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Gosh..
[waves hand in front of face]
Don't go bringing me any coffee for goodness sake!
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HTW>>>>>STOP<<<<<<<
You KNOW this, you recognize what it is...YOU are even starting fog babble!!! Has the alien ship been hovering over your house to long????
On my thread you said you were gonna kick my but if I fell off the planB wagon again!! Good. IF you willing jump on the WS wagon KNOWING FULLY what you are doing....the consequences are much worse. Don't go there.
DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR KIDS!
They already lost one parent to infidelity and don't kid yourself that it won't affect them. It affects you, it affects them.
Believe me I know what its like not to get your needs met. Is that really the only excuse you need to betray your family. I don't think so. You are not one to have a pity party don't start now!
I think you posted because you don't want to do this. YOU KNOW its doomed from the start. Its a temporary fix for a bruised ego. You KNOW nobody here is going to say "Go ahead and get it out of your system." NO WAY!!!!!
Step away from the temptation. Use this as a tool to hold onto a little compassion and forgiveness for your wife. Now you have experienced how EA can happen. You have the tools and knowledge she did not.
You need to take some cold showers with plenty of soap and work on other areas of your life.
You don't deserve to mess up your life this way its a quick fix to a problem that will only make that problem bigger.
You have been through so much and living w/WS is SOOO hard, it takes a toll. But you have learned so much and grown so much here. Even if you M doesn't work out use the skills you have learned. Don't start a pattern of destruction and leave you kids in the wreckage.
You've got me all riled up here. I want you to be able to look yourself in the mirror and be proud of the man you see. You are a good man. Do the right thing.
You are in my thoughts and prayers CC, I must say I'm a little embarrased to have you read this thread since we tried to help each other through much of this crap they call adultery. I don't know what to say to you...it's not even close to a PA but I'm afraid it's developing into an EA and even knowing what I know about A's something is pulling at me. It's the strangest feeling especially knowing what I know. It is hard to explain and that is why I respect the insight from those who have gone through it. I hope I'm not dissapointing you...man I feel like a child who was caught doing something wrong by his parent.
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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Gosh..
[waves hand in front of face]
Don't go bringing me any coffee for goodness sake! LMAO!!!!
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It is hard to explain and that is why I respect the insight from those who have gone through it. Dude, Nearly every single person who posted to you experienced betrayal.
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Hi-- I usually just lurk here, but Hope I think you should go for it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> And then when you have done what it seems like you so badly want to do, you will realize that you've lost your self respect and pride in who you are. Would that be worth it? Really? I know that you don't know me, but I really think that would be way too high a price to pay for a little bit of fun. Good luck. HU2006
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HTW, you have been in Plan A for SOOO long that your TAKER has now come roaring onto the scene with a mind of entitlement. You are NOW a WS!! mel, I figured I would hear from you sooner or later. I completely agree that my TAKER is in control and my GIVER has almost dissapeared. Just because I have an attraction to another woman you are calling me a WS? Aren't you being a little harsh. I agree that I'm leaning towards this becoming an EA and that is why I'm trying to figure out why I'm feeling this way. What happened to PLAN B, HTW?? Has Plan A just become your way life? This has dragged out for so long that you don't even care anymore. Why is she still living there?
Wake up, my friend! You are doing exactly what your W is doing. Plan B will start when she leave on Aug 4th. I will not do an in house Plan B and I'm no longer in Plan A. It has been way to long...you are right and always were. This should have ended months ago. She is still living here because she won't leave until the LSA is signed which isn't expected until the end of June at the earliest. My lawyer said I can't kick her out and if I did she has every right to come back until the house is under my name only.
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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YOU'RE married... YOU'RE the one who's vulnerable...
...and this girl... will hate HERSELF one day, if she gets involved with you, as a married man.
Please, listen... those of us who have gone down that road... and hate who we *were* during that time... are embarrassed about what we did to "feel good"... the humiliation ... the pain... to everyone.
We can't make you change your mind... only you can do that. I hope you do. I'm listening...that is why I started this thread. When did you know it was wrong? At what point in your A did the lightbulb go off?
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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I remember working in an office as a nearly newlywed - working for a cute, divorced clinical psychologist.
I had no idea that I was beginning an EA with him, until one night, he showed up in my dreams.
As soon as I recognized that there were enough feelings for him to have that happen, I shut it down. I stepped back, made office communications just a bit more professional, not so much joking around. In time, I was able to get the tiger's nose back in the cage with the door locked shut, and not ruin the genuine friendship I had with him.
Once that tiger gets completely out of the cage (and believe you me, the girl in your office has known you for 18 months, during the which time, she knows full well of all your vulnerabilities, so her "virtue" is totally suspect, and on the league of OM's "virtues" since she's preying on a vulnerable married man), there is no putting it back in the cage. You will have to quit to find your own virtue should you let this continue. Get that tiger securely back in the cage while you earn your divorce or win your marriage back.
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Hope - you are JUSTIFYING, RATIONALIZING
Lets put aside your wife for a minute and look at you.
Right now your wife is teaching your children NOTHING for morals...and they DO see and DO learn... dorry, my WW is not the in your face type of WW, instead she is the underground type of WW. At home she is great with the kids...almost over coddling them and yes she does teach them manners and morals. It is a bit hypocritical I know since she is a WW but she tries to put on a good act at home anyway. YOU are all they have left to learn right from wrong. I know and the sad thing is lately I feel myself distancing myself from my kids a little. I'm not sure why. HER WRONG does not make YOURS right.
YOU WILL BOTH BE WRONG - what an example to set... I have no reply for that.
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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HTW,
A person like OM doesn't just wake up one day as a full blown cheater/preditor/amoral person.
Its a chipping away process of one's moral character. Bit by bit. A person can make a poor moral decision once, then the next time it can be a little easier, and so on and so on.
You are about to start chipping away at your good moral character with this decision in front of you. I never thought of it that way. I guess that is why WS have a need to alter their moral values in order to justify the A. So how does a WS get back that moral charcter? Building it back bit by bit must require 10 fold the effort.
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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[
Plan B will start when she leave on Aug 4th. I will not do an in house Plan B and I'm no longer in Plan A. It has been way to long...you are right and always were. This should have ended months ago. She has been saying she would leave FOR MONTHS. You have been saying that LS papers would be signed FOR MONTHS. HTW, why are you doing this? Why are you dragging this out? You can see that this is doing nothing but KILLING any chance of marital recovery because you are now on the verge of an affair. You cannot tell me that your attorney cannot get her out because I DO NOT believe it. Even if you have to file for DIVORCE to get her out, you need to do it before you completely destroy any chance ever of repairing this marriage. Plan A was NOT MEANT to be a way of life for wimps. It was meant to be a SHORT TERM strategy to negotiate an end to the affair. Staying in Plan A TOO LONG produces the disasterous result you are seeing right now. A swinging, entitled, cake eating WW who is behaving like a SINGLE WOMAN is eroding any remaining love you have for her. Your continued and willful endurance of her ABUSE has caused your taker to come out raging, leaving you poised on the verge of an affair. She is enjoying her single life immensely while she reaps all the benefit of a married woman. But.........just for a few more weeks, right? how long have you been saying that now?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok I've read all the posts and can't keep up trying to reply to everyone.
I need some sleep right now to recover from all the wacks to the head.
good night
Married 10 years, Legally Seperated Aug 2,2006 1 year of Plan A followed by 1 year of Plan B... ...now stepping towards recovery????? BH 37(me), WW 35, DB 7 & DD 5 My Story My struggle with an EA
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Good. Get some sleep.
Hope, I don't know your story and maybe I had a few too many at the pub tonight, but....
Get some sleep and then.... wake up.
After what you've been through, you know exactly the way to handle this and you don't need advice.
First things first. Your focus is on your M until there is no M. Period. Close the loop on that, irregardless of what the closure is, close it.
Environment control. Anything thing in your world that keeps you from that closure needs to be removed.
Me 43 BH
MT 43 WW
Married 20 years, No Kids, 2 Difficult Cats
D-day July, 2005
4.5 False Recoveries
Me - recovered
The M - recovered
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This girl is NOT married nor has a boyfriend. How can you compare me to that piece of worthless trash. He took advantage of a married woman's insecurities and vulnerabilities. Change the He for a She (and woman for man) and there you have your OW. Der.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Place your world in a vacuum. Forget about WW for a second.
