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Where's the letter?

did you forget to attach your letter winter??

Sorry: here it is:



Dearest Tony,

It is with the saddest of hearts that I must write this to you. I am truly sad because of what has happened to our marriage, us, and our family. Please understand that I am not writing this out of spite, anger, or as a punishment. The actions I must now take are not actions of choice but for my own self preservation. First let me start by telling you that I still do truly love you with all my heart. I love you with more passion than the first day we got married and I do wish to stay married to you in a loving, caring, respectful relationship.
We had many more good times over the past 24 years than bad times. From driving to Orlando, Louisiana to fixing our car, talking all night, to all the Christmases & Birthdays. Raising three beautiful kids, looking for a house, our first new car together. Struggling through all the bad financial times and always realizing that even though we didn't have a lot of money we had each other through it all to rely on. Then of course finally turning the corner so we could afford to buy a house of our dreams. Those were great times for me. Being able to do all those things for you meant everything to me.
As I have told you many times over I am very sorry for the role I played in the breaking down of our marriage. I also am sorry that I didn't pay more attention when you were withdrawing from me. I realize now the places I was lacking in, I just didn't realize how important those things were to us. I do know that now, and I know how to make sure these things never happen again. And I would love the chance to prove that to you, and build a marriage that is better than anything we could have ever imagined where we both feel safe, loved and cherished by each other.
Unfortunately, I am now beginning to feel some of those thoughts and feelings slowly starting to fade away and before I lose any more of these feelings I must take some drastic steps to insure I do not lose those feelings for you and our marriage. At this time I cannot continue to do the things that must be done in order to restore our marriage until you have cut off all contact with any other women that may be providing you the emotional and physical needs that I should be providing to you. These "friends" you have are affairs. While they may not be Physical at this time ( I have no way of knowing). They are emotional affairs and they will always stand between our relationship. You have put them there and I cannot have any contact with you until you remove all contact with them even if it means quitting your job. Only then can we work on what we need to do to rebuild our relationship.
As far as the boys go, I will not restrict you from seeing them. You may see them at any time you like as always. . (I would only ask as always that they do not be around your friend Vanessa as she is extremely dangerous to little boys). Even knowing you are there at this time is too painful. You may communicate with me through the mail, phone, or voice messages and I will do the same. If you need to reach me for something important you may use a third party like your mother or my Mom. When you do pick the boys up I will have them ready to go and will send them out with whatever instructions or communication we may need. Financial support for them will continue per our separation agreement. I will get you another copy of the agreement so you can review it and adhere to it. I realize that over the past 11 months I have not asked for much financial help with them but the fact remains that this separation has put a huge strain on us financially.
I am asking you ,Tony, to please respect my decision to separate in this way. You know the deep pain and humiliation we have all suffered because of your going outside our marriage to meet your personal needs. I simply cannot have any further contact with you and this separation is necessary to preserve my love for you and avoid killing all that we have shared together and to give our marriage the best chance for survival. I am willing to discuss a future with you as soon as you are willing to:
1. Cut off all contact with any of these "special friends"
2. Willing to come up with a plan to cut off all contact with Vanessa and anyone else that you may be seeing now or in the past.
3.Be willing to help come up with a plan to save our marriage.


I love you so may ways. As my Best friend, my husband, my lover, the father of my children. I still love you today, As always. I Love you



Maury

Hi winter,
I don't know much about your story yet.
I think you plan B letter needs to be shorter, WS's have short attention spans. You are offering too many ways to make contact. It best to have things up front like your separation agreement and all other communication through 3rd party.

I am 1 week into plan B, had 1 slip (big one!), its not easy but its the best chance we have for WS to take us seriously. So keep pbl short and say what you mean and MEAN what you say!

I'm sure others will be along w/feedback.

I liked the first half; second half has problems.

First of all, YOU establish an intermediary. It's your way of saying that YOU are serious about this. You make it clear that he must deal with person X, send emails to person X, etc. Otherwise he'll call you to discuss intermediaries.

Cut out the lecture on emotional affairs.

Cut out the stuff about conditions for return. My personal viewpoint on this is you are offering him only the possibility of renewing contact -- not renewing the marriage. He's taking a risk in not immediately ending the A. He can't come back in five months or two years and expect that you'll be waiting. All you are offering is a chance to talk again. The message should be succinct: "Dump the loser and we'll talk." There should be no way that he can miss that.

Ill revise. I did talk to my mil about being the contact person as I only have my grandmother on my side who is 90 and my sister is in Washington, D.C.
She is very close with me (his mom) she said she didnt want to do this (in middle)she has been talking to him about him doing the right thing, dump vanessa, ect.

