i've been thinking, a dangerous thing to be sure. There is so much pain and sorrow on behalf of the BS's of the board, mixed in with longing for the WS to come home, repent , say I'm so very sorry, what a fool a was and basicallly grovel for forgiveness. As a BS myself, why is does it seem so much harder for us to move on, and accept that in some cases the longed-for moment of enlightenment on behalf of the WS is just never going to happen, or at least in a meaningful way. For myself, after two years I'm finally getting over the shock of being left while pregnant, and am left with more questions than answers, but am tired of waiting. I am not saying the WS never comes home or changes but sometimes it doesn't happen. I just can't figure out why it seems so much harder for "us" to move on than "them" - it seems the final indignity. Sorry to be a downer.

There are several reasons.

It's because they have someone to lean on and you are alone. They think they have what they want, their new lover. What are you left with? Just memories.

Also, having someone who once loved you reject you for someone else really takes its toll on your self-esteem. In many cases you want them back just to recover your own feelings of self worth.

probably something to do with any of the following

vows are more important to some than others

committment is more valuable to one than another

not being in love with a 3rd person

still being in love with the spouse

How are you doing today?

Pep

Today is actually a good day - I have a wonderful son, a great job, a wonderful supportive family -- and yet I still remain "stuck" in some ways. I believe people with intact partnerships and marriages fail in some ways to realize how much one's identity can become wrapped up in being half of a whole, until of course it all disintegrates. It is true that time away from the WS does afford one some perspective if in fact you can slog your way through the pain. Trying to be "whole" with one's self is a more difficult road in some ways, as you are left without someone to complement your own deficiencies. Perhaps it is not just WS that I miss, but being part of a duo. G

Well then look at it this way you were never half of a whole.

I always thought about it as two wholes coming together. You are still a whole. Being whole with ones self is obviously a more difficult road other wise who the heck would ever get married.

I think it is easier for them to move on because they already have found out that there are other people out there that want them.

For us it is the uncertainty of anyone ever wanting someone like us. If our own partner thought we were broken how could anyone else want me.

Not to mention you are dealing with the emotions of infidelity. I know I felt like a steaming pile of crap when I found out. Who would want that. Someone usually does move on first after a breakup thats just life.

It sounds like you are focusing on the good in your life now and someone will see how great you are. Trust me it is easier for someone to find you when you aren't lost.

I think you are not stuck at all

I think you are doing appropriate grief work


I think the WS who "moves on" right away
delays the grief work
and it all piles up
like 3 weeks without a good BM

and

that [censored] has got to get out sometime or EXPLODE

LOL

Try to remember a time before you met him. You were probably happy then.

Work on making yourself and your own life better in small ways and you will begin to regain self confidence. People are naturally attracted to anyone who seems self confident, and you'll eventually find someone else.

You called? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Absolutely! I totally agree with this (and love your Ye Olde Englishe way of getting around the profanity block <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />).

godot - My husband left, and has never come back. I threw him out on D-day. He never explained, complained, nothing. I was completely stunned. Of course it was a surprise to me, he had been cheating for 6 months by then, so he had a headstart on coming to grips with the situation.

It's been over 3 years now, and I am completely happy. I'm glad I didn't waste a minute more on someone who didn't care for me. You will get there too.