couple days probably isn't the best. I have had a lot of angry outbursts, I say rude remarks especially when he says he can't remember something. He has been patient and so far understanding, but I guess time will tell. He appears to realize there is a long road ahead of us and he says he will be on that road however long it takes. Thanks