I have a really long story that is involved and I am not sure I can present it clearly. I’m hoping you can piece enough together to help me.

My H has had two EAs (one 13 years ago and one 11 years ago) then we tried to work it out. We went to a MC that hit on him and told me to leave him. We bonded over finding out what a snake she was. He stopped the EAs ---and began watching porn – first on video then internet. We had several confrontations and then he said he understood that it was hurting me. He stopped that and then began plating Sims Online and chatting with women there. Our daughters confronted him and he said they were wrong. He does all of these things late at night after we are all asleep. He has trouble staying awake during the day at times and totaled two cars last year falling asleep at the wheel. We talked about this and he agreed to go to bed by 2 am – he has to get up at 7 am.

Every time I discover his newest secret he talks in circles then says he didn’t know it would hurt me then that he won’t do it again. About two months ago I woke up during the night and saw him on Sims and he closed the window quickly and I told him I was done. I wasn’t upset, didn’t shout, I simply told him that he had made an obvious choice with his actions. I told him he needed to move out. He wanted to work it out. I felt he would just get sneakier. He convinced me to go to MC The MC said we should stay in the same house and try to work things out since we both still love each other.

I need him to come clean and tell me everything – I want details. He says no – says it will just cause more arguments. He has stopped all the problem behaviors – or says he has and my constant checking up has uncovered nothing. He says that all that is in the past and we need to leave it there. I can’t do that until I get the full picture and some closure.

Those are our surface problems. The marriage started having problems when our youngest daughter was born with medical issues. I had to quit work and care for her. I was devastated and he denied there were any problems. I got depressed and didn’t take care of myself. I already have a tendency to want to be invisible as a way of coping with sexual abuse when I was a child. I am working on my issues with this again and am working on liking myself. He is starting IC to figure out why he continually has these problem behaviors.

We both want to save out marriage – I think. So, every time I try to do things to make things better he says it feels fake and forced. Then I try to back off and let him take the lead and he says I am ignoring him. He says there has to be a happy medium. I am frustrated and need a lot of reassurance from him that he loves me and wants to be in the marriage. When he isn’t able to reassure me I feel frantic and want to forget the whole thing because I am afraid of getting hurt again. These overreactions are making it worse but I can’t seem to stop the emotional extremes.

Any thoughts? PLEASE HELP!!!!

Dear Lrning --

I'm sorry you're here and struggling, but you will find lots of hope here and a path to success.

You're situation sounds hopeful to me. I, too, have a similar background as you.

Have you read the articles posted on this site? The ones on the different emotional needs are excellent and may help clarify some of the issues you are facing.

As you've found out, your choice of a MC is crucial. Is your current MC familar with MB and its principles or would he/she be willing to read the Harely's book? That was helpful to my H and I. We also scheduled some appointments with Steve Harley, which were helpful in discovering our needs and some of our disconnects.

Don't feel guilty or bad about your need for reassurance. That's very common after some of the things you've gone through! The fact that your H continues to want to work on issues is an excellent sign.

Reading through the articles and some of Harley's books are also very reassuring and provide a great deal of concrete ideas and hope.

How often do you meet with your counselor? Once a week was necessary for us at the beginning and for quite some time.

Continue posting with your questions. Have you seen a doc? If you're depressed, a doc can help. During this time, emotional extremes are your marriage's enemy. It's a very emotional thing, but keeping yours in check is so important.

Take care,
Shellybird

We did take the emotional needs survey after both of us spent time reading the site. We found some interesting information. One of the biggest needs he ahd that wasn't being met was recreational companionship. I have repeatedly suggested things for us to do and he also declines with a variety of reasons.

The MC also suggested we try to do one thing every day to meet the other's needs and write it down and then reflect on what we learned from it. I have found that he hasn't seemed to notice or appreciate the things I do - must be making poor choices. He hasn't begun to log any of it.

These make me feel he isn't working and the frustration is huge. He says that both of these are forced and awkward. Doesn't want me to change for him. AARGHHH

It's hard to know exactly what is happening from reading a few lines here. Your MC (if they are good) should have a better understanding than we do.

Now, having said that, I hope you don't mind me commenting.

Many marriages have similar problems. Once it gets to the stage where trust is lost, it does take hard work to get back to a loving, trusting marriage.

Dr Harleys approach is not to find out what the problems are, and fix them first. His approach is to help you fall in love with each other so you are motivated to fix the problems, because you love each other.

There are things that prevent that.

Have you read HNHN, and Love Busters?

I am wondering if the problem is not as much needs being met as it is "Love busters, habits that destroy romantic love."

It also looks like both of you have a hard time understanding gender differences when dealing with the other.

I am not saying this to bash you, but you seem to be wanting to know what is needed. Take a look at Dr Harleys book "Love Busters" if you haven't already done so. Between the two books, we have been helped a great deal.

One of the things we found really helped us is to have a date weekly. We use it for RC quite often. We trade off - she is in charge one week, and I am the next. We try to do things that both of us scored high on the RC survey. Since we both plan dates, both of us get to do things that may be more important to one or the other. It's a good way to balance both our needs.

AS far as it feelng forced or awkward - it will be for a while until that love comes back. The first time love may come easy, but the second time you have to work to get it back. The habits that led to the loss of love have to be replaced with new habits, and it takes work.

SS