I posted this in the "Emotional Needs" forum but wasn't sure if this is the more appropriate forum. If you've already read it over there disregard this one b/c its the same.
I don't know where to begin so I'll just start from the beginning. 4 years ago I was pregnant with my first child, my job was in jeopardy and my DH told me that he knew I wanted to live closer to my family so he suggested we move to my home state (CA) so I could be with my family. Since then, he has not been happy. He has attempted to move us and I have always come up with reasons why we should stay. I always told him that I didn't know why but that I believed that we needed to stay.
Well, last year I was diagnosed (8/05) with an aggressive form of breast cancer. I told DH that I finally understood why we needed to be in CA b/c I couldn't imagine going through this ordeal without my familial support. I am 31 now (30 at diagnosis) and we have 2 kids (ages 3 1/2 and almost 2).
The problem is this:
We have been strained financially since moving to CA and DH has been miserable. He lost his job a few months ago and now the financial strain is about to turn to ruin. He told me that he resents/blames me for having us move here b/c he made the decision to move in order to make me happy. He now sees that he can't be happy here. He wants us to move to MS where his family is so that he can move on with his career. I get along with his family (after some initial strain) but its still awkward for me. I've told him that I need my support system that I have here and that I just got comfortable with my medical team and that right now is not the time for me to leave. I just finished most of my treatments (6 mo of chemo and almost 6 weeks of radiation and still have a few more months of herceptin to go). I have not had my reconstructive surgery yet (my docs suggest that I wait for another 1-2 years before getting it that way my chance of recurrence drops drastically). The reconstruction is a major surgery and I don't feel comfortable moving before that is done. Not to mention I have an extremely high level of anxiety over the possibility of recurrence right now.
DH has not been very supportive through this cancer ordeal. He did not think he needed to be with me for my lymph node dissection (performed 3 days post diagnosis). He looked at me with disgust when I cut my hair in anticipation of going bald because "he wasn't used to seeing me like that." And, I had to beg him to go with me to chemo and oncologist visits. Through all of this, my mom was the person who was always by my side and I have a wonderful women's group at church that I depend on in hard times.
He believes that his family can be my support system and he just doesn't understand that its not the same. He admits that he has never understood what cancer has done to me. I used to make excuses for him b/c he has never dealt with a major illness before. However, that is getting old for me and I am starting to resent not feeling like I am his top priority. I have told him about support groups for husbands whose wives have breast cancer; told him about online support groups; and given him literature about how cancer affects that family as a whole. He has not taken advantage of any of this.
I just don't know what to do. I know that he wants to provide for our family but I do not believe that he thinks that my feelings are real. I have been a stay at home mom since moving to CA but I do have an education. I am an attorney barred in another state and am capable of getting a job. I have asked him to give a few months to see if I can get a job to help us out and if I do we will be in a much better financial situation. I have also told him that I only need to be in CA for another 2-3 years (just enough time to sort out my anxieties and complete my reconstruction--if no recurrence). I have assured him that after that time is up we can move out of state and start a life anew. This is not good enough for him. He just wants to leave now. He is now is MS actively interviewing and looking for jobs. I feel like I am in a race against time.

I love my husband so much and I know in my heart that if he just let himself feel for one moment what is in my heart he would not be doing this. Help please! I do not want my marriage to end over this.

I feel very terrible about your situation. It is such a heart-wrenching story. I cannot even begin to understand what you must be going through. My notes may not be much of help.

First of all, you need to be located where there is appropriate level of health care. It may be CA, it may be MS, or some state that you’ve never been to.

Secondly, your family needs a cash flow. The two of you need to come up with a plan where you can make it financially. Again, it may be CA, MS, or some yet unknown state to you. That means, taking your H’s career into consideration. What are his options in CA vs MS, vs elsewhere? What type of profession?

Thirdly, you need to consider what you want to do with your professional life. As you know, California does not admit on motion; you’ve gotta take the CA bar if you want to work in the legal field again. What is your specialty? Is it in some federal practice? Can you go in-house?

Fourthly, the reason you have so much trouble with your husband, is because he is very frustrated at the whole situation. He is in a new state, with an ailing wife, without a job, with a family of four to support. In his mind, it does not get much worse then this. Yes, it is unfair to you that he acts so badly to you, but it is not unexpected. It is not what he expected when he got married. This situation would put a strain on any marriage.

Fifthly, do not push him into going with you for chemo, visits, etc. It is not the normal feeling of being uncomfortability of being in a hospital. It’s more. It tears him up inside not only because you are hurting, but also because he feels powerless. A woman friend can empathize with you and provide support emotionally and that is sufficient type of help for her to give; a guy simply NEEDS to do something about the situation in order to feel that he helped. He does not see that going to a physician with you as something useful, thus not helpful.

Sixthly, despite what I wrote above, you’ve got to take an initiative. You’ve got to show him that you are a strong woman who is not going to let cancer stand in her way of achieving her dreams. Do not “ask him to stay in CA”, but just discuss it as a partner. Talk.

I don’t know if any of this has helped you, but my heart goes out to you….

Thank you so much AverageGuy. I never really thought of him wanting to "fix this" as a need before. I mean I knew that he always feels as if he should be doing something "worthwhile" but I never saw it in that light. I guess it really is a need for him that I must sympathize with. I always tell him that he must understand that my need to be with my family right now is real...I guess I must understand that his need is just as real. Its funny you bring up taking the CA bar. H and I discussed me taking the bar exam here and I already decided to do it (it just so happens that the timing of him losing his job and all put a damper on the expense of following through). I'm now looking for work where I may use my legal skills in a non-traditional setting. I've applied for so many positions and I'm only asking/hoping that he'll give me a little time to see if I find something. I know there are no guarantees but I believe its worth a try. He does have a contract for a position in the fall but its not making as much money as we need. That's why I figure that if I get a job we'll be ok. We're not even in a position where I have to find a job making lots of money (although that would be nice)...just enough to compliment his income. Really, I am ready to get back out in the workforce and it would make me happy to help us get back on track.
Hearing from a male perspective was very helpful (especially b/c you didn't make me feel like I'm just paranoid).

Again, THANK YOU!

I really feel for your situation. To have to deal with cancer is one thing but to lack the support of your husband takes it to another level.

It seems to me that neither one of you are listening to each others needs. For your husbands part you need to consider how he would feel being supported by his wife who is just recovering from cancer. That wouldn't be easy and are you sure your marriage could survive years of your husband feeling totally useless.

I understand that you don't want to change medical teams mid treatment but 2 - 3 years must seem an eternity to your husband if he can't see his way out of the employment situation.

If you still love each other, and it sounds like you do, you need to sit down and discuss the situation and come to an acceptable compromise.

Perhaps you could seriously consider moving in the short term as long as your husband can come to terms with your illness and fully support you through future treatments.

I am sure that as you have gotten this far, without your husband at your side, you can learn to trust a new medical team.

I think if you just sit it out where you are you will be both putting your lives on hold rather than looking to the future.

I know life must be so difficult for you at the moment but I have seen so many good marriage destroyed when one partner relies more on their family than their spouse.

You need to start oulling together as a team and work through this together with compromise on both sides.

Good luck, I really hope you sort it out.