HTW,

I did not give up on you, nor do I think less of you. You are in my prayers.

HTW,

If you cares about this woman at your work; have her best interest at heart and respect her, you will do the right & unselfish thing and NOT put her in a position where she finds herself involved with a man who is still married…even if you might find out that she feels attracted to you too. The temptation might feel overwhelming at this point, but it CAN be done. THAT is real love (agape love) – to do the right thing in spite of feelings...no matter how strong and overwhelming the feelings might feel. Feelings can be very deceitful.

Therefore, should you discover that there is no future with your W, then first divorce your W before you get emotionally involved with this woman at all. This way you will protect the integrity; self-respect and morality of both you and this woman. And should a relationship ever develop between you and this woman (after divorce and some time of healing and recovery for yourself!), then at least you can rest assure that the relationship have started the right way and have the best chance for survival under the circusmtances.

Remember, relationships and marriages which start out as A’s rarely survive on the long term (less than 5%). Therefore, to act on your feelings now will set you up for failure and will crash any potential good & healthy relationship you may have with this woman in future. Please keep this in mind… Don’t be short sighted and focus on instant gratification you might receive now…look at the long term and things to keep your integrity and self-respect in tact. Even if your M be saved and things work out between you and your W, you can rebuild your M with a clean conscience. You’re not doing it for your W, you’re doing it for YOURSELF. Take care of yourself and don’t do things you will regret later on. You are very vulnerable right now and need to protect yourself...

Edited to add:

To have a revenge A now, will only give you instant and shorm-term gratification and satisfaction. But on the long term it will:

1) Set you up for failure (should you decide to continue a relationship with this woman at your work) - such a relationship will not work out on the long term and only guarantee a lot of unhappiness and tears for both you and this woman (is that what you want for her?) or

2) Make the recovery and rebuilding of your M very complicated and difficult (should you decide to stay with your W and recover your M)

It will be a loose-loose situation either way...for you; the woman at your work and your W...

All blessings,
Suzet

JL, Deep down I know any R with any OW right now will crash and burn. Even though I know this, something else deep down is also saying maybe everyone is WRONG, maybe this can work, maybe I won't feel guilty, etc.

I can even feel myself trying to justify it by telling myself that my WW doesn't care for me, that she is happy inspite of her A, that our M is over anyway, that she won't be hurt, that the kids won't be hurt and that I deserve to feel good after walking through life's sewere pipe, etc. Knowing about A's I realize that these are justifications. Inspite of knowing all this, I still catch myself thinking that my situation is unique. Where have we seen this before <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Mrs.W hit the nail on the head when she talked about the fantasy. In this world EVERYTHING feels good...you feel cared for, you feel wanted and needed, you feel good about yourself again, you feel your needs being met. It's much more fun living in this world than the reality I'm currently living in. I used to be obsessed with thought of my WW, now the thoughts are of this woman. Everything has flipped 180.

Everytime I try to think of the consequences of having an A my mind quickly scrambles those thoughts by changing channels and going back to the fantasy world.

I am not saying that I will have an A, I'm just trying to get my thoughts out to help me deal with this right now.

Thanks for your support!

HTW

Hope

I didn't think you were having an affair I am just telling you - out of BEING in your shoes, then watching my husband follow the eXACT pattern.

BY WEIGHING the odds, by even LISTENING to those what ifs...you are so much closer than you even know - you are more than half way there when you start entertaining those thoughts.

Do you think my husband did it to get back at me? You see - he hadn't been a part of recovery for while - he wanted ot - he was hurting - like you...he found faults in my recovery to justify his behavior - then this really nice woman comes along - heck - he even tells her he is seperated...for months...(she almost dumped him when she caught wind he may not be - but he REALLY left to make sure she saw he was). He did this cause it felt good to be wanted, needed and loved by someone who hadn't caused you so much pain.

The OP always has such an amazing pull....and you wont feel guilty in the beginning, and you'll make it work in the beginning, but long run of things - you'll have lost everything. And you wont be any better than your WS, no matter HOW you try to justify it...

HTW,
I am so glad you posted this thread. You are beginning to sound like yourself again. I think what you are feeling is very common among us BS's.

I have a fantasy man...its an OBF...the one just before I met WH...the one the got away...OMG it was like 22yrs ago. I have no idea where he lives and I haven't even tried to goggle him. But that is who I think of a night when I'm trying to sleep. I picture what it would be like if we met after I was D. He would also be D, we would pick up where we left off, older, wiser but certainly as much fun.

Why do I think about him? Its safe. It allows me to escape into a fantasy where I feel desirable and loved.

Any kind of fantasy w/ WH just hurts to much. To think about a future or remember our good times (and there were many) just hurts. So if my fantasy man was in arm's reach, I could very well be in your place.

So keep posting and work through this. Have you thought about calling Steve Harley again to see how to survive and resist temptation, while you are waiting for WW to move out? I think once she is gone you will have a great deal of relief and not need to escape to a fantasy world.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Come visit my thread..I'm needing help in plan B.

Plan B will start when she leave on Aug 4th.

The better the plan A ....the greater the impact of Plan B...