But if someone can provide me with a better plan b letter I ll modify and use it.

Hi Winter:

Great Job on writing the letter!

I loved it until you got to the section below:



As AM says, IMO, this needs to be cut short..much shorter. How about?

"In order to put all my love for you in safekeeping, I must now take drastic steps. I will not have any contact with you until you end all of your relationships with other women. It does not matter whether these relationships are physical or not. Your continuation of these relationships stands in the way of our ability to mend the problems in our marriage."

Going to the next paragragh, you say this:



IMO, you should spell out specific times for him to see the boys..not at anytime as he wishes. He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions and to RESPECT you. If you arrange it this way, it is as if you have no life. So if it works for you for him to see them REGULARLY, not just on weekends, I think you should ask for a 24 hour notice. Also, don't call Vanessa "his friend". That means that you buy that's all that she is. Just flat out say that you don't want the kids around her, without explaining why. He knows why..no need to call her dangerous. I also agree with having a intermediary and I don't agree to having yourself available to him on your home or cellphones. You are wanting to become as DARK as possible, cutting off all contact with him.

I think you only need to say this about the finances..two sentences...



Next, I would delete everything else until you get to the following sentence. In the part that I am suggesting for deletion, you are begging and pleading (not good or necessary for you to do this) and you are repeating what you have already said. Say this:



Then end with the I LOVE YOU sentence....

What do you think?

Here's the revised letter: Let me know what you think:




Dearest Tony,

It is with the saddest of hearts that I must write this to you. I am truly sad because of what has happened to our marriage, us, and our family. Please understand that I am not writing this out of spite, anger, or as a punishment. The actions I must now take are not actions of choice but for my own self preservation. First let me start by telling you that I still do truly love you with all my heart. I love you with more passion than the first day we got married and I do wish to stay married to you in a loving, caring, respectful relationship.
We had many more good times over the past 24 years than bad times. From driving to Orlando, Louisiana to fixing our car, talking all night, to all the Christmases & Birthdays. Raising three beautiful kids, looking for a house, our first new car together. Struggling through all the bad financial times and always realizing that even though we didn't have a lot of money we had each other through it all to rely on. Then of course finally turning the corner so we could afford to buy a house of our dreams. Those were great times for me. Being able to do all those things for you meant everything to me.
As I have told you many times over I am very sorry for the role I played in the breaking down of our marriage. I also am sorry that I didn't pay more attention when you were withdrawing from me. I realize now the places I was lacking in, I just didn't realize how important those things were to us. I do know that now, and I know how to make sure these things never happen again. And I would love the chance to prove that to you, and build a marriage that is better than anything we could have ever imagined where we both feel safe, loved and cherished by each other.
In order to put my love for you in safekeeping, I must take drastic steps and will not have any contact with you until you end all of your relationships with other women. It does not matter whether these are physical or not. Your continuation of these relationships stand in the way of our ability to mend the problems in our marraige.

As far as the boys go, You may see them at any time - I need you to let me know 24 hours in advance. (I would only ask as always that they do not be around Vanessa ). . Financial support for them will continue per our separation agreement. I am asking you ,Tony, to please respect my decision to separate in this way. I am willing to discuss a future with you as soon as you are willing to:
1. Cut off all contact with any of these "special friends"
2. Willing to come up with a plan to cut off all contact with Vanessa and anyone else that you may be seeing now or in the past.
3.Be willing to help come up with a plan to save our marriage.


I love you so may ways. As my Best friend, my husband, my lover, the father of my children. I still love you today, As always.
Maury

I like it. (You might cut out point #3, as you've already said it -- and again, part of the plan to save the marriage is already incorporated in #1 and #2. I guess I'm in favor of reducing the number of conditions in general -- and also, not giving the impression that WH can call five years later and you'll still be hanging on.)

I still say you need an intermediary. An intermediary is not someone to separate fistfights -- it's someone to relay necessary communications, and usually ensures that messages are civil. MIL might be anticipating nastiness, and she may be right -- it might be better to have a friend that WH won't be willing to make a scene in front of.

I agree with AM's suggestions AND the need for an intermediary.

I will ask a couple of friends and see if they will do it.
Can I ask a stupid question.....and this only for myself
Do you think they are still sleeping together and if his desire for me is not as strong as before when he was constintly asking for s**- does that mean he is no longer desiring me or because im not as accessable or easy?

Oh, Winter:

To be honest, he probably is continuing to do it with her. That's not anything new though, is it? At least, you have decided to no longer be used by him. You are putting down your foot now and saying that: "I will not share my H with anyone else". You deserve more than this. You deserve a feast and he has been giving you crumbs....

Believe me, he will definitely desire you even more if he does not have access to you. He thinks that you are sitting there waiting for him until he's finished with her. Isn't that YUCKY, Winter? You don't want to be his alternative option.

Try to stop questioning yourself, Winter. I know it's hard but we believe that you can do this..

Well. Tony says that he has explained to me before that his feelings had changed for me. That he was planning on moving out before he got caught with Vanessa that night. I 0told him that all this time I had been praying for us to have our marraige restored but that one persoon cannot do this - 2 have to agree.
He said your right- I have been praying too. I said you say your praying to know why you dont love/hate me. He said I dont hate you- i just dont feel the same anymore.
Just to let you know I have talked to many people and I went to see a shrink and I have been told to go home and work on your marraige. Your making the biggest mistake. I said well I guess their opinion is like mine and you dont want to hear it or do. Thenhe like:
1. If i didnt care about you or the kids I wouldnt care what happens or you could hunt me down as a deadbeat dad. Im not doing that.
2. I told you its me not you that has the problem- you have done nothing wrong- I have.
3. I dont want a divorce
4. If you wanted to see someone else - i would have to understand
when i get myself together then i can talk and work on things but right now - no. Why do you thinki get high so much ... because You dont know the pain im in every night knowing what Ive done and cant stop. When I see you and look in your eyes or see you so down and hurt i know Ive done that. Im like an alcholic- you know you drink and its bad for you- but you keep doing it until you hit rockbottom and get help. I dont want to burn my bridges with you.
I told him you dont even know what real heartbreak is. You have not walked in my shoes thru this. He said your right i never had my heart broken - but it wasnt my intent to do that- we grew apart and i looked elsewhere instead of coming to you. I said when it happens .. you'll see how much hurt there is, how the hateful stuff that is said by that person to you feels and what it's like.
I have decided that even thru this ... I am not ready/do not want another guy/ because I wont trust them and wont subject my heart to this kind of hurt again. He said it 's not fair to him or anyother person that will love me to hold that part back from them because of his doings.
He said in all honesty- if the tables were turned he would not have waited and worked on it as long as I have he would have given it 2-3 months and let me go and see what happened. I said well that goes to show i waited for 11 months out of my vows and love i had- but i dont even measure the same.
So ........I guess this answers my question on how my spouse really feels about me and where I stand and our marriage was a sham all along.

Winter:

Here you go again.

You didn't follow through with giving him the letter?

Your WH is not telling you anything different than what most WH's say. My H said the SAME STUFF. YOU CAN'T LISTEN AND BELIEVE ANYTHING HE SAYS, Winter.

There's is a chance that you can recover your marriage if you do PLAN B.

Otherwise..well, you know..I've told you this before...

Mimi, walking away, shaking her head, sighing....

winter--i don't think it's been a sham all along, but for right now you don't have a marriage... you must start thinking of yourself at this point, he will say anything to get a reaction out of you which only justifies his actions. I also wouldn't make any judgements on what you think you want for the rest of your life, if WH never wakes up from this fog.
You need to go dark honey

Mimi-
I saw him yesterday at son's luncheon- I gave it to him after before I left. . We are not going back over that again. I just said what he said - that's all.

Thanks Big wave. You know I said I was going to do this and I did. Im nopt trying to get offended, but This was the reason before why I stayed away. I asked for help, im following thru, i have questions and asked for support- but im not the same person I was 11 months ago.
Mimi-
I understand if you feel the need to give up... I do and im sure that during your walk thru this valley there were times when you were where I am and whoever here helped you didnt "walk away, sighing, shaking their head- they stayed and stuck with you. You said your marraige turned around.
I am that crossroad also. I'm not making excuses for me and i cant make them for my wh. I am taking a big step on faith that this will help not break this further.
I havent talked to him since the letter, dont call, hes called me 2x yesterday. I stuck by my guns even when he said im still going to call you everyday and still love you. Thru my tears and heart wanting to say ok- and be right back in the muck I told him he has decisions to make- read the letter- when he does as it says (conditions then we talk about us).
So I am working the Plan b.

Winter:



Winter:

I certainly am not giving up on you!! I was just sighing and shaking my head! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I never said anything about giving up. I don't want YOU to give up! There certainly is no indication that giving up is warranted. Plus, you didn't say you had given him the letter. GOOD WORK!!



Good Work!

Make sure to NOT TALK TO HIM on the phone...

I KNOW IT'S HARD...as you say, I've BEEN THERE..DONE THAT..and most certainly made mistakes...

Come here for support..

I'll be somewhere around...

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