Who are YOU?
Are YOU not a married man? Are YOU not a person that follows through with THEIR commitments till the bitter end?
I implore you...be the best individual and married man YOU can be while still married and the rest will take care of itself no matter which way the wayward wind blows.
ACT, DON'T REACT = ACT, like that man you choose to be and DON'T REACT to your lifes circumstances, WW's shinanigans, your own insecurities and the fantasy fragrance of the wicked one's perfectly placed temptation.
Be wise and step away from the crack-pipe, I pray you find the resolve to maintain your integrity.
With hope and concern,
Mr. Wondering
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YOU'RE married... YOU'RE the one who's vulnerable...
...and this girl... will hate HERSELF one day, if she gets involved with you, as a married man.
Please, listen... those of us who have gone down that road... and hate who we *were* during that time... are embarrassed about what we did to "feel good"... the humiliation ... the pain... to everyone.
We can't make you change your mind... only you can do that. I hope you do. I'm listening...that is why I started this thread. When did you know it was wrong? At what point in your A did the lightbulb go off? I knew from the moment the OM came to me and said he thought he loved me... I cried all weekend... it felt good to be noticed... I knew it was wrong (hence the tears)... But here's the really sad thing: I went forward with it anyway. I had never given the OM a second look... he was funny, witty, somewhat attractive (kind of - though not my "type" at all)... but as the days went on, he became MORE attractive to me (think he was meeting my needs? Um, duh, he sure was, and I allowed it). My world crashed and it has taken years to put myself (my self-esteem) back together. The affair began and ended in the early months of 1999. That's a long time ago, eh? My family wasn't to be put back together... thank god they have forgiven me... even my ex-H, who cheated himself, remember... I crushed him with my affair. My life was changed forever by an affair that meant NOTHING to me -- except for the momentary pleasure of having someone pay attention to me. I'm sure you understand that. I am not that person anymore -- you have the chance to NEVER BE that person. Do yourself a favor... make a CHOICE not to go forward with this thing. If you can't get this girl out of your mind - quit the job. I do feel for you... I remember those feelings... they suck... and yes, they do confuse. Bottom line though: You are the one with the choices here. Make the right ones. Let us know what you decide.
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Do you know if she would agree to date a married man who is an emotional mess & she'd likely end up being a transitional woman?
Do you think so low of her?
Pep pep, you always have a way to get right to the point. I've thought about that believe it or not and it would decrease her "unfallibility" (sp) if she were to date me while seperated. On the other hand if she refused to date me because I was not divorced, it would make her that much more attractive to me. did you overlook the "emotional mess" comment because you don't own it? you are an emotional mess right now can we agree? I'll assume you agree... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> OK .... WHY would a single stable mature strong moral smart woman ~want~ to become involved with a man who is UNhappily married but separated his finances are all entangled his heart is all entangled his wound are open his family has open wounds what type of woman chooses this man from all available men? allow me to suggest some possible senarios a very needy woman a woman who is attracted to needy situations a woman who likes to rescue a woman who wants to martyr herself ....... who is attracted to the needy? someone who is not a whole person by themselves think of this she might be attracted to you because of your weaknesses not in spite of them would you really want to date someone who is attracted to you at your most emotionally screwed up time? if you say "yes" you choose someone who relys on YOUR instability to make herself important !!!!! YIKES go ride a bike go hike go boxing get your testosterone flowing don't act like a girl ! *thwack* .... that was onehell'of'a 2X4 you ARE an emotional mess you offer yourself up as an emotional mess be wary of women attracted to emotional messes in your current state of mind you are likely to choose a woman who closely resembles your WW put that in your pipe and don't smoke it Pep
Last edited by Pepperband; 06/03/06 08:28 AM.
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When YOU are all fixed up all whole all healthy all RECOVERED all divorcedand you ATTRACT healthy whole fixed up women by the droves and you choose someone attracted to you ~~~> an emotionally healthy man all MBers who have given you a beating here ..... will dance at your wedding !!!! put THAT in your pipe and smoke it !!! Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I am feeling saucy
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Hope.....I am encouraged that my feelings on this topic were consulted and actually rewritten by others in this post....
You know my feelings and experiences....
As always I wish you the best...
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