It is true that if you have a wayward spouse that once had pretty strong morals pre-affair they will suffer for their transgressions. If anyone has questions about this my husband is a perfect case in point: My Wayward husband....very good man with strong family values first 9 years of our marriage. Then he fell into the one night stand trap on a business trip and that opened the door to a two year affair with co-worker that started in April O4.

How did he pay.....well it really began to unravel when OW dumped him sometime between this past December and January. He was already drinking to much, and of course it escalated even more so that he could not perform in his job. Fast forward to now; the choices he made have completely destroyed his life. He's found out that the people he worked with that he trusted so much and saw as family were not trustworthy and he has been abandoned by them while everyone gossips about the affair. OW was seeing other men while seeing him...(what goes around comes around). He is full of shame, guilt, sorrow, BOATLOADS of IT. He has for all practical purposes lost his job, completely ruined his reputation, he was known for being a man of values and integrity, but now he doesn't want to talk to people and is ashamed of who he has become. He constantly cries, and tells me how he completely messed up his life. We have to sell our dream home in the country because we can't afford it anymore and it was all based on lies anyway. The bottom line is he was in a position of power and authority and he abused his power and took a huge fall. My WH says the affair made him feel powerful. I think Proverbs says pride comes before a fall. It is true and my WH is a perfect example of the devastating affects an affair has not only on the BS but the WS themselves. My husband has lost everything he worked so hard for, to have "the fantasy affair" and it will be a scar that never leaves him for the rest of his life.

The funny thing about it is in some of his still foggy moments... he will say he's not sure if he has a future with this OW and then 20 minutes later will tell me what a terrible person she is. His life has been completely devastated by his choices and this woman... they are truly in a fog.

Also if that doesn't convince you that Wayward Spouses do pay for their transgressions. This verse in Proverbs sure covers it. It fit my WH to a tee down to the last verse.

Proverbs 5:1-14

My son pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge.
For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword.
Her feet go down to death her steps lead straight to he grave.
She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not.
Now then my sons listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say.
Keep a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel, lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man's house.
At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent.
You will say, How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I will not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors.
I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly.

Did the intervention ever happen?

This whole comes around goes around concept left one thing out. The effect it has had on you. Unfortunately it looks like you are sharing a lot of the Karma effect of his A. Next time duck when it comes around so you don't get caught up in it.

You are right it has effected me a great deal, very painful and I hear you on the duck for cover.... thats what my sister keeps saying just get out of God's way. It's hard sometimes to duck when you love the person so much and you see them making awful decisions that are hurting both of you.

Thanks for asking about the intervention. He finally decided to go a week later yesterday. YeY! He has mostly been at home crying for the last week and being an emotional wreck. I finally just came home and stayed with him and you know it was actually a good thing. He was really real with me for the first time in 2 years. We cried together partly over the death of our grandma but also just about everything and he shared a lot with me over the course of a couple of days. Now he is in the care of rehab people for the next month and is going through detox at the moment. I text messaged him today to see if he was okay but he isn't responding.... oh well at least he is in good hands.

Thanks,
Rh

Good for you and good for him.

Once he is done with the rehab things should get better. It is hard to think clearly when you are not sober. LOL.

You standing by him is very admirable I hope he sees that.

I am not looking for it to come around anymore. I want it to stay the he!! away. LOL.

I know what you mean about the not coming around anymore, enough already. ;-)

I hope he wants to work on things when he gets out. He said he has to make a lot of "decisions" while he is there. I think he was partly talking about what he's going to do for work and his future. He's normally a very driven person and his indentity was wrapped up in his job. Beyond that I think he was also talking about us. He still says he doesn't know what he wants with regard to us.... Is that common at this stage?

I would imagine after going through rehab and working the 12 steps that he would be more preoccupied with being sober and trying to mend things maybe. That seems easier then coming out and saying I want a divorce. I get kind of anxious about it, but I guess part of all this confusion is the alcohol talking.

Also he still occasionally talks to OW which I hate but he is being honest with me about it. I think he is still drawn to calling her, but he also said he knows that he needs to stop contact and that he was open to talking to a counselor about NC agreement.

Oh well it's just all over the map...we have a good couple of days and I text messaged him early today to see if he was okay but he won't contact me. Only his mom who let me know he was okay. I guess I don't really comprehend all this yet.

"He still says he doesn't know what he wants with regard to us.... Is that common at this stage?"

Of course it is. Do you know what you want yet?

There is an inherent amount of work that needs to be done to get back to having a good marriage. The first thing I think people should really think about before they decide blindly on "making it work" is do they really think they can do the work necessary. Maybe your H is wondering if he has it in him.

I honestly believe this is a good First step. See how I integrated the 12 steps into that.

Hi RH,

I was poking around the site tonite and found a link you might be interested in. There's a fair bit there that doesn't quite apply to your situation, but boatloads that does.

It comes compliments of Longhorn - so thanks to him!

Here you go:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...;page=0#3014240