I broke the no contact with the OM about 2 weeks ago after almost 7 months. It was by email, not that that matters. I had started feeling like the efforts my H and I were making to save our M were not going to work. I missed the OM or at least the feeling of being “connected” to someone.

We are in MC with SH. Temporarily my work has me out of town for most of the week. We talk many times each day and I try to do my best to make my H feel safe. He has made so many changes and does so much to try to meet my Ens. I love him and don’t want to hurt him any more.

For the most part, when we are together we have a good time. We spend some time talking about my A, but less now than before. I’m still not sure he or I will be able to move past the A, but we are trying.

I have been accused, sometimes, of “rewriting” the history or our marriage. I know it was not always bad. We had many good times. I am rambling some, but I do have some questions-

Don’t betrayed spouses sometime “rewrite” history as well or is that reserved for the WS? Also, did any FWS feel like they were trying to save the M so that they would not hurt their S any more than they already had?

Yes BS's in pain can sometimes rewwrite history to work with the pain they are feeling - to make things make sense.

But not to the extent a fully engaged WS does...and if a BS gets to that point - garuntee they are probably in a revenge or other affair of their own.

It's only been 7 months - you are barely out of the woods...and you broke contact, so in all honesty - you are almost back to day 1 - ESP in your own personal recovery.

HAVE you told your hhusband about the break in NC?

Margie - I'm not a FWS but the key here is spending more time together. Living apart will ensure you both stay disconnected.

MT~

You feel this way because you haven't let yourself fully withdraw from OM...You've kept him alive in your thoughts, and part of why is exactly what BigK told you...You will not be able to fully connect with rprynne until you guys are living together full time...

Mrs. W

Dorry~

Yes, MT's husband rprynne knows of the renewed contact...But MT, I don't think I ever read how rprynne found out, would you mind sharing that?

Mrs. W

MT,



Heck, I just erased mine, much easier.



Ah, ya!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Hopefully you are not thinking this is a bad thing?!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> It's a START anyway, just like staying married because of the children. If that's what it takes to stay in your your M (for now), then so be it.

Don't give up MT, you'll be back in the ring in no time if ya just keep punching away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

KJ

MT,

"I had started feeling like the efforts my H and I were making to save our M were not going to work. I missed the OM or at least the feeling of being “connected” to someone."

This is where you give yourself permission to not own what is only yours and to seek in others a false connection...

OM is a fantasy...he truly, surely is...and it is the succor of the fantasy you went to when you began to doubt, resent, despair...from your own shame.

You can only control you...no one else. I know this. I did this...I lived in fantasy off and on, used it like food, fed my distraction, and it became my self-comfort from being wronged...feeling despair, anger at myself, and self-doubt.

Please know this as truth...you weren't really connected to OM...because you didn't live with him year in and year out, knowing how he belched and laughed at jokes you didn't; you didn't see him sneer at you when he spilled stuff, like it was your fault; he didn't feel responsible for all your anger, pain, resentment, frustration...he didn't dash your expectations because he couldn't...he wasn't real...he only got that clean slate image of you...what you projected as your best self...you may believe you could tell him anything...and you really couldn't...because you were a liar and he was a liar...which is the nature of As...

In recovery, no contact teaches us to not go to fantasy when we are upset, not feeling loved, or jumping into the future, dwelling there, painting a dull and sad picture...giving us those feelings today as if they were real...

Your marriage depends on you and your BH...that's it. You knowing you is what your life depends on...staying true and honest with yourself, stopping the fantasy, the past and future thoughts...owning what is within your power...determines your life. Only you.

You are not weak...you are whole and complete and marvelously made...as is everyone on this planet...by God's design. Not knowing this...choosing to believe childish beliefs, like fantasy as comfort, will destroy every relationship you have...because it prevents intimacy. You're blocking your own recovery...why? More self-punishment?

You have a chance at greatness in marriage...you're here...why sabotage yourself if you don't want to hurt your BH anymore? What if it is YOU who doesn't want to hurt your self anymore?

Stop looking at what is not yours...your BH's thoughts, feelings and beliefs are his...they can only be his. Respect him...he's your equal...separate from you...and he's doing a heroic act in wanting to save your marriage. Honor the hero in him and his choice...respect his pain as his own...and that you making contact again breaks that vow all over again...

Treacherous.

Awful.

Heart-rending.

Know you do not have to make that choice again in your lifetime. Own your stuff so you know you will never be unfaithful again...because if you don't, you will continue to betray your BH and yourself...and you take yourself with you.

LA

LA,

You never cease to amaze me with your words. I know your post was for MT, but i wanted to thank you as well. I have learned so much from you.

God bless,

KJ

My H does know about the contact. He found an email account on my internet history. He did approach me about it and at first I denied it. I did soon (within minutes) tell him of the contact.

I appreciate the comments and advice. I hate to keep posting questions, but how does one overcome the feeling of being trapped or smothered when spending time with the BS?

Margie - Those feelings you have now are a function of you still being in withdrawal and also because you only see your husband every other weekend. It isn't easy at first but if you 2 start spending consistent (daily) time in the same physical location and avoid contact with the OM, I guarantee your feelings will change and will do so much quicker than you think.

You are not a special case. There are hundreds if not thousands of people here who will tell you the above advice works. It isn't rocket science.