Plan B is a huge motion of love...and is enacted when the BS is holding on to enough feelings of love and cherishing to gather it close to their hearts....protect in and bow out of the chaos of a WS....

where is your current plan A so that you can go in to plan B....

what is all this goings ons about another person....
are you not in plan A...

where is your love for your WS

should that not be where your attentions and energy is....

why are you sabotaging your own plan A and plan B?

ARK

ark,

My love is draining away for my WW and thus my Plan A is also starting to breakdown. I don't have any more energy to keep Plan A'ing someone who will be leaving shortly and seems so happy to do so. It has gone on too long.

I was not able to lovingly detach from her...so the hurt just keeps building.

Broken record here:

ANTI DEPS

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I just realized something

you have not followed board advice previously ... stayed in Plan A way too long

and it is not likely you will follow board advice now ...

so what are you getting out of this conversation?

simply community connectedness?

Pep

Good Grief!

I haven't read all the posts on this thread - there are simply 2many of them for ol' 2long 2 take the time 2read!

But, let's look at this 2uote of yours above for a minute, and cogitate on what you might be able 2 do at this point...

First, safest thing 2 do, in my view, would be 2 assume that she has absolutely no feelings for you and end this right here and now. How would your interactions change, based on that assumption?

Maybe she bought you coffee (or any of the other things she does) because she's a nice person. A good thing 2 do 2 send a message that you appreciate her niceness (notice I didn't say 'kindness') would be 2 bring her coffee one morning - and coffee for everyone else in the office at the same time. Keep your interaction with her at work on the same level as with everyone else there - guys and chicks included.

NEVER, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, tell her about your feelings 2ward her.

So, your W is moving out on Aug 4th and you're planning on starting plan B then? All the more reason 2 keep the coworker at a safe emotional distance, particularly right now.

Like I said, I haven't read the rest of the posts. But you're no dummy (you're just behaving like one), you know the drill. You KNOW why you're feeling the way you are right now, particulary 2ward your WW. This coworker is nothing but a fallback right now, but one that's robbing your WW of what little remaining compassion you may have. Your feelings for the coworker are robbing your family of your ability 2 do the work that they still deserve from you before you call it 2uits on the marriage.

So... You know what 2 do. Don't draw your sense of self from your feelings. Those will change.

And always remember that you are unique - just like everbody else!

-ol' 2long

I would beg to differ with that pep. I exposed (twice) and have been unable to go to Plan B since my WW will not leave until the LSA is signed.


That is quite presumptuous of you...isn't it?


You're right, my presence here may be hurting others who need help and I need a break from this stuff.

This will be my last post until I enter Plan B.

Take care and good luck to everyone!

HTW

oh for heavens sake

HTW:

NOT SO FAST!

"I would beg to differ with that pep. I exposed (twice) and have been unable to go to Plan B since my WW will not leave until the LSA is signed. "

Who's not signing? If it's you, and you want 2 get the ball rolling so you can explore a R with the coworker, why not sign now?

-ol' 2long

Ok just stop!

So maybe you've gotten attention here another poster might need. Or maybe...what your are going thru will strike a cord and help somebody else down the road.

The point is you hit a road block. We all have challenges. So what now? Throw your hands up and quit???!!! Now that would really disappoint me!

As far as your plan A. Yes you WERE in plan A tooooo long...and at first the wrong kind of plan A. You haven't really been in a plan for a while just trying to survive. I get that, been there done that! I was there a long time. What I did and what I think you need to do...is re-exam your plan A. Plan A for yourself...not WS...you have a deadline now...you know it will not last forever.

Remember a good plan B needs a good plan A!!

Ok so you've been called to the carpet...so what?? Isn't that what we are here for? To challenge eachother?? To learn ...to grow. HTW, I think you have it in you to do this. Take sometime to think about it...don't run off with your tail between your legs.

We'll be here

I come here for community connectedness

don't we all?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

HTW I'm still reading and thinking about you. I'm sure you will be a much happier person in a few months,without the constant reminders and pain. These are the bad old days soon to be a fading memory. Good luck and God Bless.

You get your butt right back here buster!

You're not geting outta this so easy. No go running into the fog touting we were mean to you. We CARE dammit! That's why we're posting to you.

Many can learn from what you're going thru. So plant your butt right back down and respond to the good folks who have taken their valuable time to help you PLEASE.

With respect,
Jo

Ok, HTW, I have a proposal for you...Now that you know exactly where your wife once stood, why not use this as an opportunity to power up your Plan A...Use your experience to empathize with her...talk to her about what's going on with you and tell her that now you understand how she must have felt...I believe that this could give her a safe place from which to share with you...I think that this has the potential to remove a HUGE roadblock for the two of you...You might just get a glimpse of the wonderful wife that you once knew...I think it's worth a shot...

It really touched a nerve in me, when Mr. W was able to empathize and tell me how he could have seen himself getting caught up in what I did...I believe that that was what allowed us to take the first baby step towards recovery...

I'd like to hear the thoughts of others where this is concerned...What do you think, HTW?

Mrs. W

And yeah, HTW, get your heiney back here this instant!!! Do I have to send Mr. W or some other male MB member to come and slap you naked and hide your clothes??? Don't test me HTW...I'm here to chew bubble gum and kick azz, and I'm all outta bubble gum my friend!!! You dig???

Mrs. W <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

P.S. If you leave now, we KNOW that's just an excuse to go escape to la la fantasyland, btw... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />