Well the W is on her way over and will be here in about 1 hour. I am so nervous. Why? I'm trying to look good, smell good, got the house in good condition..... But why? <P>I'm not sure what the point is ? She still wants a divorce so why do I feel the need to impress her? I hope I can hold it together while she is here. I want to be the "nice guy" right now but it is so hard. I have so much I want to tell her but I know this will be hard for her right now and I don't want to overwhelm her. Now is not the time to talk about us.<P>I have considered asking her if she would agree to a set number of joint counseling session and after which if she still wants a divorce I will not fight her. What do you think ? My fear is that after the counseling I will still not want a divorce and not go through with what I promise her.<P>aaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!! The tension is building and I am trying to relax. Thanks for listening.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Stonhenge,<BR>Thank you for the reminder. I also have a reminder on my body again..... My Ring. I will stick it out until I can't any more.<P>She came over and was here for about 1 1/2 hrs. We went through boxes of hersthat I had packed up after she left. We were able to talk about stuff... Nothing really related to us. Every once in awhile we would come across a picture or something that meant something for us both and nothing was really said. I helped her load up her car and let her use the computer to send a few e-mails and then she left.<P>Of course before she left I had to open my big mouth and ask her questions about us. I should have just told her I loved her and let her leave.... Idiot!! I did suggest that she would allow us to go to joint counseling before she file for divorce. She said NO. I said think about it, the offer is out on the table. She also let in a little chirp about how she feels that I am using the fact that she is financially strapped to my advantage???? HuH?<P>She was refering to her not being able to file for divorce I think. I told her I knew of a place where she could live rent free......Our house. <P>So I don't know how to feel. She did actually finish and give me her emotional needs questionare. I wonder why would she take the time to do that if she didn't care? I told her I loved her and she said " well, I love you too but do you expect me to say that when you tell me that you do??" I told her that I don't expect her to say anything and that I was just telling her how I felt. <P>Was I an idiot??? Man this is hard. It'll be awhile before I hear from her again. Until then I guess I'll suffer through the loneliness. <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

That's strange my wife filled out the EN questionaire right before she left too. <BR>I wonder if they are using it for a nail in the coffin so to speak, showing us where we went wrong ?<BR>The most amzing part was in the sexual needs ,my w said she needed it 3-4 x per week and we were at once every 6 weeks ! That should be an easy one to fix if she comes back !

Rutger/Stonehedge - <P>I think it's a real positive sign that your respective wives filled out the EN surveys before they left. This tells me, at least, that they took the time to think about the marriage and communicate to you some of their issues. I never got any of that befor my W split. To this day, I don't know what her most important emotional needs are. I mean, I can take a guess, but it's real dangerous to assume.<P>Keep those chins up boys!!

Hi guys,<BR>Thanks for the positive input and general support. <P>Stonehenge,<BR>Your W is screaming divorce.....Why hasen't she filed in your opion?? Do you think she is having her cake and eating it too??<P>I wonder if my W is thinking the same thing?? Deep down she knows she can come back at any time. She is currently borrowing money from her Mom to pay her rent. So I don't think it will be long before she is really hurting for cash. Should I help her financially or leave her be??<P>

Rutger - leave her be!!! She needs to see what reality would be like for her if you split. I know it sounds tough but if you support her it would be a crutch. <P>On the other hand, helping her financially does deposit love units. However, I vote let her be. Reality may sink in faster then.

Shattered,<BR>I agree.... Reality vs. Loveunits..... Hmmmmmm. Tough choice.

Hi Rutger -<P>Leave her be with the money......it is her decision to rent somewhere else and leave the marriage for a new life - not yours!!<P>She will have to worry about all the aspects of this "new life" and when they all hit her in the face - then she may wake up!!<P>If you aid her in this "new life" setup then you are 1) sending mixed messages - which is it : you want her home and in your marriage or you want her to have this new life..... 2) aiding a "having cake and eating it too" scenario...... 3) inhibiting her from learning about the realities of life and how her own income is her problem if she wants to be independent.<P>Hope this helps....I don't believe that it is a Lovebuster to let her experience everything about what she thinks she wants....she wants independence - then let her go for it.<P>Lovebusting has nothing to do with giving her the tools to run away from the marriage.<P>Hugs and Strength,<P>Sheba

Rutger-<P>I gotta agree w/ these guys. Show her your love. Show her you want your marriage. But DO NOT pay her bills.<P>Be her friend, her confidante (if she lets you, that is). But no financial support. This is her decision. I don't consider it a lovebuster to give her the independence she desires. I tell my 15 year old that w/ priviledges come responsibilities. And that I love her very much. She understands this. So should your wife. It's not a whole lot different. I'm not so sure that helping financially actually deposits love units. It may just make you look - well - you know the phrase.....<P>About the questionaire. I don't know. Never got that far. Wish I had. But it CAN'T be a bad thing, right?<P>Best of luck to you..<P>Lori<P>

Rutger,<P>Simply, what I see is a wife who is responding to your Plan A efforts!!!!<P>The problem is your measuring gauge. You need smaller increments of measurements marked out on that gauge.<P>If you can afford to help your wife, and it does not hurt you in a financial way, then that could be perceived as a controlling lovebuster. If you have to rob Peter to pay Paul, then you MUST protect your financial future. <P>Lower your expectations. Congratulate yourself on doing a marvelous plan A. And realize that your plan A efforts are beginning to show progress, small, but progress.<P>M4B

Sheba and lostvu,<P>Of course you guys are right.... She left and I must let her be. Let her experience the real world of bill paying.<P>M4B,<BR>I think your right and god thank you for pointing it out. I am expecting too much at once. On closer inspection it would appear that the dial on the gauge may be moving in a positive direction. I just wasn't looking close enough. Thank you<P><BR>You know I have said it before and I don't want to be a broken record but you guys are great!!!! Without you and this site life would be really tough for me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.<P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>