Something to navel gaze about..

You *do* have it in you to run around the mountain.

You do have it in you to be aware and present and alert and whatever else..

See, you have already done all of these things during your affair.

You had quite a few balls in the air most of the time didn't you? A lot to pay attention to and keep track of.

Difference was that there was a pleasant gratification involved. Maybe a lot of them.

This time you aren't getting that stimulus/reward.

So the question is not *can* you [we already know you can] ..but *will* you even though it doesn't feel good right now?

You are all right, and I know that. It is a choice to own up to what I have done and a choice to work on my M. It has been so long since I have had and open and honest relathionship with my H (even long before the A) that I sometimes I don't remember what that would feel like. We both spent a lot of years manipulating each other and got very good at it. I have a hard time breaking old habits. I can't remember the last time that I wasn't juggling so many tasks, emotions and people (during the A) not to mention trying to manage the expectations of my H. I'm exhausted! I know it is wrong and selfish, but sometimes I feel like I would rather take a step back, focus on myself. Again, I know that is wrong and I did only focus on myself during the A, but it is a strong feeling...

Don't feel bad... we've all been there and had the same feelings. Things will get better!

As far as not having an honest and open relationship with your H, I felt the same way. I had an eye-opening moment, however, in IC. My counselor asked me about the honesty and openness I had in my other relationships (with family, friends, etc.) and I realized they were pretty much the same way! Once I realized this was an issue that I owned, I was able to take steps to correct it. It's hard to break old habits, but I work at it every day. Being honest is absolutely liberating!

You also have to remember that you are like a drug addict. When you withdraw from OM, it's like you're withdrawing from a drug. Every feeling is unpleasant, and you want to be left alone. While it's important to have time to yourself, it's also important to reassure and spend time with your H. I understand you don't really want to, and it just seems easier to give up. The guilt on top of the withdrawl is very painful. Just keep trying.... the payoff will be huge. During your A your H had to be a sweetheart when I'm sure he really didn't want to... respect him by returning his noble gesture. That's what real love is all about. Listen... REALLY listen... to SH and the advice that he gives you. And keep posting here! We all relate to what you're going through right now. ((MT))

You are right about my other relationships, even my immediate family. In my entire life, I don't remember being completely open with my family-we just don't do that. My work revolves around handling client expectations and telling them what they want to hear and then making it happen. My upbringing taught me well for that and it transferred into my entire life.

As for my H...I've spent pretty much my entire M trying to manage his expectations. Up until the affair, it was consuming trying to make sure that what I did or didn't do wouldn't upset him or disappoint him. Trying to make sure that he had what he needed to be happy. Trying not to put him in situations where he wouldn't be comfortable. Sometime I think I'm still doing it when we are together. I wish I knew for sure that wasn't the case.

JustLearning,
You are right, I don't really know why I'm working on my M. I have thought about it for several days and still don't have the answer. Some days, I don't want to work on it. That makes it difficult for me to want to be open and honest with my H, it makes it difficult to want to be around my H and makes SF very difficult. I feel guilty because my H has been so ...just guilty about everything. I really don't think I can do this any more.