I thought I read an article on this website that talked about how the betrayed person has the right to be told 100% of the truth about the affair. I have looked and looked. Can anybody direct me?

My H is trying to get around this by saying it isn't healthy for me to be asking questions to find out all about what happened and that instead we should just be focusing on moving forward. Nice that he gets to "choose" that for me.

Amazingly selfishness, like stupidity knows no bounds...click here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

P.S. I'll poke around the articles and see what I can come up with for ya!

Joseph's letter in "just found out" might be helpful. I don't know how to create a link or I'd post it for you. Also, in the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, he talks about this. He was on Family Life Today a month or so ago. I didn't hear the whole show so I went to their website,typed in his name under guest, and read the transcripts of the show. Something in those might help.

Don't know where y'all are on the journey of recovery: here's a link to one of Harley Q&A columns about Coping with Infidelity

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5061_qa.html


Coping with Infidelity: Part 3
Restoring the Marital Relationship

But once apologies are made, a couple should move on to the business of rebuilding their relationship, and not dwell on the mistakes of their past. As much as you may want to talk about the affair or about any other mistake made, remember that every conversation on those subjects withdraw love units. And a Love Bank must first be overflowing with love units before you are in a position to waste any.

You guys are all so great! Thanks for coming to my rescue!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Since when does the rapist get to decide "what's best" for the rape victim? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> ummm, that ain't how it works. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

*YOU* - and only you is qualified to decide what you need to know in order to recover. And you WILL NOT recover if you don't know the full truth. This is information about YOUR LIFE about which you have a RIGHT TO KNOW. To not tell you is cruel and manipulative.

Let me just say that there are many counselors who believe that recovery is possible without knowing every detail of the affair.

Some aspects, like specific details of the sexual relationship may be better left unsaid. They can create images that are difficult to put aside and may even make the BS self conscious about that aspect of the relationship with their spouse.

Just remember, you CANNOT move on until you have the FULL TRUTH about the affair. You should not dwell on the mistakes of the past, but that does not mean you skip over COMPLETE AND TOTAL honesty about the affair. That comes FIRST:

From: Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair

"1. Honesty

The first extraordinary precaution to avoid your lover is to tell your husband all about your affair, and the decision you have made to restore your love for him. Then promise to keep telling him the truth about every aspect of your life, so you never again have a secret second life where you are tempted to hurt him behind his back. "

con'd at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

I agree.... Maybe that is why in the article of Doc Harley I posted above he stated it as he did..... While I also understand the desire to know all, one must also understand that that desire comes at a place where ones mental health is not at it's best.... If you're working through this in therapy, what does the therapist suggest?

SadBear....What exactly are you wanting to know about the affair?

It depends on the betrayed spouse. I needed to know every detail, others needed very little. But that decision always lies with the BETRAYED, not the betrayer, not some counselor. Marriage Builder principles dictate RADICAL HONESTY and it is up to each couple to decide what that means for them.


This can happen. On the other hand, if the BS does not have the details, they imagine FAR WORSE. So again, it all depends on the betrayed spouse. They are always the best judge of what they need or don't need to recover.

Bill, Dr Harley has never advocated withholding details of the affair; just the opposite. The quote you posted above is referring to an entirely different issue, which is DWELLING on it after there has been radical honesty. He never advocates anything less than complete and radical honesty about the affair.

I posted this on another thread earlier regarding honesty.

What you are going through is very well documented in the Veggie Tales video "The Fib From Outer Space".

Junior Asparagus breaks his fathers plate and the alien "Fib" tells him to lie about it. Junior does and the "Fib" keeps getting bigger. Everytime Junior lies the "Fib" keeps getting bigger and bigger until it is a huge monster that is going to destroy the town. There is only one way to defeat the now giant "Fib" and that is to tell the truth. As Junior starts admitting his "Fibs" the alien starts shrinking until it can no longer do any damage.

God I love the messages in these videos. We have our kids watch them and thats why it came to mind.

From where I am it took 3 years for my FWW to be radically honest about her A. It sucked and caused a whole bunch of damage.

I knew what I wanted to know, no gorry details, and she was not honest. Finally for the first time in three years I do not resent the person sitting next to me for telling me lies and being fine with it. I finally feel like we have an M that is worth saving. Either I am an idiot for staying this long or I must really love her. HOPE I am not an idiot. LOL.

Learn from Junior Asparagus!!!!

I see that now MEL.... Thanks for the catch... You'll have to pardon me, I ain't never lived this long before.... I do totally agree with the concept that it is up to the victim to decide what information they need in order to recover, however, I think the victim needs to be of extremely clear mind when they make that choice because once the cat is out of the bag it can't go back in.....

Affairs are nasty things, people having them often do things that are totally out of character for them, they hurt, they lie, they steal because of them. If I had it my way, affairs would be against the law and people involved in them would be strung up by their privates in the desert.....

BUT....

If someone is choosing to continue to love and build a relationship with partner after their transgression they need to be dayum sure they don't ask a question they don't want an answer to... If knowing that your hubby had unprotected sex in your bed while holding your picture with a woman dressed up as a circus clown & they did it in 7 positions beyond your comprehension one of which included a small farm animal in his moment of insanity will forever impede your growth in the marriage, then don't ask the question and just know he did the most selfish act created by man......

Here's a quote from Dr. Frank Gunzberg:

I caution against asking (and often recommend not answering)comparative questions, particularly about physical attributes, sexual prowess, and personality. Questions in this category include “Did your lover have (a) bigger or better _____ than I do?” or “Was your lover better or more creative in bed than I am?”

I think everyone would agree asking about the logistics of the actual physical contact would probably do more harm then good.

I did want to know how many times but never wanted to know the logistics.

Every other detail other then the logistics I wanted to know. My choice.

I wanted to know that in my life my FWW would be honest with me no matter what the circumstances and it started with the A.

Now she knows from now on to live her life like she will have to tell me the truth about everything. This may stop her from doing something like this again. The thought of having to actually be honest about your actions makes you think twice about acting.

Thanks for all the input...on my way to the session. I'll post on how it goes.

This is an excellent point that you make. I don't think most want that level of detail, however some do. But if they do want it, like you said, they need to be prepared for an answer they may not like.

I think, often, that just the WILLINGNESS of the WS to answer each and every question satisfies the need of the BS to know. Just that willingness is a huge contribution to the restoration of trust.

What erodes trust immensely is the refusal to divulge details to which the BS has a right. Just the fact that the WS has secrets with the OP to which the BS is not privy is very damaging.