Spot on advice from BigK MT...Work the program and it will work for you...I didn't believe it either at first...Trust me when I tell you that you want what we've got...A Recovered Marriage is AMAZING-It will be the BEST relationship that you've ever known...Nothing at all like your marriage was before...

Mrs. W

"but how does one overcome the feeling of being trapped or smothered when spending time with the BS?"

I don't believe in overcoming feelings...they are information...to you about you...from your beliefs.

Trace the feeling of smothered...examined, judged, known? Coming from fear or your own guilt? Shame, maybe? Or is it a feeling of being consumed? Eaten up, overwhelmed?

You find out. Your feelings...nothing to live by...better know where they are coming from inside you...they aren't coming from the BS.

LA

I'm a BS, don't have any advice, but would like to ask a realated question.

Is there anything your BS could do to alleviate some of your "trapped" "suffocated" feelings?

My H has said the same things, so I'm just curious -- is it something he needs towork out himself or something I can do (beyond regular Plan A stuff) to help?

Thanks.

MT,

You asked stated and asked several things, I thought I might address.

You said
You should keep posting questions, that is what this site is for, so do not stop. Don't you find it interesting that you feel trapped and smothered when you don't spend much time with your H?

It seems to me you are transfering to him YOUR dissatisfaction with your life and your choices. Your fears and your guilt are being manifested as a "trapped feeling". The problem is that you will NOT make much progress until you and your H do spend time together and YOU realize he has a lot less to do or say about your decisions that you do. This is a manifestation of the rewriting histroy that many WS's go through because they don't like or want to face the choices they have made.

You are clearly still in withdrawal and your recent contact with OM suggests it is stronger than you are admitting to yourself. Let me ask you something. Why are you working on this marriage? I mean deep down WHY? I have a feeling that you don't really know the answer yet, but I am willing to be SH can help you there.

Please think about these things, but definitely keep posting your questions.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Margie,

I echo everyone here when I say the "smothered" feeling you're getting is from within you, and has nothing to do with your H or your M. That feeling is a sign of inner pain. Before my A, I smoked, drank, turned inward, and did numerous other things to distract myself from this feeling. It will only get worse if you don't take the time to take care of yourself...

Are you in personal as well as maritial recovery? Going on dates with your H and then having quality time to work on yourself will help tremendously! LA's post was wonderful and dead on... I recommend reading any of John Bradshaw's books, in particular "Homecoming" and "Healing the Shame that Binds You." Are you seeing an IC?

And yes, when I first started recovery I felt I "owed" it to my H and struggled quite a bit. NC, learning about myself and the love of my wonderful H really helped turned things around. You're on the right track if you're still seeing SH, posting here and asking questions. Don't give up!!

Okay--- Who is Steve? SH?

I don't disagree that the trapped feelings are more from within than from my H. I just can't seem to get over the feelings that when my H and I are together, I need to watch what I say or don't say, how I act, what I do or don't do. I feel like I'm always under a microscope. When we are not together, we talk many many times a day, but I don't feel like I can say that I don't really have anything else to say without my H thinking I'm up to something.

If I don't hear the phone ring and answer it, I get a feeling of panic that he will think something is up. I ask what I need to do to make him feel safe and try to do them, but when I don't execute perfectly, he thinks that I'm up to something.

I know that he has every reason to have those feelings. I just don't know if I have it in me to do everything that I must do for us to get through this. I am not in IC, but probably need to be. Just not sure I'm ready to face those issues. Am I just crazy? Some days I'm pretty sure of the answer.

This is called PRIDE...You just haven't come to the place where you think that what you did is all that wrong...You still have warm and fuzzy memories of it...still long for it...I gotcha...I remember this...Put aside the pride...Get that what you did was DESPICABLE(remember I say this cause I did it too...I'm not pointing fingers without understanding)...OWN YOUR BEHAVIOR...When you humble yourself you will begin to regain your integrity...You will want to become transparent then-honestly, it will be a joy to do this, because you will so much want to earn his trust...You can start to do all this by trying to put yourself in your husband's shoes...What if he had made decisions about your life without your input or consent? Cause that's exactly what you did to him...How would you have felt if he had slept with another woman? REALLY, REALLY think about this...and all of the details...What would that have done to you?

Facing the issues of what made you become a WS is what you need to do...You say you aren't ready...REALLY? You aren't ready to like yourself? Love yourself? You aren't ready for integrity? I don't believe that MT...I know that you are smarter than that...Sounds like a wish to continue to live in your fantasy world to me...Reality kicks fantasy's butt once you own your stuff...

Mrs. W

Steve Harley, son of Willard Harley.

"I just don't know if I have it in me to do everything that I must do for us to get through this."

It isn't about what you have in you...you were made equal to everyone else on the planet...

This is your choice. I don't hear the need in you for redemption...this was my motivation and many others. Do you just count off your mistakes and not learn from them? Do you self-absolve?

You choose what you want in life...if you continue living from your feelings, you will wreck a lot of lives, including your own.

Your feelings are within you...about you and for you...they are information directly from what you choose to believe and how you choose to perceive the world. They are silly to be lived from...choosing your course because you feel resentment, anger...which are signals...and you create your own resentment...not others.

Know your choice...to be accountable, listen for the phone (because this reminds you what you chose to ignore before), be transparent and stop contact. You could learn so much, like many FWW's here...like MrsW and others...find your power of choice and stop being the victim of your own choices.

All in your hands.

LA